How do I step down?

MaggieMae10 · June 2013

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to be in her wedding this September. It was the first thingn that she said in the conversation, and I said yes. I've known her for several years and she doesn't have many girlfriends, so I expected to be asked. However, after I said yes, she told me a little story. She said that she had thought about asking her brother's girlfriend but that they were having issues, so she asked me instead. So, I felt like a "backup bridesmaid." Then she told me that she asked all five other bridesmaid THREE WEEKS before she asked me. So, then I felt even more like a backup. Lastly, she told me that I needed to buy a $170 dress by Friday (this was a Monday). I'm a newly married college student who is saving up for a late honeymoon. She ended up paying for my dress because she (and I quote) "needed me to make the wedding party even."

Her wedding is the same day as the wedding of a very close cousin, which I didn't know until this week. I would like to back out of her wedding so that I can attend one where I am truly wanted. Should I do this? And if so, how?

Kate61487 · June 2013

ditto Retread - I think you can back out if you want, but you should repay her for the dress (you can then try to sell it to recoup some of the cost)

Jessa617 · June 2013

If the other wedding is more important to you, then yes you should back out. The way to do it is to be honest. Call her up and let her know that you just found out you have to attend a family wedding the same day and you're sorry that you won't be able to be part of her wedding.

Ditto PPs that you should try and pay for the dress.

itzMS · June 2013

Ditto everyone else. Just be prepared that she might not take it well, and choose to end your friendship.

MaggieMae10 · June 2013

What if she paid for all but one of the other dresses?

manateehugger · June 2013

MaggieMae10 said:

What if she paid for all but one of the other dresses?

If she bought the dress specifically for you, I think you should reimburse her.

STARMOON44 · June 2013

Yeah you have to pay for the dress or suck it up. You said you'd go to her wedding, so it's pretty rude to go to your cousin's instead. Practice saying "I'll think about it and get back to you"

aurianna · June 2013

Is she the type you could be honest with? "Honestly it really hurt my feelings when you told me I was only the backup to your brother's girlfriend and essentially that I was a last minute place holder to make the sides even. It made me feel like you didn't really care if you had me as a bridesmaid; just that you wanted a place holder to make the pictures even. This is how I've felt."
If she's really your friend she will [eventually] hear you out and try to understand your feelings.

I'd wait to see how that goes before making the final decision to drop out. If things go well and you want to stay in your friend's wedding I'm hoping your cousin would understand if you were asked to be in a wedding before you knew about hers.

...If the conversation goes poorly or you honestly don't care about the friendship you could drop out at that point. I too would pay her back for the dress... all though... hate to say this but she very well may try to find yet another place holder and may want to keep the dress for her. Hard to say.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

MaggieMae10 said:

What if she paid for all but one of the other dresses?

It doesn't matter. She bought the dress for you because you agreed to be BM. If you were going to drop out over being a fill in, you should have done it before she spent the money on the dress.

Now that she's spent the money based on your agreement, you need to reimburse her. Of course, the dress will be yours and you can re-sell it to make some of your money back.

phira · June 2013

I agree with previous posters.

I think that a mistake on the part of the bride (besides, you know, everything) was to ask you WITHOUT telling you how much the dress would cost. The reason she bought it for you was because you couldn't afford it, and part of asking people to be your bridesmaids is talking about their budgets.

You should still offer to pay her back for the dress. Hopefully she'll just take the dress back and find another back-up bridesmaid who'll wear it. Sounds like she's the type of bride to have a back-up list

MaggieMae10 · June 2013

I think I am going to try to stay in the wedding. She's not the type who expect a lot out of her bridesmaids anyway (i.e. control freak. I love her, but she's a control freak) Besides that, I am already somewhat invested in this because I designed her wedding invitations as an engagement gift. Thanks for the input guys!