MOH and Bridesmaids DILEMMA

kkskidder · June 2013

I don't know what I should do or not do. I'm not girly girl and have a thousand GFs. It's so bad that I can honestly say I don't have a close enough GF to be my MOH $:\$ Nor ones worthy enough to be BM and the very few I think could be a BM don't live near. I've read suggestions that say choose a childhood friend or the FSIL but don't really have a childhood friend that I'm still close with or even if I say ask them would have that MOH/Bride relationship that I can aonly assume every bride secretly wants. The FSIL live a couple of states away and had said that they don't even think they will be able to make it. Pftt!!! There goes a flower girl $:\$ . I don't know. Some suggestions people have said just don't stress out over a bridal party and given my character people would think I'd be cool with that but I guess I really want a couple girls to have fun with through this whole process and I just don't have any. Wahhhh lol j/k HELP!!!

bethsmiles · June 2013

Wow...what exactly makes someone "worthy" to be your BM?

manateehugger · June 2013

Uh yeah ditto PP...you sound really arrogant in that post. Someone doesn't have to be "worthy" to be in your bridal party, they just have to be a friend you'd like to honor.

Ask your close friends. They don't have to live near you. I've been an out of state bridesmaid more times than not. It works just fine.

Don't think about what your bridal party can do for you - doing stuff for you is not their job.

courtneythesquid · June 2013

I have been on both sides- I have been asked to be a bridesmaid when I had not spoken with the bride in years, and was surprised to even be invited. I have also not been invited to weddings where I was pretty close to the bride and groom. I always try to give the bride and groom the benefit of the doubt, and never take it personally. Goodness knows, I am finding out about all the dilemmas of planning my own guest list and wedding party! (If I invite X but not Y, Y will be offended, so do I invite them both or invite neither... x 100, it seems like!) If they are friends worth keeping, they will not take it personally, either.

Also, there is no rule that you have to designate a MOH. If you are not particularly close to one girl over the others, just have them all be bridesmaids. Or hey, it's 2013- have a Man of Honor if that floats your boat!

DrunkKitten · June 2013

Not sure what qualifiers make a person worthy of being a bridesmaid, but if you want a bridal party, I'm sure you have a few friends you feel close enough to ask. It doesn't matter if they live near you or not b/c they are not really required to do much. If it's the parties you're thinking you'll miss out on, anyone can throw those for you; it doesn't have to be bridesmaids.

artbyallie · June 2013

We always say to ask whoever you would call to help you hide a body at 2am. Whether that person/those people are male or female or whatever age should not matter. The numbers of them should not matter. Ask your go-to person/people or don't ask anyone.

kkskidder · June 2013

Not really arrogant if you knew some of my what I call GFs. Also, I don't expect them to do things for me, I would like the comfort of knowing I have a few girls there that would be willing to be the shoulder I need and so on. I guess when I say worthy I mean if I were to ask a couple of them I don't feel like they would be whole heartedly into the idea of being BM or MOH. My one friend that I was thinking about having as MOH when we're together it's like we've been friends for years (know her for about a year) but the times we're together are far and few between. I will try to get ahold of her and it will take a couple days for her to even respond and when we set up lunch dates or whatever something always comes up and it will be a month or so later we finally meet up. I don't know....I by far didn't mean to come across as arrogant.

MistressKytten · June 2013

I don't have a MOH. I have 2 BM's, and neither of them are my best friends. I am not a girl girl either, and I hang out with a lot of dudes. I'm perfectly okay with that. Also, I don't have a flower girl. Just have a few friends be in your WP. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

calliopeia2013 · June 2013

kkskidder said:

Not really arrogant if you knew some of my what I call GFs. Also, I don't expect them to do things for me, I would like the comfort of knowing I have a few girls there that would be willing to be the shoulder I need and so on. I guess when I say worthy I mean if I were to ask a couple of them I don't feel like they would be whole heartedly into the idea of being BM or MOH. My one friend that I was thinking about having as MOH when we're together it's like we've been friends for years (know her for about a year) but the times we're together are far and few between. I will try to get ahold of her and it will take a couple days for her to even respond and when we set up lunch dates or whatever something always comes up and it will be a month or so later we finally meet up. I don't know....I by far didn't mean to come across as arrogant.

So, what you're saying this that you have a lot of friends, but none whom you're particularly close to, right? You can either just pick a couple of them, or not have a bridal party, or have close guy friends as bridesmen. Or, if there's another woman you're really close to who you might want to honor, like your mom, or an aunt, you could ask them. But you don't have to have a bridal party if you don't feel like there's anyone you're that close to.

You certainly shouldn't pick your bridesmaids based on who's nearby, though- you shouldn't be expecting your BMs to help you with planning (and if you need a "shoulder" for wedding planning, you're doing something wrong- it's supposed to be a fun, joyous occasion, not something you need support for). All that fun planning stuff is stuff you should be doing with your FI, not your bridesmaids.

msuprincess04 · June 2013

As I plan my wedding, I see myself in the same situation. I don't have a lot of girlfriends. And, unlike what magazines and tv shows want you to believe, most people, aren't interested in talking wedding, even if they are in the wedding. So it helps to remind myself that this wedding is something my whole heart it is in because it's my wedding, it's not theirs, so it doesn't have to be a huge part of their lives. I am throwing a big party and want them to have fun and enjoy it like everyone else! This has helped me put a lot of things into perspective.

I also have a girlfriend kind of like the one you described, but she's still one of my besties because if something huge did come up, I know she'd be there, and I'd be there for her. She's still one of my BM. I haven't asked or expected any kind of involvement beyond buying the dress and showing up. Ok, I did tell her I was going dress shopping this weekend, and she said she'd try to make it. I told her cool if she can, and not to worry about it if she can't.

I guess my point is, pick your closest friends and/or family to be your bridal party, if you want to have one. Or forego it all together. Have your mom stand up if that's who's close to you. Don't worry about having a "storybook" wedding experience, because those are few and far between. Just be excited you are getting married, and get ready to throw a great party.

kkskidder · June 2013

No, I by far do not have a lot of GFs. A handful that live near by but not as close as I thought. When I announced to them that I was getting married no one really jumped for joy. They are not that type I guess, now finding that out. Two inparticular (both previoously married) I thought would be excited just as much as me but weren't. I was there for both of their weddings helping as much as I could. And a shoulder not to cry on but someone to go to when things might get a little stress full. Yes the whole thing is to be exciting but as I'm finding out the only ones really excited are myself and FH. I will need help and correct me if I'm wrong that's what your BM and MOH are there for. I have no clue what I'm doing as far as planning a wedding and def can not afford a planner. I have a full time job, 4 little ones and going to school in the fall for my RN. I have a lot on my plate so I can imagine that some parts for me aren't going to be so exciting....

manateehugger · June 2013

kkskidder said:

Not really arrogant if you knew some of my what I call GFs. Also, I don't expect them to do things for me, I would like the comfort of knowing I have a few girls there that would be willing to be the shoulder I need and so on. I guess when I say worthy I mean if I were to ask a couple of them I don't feel like they would be whole heartedly into the idea of being BM or MOH. My one friend that I was thinking about having as MOH when we're together it's like we've been friends for years (know her for about a year) but the times we're together are far and few between. I will try to get ahold of her and it will take a couple days for her to even respond and when we set up lunch dates or whatever something always comes up and it will be a month or so later we finally meet up. I don't know....I by far didn't mean to come across as arrogant.

1. The shoulder you need should already be there - think of the friends you call when you're upset about something else (e.g. bad day at work). Don't think of the ones who would run around to do wedding stuff with you, think of the ones who are just good friends. Don't expect your friends to become super supportive just because you're getting married; think of it this way, you're only going to get married once, but they've watched dozens of people get married. It's very special to you, but more run-of-the-mill for them.

2. They don't have to be wholeheartedly into the idea of being a BM or MOH. They just have to be wholeheartedly into the idea of being your friend. For what it's worth, I'm just nothaving a MOH because I don't want to pick among my friends and sisters.

3. If she still gets back to you, don't judge her too harshly. I'm notorious among my friends for getting back to them slowly. It doesn't mean I don't care about them or don't want a relationship with them. I just get wrapped up in stuff and end up putting lunch dates on hold. It's a stupidly busy time in my life. You never know what she might be trying to juggle right now.

kkskidder · June 2013

That's just it....I don't have one or really any that I call when I, myself is upset. It's usually my FH. They aren't very supportive but always want me to console them. I don't understand why some people are thinking that I'm rude. Nobody has someone that is this way? My situation just happens that most of them are that way $:\$ I deal and I'm still friends with them. Also, they don't need to run around for me to do things.

And for my friend that was referred about not returning calls and such right away...lol that's okay it doesn't really bother me just sometimes it sucks when I want her to get back to me right away and doesn't. We've been trying to work out times to go look at dresses for me and it just hasn't happened.

My Mom and his Mom seem to be going along with the idea but I don't know not the whole MOB attitude. I'm the only girl and thought she'd be YAYYYY!!! So far all I've gotten out of her is "I'll buy the dress" but doesn't seem to be into the whole looking for one with me.

We'll just elope haha

calliopeia2013 · June 2013

kkskidder said:

No, I by far do not have a lot of GFs. A handful that live near by but not as close as I thought. When I announced to them that I was getting married no one really jumped for joy. They are not that type I guess, now finding that out. Two inparticular (both previoously married) I thought would be excited just as much as me but weren't. I was there for both of their weddings helping as much as I could. And a shoulder not to cry on but someone to go to when things might get a little stress full. Yes the whole thing is to be exciting but as I'm finding out the only ones really excited are myself and FH. I will need help and correct me if I'm wrong that's what your BM and MOH are there for. I have no clue what I'm doing as far as planning a wedding and def can not afford a planner. I have a full time job, 4 little ones and going to school in the fall for my RN. I have a lot on my plate so I can imagine that some parts for me aren't going to be so exciting....

It's perfectly normal for the most excited people to be you and your FI- that's as it should be. I think you are misinterpreting what BMs and MOHs are for, though- the point of picking them is to honor THEM. It's basically making a public declaration that these are the people who are closest to you, the people that are most important to you to have with you when you get married. They're not supposed to be your cheerleaders or to help you with planning. Now, they often do help out on various ways, but when they do that, it's usually because they're the sort of friends that would help you out no matter what, whether they were your BM/MOH or not.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now- I hope your FI is pulling his weight too!

manateehugger · June 2013

kkskidder said:

That's just it....I don't have one or really any that I call when I, myself is upset. It's usually my FH. They aren't very supportive but always want me to console them. I don't understand why some people are thinking that I'm rude. Nobody has someone that is this way? My situation just happens that most of them are that way $:\$ I deal and I'm still friends with them. Also, they don't need to run around for me to do things.
And for my friend that was referred about not returning calls and such right away...lol that's okay it doesn't really bother me just sometimes it sucks when I want her to get back to me right away and doesn't. We've been trying to work out times to go look at dresses for me and it just hasn't happened.
My Mom and his Mom seem to be going along with the idea but I don't know not the whole MOB attitude. I'm the only girl and thought she'd be YAYYYY!!! So far all I've gotten out of her is "I'll buy the dress" but doesn't seem to be into the whole looking for one with me.
We'll just elope haha

I'm sorry the planning hasn't been going how you thought it would. That does have to be hard. When is your wedding?

What was your relationship like with your mom before you got engaged? Have you told your mom you're a little bummed that she hasn't been more excited? Maybe there is another issue at the center of it. My mom didn't really care about the dresses until I actually started trying things on (and then she wouldn't keep her mouth shut). Let her know that you really wanted her to be a part of the planning with you (without pressuring her to be more involved) and you thought it would be a cool bonding experience?

The other thing is that you absolutely don't need a bridal party if you don't really want one. So if you don't feel comfortable asking any of your friends, just don't ask anyone. Completely not required.

What does your fiance think about all this?

kkskidder · June 2013

I agree it is to HONOR them but I don't have any that are that close to me. Not friends that I feel like I absolutely need them to share with my day. I don't have friends that really are there for me if I were to really need them, ya know? They're the type that say if you need anything call me but then it's the opposite. And I know it's not their job to help but it would be nice if they wanted too.

kkskidder · June 2013

My Mom and I are the same as we were before I got engaged. She's the type that has sworn of men, the attitude women don't need men, blah blah. LOL! We're close in our own weird way but I still thought she'd be more on board when it came to her one and only little girl getting married. Our date is July 12, 2014. The funny thing is the FI is more into the decorations and venues and such not the rest lol. He kinda just goes with the flow.

manateehugger · June 2013

kkskidder said:

I agree it is to HONOR them but I don't have any that are that close to me. Not friends that I feel like I absolutely need them to share with my day. I don't have friends that really are there for me if I were to really need them, ya know? They're the type that say if you need anything call me but then it's the opposite. And I know it's not their job to help but it would be nice if they wanted too.

I gotta say, I have the feeling you would think I'm a terrible friend. I've been a bridesmaid multiple times. I am always happy to help out the weekend of the wedding (last minute things, helping the bride pee in her dress, hell, I've built 6 BM bouquets on the night before the wedding), but honestly, I never really WANT to help out. Maybe that sounds bad, but I'd be annoyed if a friend expected me to WANT to put together her favors or meet with caterers with her. I'll for sure listen to you talk about the wedding over drinks later, but it's not my job to help you plan YOUR wedding.

kkskidder · June 2013

And again, they don't HAVE to do anything I guess just wear the dress and stand there. But then what's the point of being in the wedding if your just going to be a statue. If these girls are to be the closest to you and so on you'd think they'd want to be the good friend and maybe do a few things or go to a few places. They don't have to help plan but insight is nice or just to tag along so the bride doesn't have to go alone. Venues and caterers I feel should be bride and FIs job anyways.

manateehugger · June 2013

kkskidder said:

And again, they don't HAVE to do anything I guess just wear the dress and stand there. But then what's the point of being in the wedding if your just going to be a statue. If these girls are to be the closest to you and so on you'd think they'd want to be the good friend and maybe do a few things or go to a few places. They don't have to help plan but insight is nice or just to tag along so the bride doesn't have to go alone. Venues and caterers I feel should be bride and FIs job anyways.

The point is that you'd like to honor them and your friendship with them by asking them to stand by you as you get married. That is the point. If you don't have any friends you'd like to honor in that way, just don't ask anyone. Problem solved.

Yes. It would be nice for friends to go along. But if they don't want to, that does NOT mean they are bad friends. Just take your fiance along. His opinion matters more than anyone else's anyway. My fiance is stuck on an Army base, so I've done multiple appointments alone. It's not a big deal. Whining about people not wanting to do things for you is not the way to get people to want to do something for you.

Also, since your wedding is more than a year away, I would wait a few months before asking anyone to be in the bridal party. I'm getting married next June and the only people "officially" in my bridal party are my two sisters. Friendships change.

Also, your mom might not be that interested because: 1. Your wedding is more than a year away 2. It sounds like she doesn't like weddings.

kkskidder · June 2013

I'm not whining because I have nobody to help me do jobs or anything. If nobody wants to help then that's fine. Never said they were BAD FRIENDS. I haven't chosen anyone yet for any part of the WP besides the groom

And if I have to do most of the things alone then I'll get over it.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

kkskidder said:

That's just it....I don't have one or really any that I call when I, myself is upset. It's usually my FH. They aren't very supportive but always want me to console them. I don't understand why some people are thinking that I'm rude. Nobody has someone that is this way? My situation just happens that most of them are that way $:\$ I deal and I'm still friends with them. Also, they don't need to run around for me to do things.

I'm the same way too, so I completely understand. I have 5 girls in my WP. I consider them to be really close friends/family. All of them would help me hide a body. We have a great time together. But if I need a shoulder to cry on, I don't go to them. Some of them I definitely would...if they were already nearby and it was clear I was upset. But I don't go out of my way to vent to them about anything when I'm having a hard time. I'm like you, I go to my FI. He's my shoulder, and he's all I need. It's not to say I'm not close with my BMs or that they're bad friends, but they're definitely a different type of support system. Nevertheless, I asked them to be in the WP. I haven't regretted that decision once. A couple of them are far away (including MOH), and 2 are about an hour away and wicked busy. They'll all be here for the wedding and rehearsal, so I'm not too worried about it.

Without knowing you or your friends, the best I can tell you is to do what feels right. You can choose anyone you want to, or have no one at all. You can think of it this way: When you're looking back on your photos and see pictures of the wedding, are you going to be sad that so and so wasn't included? Thinking of it that way might give a little perspective. Other than that, I can't think of anything else to say that might be helpful. But I wanted you to know that you're definitely not the only one with friendships like this! Good luck!

wittykitty14 · June 2013

RetreadBride said:

Wedding planning, by the way, shouldn't BE stressful. If it is, you're doing it wrong. This is from someone who planned and executed THREE of them by herself. I was widowed once and divorced once prior to this wedding. If you're stressed out, then sit down, put your feet up, and cross whatever is "stressing you out" off your list, because you do not need it.

No. Just no. Stress is a natural response to major life changing events, good and bad. Having stress is never "wrong". There are unhealthy ways of dealing with stress, of course. But stress itself is not necessarily bad. How you deal with stress is what makes the difference. OP, please ignore the idea that you're wrong if you've been stressed out. That's total BS.

kkskidder · June 2013

Thank you so much for stating the obvious as well that it is stressful. Not every part of planning a wedding is sunshine and rainbows lol. I'm also surprised at the amount of negativity I recieved and the remarks of me not knowing what the role of a BM and MOH are. Well I do know what they are. And as much as it is me honoring whoever I choose they should still be just as honored themselves and offer themselves and support and help if needed. Again, if they don't want to then fine don't but if your my friend than that's what friends do. Even if it's just going with me to look at dresses.

kkskidder · June 2013

Wow!! I can't believe everyone is getting so mean on here. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. With that being said if brides feel that BM and MOH should do certain jobs than so be but just bc you don't see it that way doesn't mean you have to give us a history lesson and get us to go to the other side.

aurianna · June 2013

kkskidder said:

Wow!! I can't believe everyone is getting so mean on here. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. With that being said if brides feel that BM and MOH should do certain jobs than so be but just bc you don't see it that way doesn't mean you have to give us a history lesson and get us to go to the other side.

It's understandable that you'd be happy if you had friends that wanted to do jobs for you. But that's unlikely for most people. Having friends that are willing to do things for you is all you could ever really ask for. But that's not even something you need to worry about in this case. The role of a BM is simple:
-Buy the dress after a budget has been agreed upon by the bride and each bridesmaid
-Show up on time to the ceremony site in the dress
-Smile for pictures

Those are the only requirements of a BM. And those are no small potatoes. Spending any money on a dress that will probably never be worn again is a sacrifice, as is the extra time she spends the day of your wedding.
If you have any gals (or guys) that you are friendly with and think they'd be up for that, then that is great. If they're willing to do that for you, then they care about you and that means there could be people in your life worthy of being a BM.

But I want to touch on something else you said... "We should just elope."
I know you were kidding. And I'm not suggesting that you're beyond help or that's what you absolutely should do.
But it sounds like you and your fiance are very close and that you don't have as many friends or family that you are as close to / that seem excited about the wedding.
Maybe if you've already booked things it's too late, but have you considered using the money you'd otherwise spend on the wedding to go somewhere fantastic with just you and your fiance and get married there instead?

kerbohl · June 2013

I'm going to have to agree that wedding planning shouldn't be stressful. It is just one day. What stresses me out (mostly because it is the unknown at this point) is the marriage, not the day that the marriage starts. So far, I have asked nothing of my MOH and BMs - just opinions on what kinds of dresses they might want to wear. That is all they have to do, and doing everything else on my own - invitations, any DIY, researching things - has not been stressful yet. I've heard lots of tales here on TK about other brides who also were not stressed out by their weddings. It is possible to have stress-free planning.

cmcole4509 · June 2013

Have you considered just a very small ceremony with only immediate family members? If you are having so much trouble planning things maybe something smaller scaled would be easier. Also, if you don't have close friends, don't have a WP. I myself had trouble deciding between friends, and there are 7 that I couldn't do without because they are all special to me in one way or another, so I said screw it I'll have them all. But also don't discount someone far away. My best friend lives 13 hours and several states away, but she is my MOH. She literally cannot help me with anything since she is far away, but just knowing she is one of my best friends and I can talk to her whenever is enough for me. If you have someone like that far away, don't hesitate to chose them. If you don't have someone like that, then don't worry about it. It will all work out in the end!

[Deleted User] · June 2013

kerbohl said:

I'm going to have to agree that wedding planning shouldn't be stressful. It is just one day. What stresses me out (mostly because it is the unknown at this point) is the marriage, not the day that the marriage starts. So far, I have asked nothing of my MOH and BMs - just opinions on what kinds of dresses they might want to wear. That is all they have to do, and doing everything else on my own - invitations, any DIY, researching things - has not been stressful yet. I've heard lots of tales here on TK about other brides who also were not stressed out by their weddings. It is possible to have stress-free planning.

This! I have horrible anxiety and stress about almost every part of my everyday life. Wedding planning has been a breeze. The only time I've been stressed is when I went dress shopping because having everyone look at me made me really anxious. That is how wedding planning should be-- stress free!

kkskidder · June 2013

I'm not having difficulties planning the wedding at all, my concern was the WP situation. But I think I'm getting a grasp on things as far as that goes. I just don't want certain people to think "oh I know she's gonna choose me" and than I not bc I feel like we aren't that close (in my eyes).

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