Two Ceremonies

BaTs89 · June 2013

My fiancé and I want a pretty small wedding: 2 attendants, a flower girl, and just family (8 others). We also want a pretty large reception (~100 people), but can't afford one yet. We are getting married as soon as possible for personal reasons, and then having a reception when his mom can make it from Virginia (she can't travel in the winter), where we are going to renew our vows. I'd like to have more of a ceremony then, saying personalized vows, having a few more attendants, basically the usually for a wedding. Is this unreasonable, and if so, what is more appropriate?

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

Please don't do all of this.

You get married once. You have a wedding reception immediately following for those who attended your wedding ceremony. If you'd like to throw a big party later, go for it, but don't waste your guests' time by making them watch you "renew" the vows you JUST said a few weeks/months ago. Don't pretend it's a wedding reception by having a huge dress or attendants or things like that.

From what you wrote here, I'd wait to get legally married until your FI's mom can attend, and then do the whole wedding (ceremony and reception) in one day.

AddieCake · June 2013

Just wait and do everything together. Unless this vow renewal is happening on like your 5-year anniversary, people are going to side-eye it and wonder why you need a do-over so soon after your wedding.

If you do go ahead with your plans, here is a website for proper vow renewal etiquette:

http://www.idotaketwo.com/

manateehugger · June 2013

Yes, your plan is very inappropriate. You only get one ceremony. Vow renewals were designed to celebrate a big milestone in marriage, such as overcoming a serious illness, a 25th anniversary, etc. Vow renewals are not supposed to be fake re-do ceremonies. They should not have attendants nor a giant white poofy dress. You can't really have a bridal party when you are no longer a bride, you know?

If you really do need to get married ASAP (if it is for insurance or monetary reasons I really urge you to slow down and consider what you are doing), have a lovely small ceremony. Then around your one year anniversary throw a huge party. I've actually been to a decent number of these type of parties and I always have a blast. The wife (not bride) usually wears an understated gown, the couple toasts each other (kind of a brief mini vow session), does a spotlight dance, cuts cake and then everyone drinks, eats, and parties.

At these parties, I have never once felt that the couple was lacking something. I always think how wonderful it is that they get to celebrate their marriage with family and friends. I have been to a re-do, and the whole time I kept thinking about how silly the whole thing was because the couple had already been married over a year.

Jen4948 · June 2013

Yes, it's not appropriate.

If you have to get married now, then any party you throw later should not be a "wedding reception." A really nice anniversary party on your first anniversary will be just fine. But you don't wear a bridal gown, have a wedding party, get gifts, have a cake, bouquet toss, or the other elements of a wedding at that party, because that boat will have sailed. If those things are really important to you, then delay the wedding until you can do them and don't have the "private ceremony" now.

manateehugger · June 2013

Jen4948 said:

Yes, it's not appropriate.

If you have to get married now, then any party you throw later should not be a "wedding reception." A really nice anniversary party on your first anniversary will be just fine. But you don't wear a bridal gown, have a wedding party, get gifts, have a cake, bouquet toss, or the other elements of a wedding at that party, because that boat will have sailed. If those things are really important to you, then delay the wedding until you can do them and don't have the "private ceremony" now.

I honestly don't care if the couple has and cuts a cake. I've seen this at even very small anniversary parties. I think the cake is not an etiquette-breaking tradition for an anniversary party.

As for gifts, I absolutely think the couple has no business registering. But if family and friends want to bring gifts, I think it's just fine for the couple to graciously accept them. I've brought a gift to a one year anniversary party before.

tiny speck · June 2013

Don't do it. I don't understand. Just save up and have the big wedding if that's what you want. Or have the small one if that's what you want. You really cannot have both!

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

Please, just pick one wedding and have that. Don't make it more complicated.

Jen4948 · June 2013

snippet17 said:

Jen4948 said:

Yes, it's not appropriate.

If you have to get married now, then any party you throw later should not be a "wedding reception." A really nice anniversary party on your first anniversary will be just fine. But you don't wear a bridal gown, have a wedding party, get gifts, have a cake, bouquet toss, or the other elements of a wedding at that party, because that boat will have sailed. If those things are really important to you, then delay the wedding until you can do them and don't have the "private ceremony" now.

You cannot really tell people to not buy you gifts. If I want to give someone a gift I will give a person a gift.

OP - either wait until you have the money and have the celebration that you can afford or if you have to get married now have the wedding that you can afford now.

I did not say that you cannot tell people not to buy you gifts, or that you can't receive them if you do. If someone chooses quietly and discreetly to give you a gift, then yes, you can accept it, but for any post-wedding celebration of your marriage, you have to let go of any "people will want to give you gifts" mentality. Therefore, no registries, no showers, no other implications that gifts should be given.

runpipparun · June 2013

I'm not sure what your "personal reasons" are for getting married ASAP, but to re-enact a fake wedding later is to lie to your guests, to deprive them of the experience of witnessing your actual vows. You will already be married and will simply be play-acting for gifts, pageantry, and to have a Pretty Princess Day. Not kosher to do to those guests you would be inviting. Stick with the smaller wedding you can have now, or wait to be married in grander fashion when you can afford it. Don't do both.

ETA: typos.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

A vow renewal is not a do over wedding. They're more appropriate for milestone anniversaries, like 25 and 50. Either way, a vow renewal should not have a bride, attendants, showers, registries, etc.
If you get married now, that's your wedding. A large party to celebrate your first anniversary makes sense, but it won't be the do over big wedding that you chose not to throw.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

no, no, no. This plan is super tacky.

pesematology · June 2013

You can do a big party to celebrate, and instead of a repeat ceremony with different vows, just each do a toast to each other and say what you want.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Vow renewals are done for two reasons:

A.) on a major milestone anniversary (10 years, 25 years, etc)
B.) After a very difficult life event has been overcome (separation, overcoming disease, etc)

If you put on a big show of doing a 'vow renewal' at the one year mark, that leaves your guests assuming that B happened. Since you both didn't brush with death, that only leaves the two of you publically announcing marital problems. You are unintentionally saying unkind things about yourselves.

perfectisboring · June 2013

I won't go for 'it's tacky' angle, but I do think that it's important to recognize how important your actual wedding day is. My husband and I were sort of rushed into getting married this year rather than next (because of our situation, there was absolutely no way we would be able to wait). He said that we should do something really small, just have two witnesses and not get dressed up, and have a big ceremony somewhere down the line.

Over time, we realized that this is the special day and that we should actually celebrate it. So, while we didn't have the money to host a big wedding, we did well with what we had. We still only invited 10 guests, but I wore a dress, he wore a suit and we had a dinner reception with a lovely cake. We do have a lot of friends and family, but they all understood our situation and said they would be happy to have a big party the next time I'm home.

Now, I look back and realize that that was the perfect wedding day. I can't really imagine wanting to 'be the bride' again. After our complicated situation subsides, we'll probably have a vow renewal (because we do have a rocky road ahead), but it won't be a do-over because I don't think anything will be as special as our wedding day.

So, I say do what you can to make this day as special as possible, even if you are getting married sooner than you planned. This is the day you become united as a married couple, and I think it's important to recognize that. You can do a vow renewal later down the road or just host a really lovely anniversary party when your FMIL can attend.

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