Save the week?

cjeanmaq · June 2013

I am not quite sure how to properly format my save-the-dates... We are having a cruise ship ceremony at sea on a Saturday. The ship is leaving on the Friday, and it will be a 8-day cruise. Do I put just the Saturday on my save-the-dates? Do I put the Friday through Saturday?

Our festivities will be the first 3 days of the cruise then we will allow our guest to pursue their own interests and we will begin our "honeymoon." I don't know if that matters for the actual save-the-dates. I figured we could add some of this information to the invitations, but I think they definitely need to know the event is technically an 8-day commitment.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

So why don't you just say you're getting married on an eight day cruise on the STD?

manateehugger · June 2013

Yeah, I agree. You can say "Save the Date" for the actual day of the ceremony. And then include a note about the cruise information instead of saying the location of the ceremony.

Are people going to need to book this cruise more than two months in advance?

cjeanmaq · June 2013

Thanks for the input. We'll be giving our guest 12 mos to book and pay for everything.

cjeanmaq · June 2013

Wow... FYI, when a couple has a destination wedding they are not required to foot the bill for transportation. As previously indicated, we will not be occupying our guest a full week they are free to enjoy themselves for the majority of the trip. I am aware that cruise lines offer the option of having a ceremony when the ship is docked; however, the date we chose corresponds with being at sea.

Btw, we will be paying for plenty--most of the same things that other couples pay for when having a wedding (ceremony, food, flowers, cake, music, etc.) What I find "rude" is when you're asking a question about stationery that someone would feel the express need to try to dash your spirits. I never asked for any opinions on our planning.

What I can happily say is that we are very blessed to have the family and friends that we have because when we announced our plans at our engagement party there were no objections, and we get constant calls inquiring if we set the date and when is the information going out, so they can book. Hence, my question about what dates we should include on our save-the-dates.

cjeanmaq · June 2013

CMGr said:

cjeanmaq said:

Wow... FYI, when a couple has a destination wedding they are not required to foot the bill for transportation. As previously indicated, we will not be occupying our guest a full week they are free to enjoy themselves for the majority of the trip. I am aware that cruise lines offer the option of having a ceremony when the ship is docked; however, the date we chose corresponds with being at sea.

Btw, we will be paying for plenty--most of the same things that other couples pay for when having a wedding (ceremony, food, flowers, cake, music, etc.) What I find "rude" is when you're asking a question about stationery that someone would feel the express need to try to dash your spirits. I never asked for any opinions on our planning.

What I can happily say is that we are very blessed to have the family and friends that we have because when we announced our plans at our engagement party there were no objections, and we get constant calls inquiring if we set the date and when is the information going out, so they can book. Hence, my question about what dates we should include on our save-the-dates.

I am sorry you don't like the truth. I was not being rude to you. I was trying to prevent you from making a big faux pas in your wedding planning.
As I posted, you will not be responsible for your guests transportation to the wedding. That means car travel or airfare. Once you ask your guests to open their wallets to pay for admission to your wedding (ex. They have to pay for a cruise to attend your wedding!) then you are crossing the line. If your wedding were being held in an amusement park, would you expect your guests to pay for admission to the amusement park? No. If your wedding were being held in an historic home, would you expect your guests to pay for admission to the historic home? No.
I have been on 16 cruises, and have observed several weddings onboard ship, both at shore and while at sea. I do know what I am talking about. Really, I am just trying to save you grief from your guests, and a lot of hurt feelings.
There is simply be proper way to say "Save the date for our wedding, but be prepared to pay $2000 for the cruise so you can attend it." It isn't possible to do this and be etiquette correct. I can't advise you. The other ladies here will tell you that I am fairly good at wording things.
Think about having your wedding while the ship is in port. Then your guests will have the option of sailing with you, or not.
Oh, and once you post on an open board, you will get many answers. You probably won't like many of them, considering your current plans. You can't tell people how to post. THAT is rude.

Consider us warned. I can appreciate that you wish to impart your wisdom and seem to have some fascination with the outcome of our event or our express welfare, so be it. Enjoy...

Destination Weddings: Do We Pay for Our Guests?

Q.

What's the etiquette? Are we obligated to pay for our guests or subsidize any portion of their trip?

A.

If you are able to pay any portion of your guests' way, it is a nice gesture and they will certainly appreciate it. Couples usually go this route when there aren't many affordable lodging options near their site. In general, though, it is not required that you cover any of your guests' expenses. But aim for harmony regardless and choose a location that offers accomodation options in all price points. You know your guests best, so keep in mind what you think they'll be willing and able to spend when you select your location.

-- JoAnn Gregoli

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

Put the save the date for the actual date of the wedding. You'll need to enclose information about the actual cruise with a note explaining that they'll have to do the week long cruise if they want to attend.

Like PPs said, this really is a bad idea. It might sound fun in theory, but when people are faced with the reality of having to take time off work and spend so much money for a trip that they don't choose, you are going to get a lot of declines. You're also going to get a lot of people who come because they feel guilted into it. You're really expecting too much from your guests. Even if they make it, you're taking advantage of their generosity.

Most people would never be comfortable asking people to spend thousands of dollars to attend a wedding. That's really selfish.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

You are going to have to be super clear that your event starts on the Friday (I mean they have to get on the boat, right?) and ends the following Saturday. If you put the Saturday of your wedding, what if people thought they could just show up and they did and the boat was gone? You should put a time span instead of just a date. How many people are you inviting?

HobokensFury · June 2013

I'm with CMGr on this one. You've expecting too much of your guests.

Dreamergirl8812 · June 2013

OP, are you being compensated in any way from the cruise line? Are you getting a discount on wedding or non-wedding related activities on the cruise?

misssunshine17 · June 2013

You're expecting too much of your guests. I, personally, think many destination weddings are entitled and presumptuous because they might not want to go to your location or take a week of their vacation time for you (and spend 2k).

blueobsidian · June 2013

misssunshine17 said:

You're expecting too much of your guests. I, personally, think many destination weddings are entitled and presumptuous because they might not want to go to your location or take a week of their vacation time for you (and spend 2k).

Then they can RSVP no. Last time I checked, an invitation wasn't a summons and people are perfectly free to decide if they want to go on a trip or can afford to go.

I guess I'm a terrible human being too since my wedding will involve travel for about 90% of the guest list. FI's family lives 8 hours north of where we currently live and my family lives about 8 hours south. We've decided to have our wedding in our current town so (gasp!) nearly every one of our guests will have to take time off work, make the drive or book a flight, and find a place to stay if they want to attend.

Sure, being married abroad or on a cruise is a longer commitment and the couple will probably have a higher percentage of guests who can't make it, but how exactly is it different? Guests will still have to consider their work and financial situations and make a decision over whether or not it is a trip they can afford.

banana468 · June 2013

blueobsidian said:

misssunshine17 said:

You're expecting too much of your guests. I, personally, think many destination weddings are entitled and presumptuous because they might not want to go to your location or take a week of their vacation time for you (and spend 2k).

Then they can RSVP no. Last time I checked, an invitation wasn't a summons and people are perfectly free to decide if they want to go on a trip or can afford to go.

I guess I'm a terrible human being too since my wedding will involve travel for about 90% of the guest list. FI's family lives 8 hours north of where we currently live and my family lives about 8 hours south. We've decided to have our wedding in our current town so (gasp!) nearly every one of our guests will have to take time off work, make the drive or book a flight, and find a place to stay if they want to attend.

Sure, being married abroad or on a cruise is a longer commitment and the couple will probably have a higher percentage of guests who can't make it, but how exactly is it different? Guests will still have to consider their work and financial situations and make a decision over whether or not it is a trip they can afford.

You're missing the point.

IMO, anytime you think that a guest wants to plan an entire vacation around your wedding, you're starting off with a very selfish mentality.

Second, did you not read the other posts? A wedding on land hardly poses the same financial restrictions as one on a cruise ship. Guests will need to either book for the week or not. Your wedding that is local for you and not for your guests does not require a week of travel or forced accommodations in pre-chosen price points.

Sure, the OP's friends and family can choose to attend or not to attend but they could have also chosen to get married before the ship leaves so they wouldn't burden their guests with such a financial contribution.

blueobsidian · June 2013

banana468 said:

blueobsidian said:

misssunshine17 said:

You're expecting too much of your guests. I, personally, think many destination weddings are entitled and presumptuous because they might not want to go to your location or take a week of their vacation time for you (and spend 2k).

Then they can RSVP no. Last time I checked, an invitation wasn't a summons and people are perfectly free to decide if they want to go on a trip or can afford to go.

I guess I'm a terrible human being too since my wedding will involve travel for about 90% of the guest list. FI's family lives 8 hours north of where we currently live and my family lives about 8 hours south. We've decided to have our wedding in our current town so (gasp!) nearly every one of our guests will have to take time off work, make the drive or book a flight, and find a place to stay if they want to attend.

Sure, being married abroad or on a cruise is a longer commitment and the couple will probably have a higher percentage of guests who can't make it, but how exactly is it different? Guests will still have to consider their work and financial situations and make a decision over whether or not it is a trip they can afford.

You're missing the point.

IMO, anytime you think that a guest wants to plan an entire vacation around your wedding, you're starting off with a very selfish mentality.

Second, did you not read the other posts? A wedding on land hardly poses the same financial restrictions as one on a cruise ship. Guests will need to either book for the week or not. Your wedding that is local for you and not for your guests does not require a week of travel or forced accommodations in pre-chosen price points.

Sure, the OP's friends and family can choose to attend or not to attend but they could have also chosen to get married before the ship leaves so they wouldn't burden their guests with such a financial contribution.

Yes, I did read the entire post. I just don't see the problem. If someone doesn't want to go on the cruise, they don't go. No one is assuming that they want to go. An invitation is sent that people are perfectly free to decline if they don't want to take a cruise.

Last time I checked, all that was required for a wedding was the couple, an officiant, and a marriage license. We've actually thought about eloping and having no friends and family present. It wouldn't be any less of a wedding.

MoxieMickie · June 2013

readingrrl · June 2013

PP aside, I'm going to attempt to answer the asked question:

Use the STD to direct recipients to a wedding website with detailed information about what I'm sure will be a lovely wedding celebration.

We're hosting a weekend-long celebration and are going with postcard Save The Dates. Sample wording below:

(Front:)

Save The Date

Readingrrl + FI

June 14, 2014 (the actual day of the wedding)

Location

(Back:)

Dear Guest,

Please visit our website at www.janeandjohndoe.com for all the details about our wedding weekend. We hope you'll be able to attend.

Love,

etc.

Also, because it will be a small, intimate wedding, we're also circulating info by word-of-mouth that it is really a whole weekend of events, if they can make it. Like you, we're sending info out 12 months in advance as ALL of our families are 500+ miles away.

Good luck, and I hope that helps!

Blue & White · June 2013

I personally wouldn't want all my wedding guests on my honeymoon ship. Uh hi grandma. Awkward.

I wouldn't go to a weeklong cruise wedding even if it were my sibling and we are super close.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

I am kind of flip flopping with the two differing sides. I do see the side where it is an invitation not a summons and the guest can decline if they do not want to book such a long vacation to attend a wedding. But I also agree that a DW on a cruise ship really limits the guests choices. If it were on land at a hotel then the guests can choose their length of stay but with a cruise you are stuck for 8 days whether you like it or not.

Since this is a crusie DW I am leaning more to the side that this is not the best plan. I think moving the wedding up and having it prior to when the cruise leaves is the best way to go because then guests don't have to make the decision between missing your wedding or taking an 8 day vacation that they may not really have wanted to take.

For DW weddings I think the bride and groom better be ok with spending a lot of time with their family and friends that attend their wedding after the fact. I think that since their guests spent so much time and money to attend their DW affair then it is the least the bride and groom could do to spend as much time as possible with all of their guests.

mlg78 · June 2013

As Maggie said, I'm also seeing both sides to this. I think if it were a significantly shorter cruise that this could also be more understandable. 8 days is a very long vacation in general...

NYCMercedes · June 2013

Opps. Read fail.

QueerFemme · June 2013

I honestly hate DWs in general. I think it's a lot to ask your guests to take a weekend or week off to travel to a location where neither of the parties getting married live, and have to pay for a hotel and flight, etc. It's certainly different if you are getting married in your city and that city happens to be out of town for your guests.

This cruise thing? 8 days? Yeah, no. I realize your guests can say no. But, this plan is ridiculous, in my opinion.

But, since you asked for wording.. how's this:

Save the week+1

For our wedding and your annual vacation.

Be prepared to spend 8 days on the cruise ship,

(but, only a few with us... cuz, we'll be on our honeymoon after the wedding, so don't bother us if you see us on the ship)

and blow all of your vacation time

and your money.

daria24 · June 2013

Usually in situations like this, the couple gets free upgrades depending on how many of their guests book the trip, plus the guests are the ones paying for their own dinner at the "reception". It's no different than charging people for their plate IMO. Plus they are partially paying for your HM. Tacky.

Jean0715 · June 2013

cjeanmaq Opinion aside, heres an answer to your question. Two co-workers I work with recently had or are in the process of planning a cruise-type wedding. (One had their ceremony in a church locally and another is having their ceremony on the ship while at sea)

REGARDLESS, when they sent out STD they sent out a STD with the date of the wedding on it. BUT in the envelope was a 'flyer' thingie that listed all of the pertinent information: dates, port of call, stops and MOST IMPORTANTLY the travel agent being used AND price points.

Hope this helps.

libby2483 · June 2013

I'm with @Maggie0829 and @mlg78 on this one. I really can see both sides, but generally, when I picture myself in this situation, I lean towards it being a bad idea.

It is true that an invitation isn't a summons, and people are fee to decline. It is likely that many will. I do understand you're not forcing anyone to attend your wedding.

However, if a very close friend or family member chose this option for his or her wedding, there is a very slim chance I would be able to attend. 1) We just put a new roof on our house, so we are working to build up savings and a costly DW would not be in the budget. 2) H and I are both teachers, and we only have 2 personal/vacation days throughout the school year, so we couldn't get off of work even if we wanted to. I take several grad. school credits in the summer, so an eight-day vacation during the summer would be out, too, unless it fell during a very specific window. 3) H has had some very bad experiences with sea sickness in the past and is horrified by the idea of going on a cruise.

If this were my sister or best friend's wedding, I still would not be able to attend right now. And honestly, I would feel a bit of resentment towards that person for planning a wedding that was so inconvenient to attend. Not to mention, I would be devastated that I wouldn't be able to attend the wedding of someone I care about so much.

KDM323 · June 2013

Asking your guests to take an 8 day cruise is a LOT to ask. A LOT.

It is one thing to have a destination wedding and a completely other thing to expect them to take (and afford) an 8 day cruise.

I would re-think this idea. I don't know how you would word an invitation to this...it is so completely out of the normal and really really self-centered.

If you want to get married on an 8 day cruise at sea...then elope and get married on an 8 day cruise at sea.

If you want to get married and having family and friends present...then pick something more realistic. Get married in a port where people can meet you at port. Get married before you go on the cruise. You aren't giving any options OTHER than spending money on an 8 day cruise with the plan you currently have. And that's just rude.

Or, have a celebration of your wedding when you return (NOT a PPD, a celebration of the wedding).

But don't expect your friends and family to spend thousands of dollars on a cruise and take an entire week of vacation time to attend. That's really really rude.

Dreamergirl8812 · June 2013

<-------- OP

PeachesNCream22 · June 2013

As someone who has had to decline the wedding of a close friend before because of financial reasons, I can tell you that it feels pretty bad. I felt very guilty like I was abandoning my friend, and I also felt bad because it was like she was making the decision that the surroundings and trappings were more important to her than having her friends and family there. (It was a similar DW situation where a lot of her other close friends and even family members backed out because of money, too). The bride felt awful because she had arranged for such a fancy wedding and no one could come, but she was still attached to the idea of the "perfect wedding." She even joked about hiring actors to fill the empty ceremony room. The whole thing left a bad taste in everyone's mouth and as much as I hate to say it, she and I are not quite as close anymore since then. It's not as easy as you think to just say, "Oh, anyone who can't afford it doesn't have to come."

JoanE2012 · June 2013

cjeanmaq said:

Wow... FYI, when a couple has a destination wedding they are not required to foot the bill for transportation. As previously indicated, we will not be occupying our guest a full week they are free to enjoy themselves for the majority of the trip. I am aware that cruise lines offer the option of having a ceremony when the ship is docked; however, the date we chose corresponds with being at sea.

Btw, we will be paying for plenty--most of the same things that other couples pay for when having a wedding (ceremony, food, flowers, cake, music, etc.) What I find "rude" is when you're asking a question about stationery that someone would feel the express need to try to dash your spirits. I never asked for any opinions on our planning.

What I can happily say is that we are very blessed to have the family and friends that we have because when we announced our plans at our engagement party there were no objections, and we get constant calls inquiring if we set the date and when is the information going out, so they can book. Hence, my question about what dates we should include on our save-the-dates.

I would decline. I am not going to use up my vacation time (and vacation money!) on a destination I didn't even get to choose.

tiny speck · June 2013

This is really terrible idea. Like many PPs, there is no way I would be able to attend a wedding like this even if it were my own sister's. No way at all. I really do not understand why OP won't change the date of the wedding to date when the ship will be in port. I think that would make things so much easier for many guests (who probably would still have to make a big trip to get there, depending on where the port is---but at least they wouldn't be held hostage for over a week just to be at the wedding).

Save the week?

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Destination Weddings: Do We Pay for Our Guests?

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