Family awkwardness. Suggestions appreciated!

suzie211 · June 2013

I am really close to my family with the exception of my mom's brother. My mother did her best to hide some of the awful, selfish things he did from us while we were younger. As an adult, I can see with my own eyes just how awful a person he is. Between his selfishness, his gay bashing, and irresponsible behavior I couldn't handle him anymore, and I chose to cut him out of my life. He is not invited to my wedding. FI and I are choosing to only spend the day with people we love. Right now he is not on that list.

Yesterday he sent me a message asking to be invited to the wedding. I have not returned it. I haven't talked to him in almost two years and am not going to return a rude message to start.

My question is how to handle this with the rest of my family? My mom's side of the family is well aware of my opinion of my uncle. He and my mother rarely speak unless its absolutely necessary. Although he does have more contact with my aunt and her children. I'm guessing this is where he learned of my wedding. I know this is an awkward situation for them, and these are my issues with him and not theirs. I'm afraid he will bully them for information on the wedding and try to weasel his way in through them.

Would you contact them letting them know you are aware of the situation they may be put in, or just let the invites (or lack of) speak for themselves?

TIA

ravenray · June 2013

I would probably not contact them. Unless they say something to you, why bother creating a possibly uncomfortable situation for them? If you are sure he would come if he got the information to your wedding, I recommend hiring a bouncer. Good luck. It's really difficult to deal with family *hugs*

mymissingpuzzlepiece · June 2013

I agree with @ravenray. If I was in your situation I wouldn't contact them.

phira · June 2013

I'm so sorry about this situation!

First thing I would do is either directly OR through the grapevine (like, through your mom or another family member) make sure your family knows that this uncle is not to be told more information about the wedding. Not anything about the time, location, or any other details. Nada.

The next thing I would do is talk with your fiance and come up with a plan in case your uncle DOES show up. Is there a way to make sure that only people on the guest list are admitted into the venue?

buddysmom80 · June 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any contact with my mom's family so I understand. If anything keep ignoring him. If he continues to harass you via FB or whatever just block him. If he has to have a response tell him your venue is at capacity and bean dip him. Also if you think he's going to weasel his way in I would make sure your venue coordinator is aware and he/she will be able to handle it.

suzie211 · June 2013

Thanks for the responses! I agree that not contacting other family members is probably the best option. My mother is well aware that we are not inviting him, and if another family member asks her about his invite I will ask that she mention we are limiting the invites to those we are closest to. I am okay with other family members having a relationship with my uncle; its my decision to cut him off. A few others share this same stance on him, so I am not alone and he is definitely aware of our thoughts on him.

I'll also let my venue coordinator know that he may potentially show up, and work on a way to address it if it does. He's known to invite himself to things he sees on social media. I have blocked him from all of my social media, but other family members have not. He only has my phone number because he weaseled it out of another family member. He's very clear on how I feel about him, but chooses to act as if did nothing wrong and is the victim in this situation. He's not.

radleyboo · June 2013

It sounds like you've got your head about you, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Do you think that a short, concise response to his direct question would nip it in the bud and prevent him from making other family uncomfortable? I like the PP's suggestion above about saying something like, "I"m sorry Uncle X, but our guest list has been limited due to venue size/budget/whatever. Thank you for asking." Just a thought, I'd hate for him to start harassing others because he can't have his way.

He sounds like a piece of work, but you've done a great job establishing boundaries. Good for you, and good luck! Let us know how it works out.

suzie211 · June 2013

@radleyboo I have thought about a short and sweet response, but historically he doesn't take well to not getting the answer he wants. He'll keep asking, and I am not going to change my mind.

And piece of work is putting it nicely:) You can't imagine the stories I can tell about him. I like to think every family has a crazy, though.

And I just saw your ticker!!! 5 days!!! So happy for you!

radleyboo · June 2013

Thank you!

leia1979 · June 2013

While I personally prefer to avoid conflict, it might be best in this case to provide a brief response. If he asks again, you can ignore him because you already answered.

Sorry for your situation. I really didn't want to invite my crazy aunt. I did anyway because my mom said I should and fortunately it was okay. But your situation sounds different, and it sounds like you are making a good, rational decision.

bethsmiles · June 2013

I avoid conflict like the plague so I would completely ignore the fact that I got his message not just go on with everything as planned. Unless more happens I don't think you need to do anything or explain yourself to anyone.

Family awkwardness. Suggestions appreciated!

Re: Family awkwardness. Suggestions appreciated!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards