FI's ex-wife still texts him

teacherjodee · June 2013

Some background info: FI got divorced a year ago. His exwife cheated on him. They were married less than a year.

Anyway she sporadically texts him. He has always been upfront with me when this happens. They still have a joint cell phone contract that expires in July so he has had to take checks from her every 3 months or so. Also when he moved in with me, he had to have her take care of some issues with his old apartment. That's been the extent of his end of communication with her.

However, from the beginning of our relationship she's tried to interfere. Hours after he friended me on Facebook when we first met, she tried to friend me.

She's always sent him texts here and there and when he doesn't respond she freaks out and starts texting even more.

We got engaged last week and somehow she found out. She text him on Saturday morning saying, "Were you even going to have the common courtesy to tell me?" When she got no response, she followed up with "thanks a lot." And "congrats" and finally "I'm really happy for you."

Again FI didn't respond. So he gets this gem this morning, "I can't believe you didn't even respond, u know I wish you well and glad u found happiness why would you just not respond? That hurts my feelings thought " (I copied and pasted this text. Please excuse the spelling/grammar.)

It's bothering me that she's so persistent. I am on the verge of texting her myself (which I have never done) and telling her to stop. But I don't want to be "that" girl. Any advice?

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Ignore her. Yes, it's irritating, but she'll love the attention, so don't give her what she wants.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

What's most important in this scenario is how FI handles this, but it seems to me he's handling it perfectly.

He is 150% upfront with you and doesn't feed into her, which is exactly what he should be doing. Just ignore her.

CLoGreenEyes · June 2013

Sydaries is wise. Ignore her and enjoy your life with FI.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

I'm with Syd. He is handling it by ignoring it and yes, you would seem crazy.

Once their contract is up, have him switch his phone number so she can't text him.

jennylee813 · June 2013

I text my ex husband too. We usually text or email things about the kids.

If she's just doing this for attention (and only you and your FI can judge this), ignore her. If it's actual important information (like something to do with kids or the paperwork required to separate their lives) that's different. But it does just sound like she's poking around and trying to stir things up.

I agree with PPs. Unless they have children, he should switch his number and limit contact.

rel1988 · June 2013

Props to your FI for handing the situation right! July is only a month away!! Have him change his number. Good luck!

hockeywife10 · June 2013

I text my ex about the kids and sometimes he tells me things that I just don't want to hear, about his personal life. I usually just ignore him...

artbyallie · June 2013

If anyone tells her to stop, it needs to be him, not you. However, I agree that both of you just not engaging with her at all is probably for the best.

radleyboo · June 2013

My ex and I communicate via text for things about the kids. What bugs me is that he'll ask questions about what's going on with me and FI, and I usually answer as generically as possible. He actually had the cajones to tell me that "he wouldn't go to Mexico for a honeymoon because Michigan is beautiful in June". I told him not to worry about it because he wasn't invited anyway. Idiot.

loves2shop4shoes · June 2013

All she's looking for is a response from SOMEONE so she can still feel relevant in his life.

Don't give it to her. It'll only make things worse.

runpipparun · June 2013

I think I wouldn't be bugged about it, unless she seemed to have a hold on him still. If he doesn't respond to it in a way that makes you concerned that he still has feelings, then why should you be worried? Ignore, ignore.

Pookieson · June 2013

Ignore her. I agree with all PP's.

QueerFemme · June 2013

I don't understand why your FI didn't just pay the termination fee and get her off his phone plan. Unless there are children involved, I don't see any reason why he would have kept any ties. And, how did she know he "friended" you? Unless she is/was his FB friend, she wouldn't have known that.

Anyway... I agree with everyone else, don't respond to the texts.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

If you have Verizon, you can get a new plan without paying the termination fee. When I moved out of my parents house, we still had our family plan because I thought we were stuck in the contract. But it turns out that if I stayed with Verizon, there was no penalty against my parents or me. I would look into this asap.

And if there are no kids involved, then once everything is finalized, he should tell her not to contact him anymore (and block her from FB). She sounds like she really wants the attention from her ex. But as PP said, don't contact her yourself.

teacherjodee · June 2013

There are no children involved. He has Sprint and would have had to pay $400 to get their phones separated.

As for Facebook, there used to be an option to see "recently added friends". He didnt have restrictions on his Facebook and she could see even though they weren't friends.

He said he will just change his number in July. I'm not getting involved but it's still irritating.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

QueerFemme · June 2013

teacherjodee said:

There are no children involved. He has Sprint and would have had to pay $400 to get their phones separated. As for Facebook, there used to be an option to see "recently added friends". He didnt have restrictions on his Facebook and she could see even though they weren't friends. He said he will just change his number in July. I'm not getting involved but it's still irritating

$400.00 would have been worth it to me. But, in any event, he can change his phone number before the contract is up.

teacherjodee · June 2013

xt5678 said:
I agree with PPs that you should definitely not get involved. It sounds like it will add fuel to the fire. End the contract, change numbers, problem solved. No kids so no reason to communicate and it should be over.

I personally would be concerned that they were only married a year and he was engaged within the next year while still having ties to her (i.e., phone contract, apartment, etc.). I don't see why he didn't terminate the contract and pay the extra $$ instead of putting you both through this. Good for him for keeping you in the loop and not feeding into her though.

I came from a very similar experience as FI. My ex husband cheated on me and it took us a year to separate all of our business after the divorce. I couldn't get his name off of the car or house until the divorce was final and then it took a while to refinance

MsYeck · June 2013

Hell if the plan is in her name I definitely would cancel the plan. Sounds like she is using this as a way to still control the ex

Jessa617 · June 2013

I would have eaten the money too. One of the first things I did when I left my ex was cancel his plan under mine. I had to pay early termination fees, but there was no way in hell I was paying for his phone or giving him a way to contact me just to harrass me.

July is right around the corner, so it's kind of pointless to do anything regarding the plan now. Might as well wait until July. This is something I would have done a year ago when the relationship ended.

There's not much you can do, ditto to PP's and just ignore her.

QueerFemme · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

cmgilpin said:

teacherjodee said:

There are no children involved. He has Sprint and would have had to pay $400 to get their phones separated. As for Facebook, there used to be an option to see "recently added friends". He didnt have restrictions on his Facebook and she could see even though they weren't friends. He said he will just change his number in July. I'm not getting involved but it's still irritating

$400.00 would have been worth it to me. But, in any event, he can change his phone number before the contract is up.

It sounds like HE is on HER plan, so if he changes his number, it will show up on her bill.

Ahhh, I read it as she was on HIS plan, since he has to take checks "from her". Either way, I would have shut my phone off and paid the termination fee.

mrssjm · June 2013

Ignore her til your FI's contract is up for renewal. Have him change his number then. If you text her back, you will only make the situation worse. She may be one of those exs "If he isn't happy with me, then he can't be happy at all.".... As long as your FI is 100% about you and ignoring her, you two will be fine. Been there done that.

TonyAndShaunna · June 2013

She sounds a tad crazy.. sorry you have to put up with it! I agree with everyone else though, ignore her - communicating with her in any way will only give her what she wants

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

He can set his phone so that her ringer/text buzzer is silent. Then he won't know when she texts or calls. He'll eventually see it, but it's much easier to ignore. I wouldn't pay $400 to get out of a plan with only a month remaining.

Make sure you both block her on FB. Not just de-friend, but actively block her from being able to see your profiles or message you.

Then ignore the texts for another month. She'll eventually go away.

QueerFemme · June 2013

MyNameIsNot said:

He can set his phone so that her ringer/text buzzer is silent. Then he won't know when she texts or calls. He'll eventually see it, but it's much easier to ignore. I wouldn't pay $400 to get out of a plan with only a month remaining.

Make sure you both block her on FB. Not just de-friend, but actively block her from being able to see your profiles or message you.

Then ignore the texts for another month. She'll eventually go away.

I probably wouldn't either. But, I sure would have a year ago when they got divorced.

teacherjodee · June 2013

Knowing FI, I'm sure he naively thought he could conduct the phone bill like a business situation and not be out the $400. He underestimated his ex's capacity to go nuts. As women, we would have seen that coming a mile away. Sometimes, we are just smarter that way

RamonaFlowers · June 2013

Did not read all of the responses, but I'm going to say this:

If they have children together and they should be in some kind of contact with each other for matters concerning said children. However, if there are no kids, there's honestly no reason for them to have any kind of relationship/contact with each other anymore if he doesn't want to. Since there's less than a month left on the cell phone contract at this point, I would just let the cell phone plan ride, and then he can (And SHOULD) change his number ... and not tell her what the new one is. Again: this is if there are no children between them.

It seems like he's been ignoring her efforts to contact him, so IMO, this isn't a problem that you actually need to address. If he were constantly responding to her, or if there was reason for you to believe that he hasn't been giving you absolute full disclosure about her, then you'd be well within your rights to say something to him about it. But you saying anything directly to her is really just sending her a great big message of "Hey! You make me feel insecure! If you weren't around, I could totes be HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY" ... and if she's just looking to get a rise out of you (or the both of you), you're just giving her what she wants.

Bottom line: if your FI isn't giving her the time of day, you don't need to, either. If he is, then you need to address him about why he is doing so. There is absolutely no reason for you to be in contact with her

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Good thing his contract is up in a couple weeks. Stick it out and don't get involved. Get him on your plan with a new phone number. Like Stage said, you responding is like a shiny present. It would for sure fuel the fire. She's annoying and sounds pretty desperate, but don't let it get to you - just laugh about it.

Agree wit PPs though - if they have kids, it's really important she has his number in case of emergencies. If they don't, she doesn't need anything more than his email address... if that.

MuppetFan · June 2013

I would get a new contract now. Pay her in advance by check for the rest of the commitment. Change my phone number, and absolutely remove her from my fb. Why are they FB friends?

After divorcing my husband, I only talked to him regarding our house and finances. He called me when his grandmother died to let me know (I loved her). Since we sold our house, the only communication I've had with him was to send him something I found that was his great aunt's. I didn't put my return address on it.

FI's ex-wife still texts him

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