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Too many speeches.

harper0813harper0813 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
FI keeps asking people to give speeches. He's a big people-person and, being in sales, loves to make people feel appreciated.

We're now up to: three of his groomsmen, his best man, and his dad, on top of my dad and my maid of honor.

I've tried to thwart this by planning to have a mic set up for people to share their (short) favorite memories of us instead of clinking their glasses. I've twice tried interjecting nicely during his speech invitation and he waves it off. At the risk of not insulting the ask-ee by interrupting and saying "no, we already have enough speeches", I just shut up. And it seems insulting to un-ask them without cutting speeches entirely - which our dads, at least, are very much looking forward to. (Do you agree?)

I've requested that he stop asking people to make speeches because they will be boring for our guests to sit through. I know we can ask the guests to keep it to a minute or less but with alcohol in one's system or simply a lot to say, speeches can easily get long. How can I help curb this? There are still godparents, former and current bosses, and various other people I can imagine him asking...
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Re: Too many speeches.

  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I think your concern is valid. Have you expressed this -- flat out -- to your FI? "Hey, I love the idea of having our guests share their favorite memories with us, but I worry that this might get tedious for the other guests listening. Can we ask them to share these memories in the form of cards or something written, rather than interrupting the flow of reception?"
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    runpipparun said:
    I think your concern is valid. Have you expressed this -- flat out -- to your FI? "Hey, I love the idea of having our guests share their favorite memories with us, but I worry that this might get tedious for the other guests listening. Can we ask them to share these memories in the form of cards or something written, rather than interrupting the flow of reception?"
    @runpipparun - yeah, I just spoke to him about it a little while ago. He said that speeches were really important to him and that these people are very important to him. When I asked him to think of weddings where there were a lot of speeches or very long speeches and whether they were fun to listen to, he shrugged it off.
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  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
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    I would tell him that the comfort of guests and their enjoyment of the reception is really important to you, and a wedding reception is not the appropriate venue for an open mic. People come to eat, drink, and dance, not to listen to others' blather on drunkenly for an hour about how wonderful the two of you are or listen to stories that they cannot relate to. Honestly, I think that's largely the issue. Speeches have a tendency (especially if they are not well-prepared) to be exclusive to the bride and groom and the speech-giver, and they alienate everyone else in the room. If I were a guest and had to listen to a bunch of those in a row, I'd be dead to the reception by the time the fun stuff rolled around.
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
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    First of all, they aren't speeches, they are toasts. We're only asking the best man and MOH to give toasts and my stepdad (hosting the wedding with my mom), to say a quick "welcome"/toast....those 3 are the only thing I've ever seen at a wedding and I'd cringe at the thought of having more.

    Remind him that these are supposed to be toasts, not really memory-sharing events. You're right in being concerned...many of your guests will be miserable after the 3rd one...especially because most people talk FAR longer than they probably should.

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  • SilverSarahBSilverSarahB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What about a video-confessional-toasting place?  IF there's a dedicated toasting camera that can go around or be around during the reception, it gives the guests a chance to share something heartfelt with the bride and groom (to be watched later).  That way, your hubby-to-be can still feel the connection with his friends, and you get to say "No more mic'ed speeches".    
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  • ootmother3ootmother3
    5 Love Its First Comment

    According to the etiquette gurus, there are only three required speeches.

    FOB greeting his guests (assuming he is hosting)

    BM toasting the new couple ad their future together

    Groom toasting his bride (enough said)

    Remember that less is more

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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    SilverSarahB said:
    What about a video-confessional-toasting place?  IF there's a dedicated toasting camera that can go around or be around during the reception, it gives the guests a chance to share something heartfelt with the bride and groom (to be watched later).  That way, your hubby-to-be can still feel the connection with his friends, and you get to say "No more mic'ed speeches".    
    This.  I've been to a few weddings where someone's going around with a video camera and everyone who's inclined can say something to the B&G - this could be a great compromise.  More than three toasts - yikes.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    People are supposed to offer them, not be asked to give them! 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
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    AddieL73 said:
    People are supposed to offer them, not be asked to give them! 
    Bahaha! So true. I just got done writing and giving a toast at my brother's wedding, as the Best Woman. I worked on it for 3 weeks, and my stomach was in KNOTS the whole wedding until after I got done. Why would you do that to a guest?
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  • yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    zoberg said:
    FI keeps asking people to give speeches. He's a big people-person and, being in sales, loves to make people feel appreciated.

    We're now up to: three of his groomsmen, his best man, and his dad, on top of my dad and my maid of honor.

    I've tried to thwart this by planning to have a mic set up for people to share their (short) favorite memories of us instead of clinking their glasses. I've twice tried interjecting nicely during his speech invitation and he waves it off. At the risk of not insulting the ask-ee by interrupting and saying "no, we already have enough speeches", I just shut up. And it seems insulting to un-ask them without cutting speeches entirely - which our dads, at least, are very much looking forward to. (Do you agree?)

    I've requested that he stop asking people to make speeches because they will be boring for our guests to sit through. I know we can ask the guests to keep it to a minute or less but with alcohol in one's system or simply a lot to say, speeches can easily get long. How can I help curb this? There are still godparents, former and current bosses, and various other people I can imagine him asking...

    What did he say when you asked him not to ask anyone else? I'm taking it that he didn't agree to that? 

    I hate to say it, but we can't control everything at our weddings. I think it's a great idea to not ask anyone else to make a toast or to ask those who are making a toast to keep it short and sweet, please....but someone might make a longer speech and your FI seems to want this for the wedding and he's not worried about it being boring for the guests. I think it's good that you were honest with your FI about your concerns but don't feel like it's your responsibility to make sure that the toasts are short and that your guests don't get bored of them. The best thing to do in this case might be to go with the flow and appreciate the good-intentions of the toasters. 

    I would not advise you to cut toasts or to un-ask anyone who has been asked. If I were you I would try talking to your FI again to make sure that he understands your concerns (and see if he will agree to not asking anyone else) and then leave it at that. You could schedule the toasts as early as possible in the evening so that the toast-givers are as sober as possible. That could help a bit. It's up to you but I tend to think that if this means a lot to him (and to your Dad's, etc.) then maybe that's the most important thing. Maybe when the speech is being told and you look around the room and worry that people are getting bored, the look on your FI's face will be worth it. I think that you are right to want to limit speeches, but since you're not on the same page as your FI then this is one thing I'd lean towards being flexible on. You have other things to worry about for the wedding day without trying to control the speeches that are being given in your honour and encouraged by your fiance. You could get frustrated or start having a real argument with your FI over it. I'm sure that after the wedding day you won't be worried about this anymore, whether the speeches turn out to be short and sweet- or longer than you wanted them to be.

    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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  • slc1029slc1029
    First Anniversary First Comment
    My best friend had a similar problem with her FI.  They ended up doing the speeches at the rehearsal dinner instead of the reception.   It worked for them, so maybe that's an option.
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yeah, I agree with the PP who suggested attempting to do them at the rehearsal dinner if you're having one. 

    Or, at Military Balls, different guys will read different short lines of one big toast. Could you think about doing something like this? Where each speaker just says a sentence or two that coordinates as part of one larger speech that only lasts a couple minutes?

    I know that's asking a lot of coordination from your speakers, but your FI already asked them to do it anyway haha. 
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  • kiwikiss56kiwikiss56 member
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    i've been at weddings where the speeches lasted 30 minutes...::yawn:: i would agree with pp to include the speeches at the rehearsal dinner.  i know my fiance's dad will want to speak but he talks a lot so we're having him do it at the rehearsal (which is more appropriate anyway since they are paying/hosting it).  we also plan to have the speeches during the salad so it doesn't just feel like you are sitting there (with empty glasses) the whole time.  
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Can you rephrase it to 'toast' when the people already asked talk to you about it so it insinuates it should be shorter and a not a 'speech'?? 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Agree with the PP who suggested the "toast cam". You could even set it up like a photobooth and have an attendant there to help out. Then you tell FI that everyone he asked can be first in line at the "toast cam" - but the ones who will make "public" toasts are limited to 3 - MOH, best man, and the host of the reception welcoming the guests. 

    On a side note, it seems like you two aren't really doing this together. It seems like he's just running off willy nilly and it's all about him. This is going to provide an extremely lopsided toast scheduling since it's pretty much all of his family/friends - which kind of leaves you behind and is weird. How would he feel if there was something he wasn't comfortable with and you were like, "sorry honey, I want this so eff you - I'm going to do it anyway." Not cool. You guys need to decide this together and if you're not cool with it, stand your ground and tell him no.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • allispainallispain member
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    StageManager14 said:
    Am I the only one who thinks that OP's FI completely ignoring her request is crap?
    Nope, not at all. Crap. I think she needs to sit him down again and have a serious talk about this - and about how him ignoring her previous comments makes her feel (since I'm sure it's not very good).
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
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    StageManager14 said:
    Am I the only one who thinks that OP's FI completely ignoring her request is crap?
    I was thinking this too.

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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
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    Am I the only one who thinks that OP's FI completely ignoring her request is crap?
    Took the words right out of my mouth.
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
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    StageManager14 said:

    Am I the only one who thinks that OP's FI completely ignoring her request is crap?

    No, you're not alone. He's a stubborn guy. I swear, he has many redeeming qualities...

    And PPs, you've given great advice. I talked to him once again over dinner and he'll be asking the guys to give short toasts at the rehearsal dinner instead, and we'll be using the word "toasts" across the board. It helped to reminisce about some of the weddings we've attended.

    I wonder what he'll fixate on next - hopefully those wedding bands he offered to buy.
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
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    Oh and I appreciate the video suggestion - we unfortunately do not have the spare money for a videographer.
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  • gmcr78gmcr78 member
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    StageManager14 said:
    Am I the only one who thinks that OP's FI completely ignoring her request is crap?


    No, I'm with you.  I hate that he keeps dismissing her because it's "important to him".  It's important to her and should be important to both of them not to bore their guests to death.

    OP, I got worried about the number of toasts there would be at a friend's wedding when I was MOH, so I suggested I give mine at the rehearsal dinner.  I'm so glad I did-the best man and officiant (who was also a close friend) both had long ones.  They were entertaining, but I would have hated to pile on more time.  Someone else suggested that maybe the people he's already asked can do it at the rehearsal dinner, is that a possibility?

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