Mom vs MIL

snicks26 · June 2013

I need some advice on some mom trouble. I was recently talking to my mom about dress shopping in the future, and when I mentioned bringing her along as well as my younger sister (MOH), his mom, and his sister, she got upset and made it clear she doesn't want his family to be there. We are high school sweethearts, and I have known his family for so long they are my "second family". I am really close to his mom, and I think it makes my own mother jealous. But I know my FMIL is wanting to come along too. I want to involve all four, but I don't want my mom to be upset. Any ideas on what to do?

hlvonb · June 2013

That is a sticky situation. I would explain to you mom that you want his family there because it would mean a lot to have them there and maybe offer that you and her do something (just the two of you) before or after the dress shopping.

manateehugger · June 2013

I think a lot of moms picture the dress moment in their heads. And that picture usually doesn't include the in-laws.

My mom got this way a little bit with the dress shopping. I compromised by having just having my mom and sisters along for the first round. And then when I went back to the salon a week later to actually buy the dress I wanted, I invited FMIL and FSIL to come along. I tried on two of my favorites and then the one I wanted from the weekend before. I think it worked out really well for us - my mom got her special moment with me but I still got to include FMIL in the experience.

If you don't want to try my compromise though, try to have a heart-to-heart with your mom about why she's adamant against the FMIL being there. She might just be freaking out a bit and needing some reassurance.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2013

Is your mother paying for the dress? Typically I'd say stick to your guns and if she wants to pout and ruin the experience for herself so be it. But if she's paying she can make things miserable for you while dress shopping if she really wants to go there. I hope she wouldn't though.

allispain · June 2013

PDKH gives great advice about going shopping in "rounds" if that will help mollify your mom and you're okay with going that route. Heck, I went the first time with just one of my BMs and then brought my mom to see "the gown" after I'd made up my mind - we have such different tastes that I had been afraid she would make negative comments on the ones I liked and would try to get me into something totally different. She still got to have her "mom" moment while I still got to have the shopping experience I wanted.

Given the dynamics and you mentioning that your mom might be jealous of FMIL, I would still have a talk with her, regardless of whether you go shopping in rounds or not. Your FI's family will potentially be involved in other aspects of the wedding planning, and it's best to deal with her feelings sooner rather than later. It may be enough just to tell her how much she means to you, that her opinion is of course the most important to you (if this is true), etc.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Going in rounds is really diplomatic, but what if you find "the dress" when you're with FMIL? If there's an existing jealousy factor, you might be left in the sticky spot of getting your dream dress or not disappointing your mom.

I would ask your mom why she doesn't want in law there. If it's reasonable - like "the place you want to go only allows 2 guests and I'd really like it to be me and your sister", fine. If it's "I don't want you to share this special moment with anyone but me" then you have to decide if that's what YOU also want. Sounds like it's not. Explain to her if you are planning to do some wedding stuff just the two of you and then let her know you'd really like dress shopping to include both side of your new future family. Unfortunately money does play a role, so if she's paying she does have a say in this.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

I brought my MIL shopping with me. She only has two sons, so I thought she'd want to come have the experience with me. We had a great time. If you want to make your mom feel special in it, you could do what I did-- my mom came back into the dressing room with me while everyone else waited out in the sitting area. She got to help me out and be the first one who saw me in each of the dresses. Then we could talk about them before anyone else saw them.

I only did this because I have terrible anxiety and needed my mother alone with me to calm me down and keep me distracted, not so she could feel special. She was happy that MIL was there (although I have seen a tiny bit of 'You don't like her more than me, right?' nonsense, she welcomed her with open arms). Really, I think your mother is being silly.

Kate61487 · June 2013

I agree that talking with your mom about why she's feeling that way would be good. Perhaps promising a "just you two" shopping day for her dress; or for the veil or other accessories would mollify her.

runpipparun · June 2013

My mom would have been the same way regarding FMIL, but it was never an issue because FMIL never "approved" of our engagement and wouldn't have wanted to come. But my mom also didn't want a hoard of friends and other people along. (Honestly, I didn't either. I've seen one too many episodes of SYTTD.)

I would talk to her and see what her reasoning is. This is a very special thing for a mom. Shopping in rounds is a good idea.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

I would talk with your Mom first about her reasoning. If she is still unhappy with the idea of your FMIL and FSIL coming along I think the idea of shopping in "rounds" is a good one. Even if you do find "the dress" on the first round you could then make a second appointment to bring FMIL and FSIL along with you to try on the dress again and make the purchase.

manateehugger · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Going in rounds is really diplomatic, but what if you find "the dress" when you're with FMIL? If there's an existing jealousy factor, you might be left in the sticky spot of getting your dream dress or not disappointing your mom.

I would ask your mom why she doesn't want in law there. If it's reasonable - like "the place you want to go only allows 2 guests and I'd really like it to be me and your sister", fine. If it's "I don't want you to share this special moment with anyone but me" then you have to decide if that's what YOU also want. Sounds like it's not. Explain to her if you are planning to do some wedding stuff just the two of you and then let her know you'd really like dress shopping to include both side of your new future family. Unfortunately money does play a role, so if she's paying she does have a say in this.

I should have explained it better. When I went back for the second "round," my mom was still there. I just invited FMIL and FSIL as well.

I found my dress on day one (first dress, first store). So when I went back to actually purchase the dress with Mom and FMIL, I threw on a couple extras just for the sake of hearing FMIL's thoughts.

mlg78 · June 2013

To be more inclusive I had my mom (and MOH & 2 BMs) with me for dress shopping but when I went for my first fitting I had my mom, his mom, his grandmother and his aunt. They LOVED being a part of things and while they weren't there for the selection of the dress they really enjoyed that I involved them because that was the first time anyone saw me with the jewelry, veil, shoes and my hair somewhat done up in the way that I hope to for my wedding. I think this would be a great option for you to consider!

manateehugger · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Stage, there are roles for a lot of relatives, but it doesnt mean everyone goes everywhere.

No, but she's close to her FMIL and wants her there. The "role" of the relative depends on the relationship with that relative.

Anastasia517 · June 2013

NYU, she said she is really close to her FMIL. She also said "I want to involve all four", meaning her family and her future in-laws.

If you really want them all involved, I would invite them along. If my FMIL would have been in town, I would have invited her as well. I like Kate's idea about promising your mother a mother/daughter day to look for her own dress later.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

I do not think Mother/Daughter day looking for Mom's own dress is the same thing. OP will have to decide whose feelings she hurts.

She shouldn't have to hurt anyone's feelings. If everyone could act like an adult and OP and her Mom could have a conversation about her Mom's feelings. There are ways to accomodate everyone in the dress shopping without anyone's feelings being hurt.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

PDKH -- I thought OP said FMIL wanted to be there. Not quite the same. Yes, OP is close to FMIL, but it sounds more like OP is trying to accomodate FMIL.

Yes, OP is because OP wants her FMIL to be included in dress shopping because they are both very close.

As others have already stated, the solution is pretty simple- Bring your Mom with you to the initial dress shopping experience(s).

Then once you have found your dress, schedule another appointment at that salon and bring FMIL and whomever else, try on The One and a few others, and then make your deposit on The One.

snicks26 · June 2013

Thanks everyone, I think I may go in rounds like what PDKH was explaining, it sounds like the best way around the situation (if my mom is super adamant about his side not going the first round). I have been looking forward to dress shopping and I don't want hurt feelings to ruin it! I appreciate the help!

Kate61487 · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

I do not think Mother/Daughter day looking for Mom's own dress is the same thing. OP will have to decide whose feelings she hurts.

It's not the same, but it is a special mom/daughter moment. Mom will still be there for the bridal gown, she just wouldn't be the ONLY one; so if part of her reason for not wanting MIL there was to have some special mom/daughter time that could fix it. It all depends on mom's reasoning.

manateehugger · June 2013

Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

Don't forget to come back and show us pictures if you find a dress.

Mom vs MIL

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