Ok to call guests that didn't show up?

flojo973 · June 2013

We had three family friends that didn't show up to our wedding. We had spoken to them about a week before the wedding and they were saying how excited they were to come, etc. So the day of the wedding comes and goes and they are no shows - no call, no text, no card, nothing. Would it be okay to give them a call and ask if everything is okay? I know its kind of passive-aggressive but I would like to know why they didn't even have the courtesy to call and apologize for not coming. Should I just let it go?

misshart00 · June 2013

Just let it go. Almost everyone has at least a couple no shows.

lyndausvi · June 2013

I just let it go. All of mine were family so we would have heard if something serious had happened.

Simply Fated · June 2013

What do you hope to accomplish by being passive aggressive? Nothing good ever comes from passive aggressiveness.

I would understand if you were genuinely concerned, but you aren't, so please drop it before you start drama pleeease.

ETA I do understand you're annoyed and I don't blame you. I just don't think you should make a bad situation worse.

AddieCake · June 2013

We had several no-shows who RSVPd yes. Just let it go. You look petty. I made the mistake of drunk texting someone to ask why she didn't show, and it very nearly cost me the friendship.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Listen to @misshart00. It's super annoying, but be more reflective on how awesome your day was and forget about it.

flojo973 · June 2013

Thanks ladies! Sometimes you need to just hear the right thing from someone else!

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

flojo973 said:

We had three family friends that didn't show up to our wedding. We had spoken to them about a week before the wedding and they were saying how excited they were to come, etc. So the day of the wedding comes and goes and they are no shows - no call, no text, no card, nothing. Would it be okay to give them a call and ask if everything is okay? I know its kind of passive-aggressive but I would like to know why they didn't even have the courtesy to call and apologize for not coming. Should I just let it go?

It's entirely passive aggressive. Unless you have a shred of legitimate concern that they are dying or dead, there's no reason to make that call at all other than to be passive-aggressive.

QueerFemme · June 2013

I had 17 no-shows. I am still a little pissed 8 months later. But, I haven't said anything to any of them. You have to move on.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

OP, I get it. I would be totally pissed to waste the money on their dinner if they didn't have the courtesy to at least call after and apologize, but you need to let it go. It's not worth looking like a jerk over.

aurianna · June 2013

I know it's sooooo tempting to call. We had 5 no-shows aka $600 worth (*sigh* plus one wasn't even invited; we just let a truly single's uninvited write-in slide since we had room).
But we said nothing and were just friendly next time we saw them, didn't ask about the wedding, and all were apologetic and offered up an unprompted explanation all on their own (sick, sick, forgot, was robbed of everything he owned that morning).

Odds are a lot of no-shows will let you know on their own what happened. Others are probably embarrassed and would prefer to let it drop. And others who are just not so considerate probably wouldn't catch the passive aggressiveness anyway and be oblivious and you wouldn't get satisfaction anyway.

Best let it drop.

tammym1001 · June 2013

I wouldn't call them. If they were excited about the wedding then the next time you talk to them they will probably tell you anyways. I've only ever not shown up to one wedding that I said I would and it was because FI's mother ended up in the hospital and they told us she wasn't going to make it much longer so we needed to be with her. The next time we saw the couple we apologized and explained. We also still sent them a card and gift. If they had called while we were dealing with his Mom's passing it would not have ended up so nicely simply because of all the stress we were under dealing with that.

itzMS · June 2013

The only no-show person I did reach out to was a friend from several states away who we had helped with travel arrangements. Obviously it was a bit concerning that he no-showed, since he had never been to our state before.

Turns out, he had chosen to fly standby and didn't get on a flight. And just didn't bother to let us know that he missed his flight.

I didn't find this particular situation as passive-agressive. We were genuinely concerned.

kerbohl · June 2013

My sister had a few uncle and aunts not show up despite rsvp'ing yes. She did not follow-up, but they didn't have a good excuse. It didn't really make any difference - it was rude of them, but calling them up to "check up" on them wouldn't have made any difference in how she felt.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

I think we only had 3 people no shows, and I only count 1 of them as a true no show; one friend had thrown his back at the morning of, but I also think he was dodging his ex who would be there (pulled the same thing at another friend's wedding this past month), he called and told us; one friend his GF couldn't make it, she'd had shoulder surgery earlier in the week and wasn't sure if she could make it, so we kept her as a yes. In the end she wasn't up for it.

The one that completely no showed, nothing. No call, no email and we haven't heard from her since. We found out later through a mutual friend she slipped at work (she's a waitress) and broke her femur the day before the wedding. I'm still kind of hurt she hasn't reached out at all, but...whatchya gonna do.

Move on and get over it.

kiwikiss56 · June 2013

has anyone "no-showed" to a wedding before? if so, did you call/text the day before/of? 17 no-shows - holy moly!

would you all consider this passive aggressive (...well it is but do you think its rude) ? we are having a "semi-destination" wedding - 95% within driving distance (1- 6 hours) but almost all guests will have to stay over (except guests i know would absolutely no-show) in hotels. i know some people are rsvp yes happy so i was thinking of calling the hotels after rsvps were due to see who had booked rooms. most guests are not familiar with the area and if they booked somewhere else would reach out directly to us. would it be rude to reach out to uncle johnny who hasn't booked a room and ask if he needs any hotel suggestions as rooms are starting to book up (or something of the sort). or just suck it up as everyone has people who don't show up?

i honestly would be very offended by someone who did not let me know they were coming. if you are sick ok i get that - let me know. what other reasons are there?

professorscience · June 2013

kiwikiss56 said:

has anyone "no-showed" to a wedding before? if so, did you call/text the day before/of? 17 no-shows - holy moly!
would you all consider this passive aggressive (...well it is but do you think its rude) ? we are having a "semi-destination" wedding - 95% within driving distance (1- 6 hours) but almost all guests will have to stay over (except guests i know would absolutely no-show) in hotels. i know some people are rsvp yes happy so i was thinking of calling the hotels after rsvps were due to see who had booked rooms. most guests are not familiar with the area and if they booked somewhere else would reach out directly to us. would it be rude to reach out to uncle johnny who hasn't booked a room and ask if he needs any hotel suggestions as rooms are starting to book up (or something of the sort). or just suck it up as everyone has people who don't show up?
i honestly would be very offended by someone who did not let me know they were coming. if you are sick ok i get that - let me know. what other reasons are there?

Please do not treat your guests like children. As a ton of PPs have said, no-shows are a way of life. Yes, it is annoying to drop money for a plate that won't be used, but in the end it so does not matter. As for calling the hotel to "check up" on your guests, this is incredibly sneaky and just way too micromanage-y... And FWIW, we had plenty of OOT guests choose to book at other hotels (or stay with friends or family in town) for a variety of reasons. Surely you have better things to do than call every single guest who didn't book in your block of rooms to find out why they didn't.

kiwikiss56 · June 2013

yeah i figured as much

oh well! honestly i probably will not have the time or patience to deal with that when the time comes anyway. just trying to eliminate as many foreseeable issues as possible!

lyndausvi · June 2013

What bride wants to field no-show calls or any calls for that matter? Heck I turned my phone off after DH and I spoke in the morning.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

professorscience said:

kiwikiss56 said:

has anyone "no-showed" to a wedding before? if so, did you call/text the day before/of? 17 no-shows - holy moly!
would you all consider this passive aggressive (...well it is but do you think its rude) ? we are having a "semi-destination" wedding - 95% within driving distance (1- 6 hours) but almost all guests will have to stay over (except guests i know would absolutely no-show) in hotels. i know some people are rsvp yes happy so i was thinking of calling the hotels after rsvps were due to see who had booked rooms. most guests are not familiar with the area and if they booked somewhere else would reach out directly to us. would it be rude to reach out to uncle johnny who hasn't booked a room and ask if he needs any hotel suggestions as rooms are starting to book up (or something of the sort). or just suck it up as everyone has people who don't show up?
i honestly would be very offended by someone who did not let me know they were coming. if you are sick ok i get that - let me know. what other reasons are there?

Please do not treat your guests like children. As a ton of PPs have said, no-shows are a way of life. Yes, it is annoying to drop money for a plate that won't be used, but in the end it so does not matter. As for calling the hotel to "check up" on your guests, this is incredibly sneaky and just way too micromanage-y... And FWIW, we had plenty of OOT guests choose to book at other hotels (or stay with friends or family in town) for a variety of reasons. Surely you have better things to do than call every single guest who didn't book in your block of rooms to find out why they didn't.

This.

hockey20 · June 2013

I'm fully expecting no-shows at mine, simply because they're either people that haven't RSVPed and we strongly feel they'll be there (the groomsman's parents, for example), or who will be there if the situation allows (he's biking across the country, if he's back in time than he'll be there). I've also got room set for the JP and a guest, whether or not she is there is fine, I'm not about to call her and harass her about that when I have other, more important, things to go over with her.

If they don't show, no biggie, if they do show, great. We're only out about $17/plate, so I'm not going to freak out. If anything I'll express that I'm sad they couldn't make it, but we'll make sure pictures are made available for them if they want.

ETA: We have checked on hotel bookings, simply to pass on to guests who have not already booked a room, so they know how many rooms are left, so they can put off booking if they need to. We also want to make sure our way way OOT guests have a place and will likely pay for at least one night at the hotel for them.

lyndausvi · June 2013

PSA to lurkers out there.

It's actually rare NOT to have no-shows. Especially the larger your guest list is. Life gets in the ways sometimes. Most of the time it's a legit reason and there is no need to take it personal.

Walk-in knowing that will likely the be case doesn't sting as much.

SB1512 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Yeah, not only is it passive aggressive and rude, but most hotels won't give you that information anyway.

That's not true (about the hotels, not the passive aggressive part). A friend of mine got in touch with me last week asking if we had more than 1 hotel block, because when she called to reserve a room, was told there were no more in the block. I promptly got in touch with the sales manager about how many rooms had been booked, and she emailed me a list of people who had booked rooms under our room block. We started with 10 rooms, and only 4 had been booked, so my friend was obviously given the wrong information, which luckily we were able to correct and get her a room.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

Our hotel sends us weekly updates on the rooms, including who's booked, for what nights and what type of room. It was mostly useful to make sure FI's parents booked early (when we saw they hadn't) because almost 2 months before the wedding the hotel is nearly full. But I agree w/ PPs, I certainly wouldn't stalk people who haven't booked; they're all adults, and I'm sure some people have made other arrangements, as I've done in the past.

Jen4948 · June 2013

True story: My BF fielded a call for some friends on their wedding day from a then-mutual friend who was a no-show. It was annoying (to say the least) for everyone but the no-show. I've told my BF that if we ever get engaged, the no-show is not to be invited.

SB1512 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

SB1512 said:

StageManager14 said:

Yeah, not only is it passive aggressive and rude, but most hotels won't give you that information anyway.

That's not true (about the hotels, not the passive aggressive part). A friend of mine got in touch with me last week asking if we had more than 1 hotel block, because when she called to reserve a room, was told there were no more in the block. I promptly got in touch with the sales manager about how many rooms had been booked, and she emailed me a list of people who had booked rooms under our room block. We started with 10 rooms, and only 4 had been booked, so my friend was obviously given the wrong information, which luckily we were able to correct and get her a room.

This is a special circumstance because they are in your hotel block, and you have a right to see who booked rooms and make sure no strangers are taking up your space and using your discount. The hotel wouldn't give you information for guests outside the block.

Maybe I read the post wrong? I was under the impression stage was telling a poster that there is no way a hotel would give out information of who had booked a room in a block, but my experience is that my hotel is more than happy to tell me who has booked in our block. Going back to reread, it seems that the poster was not clear if she was going to be asking hotels she had set aside blocks in to let her know who had booked, or if she was just going to be calling all areas hotels, even ones in which she did not have blocks set up with for that information. If it's the second scenario, then by all means I would expect the hotel not to give out that info, and stages post now makes sense to me.

swimmy1988 · June 2013

My wedding is at a hotel, so they sent me a list of who made reservations for the event. They also asked me if I wanted to wait on releasing the remaining rooms in the block to the public. But I figured I gave my guests the "reserve by date" and they could figure it out for themselves as they are adults.

For the no-show part - just let it go. Like other PP's said, they could possibly bring it up themselves. But if not, then that's okay.

Ok to call guests that didn't show up?

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