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Wedding Party

Bridesmaid

Okay so I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid that hasn't bought here dress yet for my wedding which is 10 weeks away. I gave her a June 1st deadline to get the dress and she hasn't done it yet. I don't know if I should talk to her about why that was the deadline in more detail and emphasize how important it is to order the dress asap or just let it alone. If I was the only one impacted by her not purchasing the dress I wouldn't mind so much but the other people in the wedding party have a right to know in advance what they are doing that day. And that changes depending on her attendance.

I'm not asking for any special shoes, accessories, makeup, or hairstyle. Just that she buys a dress in the color that I have chosen and that it isn't floor length. I did go with a specific color from DB  so she will have to get a DB dress but I honestly wouldn't care if she got the dress from Goodwill or eBay if that is what she wants to do. When I asked her to be a bridesmaid I mentioned that a dress from DB can range from 80-150 dollars when buying directly from DB depending on the style. She said that was fine and she appreciated that she could get whatever style she liked.

I also understand that she has things going on with her own life and that is why I don't know if I should bring it up or not. In the beginning of my engagement she made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested in doing much other than showing up that day and helping with the ceremony so I haven't talked to her about the wedding except for telling her about her dress requirements. And before people start saying the problem is I don't ask her how she is doing and about her life I do in fact text and call and we only talk about her when she answers or replies that is.

She can do whatever she wants with her money, it is in fact her business, but it just hurts me that after saying it wasn't too much money for her to buy the dress she complains about being broke when we talk ( which isn't very often anymore) and then in the same breath tells me how much she spent on going out the weekend before. I'm a little upset that after being a bridesmaid for her at her destination weddings ( yes that was plural on purpose) when I was a student and living on noodles that she can't get the dress for my wedding. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to her as it is to me but when you say yes to being a bridesmaid that does mean you take on some responsibility.

Now that I have rambled on a bit some advice would be much appreciated.

Re: Bridesmaid

  • If she doesn't buy the dress, attend any rehearsals, and show up in it on the wedding day, you can safely assume that that's her passive-aggressive way of stepping down, because those are the only thing a bridesmaid "has to take responsibility" for. 

    Bridesmaids are not your unpaid slaves for the event.  You cannot expect them to throw showers or bachelorette parties for you, go to dress fittings, help with addressing invitations, prepare party refreshments, or otherwise set up or clean up.  Nor can you expect them to wear their hair or makeup any particular way unless you are paying for it, or make permanent changes to their appearances like haircuts or removing tattoos.

    And being a bridesmaid is not a reciprocal thing.  That you were her bridesmaid at a time when it was exceptionally expensive for you doesn't mean she has to feel the same about being your bridesmaid.

    So let it go.  Nursing a grudge will get you nowhere.
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Okay so I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid that hasn't bought here dress yet for my wedding which is 10 weeks away. I gave her a June 1st deadline to get the dress and she hasn't done it yet. I don't know if I should talk to her about why that was the deadline in more detail and emphasize how important it is to order the dress asap or just let it alone. If I was the only one impacted by her not purchasing the dress I wouldn't mind so much but the other people in the wedding party have a right to know in advance what they are doing that day. And that changes depending on her attendance.

    I'm not asking for any special shoes, accessories, makeup, or hairstyle. Just that she buys a dress in the color that I have chosen and that it isn't floor length. I did go with a specific color from DB  so she will have to get a DB dress but I honestly wouldn't care if she got the dress from Goodwill or eBay if that is what she wants to do. When I asked her to be a bridesmaid I mentioned that a dress from DB can range from 80-150 dollars when buying directly from DB depending on the style. She said that was fine and she appreciated that she could get whatever style she liked.

    I also understand that she has things going on with her own life and that is why I don't know if I should bring it up or not. In the beginning of my engagement she made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested in doing much other than showing up that day and helping with the ceremony so I haven't talked to her about the wedding except for telling her about her dress requirements. And before people start saying the problem is I don't ask her how she is doing and about her life I do in fact text and call and we only talk about her when she answers or replies that is.

    She can do whatever she wants with her money, it is in fact her business, but it just hurts me that after saying it wasn't too much money for her to buy the dress she complains about being broke when we talk ( which isn't very often anymore) and then in the same breath tells me how much she spent on going out the weekend before. I'm a little upset that after being a bridesmaid for her at her destination weddings ( yes that was plural on purpose) when I was a student and living on noodles that she can't get the dress for my wedding. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to her as it is to me but when you say yes to being a bridesmaid that does mean you take on some responsibility.

    Now that I have rambled on a bit some advice would be much appreciated.

    I want to know more about the bolded part. If she drops out from being a bridemaid...exactly how are other people impacted?

    FWIW, 10 weeks is more than enough time to get a dress. I was a bridesmaid once and got a dress about 2 days before the wedding by walking into a David's Bridal and buying a sample (the alterations were totally botched on my first dress).

  • Okay so I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid that hasn't bought here dress yet for my wedding which is 10 weeks away. I gave her a June 1st deadline to get the dress and she hasn't done it yet. I don't know if I should talk to her about why that was the deadline in more detail and emphasize how important it is to order the dress asap or just let it alone. If I was the only one impacted by her not purchasing the dress I wouldn't mind so much but the other people in the wedding party have a right to know in advance what they are doing that day. And that changes depending on her attendance.

    I'm not asking for any special shoes, accessories, makeup, or hairstyle. Just that she buys a dress in the color that I have chosen and that it isn't floor length. I did go with a specific color from DB  so she will have to get a DB dress but I honestly wouldn't care if she got the dress from Goodwill or eBay if that is what she wants to do. When I asked her to be a bridesmaid I mentioned that a dress from DB can range from 80-150 dollars when buying directly from DB depending on the style. She said that was fine and she appreciated that she could get whatever style she liked.

    I also understand that she has things going on with her own life and that is why I don't know if I should bring it up or not. In the beginning of my engagement she made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested in doing much other than showing up that day and helping with the ceremony so I haven't talked to her about the wedding except for telling her about her dress requirements. And before people start saying the problem is I don't ask her how she is doing and about her life I do in fact text and call and we only talk about her when she answers or replies that is.

    She can do whatever she wants with her money, it is in fact her business, but it just hurts me that after saying it wasn't too much money for her to buy the dress she complains about being broke when we talk ( which isn't very often anymore) and then in the same breath tells me how much she spent on going out the weekend before. I'm a little upset that after being a bridesmaid for her at her destination weddings ( yes that was plural on purpose) when I was a student and living on noodles that she can't get the dress for my wedding. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to her as it is to me but when you say yes to being a bridesmaid that does mean you take on some responsibility.

    Now that I have rambled on a bit some advice would be much appreciated.

    I would call DB and find out an absolute last date that she could order the dress.  Let her know that she has to order the dress by X day.  If she doesn't then she has taken herself out of the wedding.  If the June 1st date was the absolute last date then she has already taken herself out of your wedding by not doing the one thing required of a BM.

    As for the bolded.  How does her not ordering her dress effect everyone else?


  • If she's a pretty standard size and isn't picky about styles, she could even grab something off the rack withing the next 10 weeks.

    I'd also like to know how her absence from the WP would affect what other people do that day, other than maybe the order they walk in.
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  • It effects them day of in terms of wedding readings and who escorts the guests from one site to the other. Not tons of things. But I like to keep people informed. Also we are having some dogs involved that she volunteered to take care of.
    I'm not having a bridal shower or a bachelorette party also I haven't asked her to do anything wedding related before the day of. The only person I asked to go dress shopping/fitting with me is my mom. My fiance and I are setting up the site ourselves the day before so I'm not using her as a slave in anyway. Everything was asked in a only if you feel like it way.
    I got the deadline from db because she is tiny and will need to get the dress altered.
    I will admit that I'm hurt by her attitude through this whole thing. More than once she has out of the blue told me that weddings are stupid and how unlikely it is for marriages to make it long term (which is a whole other story that I'm trying to just get past). I wouldn't say I'm holding a grudge but yes I am bit upset.
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    It effects them day of in terms of wedding readings and who escorts the guests from one site to the other. Not tons of things. But I like to keep people informed. Also we are having some dogs involved that she volunteered to take care of. I'm not having a bridal shower or a bachelorette party also I haven't asked her to do anything wedding related before the day of. The only person I asked to go dress shopping/fitting with me is my mom. My fiance and I are setting up the site ourselves the day before so I'm not using her as a slave in anyway. Everything was asked in a only if you feel like it way. I got the deadline from db because she is tiny and will need to get the dress altered. I will admit that I'm hurt by her attitude through this whole thing. More than once she has out of the blue told me that weddings are stupid and how unlikely it is for marriages to make it long term (which is a whole other story that I'm trying to just get past). I wouldn't say I'm holding a grudge but yes I am bit upset.

    To the first bolded...you are having your bridal party usher guests to the reception site? (That's what it sounds like...)

    To the second bolded...why on earth are you having dogs involved? And no wonder why she doesn't seem thrilled. I love dogs, but I wouldn't want to babysit a bunch of dogs while I'm dressed up for a wedding.

  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers

    If this is a financial thing, DB has some awesome sales going on right now. One of my BM was eyeing a dress that was $120 and it just dropped to only $50!!! We're going this week to get it.  I got my wedding gown from DB in 6 days and most BMs of mine have gotten theirs in 2-3 weeks.  I'd ask what's going on to see if it is a financial thing or what the situation is...but if you sense resistance, I'd assume she's stepping down... 

    This must really suck that she isn't as dedicated to being a BM as you were to her (multiple times!)...I hope things improve. :(

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    mlg78 said:

    If this is a financial thing, DB has some awesome sales going on right now. One of my BM was eyeing a dress that was $120 and it just dropped to only $50!!! We're going this week to get it.  I got my wedding gown from DB in 6 days and most BMs of mine have gotten theirs in 2-3 weeks.  I'd ask what's going on to see if it is a financial thing or what the situation is...but if you sense resistance, I'd assume she's stepping down... 

    This must really suck that she isn't as dedicated to being a BM as you were to her (multiple times!)...I hope things improve. :(

    I hope this is sarcasm. How is not having a bridesmaid dress with over two months to go to the wedding relate to not being "dedicated"? The woman in question admitted upfront that she wasn't able to commit much energy to the OP's wedding.
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    itzMS said:
    mlg78 said:

    If this is a financial thing, DB has some awesome sales going on right now. One of my BM was eyeing a dress that was $120 and it just dropped to only $50!!! We're going this week to get it.  I got my wedding gown from DB in 6 days and most BMs of mine have gotten theirs in 2-3 weeks.  I'd ask what's going on to see if it is a financial thing or what the situation is...but if you sense resistance, I'd assume she's stepping down... 

    This must really suck that she isn't as dedicated to being a BM as you were to her (multiple times!)...I hope things improve. :(

    I hope this is sarcasm. How is not having a bridesmaid dress with over two months to go to the wedding relate to not being "dedicated"? The woman in question admitted upfront that she wasn't able to commit much energy to the OP's wedding.

    A BM is required to do two things: Buy a dress and show up at the wedding.  She was given a deadline to do the first and that came and went.  The OP wasn't asking for any "energy"...simply do the things that a BM is asked to do -- get a dress and show up wearing it.

     

    Also, I was showing empathy...it must suck to realize one person in a friendship has done more than the other half when it comes to anything in life (one friend contacts the other more often,.one initiates getting together more than the other, etc.).

  • mlg78 said:
    itzMS said:
    mlg78 said:

    If this is a financial thing, DB has some awesome sales going on right now. One of my BM was eyeing a dress that was $120 and it just dropped to only $50!!! We're going this week to get it.  I got my wedding gown from DB in 6 days and most BMs of mine have gotten theirs in 2-3 weeks.  I'd ask what's going on to see if it is a financial thing or what the situation is...but if you sense resistance, I'd assume she's stepping down... 

    This must really suck that she isn't as dedicated to being a BM as you were to her (multiple times!)...I hope things improve. :(

    I hope this is sarcasm. How is not having a bridesmaid dress with over two months to go to the wedding relate to not being "dedicated"? The woman in question admitted upfront that she wasn't able to commit much energy to the OP's wedding.

    A BM is required to do two things: Buy a dress and show up at the wedding.  She was given a deadline to do the first and that came and went.  The OP wasn't asking for any "energy"...simply do the things that a BM is asked to do -- get a dress and show up wearing it.

     

    Also, I was showing empathy...it must suck to realize one person in a friendship has done more than the other half when it comes to anything in life (one friend contacts the other more often,.one initiates getting together more than the other, etc.).

    She still has time; we won't know if she doesn't get the dress until the actual wedding rolls around.  There are plenty of ways to get a DB dress in less than 10 weeks. Therefore she hasn't failed to fulfill anything yet.



  • All my BM dresses came from DB. MOST came in 2-3 weeks. The last one took 6 weeks though. Still enough time, but starting to cut it tight.

    As some PP said, don't stress. Either she gets the dress and is in the wedding or she doens't and now she's a guest.

    Big picture though (so not just wedding) she doesn't sound a like a supportive friend. It gets frusterating trying to hold on to a friendship when you are the one that needs to constantly initiate contact and gives support. Only you can decide if all that work is worth it, for the little you get in return (again I am not refering to just the wedding).

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  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    You could give me any color at DB and I could buy something in that color and my size off the rack any day of the week. It might not be the most flattering but it could be done, even up to the day before the wedding. I had my dress for my bothers wedding altered the day before. It was a DB dress and took a whole 12 days to come in. (ordered 4 months prior)
  • She is just giving you one more thing to stress about and that is not fair. I think it would be ok to ask her if she has gotten her dress yet. You could bring it up by saying you would love to see the style of dress she got. She should know that you are also spending money on the wedding. You were thoughtful enough to give her the option to decline being in you wedding if she couldn't afford the dress. Se owed not sound like the most loyal friend.
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