Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting a plus 1 without US inviting a plus 1

We have invited a family friend. He is invited solo, but had put on his RSVP 2 people attending and no name. Should we call him? What should we say?

Re: Inviting a plus 1 without US inviting a plus 1

  • If he is truly single you can call and say "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, but the invitation was just for you".

    However, if he is dating someone then he should have been granted a plus one originally and you need to find room.  Also, my wedding will require most folks to travel, and I don't expect anyone to spend a weekend alone, so if he is traveling from out of town (long enough to not just drive in before the ceremony and leave after the reception) I'd let it go then as well.
  • Call him up and find out if it is a SO and if so apologize for not inviting them. If it is a random date/friend, just say that you are sorry and you cannot accommodate any extras. You could phrase it as, "Hello John, we got your RSVP in the mail and are excited that you will be able to come. I saw that you listed 2 people but we weren't aware you are in a relationship." If he says that he is, apologize and get their name. If he says that he isn't and was planning on bringing some random date/friend, that is when you say, "We are sorry for the miscommunication and the invite was just for you. We are unable to accommodate any extra people and hope that you are still able to come."

    I will say if he won't know anyone or is traveling from OOT, maybe let him bring someone to make the trip easier.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • "Hi, John, we just got your RSVP in the mail; we're so excited you're going to be joining us!  I apologize for the oversight; I didn't realize you were dating someone, what's her name?"

    If he says "oh yes my girlfriend Jane is looking forward to meeting everyone" you respond "lovely; can't wait to meet her"

    If he says "oh I'm not seeing anyone but I'm bringing my friend Joe" you say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but we actually can't accommodate extra guests.  We hope you'll still be able to make it"

    annathy03[Deleted User][Deleted User]Miss Esa
  • Kate's wording is perfect, I'd recommend that as a script.

    Again though if he has to travel from OOT I'd recommend just letting it go regardless.
  • We have invited a family friend. He is invited solo, but had put on his RSVP 2 people attending and no name. Should we call him? What should we say?

    Is he single, like not dating anybody?
  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I've had this come up with past events, and do expect it to come up with my own invites as well. 

    Some suggestions, given that this would be a family friend you are comfortable and familiar with.

    Dial number... ring...

    Family Friend:  Hi, Poodle, great to hear from you!

    Poodle:  Hi, Friend!  Hey, thanks for getting your RSVP back to us so soon.  We are so glad you're able to make it to our wedding!  I can't wait to see you there, it's going to be a great time.

    FF:  Yeah, I can't wait!

    P:  I just had to add though, we aren't able to add any extra guests to our lists, and so we can't extend 'plus 1s', unfortunately.  We really want all of our family and friends to be able to attend, so we're keeping our guest list pretty tight.  I noticed you had initially planned on bringing someone, so I apologize we can't have extra guests.  We definitely want you to be there, so I hope that doesn't mess up your plans or anything.

    Best/worst case response:

    FF :)  Oh, I gotchya.  That's no problem, my bad, I just assumed.  That's okay, no worries.  Hey, congratulations by the way!  You'll be a beautiful bride. 

    FF >:(  Oh no, are you serious?  Wow, I've never been to a wedding that didn't have plus 1s... My girlfriend is going to be furious that you'd dare ask me to come to your private family event without her.  I am also furious. 

    In which case... Poodle:  I know, and I'm so sorry that it makes things a little inconvenient.  I apologize if the invitation left that room for confusion, but I hope you're able to make it.  The family would love to see you there, as would we, but I understand if you're not able to make it. 


    Silence and simple apology works wonders with frustrating solutions.  It's tough sometimes, because you have not a single thing to apologize for, really.  Don't forget you're not apologizing because you're sorry, you're apologizing out of courtesy and politeness.  If you have a rant-er, you can 'tsk tsk' and apologize your way through an entire diatribe if you want and pour yourself a glass of wine while you hold the phone away from your ear.  Saying less is definitely the way to go.  'so sorry, but we aren't having plus-1s or any extra guests' does the job, and you can word it to your personality.  It might help to write yourself a quick script you feel comfortable with saying just in case you get nervous.  But don't worry, it is perfectly polite to notify someone that they've accidentally invited people to your event.   
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    NYUgirl100
  • Coeur said:
    I've had this come up with past events, and do expect it to come up with my own invites as well. 

    Some suggestions, given that this would be a family friend you are comfortable and familiar with.

    Dial number... ring...

    Family Friend:  Hi, Poodle, great to hear from you!

    Poodle:  Hi, Friend!  Hey, thanks for getting your RSVP back to us so soon.  We are so glad you're able to make it to our wedding!  I can't wait to see you there, it's going to be a great time.

    FF:  Yeah, I can't wait!

    P:  I just had to add though, we aren't able to add any extra guests to our lists, and so we can't extend 'plus 1s', unfortunately.  We really want all of our family and friends to be able to attend, so we're keeping our guest list pretty tight.  I noticed you had initially planned on bringing someone, so I apologize we can't have extra guests.  We definitely want you to be there, so I hope that doesn't mess up your plans or anything.

    Best/worst case response:

    FF :)  Oh, I gotchya.  That's no problem, my bad, I just assumed.  That's okay, no worries.  Hey, congratulations by the way!  You'll be a beautiful bride. 

    FF >:(  Oh no, are you serious?  Wow, I've never been to a wedding that didn't have plus 1s... My girlfriend is going to be furious that you'd dare ask me to come to your private family event without her.  I am also furious. 

    In which case... Poodle:  I know, and I'm so sorry that it makes things a little inconvenient.  I apologize if the invitation left that room for confusion, but I hope you're able to make it.  The family would love to see you there, as would we, but I understand if you're not able to make it. 

    The bold is incorrect. If you find out he has a girlfriend the correct response is:
    Poodle: Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you had a girlfriend. Of course she's invited. What's her name?
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    Man... I'm a bad double poster on this computer. My Mouse is possessed.
  • Coeur said:
    FF >:(  Oh no, are you serious?  Wow, I've never been to a wedding that didn't have plus 1s... My girlfriend is going to be furious that you'd dare ask me to come to your private family event without her.  I am also furious.  
    But a girlfriend SHOULD have been invited and a host should do everything in their power to correct that mistake and welcome the GF with open arms. 
  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I guess I should add that I'm on the outside of the commonly accepted rule of inviting all SOs.  Of course it's perfectly well-mannered to invite all SOs and appropriately delegate the plus-1s.  You shouldn't invite people with the expectation they would come alone. 

    However, some events are close knit by design or accommodate a such large guest lists that you've got to reel it in.  I think it would be acceptable to invite a family, but not all of their relations, for instance.  Or you might invite your Aunt and Uncle and their children, but not their children's SOs.  I'm of the opinion that should not be offensive.  Just simply, I don't think the line with SOs is cut and dry.  I do think it's a case by case basis.  If you know they're seeing someone, it is awfully weird to exclude them, of course.  You don't exclude SOs you know about, but that's not what the question inferred.  If you already planned your guest list and sent the invites without knowing, I don't think it's bad manners to stick to the invites you meant to send.  It seems I'm in the minority though!  (Good thing I haven't sent out my invites yet...)
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    Coeur said:
    I guess I should add that I'm on the outside of the commonly accepted rule of inviting all SOs.  Of course it's perfectly well-mannered to invite all SOs and appropriately delegate the plus-1s.  You shouldn't invite people with the expectation they would come alone. 

    However, some events are close knit by design or accommodate a such large guest lists that you've got to reel it in.  I think it would be acceptable to invite a family, but not all of their relations, for instance.  Or you might invite your Aunt and Uncle and their children, but not their children's SOs.  I'm of the opinion that should not be offensive.  Just simply, I don't think the line with SOs is cut and dry.  I do think it's a case by case basis.  If you know they're seeing someone, it is awfully weird to exclude them, of course.  You don't exclude SOs you know about, but that's not what the question inferred.  If you already planned your guest list and sent the invites without knowing, I don't think it's bad manners to stick to the invites you meant to send.  It seems I'm in the minority though!  (Good thing I haven't sent out my invites yet...)
    This is why before you send out invites you try to find out if they are seeing anyone. I made an effort to do this and we only ended up leaving off one SO because I made the mistake of asking a brother if either him or his other brother was seeing anyone and he said no when in fact his brother was. We found out when they wrote her in on the invite. I contacted the guy and asked who his write-in was. He said it was his girlfriend. I said, "Oh! I didn't know you had a girlfriend. So glad you're all coming. Can't wait to see you." Done.

    You don't punish your guestlist because you didn't do your due diligence.

    And I don't think "tight-knit affair" really matter. You're pretty much saying to your guests "I want the most important people in my life to celebrate my marriage... but I don't care about the most important people in your life." It's just bad juju.

    ETA:
    It's just really sad to have an event that celebrates the love of two people... and make people leave the people they love at home, only so they can eat and dance by themselves. Making coupled people attend a wedding reception solo is not very welcoming for an event that is supposed to be a thank you for your guests attending your wedding.
    OliveOilsMomgoodplan86
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    I have no idea what I am doing to double every single post.
  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @aurianna That's smart.  I suppose it keeps it clear who you'd need to address if you call around before sending things out, just to be sure.  I guess when it comes to SOs it gets a little more specific then, and that's something to consider.  In the case of someone just adding their own plus-guests that aren't expected, though, I can see how that'd have to be discouraged.  I don't think it's 'not caring' about the important people in others' lives, but you've gotta draw the line somewhere. 

    I agree that people shouldn't be expected to come alone, of course.  But I think of the reception as a celebration of our wedding, not a 'thank you' to our guests.  You should be able to have the people most important to your own lives properly catered to and fully celebrated.  I think in order to do that best, keeping the invites limited with generous discretion is not a bad way to go. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
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    Coeur said:
    @aurianna That's smart.  I suppose it keeps it clear who you'd need to address if you call around before sending things out, just to be sure.  I guess when it comes to SOs it gets a little more specific then, and that's something to consider.  In the case of someone just adding their own plus-guests that aren't expected, though, I can see how that'd have to be discouraged.  I don't think it's 'not caring' about the important people in others' lives, but you've gotta draw the line somewhere. 

    I agree that people shouldn't be expected to come alone, of course.  But I think of the reception as a celebration of our wedding, not a 'thank you' to our guests.  You should be able to have the people most important to your own lives properly catered to and fully celebrated.  I think in order to do that best, keeping the invites limited with generous discretion is not a bad way to go. 
    To the bolded, this statement is incorrect.  The reception is when you and your new H recieve your guests for the first time as H&W.  So you should be properly hosting everyone.  Which means you need to invite all guests and their SOs.  Guestlists are hard, there is no doubt about it.  Hard cuts needs to be made, but the cuts should NEVER be SOs unless that person is a known theif, tried to sleep with the B or G, or has physically assaulted another person who is going to be in attendance.
    goodplan86
  • Coeur said:
    @aurianna That's smart.  I suppose it keeps it clear who you'd need to address if you call around before sending things out, just to be sure.  I guess when it comes to SOs it gets a little more specific then, and that's something to consider.  In the case of someone just adding their own plus-guests that aren't expected, though, I can see how that'd have to be discouraged.  I don't think it's 'not caring' about the important people in others' lives, but you've gotta draw the line somewhere. 

    I agree that people shouldn't be expected to come alone, of course.  But I think of the reception as a celebration of our wedding, not a 'thank you' to our guests.  You should be able to have the people most important to your own lives properly catered to and fully celebrated.  I think in order to do that best, keeping the invites limited with generous discretion is not a bad way to go. 

    I have to disagree.  If you just want a celebration of your wedding, go to dinner together.  Once you start inviting guests to join you, you need to consider what will make them most comfortable.  I totally agree that they shoudl be properly catered to, and that includes not asking them to come without their SO.  I guess for me, if it's characterized as a celebration of the wedding, it's a celebration of love.  I dont' think it's wise to celebrate love by asking one of your cherished guests to leave the one they love at home.
  • Coeur said:
    @aurianna That's smart.  I suppose it keeps it clear who you'd need to address if you call around before sending things out, just to be sure.  I guess when it comes to SOs it gets a little more specific then, and that's something to consider.  In the case of someone just adding their own plus-guests that aren't expected, though, I can see how that'd have to be discouraged.  I don't think it's 'not caring' about the important people in others' lives, but you've gotta draw the line somewhere. 

    I agree that people shouldn't be expected to come alone, of course.  But I think of the reception as a celebration of our wedding, not a 'thank you' to our guests.  You should be able to have the people most important to your own lives properly catered to and fully celebrated.  I think in order to do that best, keeping the invites limited with generous discretion is not a bad way to go. 
    Point of clarification:
    The ceremony is where you celebrate with your nearest and dearest that you're married.
    The reception is indeed your thank you to them for coming to your wedding. If you keep that in mind the entire time you plan your reception (ie "would displaying alcohol that my guests have to pay for be a good way to thank my guests?" "Would not having chairs during cocktail hour so all the guests would have to stand for a long time be a good way to thank my guests?" "Would having an awesome DJ and dance floor, but not inviting my guests with their SOs to utilize these features be a good way to thank my guests?"),  you will end up having a reception that more people will think of fondly, because it will be clear that the decisions you made were for their comfort.

    If money goes towards awesome flowers and lights and linens and your dress etc etc... some guests might notice and remember... but if you use the budget you have to be the best hostess possible, all of your guests will remember your wedding fondly vs negatively.


    You're totally right though. Random write-in that isn't a SO... totally no need to let them come.
    Coeurgoodplan86
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    I could not be clicking my mouse button any lighter. Seriously.
    [Deleted User]harper0813FizzySips
  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    aurianna said:
    Point of clarification:
    The ceremony is where you celebrate with your nearest and dearest that you're married.
    The reception is indeed your thank you to them for coming to your wedding. If you keep that in mind the entire time you plan your reception (ie "would displaying alcohol that my guests have to pay for be a good way to thank my guests?" "Would not having chairs during cocktail hour so all the guests would have to stand for a long time be a good way to thank my guests?" "Would having an awesome DJ and dance floor, but not inviting my guests with their SOs to utilize these features be a good way to thank my guests?"),  you will end up having a reception that more people will think of fondly, because it will be clear that the decisions you made were for their comfort.
    @aurianna  I like that idea; that does lend the right perspective to planning the event.  And when you mention dancing - ha, that's a very good point.  A group of relatives without any of their own added guests would make for a pretty bummer dance floor.  Catering to guests is fun; it just gets tricky to make sure you can host everyone comfortably if they're doubling the numbers of what you had in mind.  I'll have to think about that some more. 

    To the bolded, this statement is incorrect.  The reception is when you and your new H recieve your guests for the first time as H&W.  So you should be properly hosting everyone.  Which means you need to invite all guests and their SOs.
    @OliveOilsMom I didn't realize this, actually.  I was under the impression that the reception was a celebration, which @aurianna also points out isn't correct - that the ceremony is the celebration, I suppose.  This being the case, I can see how a certain level of allowing your guests to create their own environment/guest lists would be gracious.
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  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013

    NYUgirl100 said:

    According to Emily Post, Miss Manners, etc, the only "MUST" invites are for spouses, fiancees (and some would say live-in or long term partners).  Every GF or BF does not have to be invited.  People may take offense at a lot of things (no kids, no alchohol, for example), it does not mean host of event was in the wrong. 


    Word.

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  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't care if you think it SHOULD be offensive or not, @Coeur.  The reality is that it IS offensive to many many people.  And giving advice like that can cause an unsuspecting poster to end or serverly damage a close personal relationship (or start a huge family feud) without them meaning to.  
    @StageManager14 You make a point that's important to mention; there is a notable and crucial difference between what *I think* and what some others might think appropriate or not.  That's why I make certain to preface any etiquette advice I would give with those sort of qualifiers, so it is clear that some things are merely opinion and advice as opposed to rules or expected norms. 
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    Yay. Another DP. But I guess that's appropriate. I do have doubles on the brain as my twin nephews AJ and Xander were born on Wednesday!! (might as well put something in my DP spot).
    Coeurharper0813sxyktn812daveANDkristen
  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    @aurianna I agree that any mandated 'rules' for invited or not inviting SOs should be taken with a grain of salt, and interpreted by modern courtesies.  And of course, your guest list is not determined by the event.  I just liked the bolded idea that people often have a widely varying range of what will or won't offend them. 

    Ideally, all guests in a relationship are invited together and all single are given a plus one.  That's simple.  I believe the question in the original post raises the more confusing aspect of a surprise addition on the RSVP, in which case there are more individual factors to consider.
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  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @aurianna Congratulations on your new nephews!
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited June 2013

    @aurianna - I've been following this thread and have decided that your posts keep doubling because your advice is just that good it's worth repeating.

    Edited for spelling and missing words apparently.

     

    goodplan86
  • Wow! I think I'll just call him and ask who the SO is so we can write her name on the place card. Too much opportunity otherwise to cause hurt feelings.
    [Deleted User]
  • i feel like guest lists are the most frustrating thing ever :/  i know of very very very many weddings where SO were not invited.  IMO i feel like it is rude if you KNOW the person is in a relationship and they are not invited.  however - if i can't invite one of my friends who i talk to on a regular basis because i have to invite my second cousin' i haven't seen in 5 years or because johnny just started dating a new girl a few weeks ago i can see how frustrating it is.  i feel like either i or my fiance should have a relationship with those invited so share our special day with us.  
    i'm not getting married until next sept so we haven't finalized our guest list yet but we have a space issue more than a budget issue - we'll make it work.  we're not picking another place nor are we having a venue that can accommodate 300 people.  it is what it is and we'll work with the list.    
    examples of things i think are rude:
    a bride who had a "no ring no bring" rule - where a friend of mine had been dating her bf longer than the bride had been dating the groom and was the only one out of the group of friends not invited without SO.  rude.
    my cousin was getting married and my mom was talking to my aunt about hotel rooms and my aunt was like "oh no...no bf/gfs are invited - they are paying for the wedding themselves and its like 200/plate." ok i get that, however my bf and i had been dating for over a year and were living together.  and plenty of their friends were there with SO (i checked fingers).  my aunt apparently talked to my cousin about it (he prob had no idea i was in a relationship we aren't close) however when the invitation came....no plus 1.  luckily my fiance had a wedding that same weekend i also wasn't invited to - in the end it worked out but it still is very annoying.  
    my old roommate and i being invited on the same invitation...she had been on and of with her boyfriend for about 3 years at this point.  the bride also hated me - her and her husband (our friend) got a nice check and card from the 2 of us lol.
    IMO there is a huge difference between not inviting someone who has been dating someone for a few weeks / months and over a year.  maybe this isn't proper etiquette but that's what i've seen.
  • Here's the update....He is NOT in a relationship any longer. My FI's Mom said that he's kinda strange and will probably just bring his daughter or someone random. It is a good friend of my FI's parents and they feel comfortable just talking to him and letting him know we are limited on space. They don't think he'll be offended.

  • MoxieMickieMoxieMickie member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
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