Guest asked if she was b-listed...

1FairMaiden · June 2013

I have a friend from college who I hardly see or talk to anymore, though we were close in, like... 2008. Our venue has a 100 guest minimum, and right now,we have about 85 guests, so I figured I would go ahead and invite her. She RSVP 'd yes, and then called me and asked if we could get together. I said sure. We went out for lunch today, and she asked me, point blank, (and bear in mind that this is the first time ive seen her in a year,and the last time i saw her before that,it had been several years...) if I had "b-listed" her, and said that she was really insulted, because she thought we were better friends than that. (Umm... Based on what?) She got her invite 6 weeks before the wedding. She lives 5 miles from the venue. I figured that was adequate notice for someone who's that close (we sent out save the dates and the invites a bit earlier to out of town guests) I was just floored that she seriously got together with me, after already RSVP'ing and the fact that we're obviously not that close anymore, that she was offended and felt the need to confront me about it. If I suspected that I had been "b-listed" and was offended, I just wouldn't go to the wedding. I wouldn't RSVP yes, and then have the bride explain herself to me. It was just so weird.... And I'm not sure what the appropriate action was, or what I should do now. I'm afraid that having her there is just going to be awkward. Thoughts?

pam8787 · June 2013

That was really bold of her. But at this point you invited her so let her come. It shouldn't be awkward. Just don't pay that much attention, you'll have enough people to pay attention to.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

What did you say when she asked? Is it possible she found out other people received theirs earlier?

drg424 · June 2013

I agree - this is an awkward situation, one that she really didn't need to put you in. Let her come, and if she pouts or acts weird, so be it. This is your wedding day, you did nothing wrong (didn't even B-list her), and you should be enjoying your day celebrating with loved ones. I'm guessing you won't even need to not-focus on her at the wedding - you'll be so busy it will just be a non-issue.

Blah - this is weird and crappy. I hate confrontation like that.

avolker1 · June 2013

I'm not asking this to be mean, but did you invite her because you wanted to reach your 100 person minimum?

eas1223 · June 2013

How did you answer her?

jenn5628 · June 2013

avolker1 said:

I'm not asking this to be mean, but did you invite her because you wanted to reach your 100 person minimum?

This. It sounded to me like OP did B list the guest, which she really shouldn't have done.

1FairMaiden · June 2013

Well... since she is someone who I'm not as close to, she was someone who I did struggle with the decision of whether or not to invite them. Since she lives so close, and I know it's standard to send out invites about 6-8 weeks in advance, I figured we could put that decision off.

The decision to invite her, to be honest, wasn't because we were trying to hit the 100-person mark... it was because I just started to feel funny about the fact that back in 2008, I was her bridesmaid, and now I hadn't even invited her to my wedding. FI and I, were only engaged for about 3 months when my Mom started sending out invites, and we hadn't actually finished compiling the guest list. As the months of our engagement passed, we just kept finding that there were more people who we wished we had invited. Our venue is one that my Step Dad manages so while they are asking that we maintain their 100 person minimum, they're also not charging us very much per person, so every time that I've (meekly) asked my Mom "Ooh! Can we also invite this person, pleeeease?!" she's always just said "Sure!" and sent them an invite.

So there wasn't exactly a B list. It was just that she was one of the last few people to get an invite. FI and I just kept finding that there were people who we felt funny about not inviting. We had the resources to invite them. So we did.

I know that sounds goofy, but hey, man, this is the first time we've done this! I'll know better for my daughter's wedding

When she asked me if she had been B-listed, it sort of came with a series of other "issues" that she had with me, basically saying that she thought that we were still close, even though we never talk, because we're friends and that's what friendship is. This is kind of a long story, and I don't want to waste your time with the details, but basically, we have a mutual "friend" who she was very close to, who I never ever was really close to. I dated her brother before I met FI. I thought that if I didn't invite her, then it would look bad, like I was cutting her off because of my past with her brother.

So I asked for her address, and then said something like "BTW, I don't know if I'm inviting "Sara" so don't tell her about this yet. Thanks." then she chews me out, tells me I'm a bad person, says I have an obligation to invite "Sara" because she and I have been friends for so long. I explained to her that actually, Sara and I hadn't been close in quite a while, and I knew that since she and I weren't particularly close either,she wouldn't know that, but that was how things were at present. I also told her that what she said really hurt me because it was so judgmental. She basically said she didn't care, that I was being awful, and that I should understand the fact that Sara should be let off the hook for not talking to me for years because now she was married with a kid.

Since she and I had never been close (she was a long time acquaintance who I had a few friends in common with, but she wasn't close to me) I just decided that she wasn't worth it. If she was going to judge me like that, based on baseless assumptions about my relationships with people who she barely ever speaks to, then I didn't need her in my life.

then, when I decided to invite "Sara," Sara called this gal and said "Hey! FairMaiden invited me to her wedding!" So this gal says "Well, that's interesting Sara, because FairMaiden said that you and she weren't close anymore so you weren't going to be invited."

So I was so busy dealing with the fact that these two women who I barely speak to are vehemently talking about me behind my back, that the whole thing about being b-listed sort of seemed secondary to me. I mostly reacted to defending myself about what this acquaintance said than anything else.

Sorry that was so long. Just needed to vent. Grrrr!

avolker1 · June 2013

I'd be annoyed that my mom started sending invitations three months into my engagement. I don't understand that at all. That seems to have set off a domino effect with your invitations going out in phases and made it seem like you had a b-list when to me it sounds like some invitations just went out too early.

As for your two friends, I wouldn't have invited either of them if they're talking behind your back and being judgmental and to top it off you said you don't consider yourself close to them any way.

Just don't let them get to you.

drg424 · June 2013

I agree with avolker1. I would add there is a time and a place for this kind of stuff, and it's not during the final stages of your wedding planning. "Friends" know to give you a break during a time that is often crazy and by no fault of your own more self-focused than normal.

My friends have definitely taken a back seat lately due to the planning obligations on the weekend and having recently moved in with FI (and out of my single girl downtown condo). They understand that I'd rather be hanging with them than hitting Michael's for the third time in a week.

The point is, she could have just accepted or declined and had her heart-to-heart with you after the wedding, when it was more appropriate.

What is she going to do now, anyways, sit at your wedding and pout? Fun...

jenn5628 · June 2013

drg424 said:

I agree with avolker1. I would add there is a time and a place for this kind of stuff, and it's not during the final stages of your wedding planning. "Friends" know to give you a break during a time that is often crazy and by no fault of your own more self-focused than normal.

My friends have definitely taken a back seat lately due to the planning obligations on the weekend and having recently moved in with FI (and out of my single girl downtown condo). They understand that I'd rather be hanging with them than hitting Michael's for the third time in a week.

The point is, she could have just accepted or declined and had her heart-to-heart with you after the wedding, when it was more appropriate.

What is she going to do now, anyways, sit at your wedding and pout? Fun...

I don't agree with this at all. I don't think planning a wedding is an excuse to treat your friends badly. I understand that life happens but honestly OP, telling one gf 'don't tell the other one because we're not close and I don't think I'm inviting her'. IMHO, you started the gossip, and I think your friend had a right to be upset.

In hindsight, you should have told your mom 'I appreciate your enthusiasm for our wedding, but FI and I want to make sure we have everyone we care about on our list, and that we can host them properly before we start sending invitations out.' Of course, what's done is done, lesson (hopefully) learned. If either of these women decide to show up to your wedding, I would very graciously thank them for coming and apologize for the mix up with invitations.

You may not have intended to B-list, but the fact of the matter is, this guest was second-tier, and you let her know that by sending the invitation way later than the rest.

pam8787 · June 2013

Point for me would be why would it matter if you are b-listed. Some people didnt make the "list" at all, so what. Everyone in the world can not come. And yes your mother was a bit too excited and sent the invites early but I thought it was okay to invite people after the 1st batch of invites went out. We sent our invites out in waves. Idk. I understand what the OP is saying and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this so close to the wedding. I think that the girl you invited was being petty. And my friends have understood that I'm so busy with the wedding that hanging out has not happened as often.

1FairMaiden · June 2013

jenn5628 said:I understand that life happens but honestly OP, telling one gf 'don't tell the other one because we're not close and I don't think I'm inviting her'. IMHO, you started the gossip, and I think your friend had a right to be upset.

In hindsight, you should have told your mom 'I appreciate your enthusiasm for our wedding, but FI and I want to make sure we have everyone we care about on our list, and that we can host them properly before we start sending invitations out.' Of course, what's done is done, lesson (hopefully) learned. If either of these women decide to show up to your wedding, I would very graciously thank them for coming and apologize for the mix up with invitations.

You may not have intended to B-list, but the fact of the matter is, this guest was second-tier, and you let her know that by sending the invitation way later than the rest.

I thought that this was along this same lines as not discussing a party in a group of people when some of them are invited and others aren't. That has happened to me before with silly after-work get togethers and stuff, and it's always made me feel excluded. I didn't want that to happen to "Sara" regarding my wedding.

I've also been in the same situation, where a friend of mine was throwing a party, and hadn't invited a mutual friend to it, and asked me not to mention the party in front of them. I think it's just social grace not to discuss events in front of people who aren't invited.

The reason my Mom sent out some invitations so early was because they were for out of town guests who are not necessarily well-off, who would need lots of advance notice about a wedding that would require them to travel. FI and I also only got engaged in January, which means we will have had a 6-month engagement. So for her to send OOT people invites 3 months in advance seemed fine to me. This also means that, had our mutual "friend" not said anything, she never would have known.

One of these women is no longer invited to the wedding. I asked her for her address, she told me I was an awful person for not inviting Sara (and seriously, WTF? No one except you, your FI, and anyone contributing funds to your wedding has the right to tell you who to invite to your wedding... let alone someone you haven't spoken to in years...who you were never even close to when you did have more frequent communication with them... ten freaking years ago!!!) I decided that someone that rude/mean/obnoxious/boisterous didn't deserve an act of friendship, and someone that judgemental didn't deserve my trust. So I never sent her an invite, and I haven't spoken to her since she chewed me out for not inviting Sara. I know that's rude, but seriously, no. You don't get to treat people that way and then expect them to be kind and gracious back to the tune of $160 for your family to attend their wedding. Forget it.

I'm not going to apologize for anything. Anything I had to say or apologize to Sara for has already been said when she publicly accosted me. If she was offended, she could have sent a Negative response. She didn't. She chose to say she would be there. She chose to be the crap friend that she has been for the last decade. I chose to invite her anyway. She doesn't get to be mad. Neither do I. We both made our choices.

Guest asked if she was b-listed...

Re: Guest asked if she was b-listed...

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