Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Feeling alone in this process

Hi- just wondering if any other ladies out there are feeling alone in their engagment? I lost my mother about a year ago, no sisters and my fiance's mother and I don't speak a common language. No one on either side of the family has offered to throw any type of engagement party or help with anything wedding-related, and my MOH informed me she can't partake in throwing a couple's shower for financial reasons. I see all of my friends enjoying this part of their life with family and friends and feel a little left out. I know maybe it's selfish because it is our wedding and no one will be as excited as us. But I can't help but feel a little sad. Is this at all normal and what can I do to snap out of it?

Re: Feeling alone in this process

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2013
    Hi there! My mother passed away about 6 years ago, and I don't have any sisters. My husband's mother lives in another state. I do have an aunt that I am close to, so I did have her to sort of fill in as my "mom" for wedding talk, I guess. I included my bridesmaids in some of the planning as well. But overall, my husband and I (mostly I) planned this wedding ourselves, with very little input from anyone. Frankly, I loved that. 

    As far as parties, we didn't have an engagement party or a shower. In fact, I declined the shower that was offered to me. Those parties do not "make" your engagement and wedding planning process. You don't need them to enjoy the experience. 

    It would be easy for me to sit here and tell you to just snap out of it,but not so easy for you to just do it. I understand that. You just have to start focusing on the stuff that you WILL experience with planning and start enjoying those parts. Don't let the missing elements cast a shadow on the things you do get to look forward to! Relax and try to have fun!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Hmmm....first, I do agree with Addie.

    But, if you really want to have a shower of some kind, and your situation is atypical (which it is) why not do an atypical shower.  Maybe you and your fiance can hold a pre-wedding shower bbq or pot luck, invite neighbors and coworkers - people you would also invite to the wedding, as well as of course, your family and older friends.  At the least, you can maybe assume neighbors and coworkers live near you so they'd be able to come.  Make it clear you are not asking for gifts, but would love their help when they are at the shower, then devise some tasks you would normally do with a wedding party or family and have these folks help.  Ideas could be -making paper flower garlands for the reception decor, addressing envelopes, stuffing envelopes, folding programs, affixing ribbons and faux florals to lanterns or programs or  menus, folding menus to fit into napkins, stamping and embossing napkins for cocktail hour, making favors...maybe you supervise one table of favor-makers while your fiance works with another group on invitation stuffing?

    Play wedding music ideas and ask them to suggest other songs, and see how they like the songs you did select?

    Play a few games, nothing too sexual in terms of coworkers (could come back to haunt you)

    I hope this helps?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_feeling-alone-in-this-process?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:dfd5e850-08bf-4610-b9e1-4566f4b0b550Post:d13b401d-59e4-4a81-971d-0137f9f5c4b5">Re: Feeling alone in this process</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm....first, I do agree with Addie. But, if you really want to have a shower of some kind, and your situation is atypical (which it is) why not do an atypical shower.  Maybe you and your fiance can hold a pre-wedding shower bbq or pot luck, invite neighbors and coworkers - people you would also invite to the wedding, as well as of course, your family and older friends.  At the least, you can maybe assume neighbors and coworkers live near you so they'd be able to come.  Make it clear you are not asking for gifts, but would love their help when they are at the shower, then devise some tasks you would normally do with a wedding party or family and have these folks help.  Ideas could be -making paper flower garlands for the reception decor, addressing envelopes, stuffing envelopes, folding programs, affixing ribbons and faux florals to lanterns or programs or  menus, folding menus to fit into napkins, stamping and embossing napkins for cocktail hour, making favors...maybe you supervise one table of favor-makers while your fiance works with another group on invitation stuffing? Play wedding music ideas and ask them to suggest other songs, and see how they like the songs you did select? Play a few games, nothing too sexual in terms of coworkers (could come back to haunt you) I hope this helps?
    Posted by Ella and Pedro[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm sorry, but this is a terrible idea. You don't recruit your friends/family to do your wedding chores for you. If they OFFER, fine, but don't ask them to do anything.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, the ladies here are more than happy to talk wedding with you and offer advice for planning. We'll squeal over your dress and help you pick out accessories. I'm sorry you don't have someone to turn to for that in your offline life, but we'll try to help make up for it.</div>
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    Blue_Bird
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_feeling-alone-in-this-process?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:dfd5e850-08bf-4610-b9e1-4566f4b0b550Post:68ebca69-7b34-4d32-a996-f278e04afe8f">Re: Feeling alone in this process</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling alone in this process : I'm sorry, but this is a terrible idea. You don't recruit your friends/family to do your wedding chores for you. If they OFFER, fine, but don't ask them to do anything. OP, the ladies here are more than happy to talk wedding with you and offer advice for planning. We'll squeal over your dress and help you pick out accessories. I'm sorry you don't have someone to turn to for that in your offline life, but we'll try to help make up for it.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This. That PP idea is terrible. And we are here to help with anything and we love to see pictures and talk about girly things.</div><div>
    </div><div>But please also remember your fiance. You're never alone because you have him. He is the only person you should be asking for help from and you should be asking him for help - it's his wedding too! :) Good luck to you and please stick around - there's a great sense of community around here. </div><div>
    </div>
    Blue_Bird
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_feeling-alone-in-this-process?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:dfd5e850-08bf-4610-b9e1-4566f4b0b550Post:7dc8279f-3a67-454d-973c-cbc1a6703fa0">Re: Feeling alone in this process</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi there! My mother passed away about 6 years ago, and I don't have any sisters. My husband's mother lives in another state. I do have an aunt that I am close to, so I did have her to sort of fill in as my "mom" for wedding talk, I guess. I included my bridesmaids in some of the planning as well. But overall, my husband and I (mostly I) planned this wedding ourselves, with very little input from anyone. Frankly, I loved that.<strong>  As far as parties, we didn't have an engagement party or a shower. In fact, I declined the shower that was offered to me. Those parties do not "make" your engagement and wedding planning process. You don't need them to enjoy the experience</strong>.  It would be easy for me to sit here and tell you to just snap out of it,but not so easy for you to just do it. I understand that. You just have to start focusing on the stuff that you WILL experience with planning and start enjoying those parts. Don't let the missing elements cast a shadow on the things you do get to look forward to! Relax and try to have fun!
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yes, indeed.  I've also declined offers for shower because they are so not for me.</div><div>
    </div><div>I can somewhat relate- I do have my mom, which is great, but have no sisters, a less than desirable relationship with my FSIL, my FMIL also doesn't speak English well, and all of my closest friends are recently scattered around the country.  I've found the type of outlet for wedding talk and such in other women here on TK and it's been wonderful.</div><div>
    </div><div>Enjoy the process with your FI and feel free to post around TK whenever you'd like.  I've become quite close with a few women here.</div><div>
    </div><div>Please don't take Ella'a advice- it's not proper to throw yourself a party in your own honor.

    </div>

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  • OP, I'm sorry about your mom. I can't imagine how tough that would be.

    Like PPs have said, you have a wonderful community here who is willing to listen, give advice, give opinions on dresses, etc. and bounce ideas off of. I know it's not the same as someone in person, but there are many lovely and helpful ladies here who are more than happy to chat wedding with you.

    I agree with some of the other PPs that you don't want to delegate tasks to people. However, you can still throw get-togethers with them that are NOT wedding-related. You should also lean on your FI. Can he help you plan? I know it may not be the same as having a sister or a mom, but my H was incredibly helpful during the planning process, so maybe try to get him more involved as well.


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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2013
    Its funny (not really) Im feeling the same way. My dad passed in July. My mom is MIA emotionally and everytime I tell her some plan or thought she says "You are doing that?" Her attitude is one of shock...every single time. Trust me, Im not a horrible person. When asking her thoughts about blocking rooms etc for out of state guests, she said "Laurie, in this economy, you cant expect people to fl here, rent a car, a hotel room and give a gift! ( i never mentioned and do not think about gifts) She suggested I throw it at a vfw and have everyone bring a plate! I feel horrible. I am having such a fight within myself. I feel so honored and proud and so blessed to have found this man! I want to shout it from the roof tops!!! Most of her attitude I feel is because this is my 2nd wedding. I was married at 17 for 27 yrs. I had a shot gun wedding and had no say in anything. This, being my 2nd wedding, but trust me, my first love, and will be MY first marriage. I want everone to celebrate with me, for me but I have a very dysfunctional, selfish family. A family who cant be happy for themselves never mind anyone else. I know. It should be enough that I be happy...and I am. Sometimes, the pity gets the best of me though...and I feel a congrads card or call or dinner would be nice! So I am going about this planning, for the most part, alone. I even have 11 bridesmaids, and most of them are emotionally available...but truth be told, I think my mothers lack of interest or support, is the hole!

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  • Sorry your feeling alone, I can understand where you are coming from because you see friends having parties thrown for them , though like others have said parties don't make your engagment enjoyable. Try to focus on your wedding day to make it how you want it, and maybe you just never know someone could be planning something but keeping it a suprise. SO CHEER UP YOUR GETTING MARRIED  Laughing, that should make any girl happy!!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_feeling-alone-in-this-process?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:dfd5e850-08bf-4610-b9e1-4566f4b0b550Post:de20f3f2-03da-4132-97d3-6879ee36b8b3">Feeling alone in this process</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi- just wondering if any other ladies out there are feeling alone in their engagment? I lost my mother about a year ago, no sisters and my fiance's mother and I don't speak a common language. No one on either side of the family has offered to throw any type of engagement party or help with anything wedding-related, and my MOH informed me she can't partake in throwing a couple's shower for financial reasons. I see all of my friends enjoying this part of their life with family and friends and feel a little left out. I know maybe it's selfish because it is our wedding and no one will be as excited as us. But I can't help but feel a little sad. Is this at all normal and what can I do to snap out of it?
    Posted by christyandalex[/QUOTE]

    I feel your pain. Although my Parents are still on this Earth, My Mom and Sisters all live in another Province, My Mom repeatly tells me she doesnt know if she can make it (she is a pensioner and is on a super limited budget, granted she said this when we set the original date like 3 years in advance.) two of my sisters wont be able to make it, one sister wont come if my Mom and or Dad are there ( and My Mom has said she'd rather if my DAD didnt come) and the one sister I'd want there the most, died 5 years ago (and she was my twin). My Dad lives in another provience and cant talk, cant walk and needs round the clock care...
    My family is almost non existant, and my friends are far and few between..his family, I love them to bits but arent any help really. They have no interest in helping but can dole out advise like no one business. Its frusterating to say the very least.
  • I wouldn't worry about an egagement party.  I would be a littel sad if no one threw me a bridal shower.  Perhaps ask your husband to be to ask his sister or mother if they would host one for you?  After all, you are going to be becoming part of their family.
  • I totally get where you're coming from.  We opted for a destination wedding and even though our destination was still within the continental U.S. everyone was LIVID and refused to have anything to do with helping us plan.  They had no interest in hearing about any of the details, much less offer an opinion.  I am the last of the 4 sisters to get married so by now it's "no big deal" and I honestly felt like my family couldn't care less.  My FI's family consisted of his stepdad (divorced from his mom but still kept in touch now and then), his stepdad's 90-something year old mom who was in VERY poor health, and his half sister who lived on the other side of the country.  That's it.  Needless to say, we were on our own.... and it made me sad.

    I did feel that I missed out on a lot.  It's not that I wanted the shower for the gifts.  I wanted it because everyone else in my family had one, and it felt like a rite of passage.  Everyone got together to share stories of their own weddings and give advice to the bride-to-be.  I wanted that WAY more than I wanted gifts or cake or anything else.  I didn't get it.  I went alone to buy my dress, and to all my fittings.  I didn't get to meet with most of our vendors because they were 1500 miles away so we didn't get to do tastings or any of that.  I felt "cheated" for lack of a better word, out of a lot of the typical wedding experience.  I totally get how you feel.  We've been married for a little over a month and some of that still makes me sad because I know I'll never get that chance again.  Like I said, it's not about the gifts - it's about the memories and about getting people together that may not be around in 5 or 10 years, and hearing their advice and stories. 

    My sister and one friend did take me out for a mini bachelorette party a few days before the wedding and even though it was small, I realized that it was just as fun and meaningful as it would have been if there had been 20 people there.  I never expected it, I never thought it would happen, but it did.  Life surprises you sometimes. 

    What I CAN say, though, is that our wedding was AMAZING!  Those who whined and complained about the destination wedding did go and had a wonderful time.  In fact, they only booked 2 nights because they thought they'd hate it, and now they want to go back for a longer trip so they can explore the area more.  I have to say, that made me feel SO good!  Yes, I'm a little sad that I missed out on some of the pre-wedding activities and I did 98% of the work myself but in the end, I got the wedding I always dreamed of that was perfect for ME AND FI, and the memories we made that day FAR outshine any memories we would have made at a shower.  Remember, it's not the gifts that make the marriage, nor is it the pre-wedding parties.  It's the love that surrounds you as you take your vows, and the love you pledge to the man you adore. 

    Sprinkles are great, but it's the cupcake that really matters.


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  • Well hell, I'll talk about your wedding with you! That's why we're all here, right? :-) 

    On a serious note, I am really sorry that you feel alone, no one should ever feel that way. But I would echo the PPs by suggesting you include your fiance in the planning. Bounce ideas off him, ask him what kind of things he wants to see, eat, experience. You might just be surprised by his ideas and initiative. I have planned my wedding pretty much myself, up until recently. FI has really taken an interest in the past few months and I am happy to have him involved. 
  • I know how you feel. I tried to tell myself that a shower was not important. We did not want or need gifts but I did want some attention and support. I was 49 when I finally got married. I had seen so many years of others having showers and parties and had supported the. I had been in about 7 weddings. Of those only one came to mine. I had only 6 months from engagement to wedding.I do not live near my hometown and have not lived there in close to 30 years. Both of our fathers have passed and my mom is too old to travel. DH had also broken up with me for about a year before we got back together and within 6 months were engaged. So a lot of my friends had not yet forgiven him. Neither of my brothers came to the wedding so I had to get a cousins husband to give me away. My cousin and my sister were the only family I had there. My MOH and some of DHs family helped with the wedding - we had it at his uncles restaurant 3 hrs from where we live.

    Since I had to do the wedding planning myself I got to do what I wanted. DH was agreeable to most anything as long as it was not too much work. I saw posts of brides having conflicts with mothers, MIL, BM etc. Since it was all me I did not have that problem. So look at the positive as far as that goes.

    I did end up at the last month having some friends throw a surprise shower and another group of ladies I get together with twice a month had a small shower of just them. Since we getsometimes work on projects at the get together I did elicit their help with putting together my favors.

    Sorry others are not as excited as you would like and have dreamed of for your wedding. As others have said the ladies here can help with decisions and ideas.

  • Wedding planning is a process that often brings up old wounds and requires us to finish or continute the process of grieving old losses, even if they're just the losses associated with growing up and saying goodbye to childhood. If you've lost people in your family, the pain that most brides experience when separating from their family of origin will be compounded. The Conscious Bride and its companion workbook, the Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner, are really helpful for teasing apart the threads of the different griefs and anxieties that get stirred up by wedding planning excitement.
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
    thejucheidea
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