Today Show Etiquette on Gifts?

misssunshine17 · June 2013

This morning Matt Lauer asked 'the professionals' if traditional boxed gifts were a thing of the past. Someone came up with a random age of 23 saying that older people who have lived together, another said do what the bride wants and the other said if they've lived together for years, donate to charity. They cut to Savannah, who is recently engaged, and she said they're asking people to donate to charities.

What is your stance? I, personally, have no issue with boxed or cash gifts for any couple. However, I do side eye showers for people who have lived together for years with super extravagant registries (since they already have the basics). I would never go to a shower without a gift, so I would just skip it if I didn't want to buy them a gift.

harper0813 · June 2013

alisonmarie658 said:
I think it really depends on the couple. I agree that I turn my nose up at anyone with a really extravagant registry especially if they have lived together for years. I really don't like the idea of giving to charities because I would not want someone donating to an organization that I fundamentally disagree with. I think that if the couple wants to donate part of their wedding gift money, they should do so because it is their money.

I agree with you, Alison. If a couple "registered" at a charity, I would just write them a check. They could do with it what they please.

itzMS · June 2013

Asking people to donate to charity is ridiculous. DH & I can't donate to pretty much any charity due to many of their missions being against our religious beliefs.

I like a diverse registry...it allows me tons of variety for picking out something for the couple.

Generally speaking for weddings...to our closest friends and coworkers we give cash. All other family and friends we give registry gifts or a giftcard. We base it off of our relationship with the couple.

winelover123 · June 2013

I don't think I'd side eye a shower, even if a couple has been living together and has all of the basics. The only thing I'd side eye is if they don't have any items under $50. If there are a bunch of things at different price points, enough in the lower end of the price range to equate a decent gift, I'm happy. If the least expensive thing on there is a $100 wine glass, I'll go off-registry and find something else. Or just not go to the shower.

I like registries - they make it so much easier to give gifts. And I like showers because I like giving physical, boxed gifts.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

A couple may have all the basics but their basics could be complete crap, like towels with holes, pots and pans that are banged and stained, dishes with chips, etc so I really don't mind couples who have showers even if they have been living together for awhile because everyone could use an upgrade now and then. But I would side-eye a couple who has a registry with only super expensive gift items like a dyson vacuum, a $100 stainless steel trash can, and a flat screen tv.

As long as the registry is filled in with a variety of gifts and price ranges then it is ok in my book.

For the charity aspect, I hate when couples donate to charities in lieu of a wedding favor or ask guests to donate to specific charity instead of providing them with a gift. Donating to charity is a great thing but it should be voluntary and left out of weddings.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

I agree with Maggie - who cares if people have lived together, most couples who move in don't have the resources to go and and buy all new housewares.

cwaggoner07 · June 2013

The charity thing REALLY bugs me because I had a close friend and her husband do this. When they ended up getting some checks anyways, instead of giving to one of their three listed charities, they went and bought stuff for their house. WTF??? You obviously had household items you needed (as almost everyone does), but you chose to flaunt how noble you were by turning your nose up at a registry, claiming you were oh so charitable.

Ugh.

easilyunamused · June 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

I agree with Maggie - who cares if people have lived together, most couples who move in don't have the resources to go and and buy all new housewares.

Thanks, My FI and I have been living together for 4 years, but we lived in a furnished apartment because we never know when we may need to move. So we have basically own nothing for a household. Even if these things may have to stay in storage for a little bit, it'll be nice to know we have them when we need them.

That's if we get anything off of our registry. And if not, that's cool too!

And am I the only one who thinks its lazy to use the charities favor? Besides the fact that I don't want anything donated in my name without my knowledge.

Jen4948 · June 2013

If the couple doesn't want boxed gifts, I'd try to respect that, but I would side-eye asking for charitable donations. Sorry, but it's up to the guests to decide which charities they support, independent of the wedding, not be "nudged" by the couple to support a charity.

thisismynickname2 · June 2013

My stance on traditional boxed gifts is as follows. I agree with another poster that a couple who lives together may still have items that are worn out and need replacing or upgrading- or perhaps there's something they just want and never had the budget for (like me, I want a wine fridge...) Hopefully, if you attend a wedding, you are close enough to the happy couple to choose a suitable gift- new wine glasses from the registry? A new top-of-the-line vacuum cleaner because their old one broke due to too much pet hair? Skip the registry and give tickets to the city Symphony? Cash?

This view may raise some eyebrows, but I'm actually against a shower, not the gifts themselves, if the couple has ever lived outside of their respective parents' house. You know that scene in Father of the Bride (from like 1992) where the father is placing "another lovely silver tea set" on the table? I think if you're going to send a boxed gift, just ship it to the house. If you're giving cash, bring the card to the wedding. The purpose is to celebrate is the WEDDING of two people, and there is a RECEPTION for just that. Why do others (aunts, sisters, friends) have to go through the time and (lately ever-larger) expense of throwing a whole extra party just to give wedding gifts? It's actually morphed into women splitting their budget on two gifts because heaven forbid you attend an event without a gift in hand.

If I want to buy a couple an upgraded toaster off their registry, I'd sooner ship it to their house than attend a shower socializing with a bunch of women I barely know, will never see again besides the wedding, and playing horrible games. I get this is fun for young women who truly need a full household of stuff, but.... I'm 30, I'm so over showers!

loca4pook · June 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

I agree with Maggie - who cares if people have lived together, most couples who move in don't have the resources to go and and buy all new housewares.

I agree. For me, it made financial sense to move in together. I had basics..since college. Literally same dishes for years and years. I needed an upgrade and didn't feel bad registering. I had stuff in all price ranges

tiny speck · June 2013

Bmarie1316 said:

TheBaysideBride said:

I agree with Maggie - who cares if people have lived together, most couples who move in don't have the resources to go and and buy all new housewares.

Thanks, My FI and I have been living together for 4 years, but we lived in a furnished apartment because we never know when we may need to move. So we have basically own nothing for a household. Even if these things may have to stay in storage for a little bit, it'll be nice to know we have them when we need them.

That's if we get anything off of our registry. And if not, that's cool too!

And am I the only one who thinks its lazy to use the charities favor? Besides the fact that I don't want anything donated in my name without my knowledge.

As to the bold, this is us too. We lived together about a year and a half before getting married, but in a tiny furnished studio apartment. We still own no household stuff at all (we didn't have a shower since we live away from our families and will have to move internationally soon). So yeah, it bugs me when people assume that if a couple has lived together they must not need any household items. That may be the case for a lot of people, but it certainly isn't for everyone.

Oh and also the thing about the couple's age (from the OP), we are 27 and 28, so not exactly fresh out of our parents' homes either...

mlg78 · June 2013

I agree with Maggie on gifts. I want fine china. When would I in my 20s and 30s receive fine china on my own or in the last 6 months of living together as a couple? Sure, it might seem extravagant but I've also registered for a ton of things under $15 that I'd love to have new ones of or fun gadgets I've never gotten for myself in the kitchen. I think it's irrelevant that I'm 34 and he's 32 and we've both lived on our own since we were 19 years old. We have a ton of "stuff"...it's all crap though.

CheleLyn · June 2013

Maggie0829 said:

A couple may have all the basics but their basics could be complete crap, like towels with holes, pots and pans that are banged and stained, dishes with chips, etc so I really don't mind couples who have showers even if they have been living together for awhile because everyone could use an upgrade now and then. But I would side-eye a couple who has a registry with only super expensive gift items like a dyson vacuum, a $100 stainless steel trash can, and a flat screen tv.

As long as the registry is filled in with a variety of gifts and price ranges then it is ok in my book.

For the charity aspect, I hate when couples donate to charities in lieu of a wedding favor or ask guests to donate to specific charity instead of providing them with a gift. Donating to charity is a great thing but it should be voluntary and left out of weddings.

That would be us. Also, I moved in with Jason, leaving all my own things out of state, so 90% of what he owns is stuff he acquired during his previous marriage (and most of it is NOT my style), so after discussing it with him, we will be doing a registry to upgrade and just freshen up certain things (towels, bed sheets, kitchen accessories).

delujm0 · June 2013

Agree. FI and I are 30-year-old professionals that have been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and literally the dishes and flatware we use is 30-year-old hand-me-downs from his parents that he took for his college apartment. We have wanted new stuff for years, but refused to buy any because we were afraid if we bought it ourselves we would have nothing to put on our registry when we finally got married! But we're planning to find everything at Crate & Barrel, so it won't be super pricey or anything.

At this point, if you even LOOK at one of the dishes funny, it breaks in half.

Everything on our registry will be dinnerware/serving items though (small exception for the waffle maker and ice cream maker i have always wanted that we never had room for). We do have reasonable furniture, linens, etc. at this point in our lives! FI is making some noise about a kegerator that i am not impressed with though. ;-)

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