Cold Feet?

elizabetheleven · June 2013

Curious... is "cold feet" normal? If you're married did you have that feeling? If so, how long before the big day?

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

When you say cold feet, what feelings are you having?

While I think it's normal to be nervous before the wedding because it IS a huge decision and a commitment to make, if you are doubting your FI, then I would really take a step back and consider these concerns.

I personally did not have cold feet. The only nerves I had were from being the center of attention on that day (which I hate) and hoping I didn't fall or do anything stupid.

MuppetFan · June 2013

I always take "cold feet" seriously.

I was told I had that the week before my wedding and it was definitely not cold feet.

My thoughts were way before then. I shouldn't have gotten married. I suggested maybe I should postpone it but my family pointed out money and guest embarrassment.

Do you have substantiated doubts about marrying your fiance? Do you have unresolved problems? Are you 100% happy and accepting of him with all of his faults right now? Are you prepared to live with those until one of you drops dead?

tiny speck · June 2013

I agree there are different kinds of "cold feet." Are you nervous about the actual wedding day or about marriage more generally?

elizabetheleven · June 2013

I'm not nervous about the actual day per se. I have absolutely no interest in planning (I don't even like speaking with my coordinator even though she's amazing).

I do love my fl, he's an awesome man. Maybe I get a little weirded out since this will be my second marriage? Since I've been through it before I know how huge of a step it is and I get a little weary...

misssunshine17 · June 2013

I'm nervous about my wedding, but not at all for our marriage. There is a difference. I'm likely to fall flat on my face going to the altar and spill red wine down my dress, but I'm beyond thrilled for our marriage. My nerves have nothing to do with my fiance.

hockeywife10 · June 2013

I am not nervous at all about marrying my FI, I know he is my soulmate. I, like so many of you have posted, am nervous about being the center of attention. I am afraid of my heels getting stuck in the ground, talking in front of people for our ceremony... absolutely everything, but I know deep down it will go great, because I am marrying the man of my dreams

wittykitty14 · June 2013

misssunshine17 said:

I'm nervous about my wedding, but not at all for our marriage. There is a difference. I'm likely to fall flat on my face going to the altar and spill red wine down my dress, but I'm beyond thrilled for our marriage. My nerves have nothing to do with my fiance.

This is EXACTLY how I feel too.

I get nervous from time to time-about the wedding. I'm having no doubts about the marriage, and I'm so excited for it! But still, I get very stressed out often. Then I think "is this really worth it?" The "this" I was referring to was the big ceremony and reception I always envisioned. Sometimes I think I'd rather do a courthouse wedding, because the planning stress is taking it's toll. But I still LOVE my FI with all my heart, and want nothing more than to get married and spend the rest of my life with him.

I guess my point is that I wouldn't worry too much if you're nervous about the wedding and getting overwhelmed with the planning. You should only give it more thought if you're doubting the person you're marrying.

kerbohl · June 2013

There are definitely different kinds of cold feet. My "cold feet" isn't about my FI, but getting married in general. I honestly never envisioned myself getting married, and I have two relatives that are very similar in personality to me who are older, single, and loving life, so sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for marriage and will make FI happy. I'm about 7 months out right now, so as it gets closer (and I finally move back home permanently and get ready to stay in one place for a longer period of time) these anxieties about marriage in general will probably begin to fade. Poor FI - it's what he gets for proposing to a commitment-phoebe.

HobokensFury · June 2013

I was nervous about how the wedding was going to turn out but never about actually getting married.

SapphireCounselor · June 2013

I'm two weeks out and can honestly agree that while I am nervous about the preparations and all the little details (will all of my vendors show up on time and do what they need to do, will my guests enjoy themselves, will the minister get our names right, have I forgotten some crucial detail that I will have to deal with on the day of, etc.), I am absolutely not nervous about making that commitment to my FI. I love him, but it is much more than that...it is about the fact that we absolutely compliment one another in some many ways and have a shared vision for what we want our life together to look like. We absolutely accept each other for who we really are, flaws and all. Whenever I get stressed about planning, I think about that and it helps. I wouldn't be doing this otherwise.

In short, I agree that what you specific nervous thoughts are is what ultimately matters...

swimmy1988 · June 2013

I'm 9 days out, and my feet are nice and toasty. I do get nervous about being in front of a crowd, even though most will be my family and friends. Other than that I don't have any doubts about fi being the one I want to marry and share my life with.

MuppetFan · June 2013

elizabetheleven said:

I'm not nervous about the actual day per se. I have absolutely no interest in planning (I don't even like speaking with my coordinator even though she's amazing). I do love my fl, he's an awesome man. Maybe I get a little weirded out since this will be my second marriage? Since I've been through it before I know how huge of a step it is and I get a little weary...

I understand. This is my second time around and I've been very careful not to repeat my mistakes in the past which were really that I couldn't accept my life as it was when I married him. I thought everything would get better. ha...

Many relationships and more experience later, this is the first time I've felt 100% confident marrying. FMIL has issues imposing in our lives and tried to move in with us in December. FI was not honoring our relationship and I was not having that. He knew that I was 100% serious when I told him it would be a deal breaker if he could not do that and I would not think twice about breaking our engagement. He immediately corrected the issues at the time, started to stand up for me and our relationship and our decisions, and worked on his tendencies to be driven by his mother since.

If he didn't do that, I would not be planning a wedding right now. So I feel confident.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

FI and I were just talking about this last night, actually. I am not wild about being the centre of attention for an entire day (I'm very shy), and I'm scared to death I'm going to trip on my train/veil, or burn myself with the curling iron, because I'm notoriously clumsy. But I'm completely sure about FI. I have no doubts that I want to marry him, be his wife, be with him forever.

kerbohl · June 2013

coopergirl15 said:

I definitely do not and will not have cold feet when I marry my FI. I am happy he proposed, but decided early on that I wanted to spend my life with him, and if necessary I would do it without a marriage license. I made my mistakes before him and know I've found my perfect partner. Not giving that up for anything! That said, there are people out there who are getting married for the ideal of getting married, and those who don't realize the gravity of the commitment they're making. Those people have doubts about the marriage itself, not simply the stage fright associated with standing up in front of a group of people. One type of cold feet (stage fright) is understandable. The other type of cold feet just means the couple did not think their relationship through, and that is unfortunate and entirely avoidable.

I think you oversimplified - I don't have stage fright, which by method of elimination means that I have the other kind of cold feet that you mentioned. But I definitely have thought my relationship through. I can still be worried about marriage and all the commitments that are involved with marriage even if I've thought things through. It is perfectly normal to be worried about the relationship, especially when you hear old divorced women (my FMIL has many older divorced friends, so I'm referring to them, not saying that all divorced women are old) bemoaning how they thought their SO was perfect until ten years down the road etc . . . Doubts are allowed to creep in whether you've thought long and hard about marriage or not.

runpipparun · June 2013

I did read an article recently that stated that cold feet (not "the jitters," but truly having misgivings in the months prior to marriage) is an indicator of trouble ahead. Some extremely high number of people now-divorced admitted to having second thoughts about the person they were marrying in the months prior to their wedding. So if anyone is having cold feet, it's definitely something you should NOT take lightly.

Like most people in this thread, my cold feet involve the stupid wedding. I'm having second thoughts about having such a large (87 people) wedding. I wish we'd just invited our friends and a few family members. Trying to coordinate this shindig is stressing me out, and I'm horribly worried people will not enjoy themselves. I'm excited for the service and being married, but the reception has me shaking in my boots.

Edited: clarity

elizabetheleven · June 2013

I want to thank all y'all for the replies. I appreciate it. I do want to point out again that I'm deeply in love with my fl. I am mainly just very aware of the commitment involved since being married once before. I realized I'm letting the fear and outcome (nasty divorce) of my last marriage get to me.
My fl is an amazing man. He's always been there for my children and I and cares for us immensely. I can't let my divorce dictate or contribute in any way towards the commitment I am making now.
What I've read here has put perspective on that. Thank you.

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