Am I wrong for having the selfish attitude when it comes to where I want my wedding to be?

skypt123 · June 2013

Like anyone else planning their first wedding, I am extremely excited! I'm in my mid-30's, and thought this was never going to happen for me! I know exactly what I want, and found an all inclusive destination wedding in Mexico at a 5 star resort was exactly what we were looking for. My fiancee and I decided that it would be a lot cheaper, but still be very intimate and elegant. In order to be considerate of our guests finanacial situations, we are planning it over a year in advance with a travel agent so they can make payments and the wedding will be on a weekend so no one will miss work. We even decided to pay for all of our parents travel expenses. However, we are getting a lot of push back from both our families. It seems several of our guests, including our parents, may not be willing to travel (both of our familes are very old fashioned and from very small towns). Since NO ONE is helping us fund this, or even offering for that matter, my future groom and I have a serious un-caring attitude about it. I would love my parents to come, and would be very hurt if they didn't, however, this is MY day. They can ride along or ride out. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am willing to compromise on some things, but my wedding ain't one of them. Any suggestions on how to handle the family?

jarednmegan · June 2013

Bottom line: If you really want them to be there on your day, you may have to compromise on the location. You could always honeymoon in Mexico.

VarunaTT · June 2013

"This is what we've decided to do. I'm sorry you can't attend". Rinse, repeat, bean dip as others put it, or just end conversation.

It's not WRONG, per se. You just have to decide if it's worth it. For me, it wouldn't be. Having my friends and family there would be way more important than location. For you, it might be. There you go. It's your decision, you don't have to justify it to anyone, but I'd try to smooth feelings as much as possible. How would you feel about a local reception for people who couldn't come?

jarednmegan · June 2013

VarunaTT said:

"This is what we've decided to do. I'm sorry you can't attend". Rinse, repeat, bean dip as others put it, or just end conversation.
It's not WRONG, per se. You just have to decide if it's worth it. For me, it wouldn't be. Having my friends and family there would be way more important than location. For you, it might be. There you go. It's your decision, you don't have to justify it to anyone, but I'd try to smooth feelings as much as possible. How would you feel about a local reception for people who couldn't come?

My bro and SIL did this...they got married in NM and had a reception later on SIL's family's farm in NH. Happy campers all around.

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Heffalump · June 2013

If your plans include giving people time to "make payments" toward attending your nuptials, don't be surprised if some can't make it. Honestly, unless I were really close to a couple(sibling, best friend), there are other things I'd probably rather spend my money on.

jarednmegan · June 2013

Heffalump said:

If your plans include giving people time to "make payments" toward attending your nuptials, don't be surprised if some can't make it. Honestly, unless I were really close to a couple(sibling, best friend), there are other things I'd probably rather spend my money on.

Hadn't thought of that, but that's another good point. You make payments on a major appliance or a cruise. Not an event that you feel obliged to attend.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

People don't like having whole weekends hijacked for someone else's wedding, and rightfully so. And don't forget that they ARE going to need to take off on Monday or Friday or maybe both, since travel is exhausting and a huge hassle.

Wzz · June 2013

feel however you like, but then at the same time remember that your family members feel that they also are not wrong for having their feelings about traveling to a wedding.

thejucheidea · June 2013

Oh thank god, you mean if I come to your wedding, I can spend thousands of dollars going to a vacation location that is likely very last on my list of places I want to visit? SCORE.

6fsn · June 2013

You can want whatever you want. You may need to adjust your expectations of others though.

PirateBarbie · June 2013

if you've decided that the location is more important than the guests, that's fine, but you need to live with that decision.

you've decided to spend the time and money on a DW - guests have just as much right to decide they want to spend their time and money on other things than attending your wedding. you need to respect their decision and not be a jerk about it.

kmmssg · June 2013

A DW will be cheaper for you but it passes a LOT of the cost to your guests. There is no way I would spend that kind of money to attend someone's DW. I'll send regrets and a great gift, but if attending your wedding means I have to "make payments" for a year, or however long, it will be a big NO.

skypt123 · June 2013

Thanks! Even though we're pretty set in our decision, some of you brought up some really great points! We are on a budget, so we have to do what is best for us and just have to accept the results.

thisismynickname2 · June 2013

I say do the DW if that's your dream. I agree with other posters that it may be too non-traditional for some guests. You may have to do a separate home reception to appease folks. In my opinion, having two receptions defeats the purpose of a DW in the first place!

That being said, if you plow forward with your plans, the reluctant guests have about 9 months to change their minds. If they see how happy you are and that you're not giving in to their demands, they may come anyway for a reluctance to miss your special day. Don't give in or plan a second reception unless you really feel you must (after the RSVP date passes, I'd say!).

Lastly, I haven't had the privilege of attending a DW, but everyone I know who has has had a blast (with the exception of some food poisoning issues in Cancun).

CowgirlK39 · June 2013

The thing about DWs is basically what PPs said. If it matters THAT much to you, do it, but do not be surprised if very few show up. My brother just had a DW that was still in the states, but rather far from both families. Very few people from our side attended. I personally think separating the reception from the ceremony is really dumb. It's like saying "hey I am having a second party to celebrate my wedding because I chose to do something too expensive for you to join us on the first time." Maybe it's just me but that seems kinda rude. Again, it's up to your family and friends if they can deal with you having a DW or if its just not feasible. I sure as heck wouldn't want to deal with a wedding I have to make payments on just to attend.

QueerFemme · June 2013

DWs are selfish. I know they are popular and some people love them, but you are asking your guests to spend their vacation time and probably a hefty budget to go witness you get married. And, it's cheaper for YOU, because generally, your guests are likely subsidizing a portion of your wedding. (i.e. - often, resorts will let you have the ceremony free, or give you a free room if enough guests book their rooms).

You can certainly have a DW, but don't be surprised when people are dissapointed that they cannot afford to or can't use their vacation time to travel to another country for your wedding, when you could have just as easily had a local wedding where everyone could spend a few hours out of their day to attend.

Am I wrong for having the selfish attitude when it comes to where I want my wedding to be?

Re: Am I wrong for having the selfish attitude when it comes to where I want my wedding to be?

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