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Etiquette faux pas question for you

HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, FI's grandmother and aunt are throwing me a bridal shower, which is lovely of them, and I am very appreciative.

They asked me for a list of names/addresses for people to invite, which I provided. 

Today, after the invitations to the shower have gone out, I find out that they have invited several people to the shower who not only weren't on the shower invite list, they're not invited to the wedding. (Which is why they weren't on the shower list I provided, obvs).

I pointed this out to FI, who's pissed about it. He called his aunt and asked, "Why did you invite so-and-so, when they weren't on the list, and you know they're not invited to the wedding?" 

Auntie said, "Well, I know the rule is that anyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding, and I thought you should have invited these people, and now you have to."

FI is seeing red he's so angry. He's refusing to invite them -- they were left off his list for a reason. Auntie is trying to guilt-trip him into it. I'm backing his play, because these are his relatives.

But what say the O Wise Knotties about this situation? 
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I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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Re: Etiquette faux pas question for you

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    cbrown828cbrown828 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    His aunt is out of line here. She needs to call these people and own up to her poor judgment. Can you decline the shower at this point? If it's too late and will go on as planned, it will look bad on them, not you. It's good to hear you are in agreement and he is dealing with his family.

    FMIL tried to pull this crap on me. Said we could tell those not invited to the wedding to "just bring small gifts." I declined the shower altogether.
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    harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited June 2013
    FI says, "We are unable to invite everyone we'd like. The guest list is no longer up for discussion." Repeat ad nauseum. This looks bad on his aunt, not on you two. What a rude thing for her to do - I'm sorry you're going through this!

    ETA: I forgot to add that, of course, you are not obligated to invite them. I sure wouldn't.
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    sandbagger18sandbagger18 member
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    I would be so mad! That was wrong of her to do, but it's been done now. If it was me, I probably still wouldn't invite them. If there was a reason not to invite them, they probably wouldn't be expecting to be invited. Also, if it is known that your aunt is planning the shower, then I think that it would be clear that she invited them. Good luck not stepping on toes, but remember that it's your day. If you or you FI don't want them there, don't back down just to please your aunt. 
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    winelover123winelover123 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment First Answer
    If it's too late to cancel, it'll look bad on her since she's the host. She'll have some explaining to do when they never get their invitation.
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    MuppetFanMuppetFan member
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    I'm with soup.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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    rel1988rel1988 member
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    Holy cow that's ridiculous. I'm glad your FI is coming to your defense though.
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    When is the shower? I would also decline. She's blackmailing you. 
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    CarolinaHeartCarolinaHeart member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    Wow, what a manipulative bitch.  I would tell her to cancel the bridal shower because you will no longer be attending.  That is beyond ridiculous.

    This may be extreme but I would do this too. That way there is NO WAY you can be seen as at fault if she won't own up to her actions.

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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    lemclane said: The shower is next month -- it's not too late to decline, and that's where we're at. FI has said that, if Auntie and Gma don't call and dis-invite (uninvite? Which is correct there?) these women, we'll be cancelling the shower. Auntie tried to call his bluff on that one. He said, "Just try me. If you don't call and disinvite these people, on the phone where I can hear you, lem won't be at the shower, and you'll face the prospect of either cancelling the shower, or explaining to a slew of guests why there is no bride at a bridal shower." I think this is exactly what you should do. It's her faux pas, not yours. And it's all the worse for the fact that she did it knowingly to try to wrangle more invites.
    ETA: stupid messed up quoting
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    theretamaragoestheretamaragoes
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    phira said:
    So yes: have your fiance tell this woman, "Thanks again for the shower, but we're going to have to cancel. We don't feel comfortable having folks at the shower who will not be invited to the wedding." And then THE END.
    This. Completely THIS. 
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    mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I fully know this wasn't the best way to handle things but I pretty much knew my mom would do this as she's throwing my shower.  Despite me sending her the list she invited probably 15-20 (yes, THAT many MORE!) additional ladies who weren't on my wedding list.  Like I said, I know this wasn't the best way to handle it, but I took the stack of addressed invites home with me, sorted through them and only returned to her who was supposed to actually be invited.  I was so pissed that she did this and I didn't speak to her for a number of days until I cooled down...because while it does reflect badly on the hostess, those invited are unaware of who may have actually made the etiquette error.
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    nswearensweare member
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    I think you almost have no choice but to cancel the shower. I feel bad for the women who the awful Aunt invited and now need to be uninvited. Can you imagine getting that phone call? I certainly am not advocating inviting them to the wedding or anything like that. I just think it's a sucky situation all around. Though I think you're damned if you do, damned if you don't at this point. Plus, if you cancel now does that mean you don't get a shower at all? I know no one is entitled to a shower, but it still stinks. I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    lemclane said:
    The shower is next month -- it's not too late to decline, and that's where we're at. FI has said that, if Auntie and Gma don't call and dis-invite (uninvite? Which is correct there?) these women, we'll be cancelling the shower. Auntie tried to call his bluff on that one. He said, "Just try me. If you don't call and disinvite these people, on the phone where I can hear you, lem won't be at the shower, and you'll face the prospect of either cancelling the shower, or explaining to a slew of guests why there is no bride at a bridal shower."
    That's awesome of your FI.  I hope you don't have to follow through with not going to the shower, but it's great that he has your back.
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    CoeurCoeur member
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    This is awful, I feel terribly for you guys!  I'm glad your FI is so strongly on your side!  That's great that he's handling his family so proactively.  Even in a bad situation, that's a heck of a good thing to see. 

    I would wonder, even if your Aunti does end up saying she'll 'cancel' those guests to acquiesce, she might invite them anyways.  It seems like given her intentions, you might think all's resolved until you show up and her invitees are there all the same.  I'm not sure what'd be best for you, but declining the shower altogether at this point is one thing to definitely consider. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Once the invitations have gone out, I think it would be very rude to all the other guests for you to cancel. They are likely already making plans to attend. You haven't done anything wrong here. I would carry on knowing that she is rude and you've done everything you can about it.
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    misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I think I would continue and when you see these people, say something like "oh I had no idea you were going to be here. So happy to see you."
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