Being a better partner

MissMolly · June 2013

Okay, it's been a week since FH moved in, and I'm exhausted. I was tired before, and had been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is ridiculous. A couple nights ago, we went to bed at 11pm. I woke up at 2, at 3, at 4:30, then fell into a deep sleep in time for my 6:30am alarm to go off. FH had a great sleep! He snores, so he wears something called a "snore mender", which usually works well, but his saliva ducts have been working overtime and it sounds like he's gargling at night. I feel like such a cruddy partner. I'm exhausted all the time, and have zero energy. We've made love once since he moved in, mostly because we go to bed too late for me to do anything about it. He's not working at this time, so a late bedtime isn't a big deal for him, as he can sleep in. Thank God I've been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is still hitting me hard and I feel like a bitch, and am not much fun to be around. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced challenges with going from living alone to living with someone, but I'm wondering how a person copes with things like sleepless nights, and manages to still be chipper to her partner the next morning. I would love to come home from work, and dance through the door with a smile and a big kiss, but to be honest, I come through the door bleary-eyed, not caring about much other than eating and stroking things off my ever-growing to-do list. He's not bothered much by the things it takes to keep a house, as his Mom did it before, and he's been doing bare minimum things. The entire rug needs to be vacuumed, but I haven't had time for about a month. He made a mess last night and vacuumed that up, but left the rest of the rug. He did his own dishes a couple nights ago, and wasn't aware that the others were dirty and needed doing as well. He could've picked them up and looked at them, but instead, drained the water and walked away. I guess I just expected more of a team/partner feeling instead of a roommate feeling. Silly, I know, and really not a big deal in the long run. I'm just tired, and thought this would be different. I should add that we never really got around to talking about things like chores, bills, and how much he's going to pay me per month. I had requested that we do this well before moving in; it just never really happened in-depth. Okay, stupid rant is over, and I'm going back to laying out my book.

itzMS · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

Okay, it's been a week since FH moved in, and I'm exhausted. I was tired before, and had been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is ridiculous. A couple nights ago, we went to bed at 11pm. I woke up at 2, at 3, at 4:30, then fell into a deep sleep in time for my 6:30am alarm to go off. FH had a great sleep! He snores, so he wears something called a "snore mender", which usually works well, but his saliva ducts have been working overtime and it sounds like he's gargling at night. I feel like such a cruddy partner. I'm exhausted all the time, and have zero energy. We've made love once since he moved in, mostly because we go to bed too late for me to do anything about it. He's not working at this time, so a late bedtime isn't a big deal for him, as he can sleep in. Thank God I've been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is still hitting me hard and I feel like a bitch, and am not much fun to be around. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced challenges with going from living alone to living with someone, but I'm wondering how a person copes with things like sleepless nights, and manages to still be chipper to her partner the next morning. I would love to come home from work, and dance through the door with a smile and a big kiss, but to be honest, I come through the door bleary-eyed, not caring about much other than eating and stroking things off my ever-growing to-do list. He's not bothered much by the things it takes to keep a house, as his Mom did it before, and he's been doing bare minimum things. The entire rug needs to be vacuumed, but I haven't had time for about a month. He made a mess last night and vacuumed that up, but left the rest of the rug. He did his own dishes a couple nights ago, and wasn't aware that the others were dirty and needed doing as well. He could've picked them up and looked at them, but instead, drained the water and walked away. I guess I just expected more of a team/partner feeling instead of a roommate feeling. Silly, I know, and really not a big deal in the long run. I'm just tired, and thought this would be different. I should add that we never really got around to talking about things like chores, bills, and how much he's going to pay me per month. I had requested that we do this well before moving in; it just never really happened in-depth. Okay, stupid rant is over, and I'm going back to laying out my book.

To the first bolded, can you take some Tylenol PM for a few nights until you get used to each other's sleeping patterns? There's also natural things like melatonin that you can take to help your brain calm down so you can rest.

To the second bolded, get on this ASAP. When DH (then BF) moved in, we laid out all of our finances, opened a joint account to pay common bills from. But since your FI is unemployed...it appears like you'll be paying all of the bills.

Can he pick up some temp jobs (landscaping, tutoring, babysitting, dog walking, etc) to help contribute? Otherwise, I don't think it's out of line at all to sit down together to make a list of tasks around the house that he needs to complete. DH & I did this when he was laid off for two weeks. It made him feel good to contribute in some way and discuss what he accomplished (besides sitting on his ass) when I got home from work.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

Okay, it's been a week since FH moved in, and I'm exhausted. I was tired before, and had been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is ridiculous. A couple nights ago, we went to bed at 11pm. I woke up at 2, at 3, at 4:30, then fell into a deep sleep in time for my 6:30am alarm to go off. FH had a great sleep! He snores, so he wears something called a "snore mender", which usually works well, but his saliva ducts have been working overtime and it sounds like he's gargling at night. I feel like such a cruddy partner. I'm exhausted all the time, and have zero energy. We've made love once since he moved in, mostly because we go to bed too late for me to do anything about it. He's not working at this time, so a late bedtime isn't a big deal for him, as he can sleep in. Thank God I've been conditioning my body to go on less sleep, but this is still hitting me hard and I feel like a bitch, and am not much fun to be around. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced challenges with going from living alone to living with someone, but I'm wondering how a person copes with things like sleepless nights, and manages to still be chipper to her partner the next morning. I would love to come home from work, and dance through the door with a smile and a big kiss, but to be honest, I come through the door bleary-eyed, not caring about much other than eating and stroking things off my ever-growing to-do list. He's not bothered much by the things it takes to keep a house, as his Mom did it before, and he's been doing bare minimum things. The entire rug needs to be vacuumed, but I haven't had time for about a month. He made a mess last night and vacuumed that up, but left the rest of the rug. He did his own dishes a couple nights ago, and wasn't aware that the others were dirty and needed doing as well. He could've picked them up and looked at them, but instead, drained the water and walked away. I guess I just expected more of a team/partner feeling instead of a roommate feeling. Silly, I know, and really not a big deal in the long run. I'm just tired, and thought this would be different. I should add that we never really got around to talking about things like chores, bills, and how much he's going to pay me per month. I had requested that we do this well before moving in; it just never really happened in-depth. Okay, stupid rant is over, and I'm going back to laying out my book.

Do this NOW. You want it to happen before it gets to be more routine for him to do the bare minimum and you start to resent it. I think you said it's only been a week. Now is the time to set up good habits.

As for the sleep; go to bed without him. That's ok. You need your sleep. If he snores, and you go to bed and fall asleep first, it is less likely to wake you up.

As for couple time; set aside one Friday or Saturday night a week for date night. We plan something and see where the night takes us. Not that we're limiting ourselves to once/week, but this gives a set time where it's just us and we can reconnect and see what happens.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

Go to bed when you're tired, honestly. I don't see how this isn't common sense. If you go to bed a couple hours before him, you'll probably sleep better because you'll be in a deep sleep by the time he starts snoring.

Try having sex when you get home for work. I don't like before bed either.

MissMolly · June 2013

itzMS said:

To the first bolded, can you take some Tylenol PM for a few nights until you get used to each other's sleeping patterns? There's also natural things like melatonin that you can take to help your brain calm down so you can rest.

To the second bolded, get on this ASAP. When DH (then BF) moved in, we laid out all of our finances, opened a joint account to pay common bills from. But since your FI is unemployed...it appears like you'll be paying all of the bills.

Can he pick up some temp jobs (landscaping, tutoring, babysitting, dog walking, etc) to help contribute? Otherwise, I don't think it's out of line at all to sit down together to make a list of tasks around the house that he needs to complete. DH & I did this when he was laid off for two weeks. It made him feel good to contribute in some way and discuss what he accomplished (besides sitting on his ass) when I got home from work.

I do take melatonin Sunday through Thursday, but let my body have a break from it for the weekend. Last night, I had a glass of wine, and haven't slept that well in awhile!

I should point out that while he's technically unemployed now, he's a uni prof, but a temporary full-time one, so his salary doesn't include the summer months. If he were "term" (full-time, permanent), he would get payed 12 months a year. However, he still makes more than I do. He doesn't sit all the time; he divides up his time prepping for next term, unpacking, and doing things at his Mom's house. He has made supper 3 times this week too. It's just all the other stuff (housework, on top of wedding planning, which he really hasn't done much of).

But yes, I will sit down and talk to him this weekend about all of these things.

SapphireCounselor · June 2013

Wow...a lot going on here. I think the first thing that needs to be said is that some tension while you're adjusting to living with each other on an every day basis is very normal, no matter how close you are as a couple. If it is any consolation, I am going through the same thing you are...my fiance' moved in less than a month ago, and it has certainly been more of an adjustment than I expected because I actually loved living on my own.

That said, there seems to be deeper issues at play here as well. Something about the way you wrote your post makes me wonder if there aren't some communication issues going on too. Maybe I'm off base, but I got that impression from what you wrote. It's fine to be annoyed by little habits, that is bound to happen, but the real test is whether or not you can be honest with your FI about how you are feeling. If you were, would he respond to that? Would he try to do what he could to make you more comfortable?

I'm not going to pretend that my FI and I haven't had to adjust to each other, but we had long talks before we ever moved in about how to divide up the housework/financial responsibilities, etc. That really helped.

MissMolly · June 2013

MrsMack10612 said:

Do this NOW. You want it to happen before it gets to be more routine for him to do the bare minimum and you start to resent it. I think you said it's only been a week. Now is the time to set up good habits.

As for the sleep; go to bed without him. That's ok. You need your sleep. If he snores, and you go to bed and fall asleep first, it is less likely to wake you up.

As for couple time; set aside one Friday or Saturday night a week for date night. We plan something and see where the night takes us. Not that we're limiting ourselves to once/week, but this gives a set time where it's just us and we can reconnect and see what happens.

Good idea, Mrs. Mack (about the date night, that is). I will also mention that to him. I'm a fairly light sleeper, and have woken up in the middle of the night to snores. I do have earplugs though, that I wear if needed.

MissMolly · June 2013

misssunshine17 said:

Go to bed when you're tired, honestly. I don't see how this isn't common sense. If you go to bed a couple hours before him, you'll probably sleep better because you'll be in a deep sleep by the time he starts snoring.

Try having sex when you get home for work. I don't like before bed either.

I would love to go to bed when I'm tired, and I agree, this is 100% common sense. But, living alone, and having a house and yard to keep, a wedding to plan, boot camp to do twice a week, plus all the things that come up, leaves me with little chance of "me" time, and therefore little chance to going to bed early. I try my best, but it just doesn't happen. If I go to bed a couple hours before him, it would be 9pm, when I get my second wind. I did mention the sex thing to him though, and suggested that we find other times during the day for this to take place.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

@Alesha1978 - My H can snore like the dickens and he has woken me up before (and I him upon occasion). I do find that going to bed first helps. I've thought about trying earplugs, but then I worry I won't hear my alarm clock.

I also find that sometimes just rubbing his back or giving him a light touch is enough to stop it. It certainly doesn't wake him up, but it's just enough.

There will be growing pains as you learn to live with each other. The important thing is to sort everything out ahead of time (who does what, how chores/finances are handled etc.) and then learn how to cope/compromise with all those little habits that could cause resentment if you don't discuss them.

krizzo17 · June 2013

Two words: Ear plugs. I realize there's a lot more going on in your post, but as a super light sleeper myself, I can't recommend these enough. I get mine at CVS or Target and wear them every single night. Once you're no longer tired, then address the rest of what's going on here - doing it on little to know sleep will only make you more emotional.

And these things take time, too. I'd say it took a good 2 months for H and I to get into a routine of living together, even though we were together for 5 years before that.

MissMolly · June 2013

LingerLonger1 said:

Okay but he should be doing things at his own house as well. He lives with you now, not her, so he needs to start picking up some of his slack.

I'm glad you're going to talk to him. I know you've had some trouble standing up for yourself in the past (I'm thinking of the thread with your family disagreeing about him moving in when I say that), but please try not to let that come to play during this conversation (I can already see this affecting your relationship). You need a partner, not a man-child, and the only way to get that will be to stand firm on your needs.

FWIW you are NOT a bad partner. You two are in a transitional period. Over time you'll either find ways to work together as a team or you will find that this is not the partner you've been hoping for and will be able to move on. Don't allow yourself to take all the blame. In fact it sounds like you're doing everything you can to remedy the situation.

Oh boy, I hope those issues don't affect our relationship! Thank-you for mentioning that, as I hadn't thought of that, and may have been acting in a subconscious way to create a situation like that. I will be more aware of it in the future. And I will definitely be talking to him about things this weekend, as we need to get some stuff hammered out very soon.

Someone above had mentioned something about miscommunications between us, and to be honest, there have been some. For some reason, both of us seem to remember situations and things that were said, differently. I don't know if this is just the difference between men's and women's minds, but it can get frustrating, and I usually end up feeling crazy, like maybe I remembered wrong. However, I do remember him telling me that to do a destination wedding, his Mom wouldn't fly, and his sister couldn't fly. This was a no-brainer, and so we planned a wedding at home. Then, it came out that they actually would've come with us (yes, I was angry about this), and now he says that his Mom would've come, but not his sister. I don't know who would've come or not, but things like this get super-dooper aggravating.

And now I'm rambling in my sleepy state, so I'll stop now!

KDM323 · June 2013

I really think it will be a good idea to sit down and discuss who is going to be responsible for what household chores between the two of you.

If you cook....he does the dishes. If you vacuum, he can run a load of laundry.

Have the conversation now before you wind up in a lifetime of the house being YOUR responsibility and you find yourself resentful.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

I agree with Linger on the miscommunication. H & I have been together for 12+ years. We have regular (and sometimes scary) moments of "mind-reading", however; there are times when we will have a conversation, regroup about it later and he remembers the conclusion one way and I another. It is absolutely because we heard/interpreted things differently. Luckily it has never been on a major issue and easily resolved.

If you guys are having more of an issue with that, I think it's a good time to employ that old standard of repeating back what you hear and work out any clarification if what you/he are saying is not what the other is hearing. (I hope that makes sense)

MissMolly · June 2013

MrsMack10612 said:

I agree with Linger on the miscommunication. H & I have been together for 12+ years. We have regular (and sometimes scary) moments of "mind-reading", however; there are times when we will have a conversation, regroup about it later and he remembers the conclusion one way and I another. It is absolutely because we heard/interpreted things differently. Luckily it has never been on a major issue and easily resolved.

If you guys are having more of an issue with that, I think it's a good time to employ that old standard of repeating back what you hear and work out any clarification if what you/he are saying is not what the other is hearing. (I hope that makes sense)

I agree with her on that point as well.

Second bolding: I actually had mentioned doing this to FH awhile ago, and he said that he would find doing this to be demeaning to one's character, and leaving that person feeling like a child. I think it might help as well, as we're obviously hearing different things when conversations happen.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

That is a pretty well tested method of improving communication. It's not something you have to do forever, just another you learn better understand each other. There is nothing demeaning about ensuring you are understanding each other.

Moving in together has now added another level to your relationship where communication is key. If you can get him to try it, at least for a month or two while you get through the transition period, I'm sure it will do wonders for your relationship.

OjitosVerdes · June 2013

You've gotten some great advice here, and I'm glad you two are going to sit down and hammer things out.

There are a couple things in your posts that made my spidey sense tingle a little bit. The first is the overall tone and you feeling like you need to be the better partner, when all evidence points to your FI needing to get his act together. Where do you think that feeling comes from?

The second is that you regularly come away from conversations feeling like the "crazy" one. I don't want to jump to conclusions and all I can go off of is what you've posted here, but changing/twisting stories to make one's partner doubt their memory/sanity is a classic sign of emotional abuse. As Linger said, it has NOTHING to do with gender or how our brains are wired. Do conversations with your FI frequently end that way?

I'm sorry you're so drained and hope you have a productive conversation with your FI. Moving in with mine was a huge adjustment too, so I empathize with you, but the OPs are right that you need to nip these issues in the bud asap.

Edited for typos.

MissMolly · June 2013

Linger and Mrs. Mack, I agree with you entirely. I have no issues at all with this method of communication, and think that it would help us to understand each other a little better.

As for the housework and yard work, I've told him that I absolutely cannot do it all anymore, and that I need his help. He said last night that he understands, doesn't expect me to do it all, and has no problem helping out. The thing is that we're different when it comes to levels of cleanliness and organization. My home's central area comprises the living room, dining room, and kitchen. You can see 100% of all of these rooms no matter which one you're in, and I like them to be clean. He doesn't seem to notice large piles of dishes in the kitchen while he's facebooking in the living room. My one dog ate a carrot one night, and was sick on the side of her bed. The vomit was bright orange, and he didn't notice it. Granted, nor did I right away, and don't know when it happened, but once noticed, I stopped what I was doing, gave the furball a hug, and took her bed to the washing machine. Prior to this, he had gone over to look at her bed, but didn't take any action. To be fair again, he just moved in, and doesn't know the way my home is run. He's been asking, and has taken some initiative, but stuff like the dog bed, to me, is common sense. It needed to be washed.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

Your second paragraph is all about the transition period.

I will caution you though - step away from things like "my home". If you keep that mind set (and it will take time to get used to not thinking that way) he may start to resent it.

Even though we're married, technically H owns our condo. My name is not on the deed or the mortgage. He bought it before we met and had a bitch of time during the buyout from his ex-GF. I always told him, until we bought a place together (and before engagment/marriage) that it was HIS HOUSE, but OUR HOME.

You don't want your FI feeling like he's invaded your space, even if for now it feels that way to you. You need to work on making OUR space.

MissMolly · June 2013

Okay, cool, thanks for that, Linger! I'm well aware that I'm a neat freak, and need to tone it down a couple notches. I'm hoping that he can pick his up a couple notches, and we can meet in the middle. I'll talk to him this weekend, and see how that goes. He's one of the most open-minded people I know, so I think this will be a positive thing. I also know that things will start to look up when I get more shut-eye. When a person is wiped out, mountains can be made out of molehills very easily.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

I'm a little late here, but have you ever thought of pre-marital counseling? Maybe having a neutral party hear you both out and learning some communication tools would benefit you both. (Also, I would keep seeing your counselor independently of that if you do it.)

Sure there's an adjustment period when you move in together, but you need to make your expectations clear and stand your ground on them. Just a guess but since he was living with his mom (at 43 y/o), did she pick up after him and not require him to contribute much? If so, he's probably not going to change at this point in his life unless HE wants to.

Are you certain you want to marry this man? What if nothing changes? Or do you think it'd be wise to push the wedding back until you have more of this stuff worked out? Obviously it'd be a huge inconvenience, but I can assure you it'll be less of one than realizing several years into it that nothing's changed, you've been living in stress in an unequal partnership, and you want/need out.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

I hope your talks go well this weekend. I would take sometime to write down what your expectations of him are, that way you can have clear notes and there can be less misunderstanding.

Get some sleep too! You are no good to anyone if you're overtired.

manateehugger · June 2013

OP, I'm reading Linger's advice, and others, and nodding my head. Please take her advice to heart.

MissMolly · June 2013

MrsMack10612 said:

Your second paragraph is all about the transition period.

I will caution you though - step away from things like "my home". If you keep that mind set (and it will take time to get used to not thinking that way) he may start to resent it.

Even though we're married, technically H owns our condo. My name is not on the deed or the mortgage. He bought it before we met and had a bitch of time during the buyout from his ex-GF. I always told him, until we bought a place together (and before engagment/marriage) that it was HIS HOUSE, but OUR HOME.

You don't want your FI feeling like he's invaded your space, even if for now it feels that way to you. You need to work on making OUR space.

You bet, and I do make a conscious effort to make sure I refer to it as our place. I guess I just didn't do that here...whoops! :-s But yes, we've agreed on the same thing: the home is mine, and will stay that way. He doesn't want his name on the deed, but we will be buying a home together in the next couple years.

MissMolly · June 2013

OjitosVerdes said:

You've gotten some great advice here, and I'm glad you two are going to sit down and hammer things out.

There are a couple things in your posts that made my spidey sense tingle a little bit. The first is the overall tone and you feeling like you need to be the better partner, when all evidence points to your FI needing to get his act together. Where do you think that feeling comes from?

The second is that you regularly come away from conversations feeling like the "crazy" one. I don't want to jump to conclusions and all I can go off of is what you've posted here, but changing/twisting stories to make one's partner doubt their memory/sanity is a classic sign of emotional abuse. As Linger said, it has NOTHING to do with gender or how our brains are wired. Do conversations with your FI frequently end that way?

I'm sorry you're so drained and hope you have a productive conversation with your FI. Moving in with mine was a huge adjustment too, so I empathize with you, but the OPs are right that you need to nip these issues in the bud asap.

Edited for typos.

1. Good question... I think that in all of my previous relationships, whenever there were issues, it was usually me bringing them to light. In many cases, the issue, I was told, was something that I needed to learn to deal with. This might be a case of falling into old (and unhealthy) patterns. Personally, I think this is something that we both need to work on. He needs to do a little more, and I need to take it down a couple notches, and realize that things don't have to be perfect. I also need to voice what I need from him.

2. Sometimes, yes. FH is an incredibly bright man (2 masters, doctorate, post-doctorate), and there are times when my technical-college-certificate-mind feels a little inferior. I realize this is my own projection, and he has said that I should never feel that way. However, yes, there are times when I do think that maybe I don't remember things quite the way they happened.

Danke for the reply (I clicked on the "love it" button), and Linger, I clicked that on your reply to OjitosVerdes as well.

pesematology · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

I [...] had been conditioning my body to go on less sleep [...]

What does this even mean? Whatever it is, it sounds like a bad idea.

Alesha1978 said:

I had requested that we do this well before moving in; it just never really happened in-depth.

This is a HUGE red flag. Someone who passively puts off important conversations or can't verbalize their expectations is not ready to be married. You asked him and he still didn't make it a priority. I would go to couples counseling just for this.

bwils35 · June 2013

@alesha1978 - I didn't read through everything everyone else had posted because I missed the entire thread but wanted to add my 2 cents. If someone has already said this I apologize.

When FI and first moved in he was working but it was straightforward 9-5 real laid back. I was starting grad school and at school for 9-12 hours a day with a 45 minute commute each way. FI had come from a family where his mom/grandmom did everything (laundry/beds/meals - I mean EVERYTHING). When we moved in together - it just didn't click that he needed to start helping out.

I was the complete opposite. I was used to making a majority of the meals with my mother, all my own laundry, a majority of the cleaning (but not being in grad school offered me more time).

We just sat down and talked about it. I vocalized that I just needed more help from him and we divided up a lot of chores. For example - I hate taking the trash out, and I refuse to let him do the laundry. So he always takes out trash and I always wash the clothes and he folds them.

He really just wasn't...aware. It wasn't that he was lazy or not doing other stuff, and while I don't think you should have to spell it out, sometimes you have to point out a little bit that you need help. Now everything is great - we split cooking dinners about 50-50 (usually whoever is home first). He does a majority of the vacuuming/yard work/major dishes after dinner. While I do all the loading into dishwasher/counter tops/putting stuff away.

libby2483 · June 2013

PPs have already covered the importance of communication, which is absolutely essential to a strong relationship. I just wanted to add my perspective about the cleaning and the housework. I, like you, am someone who likes things clean and organized. I knew that when H and I moved in together, I would need to tone down my expectations somewhat, which I worked to do. However, I also made it clear to H that housework would be a joint effort. We have what we call "man jobs" and "lady jobs" (just weird titles we made up because we're goofy). Man jobs include: cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, mowing lawn/shoveling snow and other yard work, and emptying/changing litter boxes every two weeks. Lady jobs include: dusting, cleaning kitchen, laundry, and scooping out litter boxes daily. We usually cook and do dishes together. We clean the house once a week (usually Saturday mornings). I don't have to nag him or ask him to help with cleaning because he just does the same jobs every week and knows they have to get done. This has seriously been one of the things that has made our relationship stronger, because we share responsibilities and neither one of us feels overwhelmed or resentful that the other isn't helping.

pesematology · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

However, yes, there are times when I do think that maybe I don't remember things quite the way they happened.

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/

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