Mother isn't coming to my wedding

alex116125 · June 2013

This is my first time reaching out but I could use some advice, to start off I am marrying my FI in 2 1/2 weeks. It's getting really close and I'm extremely excited.
He has a very large family and I only have a few. Most of my family was originally not coming to my wedding, just mom sister and aunt and now my mother, who was going to walk me down the aisle is not coming.
Backstory on her she is Bi-polar and I have been dealing with that throughout my life, she is now not talking to me, hasn't really been supportive at all throughout my planning or anything. My sister also isn't coming now.
My question is has anyone else gone through this, do I keep trying or is enough enough with crying over everything? Is it ok if I walk myself down the aisle?

LAM524 · June 2013

First let me say Congrats and best wishes!!! Because you mentioned Moms Bi-polar as a "back story" I am assuming it is because of her illness that she hasn't been supportive and currently isn't attending your wedding. Im sorry that she suffers with this and Im positive that she does love you, even when her behavior may make it appear otherwise. She would probably give almost anything to not be ill and to take away all the disappointments and hurts.

Not minimizing the importance of your wedding day, Im sure this isnt the first time her illness has hurt you. Im so sorry you have had a lifetime of dealing with it. You have 2.5 weeks yet, maybe she will change her mind.

Dealing with someone who is Bi-polar is extremely difficult whether they are on medication or not and we just have to appreciate them when we can have them....and love them the most when we can't....when they are emotionally unavailable. You didnt indicate why she isnt attending but Im curious if her being in the "spotlight" as she walks you down the aisle has anything to do with it. If shes experiencing "lows," all the attention may be too much for her to think about right now or handle on the wedding day. Either way, you can absolutely walk by yourself. Lots of brides do!

Since she is not speaking to you, you may want to reach out one final time. Send her a letter expresses how much you love her and how much it means to you to have her in attendance. Tell her why its important and tell her that her place will be hers if she should change her mind. If she isnt feeling up to walking you down the aisle, let her know that its ok. Given the choice, Im sure you would rather her in attendance. Be careful not to finger point and set her off into a defensive mode. Her wall will rise and then she will have further "reason" not to attend. Send the letter with a prayer, love and a clean motive then let it go knowing you did all you could do.

Its hard to say not to cry over it anymore, hurt is hurt. Try to re-focus. You are getting married! Yahoo! Every time your mind shifts to the who or why nots, replace those thoughts with the "who"...your fiance...and the "why"...all the reason you love one another! The mind is a battle field and you can fight it and win!! Don't let anyone, or an illness, have the power to take from your magnificent celebration or the importance of your day. You deserve peace and joy. Own it.

I do truly hope for your mom's sake that she does change her mind. If her illness is why she isnt going, then when she feels better, she will have a huge painful regret. Something you may have to forgive her for and reassure her of your understanding. As for you, if she doesnt attend, you still get to marry the man of your dreams and live happily ever after!

Again, because you were vague in your post, I am just going on assumption so forgive me if Im wrong. No disrespect or offense intended.

kryan32 · June 2013

Alex - it's totally okay for you to walk down the aisle by yourself or for you and FI to walk down together.

It's so tough to deal with mental health issues - my mom is bpd and my first husband was bi-polar, so i know where you're coming from.

Remind yourself that you choose to be healthy and have a happy healthy relationship with your FI - you don't have to carry your family's baggage and you don't have to feel guilty about not doing so.

Hugs,

Kim

AddieCake · June 2013

My mother was bi-polar as well, and I never knew when she would or wouldn't be speaking to me for weeks, months, sometimes a year at a time. It was very difficult, but eventually I just had to accept it and I also eventually told her I would not allow her in my life if some of her behavior didn't change. I will be forever grateful that we were on speaking terms when she passed away, but I also know that if we weren't, it would not have been through any fault of my own.

I would try to reach out to her one final time and then just let what happens happen. Hopefully she will change her mind, but if she doesn't, know that it is not your fault and that there is nothing you could have done differently.

Yes, it's fine for you to walk yourself down the aisle if she doesn't show up.

thejucheidea · June 2013

Maybe I'm being a sensitive manic depressive person, but nice generalizing all bipolar people there in your post, @LAM2228. 'Dealing with someone who is Bi-polar is extremely difficult', really?

LAM524 · June 2013

ahstillwell said:

Maybe I'm being a sensitive manic depressive person, but nice generalizing all bipolar people there in your post, @LAM2228. 'Dealing with someone who is Bi-polar is extremely difficult', really?

Yes really..as evidenced in this thread. I am also speaking from my personal and professional experience. I will point out however that I said "someone" and last I knew someone doesnt mean everyone.

alex116125 · June 2013

Thank you to everyone for all of the advice, it's nice to know others know how I feel.

I'm sorry I didn't give a lot of back story, my mother is bi-polar and has been her entire life. She is also manic and it truly is hard to deal with it because I feel as if I do everything and the one moment I can't do something she wants I'm the worst person to her. Most of my family has splintered due to all of the family issues, yet my fiancées family is amazing and has been extremely supportive.
I did reach out and now if she would like to come its up to her.

I do agree that it can be tough to have a family member that is bipolar because of never knowing which side you will see and if what you do will effect that.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the support it helps a lot.

thejucheidea · June 2013

LAM2228 said:

ahstillwell said:

Maybe I'm being a sensitive manic depressive person, but nice generalizing all bipolar people there in your post, @LAM2228. 'Dealing with someone who is Bi-polar is extremely difficult', really?
Yes really..as evidenced in this thread. I am also speaking from my personal and professional experience. I will point out however that I said "someone" and last I knew someone doesnt mean everyone.

'Someone' is also a synonym for 'people', and the way my fiance and I read it was 'people with bipolar disorder are hard to deal with', not 'I have a specific loved one who I know is difficult to deal with when experiencing the highs and lows of bipolar disorder', unlike the other posters who said that their moms and first husband were specifically hard to deal with.

My dad and I take our medication, regularly visit our therapists and keep in close contact with our psychiatrists, and we regularly have people who are stunned that either of us have a serious mental illness. We have episodes of mania or depression on the rare occasion, but if we feel like something is off, we get professional help. There are manic depressives out there who have a pretty firm grasp on our disease, and seeing people who in my mind are generalizing and saying that my disease is a bad thing that makes me, my dad and my fellow sufferers intolerable quite honestly pisses me off.

ChiGirl2013 · June 2013

I really don't think that additional bickering is helping any, so if you guys want to continue your argument over semantics, maybe it would be best to do so off the board so you don't make alex feel any worse than she already does. She came here for support and advice, not to hear 2 people fight about the definition of "someone."

Alex, I can sympathize with you. I also have bipolar people in my immediate family and yes - it can be incredibly stressful for me to be around them and interact with them because of the mood changes. I actually see them as 2 different people - the person I know and love, and "the monster." The Monster is the person I see when the bipolar disorder is out of control and they are incapable of acting rationally. It's not their fault because bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance. They can't help it any more than a diabetic can help the fact that their bodies have trouble producing/using insulin. It seems to me that your mom's "monster" is the one doing the talking right now. From my experience, you can't rationalize with the monster, you just have to wait it out. Hopefully, she will come around and get back to her normal self in time for your wedding. If that's what you want, I wish that for you more than anything.

As for a parent not attending your wedding, my father opted not to attend, and he's not even bipolar. He just didn't want to come. Yes, there were tears on my part because I didn't understand how a FATHER could CHOOSE not to attend his own daughter's wedding. We haven't had the best relationship but I figured that on the most important day of my life, he'd want to be there. Nope. I finally decided to dry my tears and tell myself that if he didn't care about me, he wasn't worth my tears in the first place. My uncle, who has always been more of a father to me than my biological father, walked me down the aisle and we had an amazing wedding day! I didn't think of my bio dad at all that day, even though I was sure it would absolutely ruin my day.

The thing to remember is that no matter who walks you down the aisle or who is there to witness your marriage, you are marrying the love of your life. HE will always be at your side through good times and bad and give you everything your fractured family hasn't been able to for whatever reason. HE will be your rock from now on and you will never be adrift in stormy seas all alone again. Focus on THAT and make your wedding day the best day of your life!

VarunaTT · June 2013

ChiGirl2013 said:

...maybe it would be best to do so off the board...

Oh hell no! You stay on this board and argue.

ChiGirl2013 · June 2013

VarunaTT said:

ChiGirl2013 said:

...maybe it would be best to do so off the board...

Oh hell no! You stay on this board and argue.

Oh, I LOVE me some arguing, don't get me wrong! lol There are just certain subject matters that I feel are a bit too sensitive for bashing, and I think a mentally ill mother causing problems 2.5 weeks away from a wedding is one of them. Must be the social worker in me. (Or the fact that I spent the 3 weeks before my wedding curled in a ball due to migraines caused by my crazy family. Yeah, that could be it too.) Now, get me going on people not bothering to RSVP, my psycho wedding coordinator who stole money from us and then proceeded to call me names, the Whoredashians, or just about anything else and I'd be happy to sit here all day and argue. ;-)

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

alex116125 · June 2013

My sister was living with my mother and then decided to run away from her. She is 16 and now with social services I'm trying to get her to come yet the social worker is having issues with not being able to run background checks on all of the people going to be there.

My mother is upset because she believes that everything that goes wrong in her life is my fault. It's the manic part of her she has been extremely manic lately. Although I have been trying to support her financially she was upset because I wasn't able to give her money for something frivolous instead of bills and blew it out of proportion and said a lot of hurtful things to me and now isn't coming.

Thank you to everyone here and your support. I am happy to have my fiancée at my side as my rock and I'm excited for my friends who will be at the wedding, they are my family and my new family that I will be joining.

LAM524 · June 2013

Awwww...Alex116125...my thoughts & prayers are with you. ((hugs))

Mother isn't coming to my wedding

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