In laws. please. please help.

Re: In laws. please. please help.

• phira member

  

  June 2013

  Get your fiance on the same page and make him deal with his obnoxious family. Retread has it absolutely right, too: it's time for him to prioritize YOUR feelings now, and not his parents' or sister's or sister-in-law's feelings!

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with Retread: If you weren't close to them, you shouldn't have asked them, because now you can't unask them.  You had already seen what they were like.
  
  At this point, you do need to get your fiance to back you up and put an end to this crap.  Don't talk about your wedding in the presence of your FSILs any more than you need to, and if they start in on you, since nothing you can say or do is going to make friends of them, by all means, tell them to shut up. 

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• zitiqueen member

  

  June 2013

  Ciocie said:

  Without too much long-winded backstory. His family used to hate on his brother's gf (now wife). After the wedding, his sister and the new FSIL just can't get enough of each other and are always posting how they LOVE each other so much. Oh, and they hate on me now. So to try and fit in, I asked them both to be in the wedding, and I can't help but feel left out of my own dang bridal party. I have come to realize that not only am I intimidated by their relationship, that I'm a jealous that I was replaced and removed. 

  
  

  At one point there was talk that sister would drop out of wedding if X did not happen. FSIL wanted to stir the pot by asking why we didn't include the parents' names on our invites.(presumably to run back to FMIL with dirt.) She is constantly putting down what I do, compared to her AMAZZINGGG wedding. I just had my shower and beforehand, I admitted to her that I was nervous to be around everyone... her response... "nobody bites". Laughable. 

  
  

  Well she did, she and his sister sat around making snarky comments thru the whole thing. Including how the gag gift of hand made matching lingerie mailed in from my beloved, ridiculous aunt was "inappropriate" and "disgusting" over and over and over. FSIL pulled my MOH aside within earshot of me and was antagonizing her over plans for rehearsal (which MOH has no clue about) and making condescending comments. Come to find out I inadvertently left her off of an email to our wedding party -- so I apologize, to which I get some long reply about how rude and disrespectful I am, and she shouldn't have expected anything less. How she's not sure why she and her hubs (the freaking best man) were asked to be a part of it when we haven't included (?) them in anything. That our planning sucks and that we need to realize this is a wedding, not a birthday party. 

  
  

  Latest, all the planning I've been doing for the rehearsal has been canceled to accommodate the FSIL and the best man. (despite my prefacing plans with being extremely informal, please don't worry about coming in early from out of town, as the only day the venue could give was 4 days before the wedding itself.) I told FI to please take it over, because I'm done. Everything I do is freaking wrong. 

  
  

   PLEASE help me with HOW I can possibly get thru the next 55 days, and focus on the happiest day of my life, with all this drama. Particularly, wanting to stress-vomit when I think of FSILs at my side. 

  
  Sounds like they're behaving the way they've always behaved towards you.

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• runpipparun member

  

  June 2013

  I also read your other posts, and I agree with @RetreadBride. I urge you to straighten this situation out before you say, "I do," because it sounds like you are really unhappy. I know that there are some women who fit really well into families with really overbearing in-laws, but I am not one of them, and it sounds like you are not either. You need to communicate with him what you want out of your marriage and find out where his priorities lie --- your happiness (meaning he's willing to get some counseling and change years of habits) or his mom and sister's happiness (because he can't rock the boat). Even if you love him, it won't work if our priorities are not the same.

  

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• [Deleted User]

  

  June 2013

  Thanks for the feedback. The first wedding in the fam, the little sister was not asked to be in the WP and everyone FREAKED out. So I wanted to avoid that situation, and include everyone. I think drama was inevitable with either decision. FI is reluctant to get into counseling, he thinks I just need to talk to him more so he can help me. I'm still going to press it, because I admit I bottle things up, but step 2 (action from him) is still missing. 

  
  

  With that in mind, any suggestions to "calm the storm". I have ignored the nasty comments, and want badly to put my foot down. FI says no matter what I say, or how politely, it will only fuel the fire. Do I really roll over? Do I expect him to be address it through his brother? What in the world do I do next time I see her? (..likely the rehearsal - we live out of state.. ) FI seems to think everyone will play nice next time...... I don't know if I'm up for that.... admittedly so, I have a hard time letting go of my feelings. 

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  June 2013

  You nee to listen to Retread.  Like, now.  

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• banana468 member

  

  June 2013

  Ditto Retread.   If your FI doesn't start to do something now, he won't.   Ever.

  
  

  And you're going to be the person venting to him about his family and he'll say, "Honey, I understand but you can't change them."

  
  

  
  

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• runpipparun member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  I think the idea that he wants you to "keep the peace" is telling. He is prioritizing harmony in his family over your feelings and concerns. That comes from years of being made a doormat. (My FI is the same way. He spent years trimming the lawn with handclippers to the point where his hands bled because it meant avoiding a whining, moaning, and guilt-tripping fit from his mom. I mean, that's sick.) The unfortunate thing is, that sort of habit doesn't just... go away. It takes a willingness to accept that attitude as a problem ("I'm a doormat to my family and I can't be anymore") and work to change it (whether that be counseling or self-help books or whatever).

  
  

  My advice: I wouldn't marry this man until the problem is addressed.

  
  

  ETA: typos

  

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• MissMolly member

  

  June 2013

  runpipparun said:

  I think the idea that he wants you to "keep the peace" is telling. He is prioritizing harmony in his family over your feelings and concerns. That comes from years of being made a doormat. (My FI is the same way. He spent years trimming the lawn with handclippers to the point where his hands bled because it meant avoiding a whining, moaning, and guilt-tripping fit from his mom. I mean, that's sick.) The unfortunate thing is, that sort of habit doesn't just... go away. It takes a willingness to accept that attitude as a problem ("I'm a doormat to my family and I can't be anymore") and work to change it (whether that be counseling or self-help books or whatever).

  
  

  My advice: I wouldn't marry this man until the problem is addressed.

  
  

  ETA: typos

  Ditto!
  

  

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• Latham101114 member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with everyone! Take a step back and hold your FI accountable. This wedding is about YOUR relationship with him not your relationship with FMIL, FSIL, FBIL, etc etc... and your FI. I know it sucks and you may not want to put things on hold but this is a day that begins a new life and relationship. It is not the end, it is not the changing point... Therapy or counseling with your FI should seriously be considered because his treatment (or lack there of) is making you sick!
  
  Good luck
  

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