Invitation Dilemma / Family Drama!

Danntom2013 · June 2013

My partner and I are getting married in July. The week after we sent the invitations, my partner's sister died. At the funeral he found out that his family had decided to "bring closure" to their grieving by ALL of them coming to our wedding (we had only invited his siblings). We are now looking at 20-30 extra guests (@ $150/head). They had already made their travel plans before they mentioned anything to my partner.

I don't know some of these people. My partner doesn't know some of them (the count includes boyfriends, girlfriends and people who just want to come to Maryland). This is not a same-sex wedding issue, but it is a delicate one, as my partner's family is still grieving, so it is not like picking up the phone and saying "The invitations said +1 not +the entire family".

Should we suck it up and max out the credit cards to cover the extra guests?

aphrodite0869 · June 2013

This is a hard situation. You shouldn't max out your credit card for the wedding if that is not what you want. You should just politely tell them you understand they are going through a hard time but you can't accommodate everyone. If you sent the invitations out with the persons name with a plus one, it is kind of rude of those others to invite themselves to your wedding without asking no matter what they are going through. Just be sensitive to their feelings but stand your ground, I hope everything works out and I'm sorry for your loss

courtneythesquid · June 2013

I really can't believe people would be so presumptuous. I would start by having FI talk to his close family and siblings- how did people get the idea that they were invited to the wedding? I'm thinking there is no way this many people figured they were invited wihout somebody suggsting they would be. Or did they just decide to have a get together that corresponded with some people alread being gathered for your wedding, but people understand that they are not invited to the ceremony?

If there is a family member who talked as if the whole gang was invited, I would explain to this person the bind they have put you in, and ask if they are planning to pull out their wallet and cover the extra guests. If not, that person should be the one to pick up the phone and make the difficult phone calls.

One thing you might consider if you are the ones stuck making those calls- have your FI politely explain that your wedding is not an informal barbecue where it is the more the merrier, that it is a plated dinner and unfortunately you therefore cannot add additional guests. But if you are able, you might consider making your rehearsal dinner (or another dinner) an informal gathering (barbecue, potluck, etc.) where it might be possible to accomodate everyone. That way you are very graciously facilitating the wishes of everyone to get together, even if it cannot be at your wedding.

PhoneCardLady · June 2013

Sounds like you need to have security at the door to escort those who are not invited or try to crash your wedding reception.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

Ditto PPs. It's not your job to have your wedding to double as your partner's family's "closure" event. While it's tragic that your partner's sister passed away (and I'm inferring from your post she was young and/or it was unexpected), it's not on you to go into debt to make this into a memorial service.

Your partner needs to find out whose idea this was, and get that person to call the rest of the family and explain why this isn't going to happen. Barring that, you need to find a way to only admit those people who *ARE* invited to the reception into the venue -- whether that's valet cards for parking, or having a day-of coordinator to check names, or doing assigned seating (more than just assigned tables).

I am so sorry for your partner's loss, and for the fact that you're now in this position.

Danntom2013 · June 2013

Thank you for your input. Here's how it all worked out:

My partner called his oldest brother as it was his brother's idea (brother (my future BIL) is patriarch of family). By this time the count was growing (no thanks to Facebook). Partner just laid down the law: "He who has the checkbook has the final say!'. BIL fully empathized with him (he reminded my partner that he had had to pay for two daughters' weddings). BIL thought that the crowd was getting too big and is going to tell people to stay back home and we'll Skype from the wedding.

So, of the huge crowd that I feared would descend on the wedding, only 3 will actually attend the wedding. The others (probably 10) will go to Washington DC to play tourist that day. We are having a big beach (BYOB) party the day before and a pub crawl the evening after the reception. I didn't care who came to those as everyone was paying their own way for those things!

We all agreed that we will have a toast to my partner's late sister at the pub crawl (she was a party person) and a handsome donation will be made to the charity we listed in lieu of a registry. BIL is going to tell those coming to Maryland to donate.

My budget is saved and people are fine with the outcome. Win-win

Let's see what tomorrow's crisis will be.

My partner joked that dealing with wedding drama is an unexpected side effect of the acceptance of same sex marriages! :-)

Thanks again!

Invitation Dilemma / Family Drama!

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