Not sure what to do about my mom

Lockwood8987 · June 2013

I am getting married in the first week of September 2013. I am very close to my father, he is my best friend and we are both a like and have very happy personalities. My mother on the other hand hates me, she doesn't want anything to do with me or anything regarding my life. She hates my soon to be husband and treats us like we are scum. She has very bad depression and bi-polar and I don't want her to go to my wedding. This is the happiest day of my life and this is the day I will marry my best friend and I want it to be happy. She doesn't even like me but she says she is going to go because she doesn't want to look bad. She wants to keep face with everyone in the family and she knows that if she doesn't go it will look poorly on her. I just simply don't want her to go. I have tried to pursued her into not going and sometimes she acts like she isnt going to go but I am not sure. How can I not invite my mother? I know that sounds terrible. It would be a different story if we weren't close and she wanted to go to build a relationship with me due to the fact that I am her daughter, but she is going for all the wrong reasons. She isn't going because I am her daughter, she is going to save herself scrutiny from everyone.

bethsmiles · June 2013

Can you just cut ties with her all together? If you have no interest in building a relationship with her then why keep in contact? Cut off your contact with her and don't send her an invite. You could hire some security to keep her out if you think she will try to come to your wedding even if you make it clear she is not welcome.

Lockwood8987 · June 2013

The wedding is in another state so she would have to fly. I told her that she shouldn't spend the money on it but I'm not sure if she will or not. I see her all the time just because I have to due to family situations but we don't really talk. The deal with her is if I tell her "I don't want you to come" she will flip and turn everything into this big mess and make me look like the bad guy. I just know that if she goes she will tell me I look ugly or I did everything wrong like she always does. She hasn't been a part of the planning and she doesn't care, she has verbally made it clear. She saw my dress and criticized everything about it. It is going to be a small wedding filled with just family and a very pleasant, relaxed, and calm day. She would only make me walk on egg shells and make things worse. I am hoping if I don't bring it up she just won't go. I feel like a terrible daughter but I know I'm not.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

@Lockwood if not inviting her is not an option then you just need to ignore anything and everything she says. You know how she is, so do not let her words hurt you in anyway. Also, don't talk to her about your wedding, she really does not need to know the details. As for the day of, I would again try to ignore her the best you can and only focus on the good and happy energy from the rest of your family. I am sure they all know how she is and if she acts out it will only make her look bad not you.

But I would really consider cutting her out of your life. She does not sound like someone you want to be around and it is horrible that it is your Mom but sometimes you have to trim the fat to make you a happier person.

MobKaz · June 2013

It is not clear whether your mom and dad are divorced. Is your mom "on her own"?

If your mom lives alone, it might be easiest to send an invitation. Leave the rest up to her. If she is not capable, or organized enough to make her travel and hotel arrangements, then you will be in the clear of her attending, and relieved of any guilt you may have felt by not inviting her.

If your wedding day is a family only event, then surely they are aware of her medical and emotional issues. Is there any family still close with her that can assist in keeping her "in check" if she actually attends? Your mom says she "doesn't want to look bad" but surely the family is well aware of her attitudes. Does she have coherent moments where you might be able to explain to her that family feels it would be healthier for all concerned if she declines the day?

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

You have the option of not inviting her to the event. If she has verbalized that she doesn't want to go and is only doing so to "save face" with family, let her know whatever excuse she comes up with to not attend, you will support her 100% and it's probably best for both of you if she's not there.

If you decide to invite her, just treat her like any other guest. But be warned family may think it's weirder if she is there and doesn't participate in normal MOB stuff... like the MOG is part of the processional, but the MOB isn't and MOB is not involved in "family" photos...KWIM?

SnowWhiteMontreal · June 2013

I'd prefer to have the drama of not inviting her than seeing her trying to ruin the most important day of my life. As the others said, your family probably knows how she really is and will probably be relieved that she is not attending.

jackman36 · June 2013

RetreadBride - how gauche is it to call her agreeably sad mother a " birth sack", yikes! Other than that, I totally agree with your assessment!

NYCMercedes · June 2013

That's kind of harsh, @retreadbride, as the woman is ill.

CarolinaHeart · June 2013

I'm sorry you have such a bad relationship with your mother OP.

It's an unfortunate situation and I can't say I know what's correct. But I would tell her she's not invited. Directly. And cut ties with her.

If people know your mother they won't think you are a bad guy. She is toxic. The fact that you even think that this could be your fault makes me think she has already damaged you emotionally.

Do yourself a favor. Cut this woman off and see a therapist.

kking1982 · June 2013

Don't invite her, don't talk to her about wedding details, and don't tell her where and when it is. If she brings up the wedding bean dip her just like you would anyone else trying to invite themselves to your wedding who you don't want there.

CarolinaHeart · June 2013

RetreadBride said:

NYUGirl, some "parents" are just that......birth sacks. Their "parenting" is limited to producing the child. The rest is outright abuse. These people are despicable individuals who do not deserve to be called mother and father, or respected as parents. They are NOT parents. They donated their DNA to the child, and that was all.

Your experience with your parents was obviously a typical parent-child relationship, and therefore you are incapable of understanding those who do not have this experience. You have been taught to respect parents, and that parents are always people who deserve to be respected.

Children with abusive parents are usually reminded by the abusive parent that "I'm your mother/father, and I birthed you. You owe me respect. After all I've done for you...." (Although that, of course, was really nothing at all). This will continue until the child finally says NO and removes themselves from the abuser's orbit.

People such as yourself make it more difficult for victims of child abuse to get away from abusers, with their constant questions and their, "but she is STILL your mother....." You don't get it, and you never will. You aren't capable of understanding.

This lady should get away from her abusive mother, or at least minimize contact with her as much as possible. The woman is toxic, and only seizes every possible opportunity to be with her daughter as another chance to heap on some more nastiness.

NYUGirl, people who have, on the other hand, done nothing to deserve a slight should of course be treated with proper deference. It's called being polite. There is a difference, and some of us do know what it is.

I agree with the overall message here but I think the way you said it is lacking in tact and class.

Also. If you start a sentence with "People like you..." it's probably going to be offensive.

Lockwood8987 · June 2013

I haven't discussed the wedding with her much. It is coming down to the wire and there is only 2 months left. She hasn't spoken to me about it and I am hoping it remains that way. I was going to ask her again this weekend if she intended on going and if she doesn't have an answer by now then she might as well not go. I might play the good card and tell her she should stay home because there is no one to watch her dogs, the cost of everything, she shouldn't miss work and hopefully that will sway her to stay here.

bessv04 · June 2013

That's a tough spot to be in. I'm getting married in August of next year and my mother is showing similar disinterest...which is the nice way of saying she's been a raging B and unsupported essentially everything we've done and plan on doing.

Even though she's trashing my wedding, saying the same things as your mother-that she's nervous about talking to other people at the wedding because everyone knows how people can judge-I'm still inviting her. Since she'll obviously not be a part of our wedding, she doesn't know how to talk to others about it and this has been hard. Often I wish I didn't have to worry about her part in all of this and not invite her.

That all said, my parents are split up and I'm not inviting my father or any of his family. To your point, I'm afraid if I dont invite my mother and say something about it to her face, it will all turn back on me and I'll look like the bad guy. I understand that completely. For me personally, at the end of the day, the frustration in having her attend our wedding (considering I dont talk to her or see her much) isn't much compared to having my whole family think I'm the bad guy. But that's just me.

Again, that was the call I made so you've got to weigh out for yourself if the grief is worth it. It is YOUR day and I don't know about you but NO ONE will be able to get me down on me and my fiancee's special day!

I'm making sure to surround myself with people that love and support me that day-any one else that feels differently can keep their distance.

Good luck!

Lockwood8987 · July 2013

Update:
Thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and it's nice to know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I just can't talk to her. This is my second marriage, I never had a wedding for the first one though. This is my fiance's first marriage and he is the first in his family to get married. His mom is being such an amazing help and always there when I need to talk. My parents are separated, they are too stubborn to just divorce. I gave my mom an invitation, what she plans to do with it is her business. I am not going to worry about it much anymore.

At our wedding I will be meeting about 99% of his family for the first time. I plan on focusing on that. I am trying to see it as my wedding and not a get together where I have to play host and make everyone happy. You can't make everyone happy, even as much as I would like to, but the fact of the matter is someone will hate the food, or drinks, or even the music we play. All I care about is the pictures lol. We are leaving that night to go on our honeymoon and that is the end of it. If she wants to go she can, I don't talk to her about the wedding and I don't bring it up around her. All I know is when I walk down the isle with my father if she is there then okay, but if she's not that is just fine too.

Once again thank you everyone for being so nice. I think I just needed to vent a little bit.

1FairMaiden · July 2013

Sorry if someone else already covered this, but seriously, I've just got to say, I absolutely hate it when controlling and/or crazy people (my Mom is one of those too!) do things to "save face." Your 50 shades of Cra Cra are going to come out at some point, and no one ever hides this nearly as well as they think they do.

If people spent as much time actually FIXING their relationships as they do trying to hide their issues, then they wouldn't have anything to cover up or hide in the first place. what your mother is doing is sick, and she's forcing HER illness and issues to become your problem.

This whole wedding planning thing is making that glaringly obvious to me as both of my parents have alienated me at different points and times in my life. They're both stuggling with how bad it's going to look that my Dad isn't going to walk me down the aisle, or that my Mom isn't involved in every aspect of my wedding planning. Who cares?

If you don't want your Mom to come to your wedding, don't let her, unless she shows a commitment of some sort to heal her relationship with you, and you're willing to meet her half way. I'm sick of worrying about what people think. It's stupid. People are going to think whatever they're going to think and you can't control it.

Sorry, maybe I'm just in a jaded mood right now, but seriously, people don't get to "fake" a closeness with me on my wedding day or any other day of my life. I'm not going to pretend to be happy in my relationship with people just to save THEM the embarrassment of having to face the crap that they did to me.

Not sure what to do about my mom

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