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The whole family in the bridal party...except..

squirrel2014squirrel2014 member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

This is my first time posting on here because I've really started wedding planning now (June 20, 2014). I have 6 bridesmaids (my sister, my best friend, another very close friend and my three SIL's) and my FI will have 6 groomsmen (his 2 brothers, my brother, and his three BIL's that are SO or husbands of his sisters).

So now to my question. My FI has 5 siblings and they are all in the wedding party, as well as their significant others. The only one who isn't is my FI's twin brother's girlfriend. They have been dating since 2009 (they tend to break up/get back together every six months). We always hang out with them as couples and I get along with her well, but I still preferred to have my close friends in the bridal party (and I am close with my SIL's). I just feel bad because the entire family is in the wedding party, except her. Do you guys have any suggestions (other than doing a reading - my mom and MIL are doing those) that could have her involved in some way in the wedding? My FI told me not to feel bad because I can have who I want in the bridal party. I just don't like conflict and feel like I'm leaving her out.

 

I'm glad I can ask these kind of questions on here, though I probably over explained that...sorry!

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Re: The whole family in the bridal party...except..

  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't worry about her. As long as she's invited to the RD (if you're having a rehearsal) and as long as she gets to sit with her boyfriend at dinner, she'll probably be fine. If you're closer to the other girls you shouldn't feel bad.

    Now, if it's a Catholic wedding and she's Catholic she could present the gifts.
    Or if you haven't asked them all yet, or only did so recently, your FI could have her stand on his side if he's close to her.
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  • AjulianaAjuliana member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    Lol @Nolabridealmost
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  • deannagirlydeannagirly member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    Perhaps you could have her do some day of action so that she feels involved? Maybe not attending the guest book, but she could help show people around or take phone calls from vendors for you or something else?
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  • easilyunamusedeasilyunamused member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why can't just the fact that she's a guest be enough? Not everyone has to be part of the WP. I wouldn't feel bad about not including her, and scrapping for a "job" probably won't make her feel excited to be a part of the wedding because of your "guilt".
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Please don't make her do any chores. Just let her sit and watch the wedding.
    Also, I assume you'll let her be in a few of the pictures (not every single family picture, but a few since she is the GMs SO). If you all go offsite for pictures you could extend the offer for her to come and watch if she wants (since she might not know anyone at the cocktail hour).
    Other than that, again assuming you let her sit with her boyfriend at dinner, she'll only really be alone during the ceremony and company isn't really needed for that anyway. She'll be fine.
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  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    deannagirly said:

    Perhaps you could have her do some day of action so that she feels involved? Maybe not attending the guest book, but she could help show people around or take phone calls from vendors for you or something else?

    I would not do this; you did the right thing by asking those closest to you, and I'm sure she will be happier attending as a guest free to enjoy her day.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    deannagirly said:
    Perhaps you could have her do some day of action so that she feels involved? Maybe not attending the guest book, but she could help show people around or take phone calls from vendors for you or something else?
    Please do not do this. Brides, if you need someone to do this, HIRE AND PAY someone to do it. It is not an honor to work for someone's wedding. Do not create "jobs" for people to make them feel included. It doesn't. I was once the cake cutter for a friend's wedding b/c she thought it "included" me. It sucked. Not everyone needs to be part of the wedding in some way. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Reasons not to have her in the wedding:
    1) you're not close to her
    2) she's on and off again with FI's twin brother - what if they're "off" when the wedding rolls around?
    3) it's not "required" by etiquette or anything else that she be involved

    Reasons to have her in the wedding:
    1) you feel guilty

    I would not have her in the wedding. She should be perfectly fine as a guest.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • NerdyLucyNerdyLucy member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    AddieL73 said:
     
    Please do not do this. Brides, if you need someone to do this, HIRE AND PAY someone to do it. It is not an honor to work for someone's wedding. Do not create "jobs" for people to make them feel included. It doesn't. I was once the cake cutter for a friend's wedding b/c she thought it "included" me. It sucked. Not everyone needs to be part of the wedding in some way. 



    A college roommate did this to me and another friend.  She made our other college roommate a bridesmaid, and I think she was worried that we'd feel left out.  Honestly, I was fine being a guest, but then the next thing I knew, this other girl and I were listed in the program as cake cutters. 

    When it came down to it, we didn't really have to physically cut the cake much.  I think we cut maybe 3 pieces each, and then some of the bride's relatives came and took over (shooed us away, really).  We did help pass out some cake though.

    It was a little odd.  I wouldn't recommend randomly handing out jobs to make someone feel included.  If they express a desire to do so, then maybe that's different.

    Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

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  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    The only honor is to be a BM/GM (or a reader, singer or officiant). It is also an honor to be a guest. But it is not an honor to be given busy work or be asked to be in the WP out of obligation - it almost always becomes apparent. She will be fine as a guest. Maybe you can give her a corsage to identify her as "family".
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  • SewInLoveWithDMBSewInLoveWithDMB member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think you have a lot of time. The people you've mentioned will probably still be close to you in a year, but I wouldn't make a big deal about "choosing the bridal party" yet. In 6 months, you may be close to this girl, or she may be out of the picture.

    I would do nothing for now and reassess in 6 months. 
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  • LiLe422LiLe422 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    deannagirly said:
    Perhaps you could have her do some day of action so that she feels involved? Maybe not attending the guest book, but she could help show people around or take phone calls from vendors for you or something else?
    How is taking calls from vendors any better than attending a guest book?  IT'S NOT!!  It's bitch work that should be performed by someone being paid to do so. 

    OP, please don't listen to that nonsense.  If you truly do not want her in the bp, that is fine.  Do not come up with a "filler" job for her as pp suggested.


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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    When my (now) FI's sister got married 3 years ago, I wasn't in the wedding.  And it didn't bother me.  We had been together for 5 years at that point, and lived together, but I didn't expect to be included in the wedding party.  I actually didn't even want to insert myself into pictures, because I didn't want to be the only not-official-family-member in them, but it was insisted by everyone that I be included in the family pictures.  I also sat in the front pew next to FI's mother (who was sitting on the far end because she was afraid she'd be sobbing so loud she'd have to leave the ceremony).  I was seated at the head table with FI at the reception and rehearsal dinner.

    I wouldn't worry about her - any rational person would understand why she's not included.

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  • PookiesonPookieson member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    I did not have my now Brother-in-law, girlfriend in the wedding party.  They are still dating and seem to be doing very well, but we are not close.  I like her just fine, but we aren't close.  My bridal party sat with their dates (we had a sweetheart table), and she was included in some of the family pictures, but not all of them.  She hung out during pictures (cocktail hour).  I wouldn't ask her.  That being said....I wouldn't ask anyone yet.  Your wedding is too far out.  Wait another six months and then reassess your relationships.

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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