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Am I overreacting?? Little vent

nyiri89nyiri89 member
Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
in Not Engaged Yet
Hey everyone,

I just want to gather some of your opinions and see what you all think.

So my SO and I decided to go away for the 4th of July weekend since we never get the same days off. Our first vacation together - awesome! We talked about it ever since then about how happy we were for us to finally get away. I planned a really nice getaway to the mountains about a month ago. About a week or so ago, my SO invited 3 of his friends to come with us (!). I told him that our accommodations had run out of rooms (which really they did)  And apparently, those three friends are now bringing 6 or 7 other people.

Now while these friends are staying at a camp site not far from where we are. My SO pretty much wants to spend our vacation time hanging around them. I'm afraid my perfect, romantic getaway is just going to turn in to a shit show in the woods. I'm really hurt that I put a lot of thought in to planning this for the two of us, and now a lot of people are coming and it's not really about us. My SO said that my asking me if our lodge had any more rooms was like asking if his friends could come. I don't see how that makes sense. His friends have been on vacations plenty of times and the invite has never been extended to us. We never talked about making this a group thing - it was always just the two of us. until he invited his friends, and now apparently the whole caravan is coming too. My SO and I have been bickering a lot lately, and now i just don't even want to go on vacation if it's going to be like this.

Am I wrong for being slightly annoyed about this? He says that I'm trying to cut him off from his friends by not wanting them to come with us. We see them when we can. We all have different schedules so get togethers can be hard to come by sometimes. I have a 9-5 job, my SO works in the service industry and his friends are in construction - we all have different hours. I'm not saying don't hang out with them, don't talk to them - I just don't want them to tag a long on our vacation.

I'm sorry if this has made no sense. I've had a terrible week and now this on top of just make me feel even worse. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated :)
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Re: Am I overreacting?? Little vent

  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    *Hugs* I can definitely understand being annoyed. Was there a miscommunication in there, or did you both start out with the same understanding and then he decided to change it up on you? Either way, I am sure I would be disappointed too.

    You still have a few weeks until that weekend to figure things out, so that's good. I would just stay away from the topic and try to cool off for a few days and ask BF to do the same. Then when you get back together, I would just have a real heart-to-heart: "BF, I am sad because I thought we both wanted to get away on our own and have a romantic vacation together. Did you have the same understanding?" And go from there.

    If he thought from the beginning, "Oh, it's cool, maybe some friends can meet us up there" and it wasn't clear that you didn't want that, lesson learned. Perhaps you can reach a compromise where you might spend part of the day with those friends and part of the day alone together.

    If he had the same understanding but then decided he wanted his friends to go, whip out some more I-statements: "BF, I am hurt that you didn't ask me before inviting your friends up to join us. I was really looking forward to getting away on our own for a few days, and while I don't want to cut you guys off from seeing each other, I am really disappointed that you didn't even check with me first." I really hope that, if this is what happened, he will see that it just wasn't cool to make a decision like that without both of you being on board.

    Ugh. That puts a damper on things, but hopefully within a few days things will calm down, the issue will be resolved, and you can look forward to your vacation again. Good luck!
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  • nyiri89nyiri89 member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Thanks so much Amapola14! I appreciate your advice - especially the hugs!

    Its just like on top of the vacation, we've been arguing about the future lately. Pile that on top of grad school and work and I'm just a weepy mess lately! I'll definitely try some of your suggestions. I just feel like i've ben at the end of my rope lately!
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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Dang, @eb1916, now I want to send you some of the brownies I just baked - sounds like you need them more than I do! That is so much going on for one person! PM me if you want to talk or have someone to vent to; otherwise, just know that I'm pulling for ya and really hope things calm down and get better for you ASAP.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think @amapola14 gave you great advice so I just want to chime in with I don't think you are overreacting. My BF and I are planning a camping trip for just the two of us (it will be our first get-away with just us too) and I would be extremely hurt, disappointed, and upset if he decided to invite friends - especially if he didn't talk to me about it first.

    I agree with the advice to step away from the issue for a couple days and then come back to it. You still have a couple of weeks to figure things out :)


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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Did you ever tell your BF that you wanted to go away just the two of you? While I can understand being upset because that's what you planned in your head and expected, maybe he just didn't realize that if you didn't express it. 



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  • nyiri89nyiri89 member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I did say how I was happy for the two of us to get away together. No mention of other people. We both had the understanding that this was for the two of us. But he just went ahead and invited them. And then they invited more people. I just have a lot going on right now and this vacation was my break before everything gets even crazier. Everything else plus my SO lack of consideration makes me so upset. I really don't want to go anymore. Very tempted to cancel and he can go have his shot how in the sticks.
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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    My advice would be to sit down and calmly talk to him about this rather than throwing a temper tantrum and cancelling the whole thing. Explain to him that you expected this to be a relaxing trip for just the two of you and that you thought he understood that. Tell him that it hurt your feelings that he went ahead and invited a bunch of his friends without even consulting with you first. If you don't tell him these things, you can't expect him to know. 



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  • 500days500days member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Something similar to this happened to me a couple of years ago. I handled it poorly and I hope what I share will help.

    BF and I had planned a night out downtown over a weekend in the summer. We planned to have a nice fancy dinner out, go to a city festival with live music and then go out to a bar. Well everything was going well up until that night. Unbeknownst to me, BF had let his group of friends know we were going to be downtown and told them it would be okay to meet up. Now, normally I am cool, chill and love to meet up...but we planned this "little getaway" with hotel and dinner reservations! I didn't clearly communicate to BF how I felt about the weekend getaway or my expectations...I didn't think I needed to, but I was wrong! 

    I flipped out that night and drove home because his friends showed up at the bar and followed us to the hotel. I tried to go with the flow because they are BF's friends and I want to make him happy...but I exploded. I told BF I was going home and he was already drinking so he continued to party it up with his friends in our hotel room. So fucked up, and I wish we had set clear expectations for the weekend. Since that night BF's friends have never been the same towards me...I really exploded.

    Just take this time to calm down, reevaluate the situation and COMMUNICATE your concerns with your BF. I really hope it all works out in the end for you!
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    eb1916 said:
    I did say how I was happy for the two of us to get away together. No mention of other people. We both had the understanding that this was for the two of us. But he just went ahead and invited them. And then they invited more people. I just have a lot going on right now and this vacation was my break before everything gets even crazier. Everything else plus my SO lack of consideration makes me so upset. I really don't want to go anymore. Very tempted to cancel and he can go have his shot how in the sticks.
    I don't think you should cancel it all together. You need to have a talk with your SO because clearly there is communication issue going on here but throwing a fit will just make a bad situation worse.

    Your vacation can still be fun and relaxing even if it isn't what you originally intended.


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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Agree with @bethsmiles. Just take a day or two before making any decisions or talking to him. You don't want to lose your cool and regret it later. It can still be a good trip and a productive learning experience for you and BF.
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  • pesematologypesematology member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    My partner has done things like that a few times. I always get super pissed and bitch him out (in private) about not asking me first, but usually when he offers to cancel the invitation to his friends, I end up just going with it because I don't want to be rude to them. And in the end it's usually fun because I really like his friends.
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
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  • 500days500days member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    pesematology said:
    My partner has done things like that a few times. I always get super pissed and bitch him out (in private) about not asking me first, but usually when he offers to cancel the invitation to his friends, I end up just going with it because I don't want to be rude to them. And in the end it's usually fun because I really like his friends.
    I get what your saying, because that used to be my life- but it's not right. So you just go with it? Your SO hasn't picked up on how it bothers you? Don't be a doormat and definitely don't let this head down the resentment road.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    pesematology said:
    My partner has done things like that a few times. I always get super pissed and bitch him out (in private) about not asking me first, but usually when he offers to cancel the invitation to his friends, I end up just going with it because I don't want to be rude to them. And in the end it's usually fun because I really like his friends.
    I would not be okay with that. Once or twice I would be pissed and talk with BF about it to make sure it didn't continue to happen. If it was a pattern of behavior I'd be re-thinking our relationship and be seriously trying to figure out a way to fix our communication.


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  • pesematologypesematology member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I appreciate PP's concern, but I don't think it's a problem. It's really only happened a few times, when something unusual came up and he jumped before he really thought about it. Anyway, we've worked it out and he fully understands why it's not okay, even if things work out in the end.

    My point to the OP wasn't that she should just let him do that, so much as it's really up to her how she handles it. If she likes the people involved, she might want to go ahead and spend the time with them, while telling her SO what was upsetting and working out a way to fix that with him (e.g. he takes her on another trip, to get the romantic weekend she was hoping for). If she doesn't feel like it, though, I think she'd be totally justified in just telling her SO that he screwed up her plans and he needs to fix it. I wasn't telling her to let it go or ignore her feelings, I was telling her to do whatever sounds best to her.
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
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