MOH flaked...can I kick her out of WP?

Secsea1 · June 2013

I asked my friend of over 20 years to be my Matron OH & she happily accepted. As with any other fitting, you fit your most difficult/biggest person/body part. She wasn't a fan of any of my BM dress idea due to her body shape/size and offered to send pics of the types of dresses that look good on her. Well after waiting for a month, I finally pinned her down and she gave me pics - the exact pics I showed her previously. Fast forward to last week - I scheduled a BM fitting. All the BMs confirmed and were there, except my MOH. We even talked about the fitting twice within days of the fitting with no mention she wouldn't be in attendence. After a week, she hasn't called, text, emailed, returned my message, or taken my calls. I feel like kicking her out of my WP because if she can't be honost and let me know she can't make it, doesn't want to make it, is uncomfortable, etc - then she can't be depended on to carry out the other MOH duties. Can I kick her out of the WP and if so how do I tell her whenever we next talk? (PS-in the week we haven't talked, the BM dresses went on sale and everyone else got their dress but her).

vikinggirl4 · June 2013

I don't think kicking her out would be a good first step. You never know what could have happened in her life that could have cut her off from the world (case in point: the MOH in a wedding I'm a BM for texted me to take over the bach party - turns out her husband doesn't want to be married any more, and now she has two kids by herself). TALK to her first, be her friend first, not a bride.

AddieCake · June 2013

You could, if you wish to end your friendship forever. Is that what you want?

And what are these MOH duties you speak of? The only duty any bridesmaid has is to show up, on time, sober, in the right clothes at the wedding. If they don't do that, they have taken themselves out of the wedding.

aphrodite0869 · June 2013

I do find it weird that she can not even text you back. It takes 2 mins to send a quick text and say hey I can't make it. Sorry. That being said I don't think you should kick her out of the wedding party because she is in fact your friend, and that may end the friendship. I am having the same problem. One of my bridesmaids moved and I haven't heard from her even though I have texted her many times and she has text our other friends. If it does to to close to the wedding then yes i will have to remove her from the wedding just simply because I don't want to be left hanging the day of the wedding but give it time. If it comes down to a month before your wedding and she hasn't gotten her dress or you haven't heard from her then "if" she does contact you just nicely tell her you wasn't sure she was going to be a part of the wedding. Don't worry too much because you really ever know what is going on.

MairePoppy · June 2013

Do you want to ruin a 20 year long friendship over one missed appointment? Then go with this:

"Friend, this ring on my finger makes me the boss of you. I expect you to drop whatever you're doing to return my calls, immediately. Since you're not measuring up to my expectations, Your Fired."

If you're not that kind of bride, I would suggest that you cool off. Then give your dear friend/MOH the information that she needs to order her dress. She can make her own appointment, at her convenience. There is no need for all the bms to go together for fittings.

As Addie said, there are no other MOH requirements. Get the dress, show up sober and on time for the wedding ceremony.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

Secsea1 said:

I asked my friend of over 20 years to be my Matron OH & she happily accepted. As with any other fitting, you fit your most difficult/biggest person/body part. She wasn't a fan of any of my BM dress idea due to her body shape/size and offered to send pics of the types of dresses that look good on her. Well after waiting for a month, I finally pinned her down and she gave me pics - the exact pics I showed her previously. Fast forward to last week - I scheduled a BM fitting. All the BMs confirmed and were there, except my MOH. We even talked about the fitting twice within days of the fitting with no mention she wouldn't be in attendence. After a week, she hasn't called, text, emailed, returned my message, or taken my calls. I feel like kicking her out of my WP because if she can't be honost and let me know she can't make it, doesn't want to make it, is uncomfortable, etc - then she can't be depended on to carry out the other MOH duties. Can I kick her out of the WP and if so how do I tell her whenever we next talk? (PS-in the week we haven't talked, the BM dresses went on sale and everyone else got their dress but her).

It sounds like your MOH has something else going on with her life. Did you ask her for a budget for her BM dress? Is the dress you picked (regardless of it being on sale) fall within her budget? Maybe she feels uncomfortable in the dress? You seemed to indicate she may be a little overweight, perhaps the dress does not cover her up or flatters her figure - in her eyes.

A few other questions: when is your wedding? has MOH always been flaky? have you talked to her about anything non-wedding related recently?

jackman36 · June 2013

Question: If the MOH has decided to remove herself from the wedding, does the bride then, in all fairness, elect to have no MOH to stand up with her? That seems a bit harsh for the bride?

MairePoppy · June 2013

@jackman36 It shouldn't impose any hardship on the bride to not have a MOH. The bm standing closest to the bride would hold her bouquet and any witness can sign the marriage certificate, if that's a requirement. There are no additional duties for the MOH.

The general consensus is that it's rude to the woman who stepped down to make her feel replaceable. It's also rude to the replacement. That's no honor because she knows she wasn't the bride's first choice. In this case, the MOH isn't removing herself from the wedding party, the bride is trying to kick her to the curb. So who is being harsh?

bethsmiles · June 2013

I don't understand...your very close friend for over 20 years missed an appointment and you're ready to pull a friendship ending move over it?

Honey, you need to pull you head out of your ass and realize that just because you are planning a wedding does not mean everyone's life revolves around you! How do you know something horrible hasn't happened in your friend's life or to your friend? Put all your wedding crap aside for a minute and start having some concern for your friend.

I'd send her a text or an e-mail that doesn't mention the wedding AT ALL and state your concern that you haven't heard from her in awhile and are just hoping everything is okay. You can worry about the damn dress later.

jackman36 · June 2013

MairePoppy and bethsmiles - you are both right on!

cbrown828 · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

You could, if you wish to end your friendship forever. Is that what you want?
And what are these MOH duties you speak of? The only duty any bridesmaid has is to show up, on time, sober, in the right clothes at the wedding. If they don't do that, they have taken themselves out of the wedding.

Cute signs make everything better!

QueerFemme · June 2013

There aren't any MOH duties other than buying the dress. And she didn't need to go to a group appointment/fitting. Just tell her where the dress is, and let her go on her own to purchase it. I would also pick up the phone and call her and don't talk about your wedding. Something like "hey, you haven't been responding to my messages. are YOU ok? What's going on in YOUR life?"

Secsea1 · June 2013

Thanks for the replies. I have called her serveral times and left messages about 'checking on her since we haven't talked' and 'so how are things with you'-no response. My head isnt in my a$$ as someone here suggested. I dont expect them to drop everything because of my ring and all my bm know that about me.

and yes she has flaked on things before but because of her excitment, her offers to help me plan/decorate/throw parties she assured me she wanted to be involved in it all. She was calling me about wedding stuff-it wasn't the other way around.

and yes we have spoken about non wedding stuff alot prior to this fitting, the wedding is in Sept.

CallaLily25 · June 2013

I agree...the ball's in her court now. It's her responsibility to get the dress on time and show up. If she doesn't, then she chooses to step down. I wouldn't make that decision for her and potentially ruin your friendship.

aurianna · June 2013

Agree with PP

If she doesn't get the dress then she's removed herself from the bridal party herself and you will have no reason to kick her out.

If she gets the dress and shows up in it, on time to the wedding, then she's done her job and hasn't done anything that merits being kicked out, so you will have no reason to kick her out.

Either one of these scenarios ends in "you will have no reason to kick her out."

AddieCake · June 2013

jackman36 said:

Question: If the MOH has decided to remove herself from the wedding, does the bride then, in all fairness, elect to have no MOH to stand up with her? That seems a bit harsh for the bride?

How is it harsh for the bride? I didn't have a MOH, and I was not scarred in any way by it.

aurianna · June 2013

jackman36 said:

Question: If the MOH has decided to remove herself from the wedding, does the bride then, in all fairness, elect to have no MOH to stand up with her? That seems a bit harsh for the bride?

Not having a MOH doesn't really effect the bride in anyway.
And what would the alternative be? Promoting one of the other BMs? That's a baaaad idea because it makes the original MOH feel like she's replaceable, it's a consolation prize for the new MOH who realizes she was the second choice, and it REALLY rubs it in to the other BMs because they then know they'd be third choice or less.

No MOH is fine in the hypothetical situation that she steps down on her own.

Secsea1 · October 2013

Update: My wedding is this weekend! Long story short - She didn't get her dress, missed all functions and now doesn't think she will have time to get her items together for by Sat. She doesn't know it, but I removed her from the programs before giving the okay to have them printed. So looking back on it all, I think I knew she wasn't going to do it hence asking about kicking her out. I just stopped worrying about it and said 'whatever will be will be' and I'm glad I did!

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end, but you did everything right!

Congrats on your wedding this weekend!

MOH flaked...can I kick her out of WP?

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