Mom wants to know amount of money given by friends

abl13 · June 2013

My mom knows that my husband and I opened our wedding gifts after we returned from our honeymoon and asked that we give her a list of what my parents friends gave so they can reciprocate in the future. I will not be doing this because nothing good will come of it, especially because some gave either nothing or a very smal amount (this does not bother me at all, they don't know me and were invited because my parents were hosting). Additionally my financial information is not their business and it will not be up for discussion ever. I bean dipped her this time but I know that she will push later. Any advice on how to respectfully decline giving her this information?

Jen4948 · June 2013

Wait for her to push again, and then tell her, "Mom, this is a closed subject. If you want to know what your relatives and friends gave us, ask them, not us. But it is no one's business but Husband's and mine what we received."

NYCBruin · June 2013

"Mom, I'm not comfortable sharing that information with you." Then proceed to bean dip. Repeat as needed.

AddieCake · June 2013

Jen4948 said:

Wait for her to push again, and then tell her, "Mom, this is a closed subject. If you want to know what your relatives and friends gave us, ask them, not us. But it is no one's business but Husband's and mine what we received."

This. How ridiculous that she is even pressing you for this information.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

abl13 said:

My mom knows that my husband and I opened our wedding gifts after we returned from our honeymoon and asked that we give her a list of what my parents friends gave so they can reciprocate in the future. I will not be doing this because nothing good will come of it, especially because some gave either nothing or a very smal amount (this does not bother me at all, they don't know me and were invited because my parents were hosting). Additionally my financial information is not their business and it will not be up for discussion ever. I bean dipped her this time but I know that she will push later. Any advice on how to respectfully decline giving her this information?

Bravo! "yea, we're not going to disclose or discuss with you the monetary value of any wedding gifts we received or our finances in general..... I need this dip recipe, do you think it's homemade?"

Eventually you can just say, "When we wrote down who gave us what, we just wrote 'money' and then thanked each person for their generous gift. I really don't remember how much each person gave..."

Kate61487 · June 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Definitely agree with you that it is none of her business. I would just let her know that you don't feel it is anyone's business what other people gave and that you aren't keeping track of it as you go along.

I'd go with this. "I don't know mom. I didn't keep track; my thank you note list just says they gave cash"

Pookieson · June 2013

I'd just say they gave cash too. We got asked by both sides how much some of our guests gave. We usually changed the subject and said we "couldn't remember" or bean dipped em.

Jen4948 · June 2013

jss0302 said:

Jen4948 said:

Wait for her to push again, and then tell her, "Mom, this is a closed subject. If you want to know what your relatives and friends gave us, ask them, not us. But it is no one's business but Husband's and mine what we received."

I like everything but the bolded part. I wouldn't give her the idea of asking people what they gifted, she may actually do it.

I don't see that as a big deal, because even if she asks, they may not tell her, or the OP and her husband may not have kept whatever the gift was.

lyndsay782 · June 2013

jss0302 said:

Jen4948 said:

Wait for her to push again, and then tell her, "Mom, this is a closed subject. If you want to know what your relatives and friends gave us, ask them, not us. But it is no one's business but Husband's and mine what we received."

I like everything but the bolded part. I wouldn't give her the idea of asking people what they gifted, she may actually do it.

But if she does ask them, then that's on her, and no reflection on the bride. Her mother will lose face, but I think phrasing it that way might help her see the ridiculousness of the question.

lyndsay782 · June 2013

@jss0302 So would I, but other than being embarrassed by her actions, as long as she doesn't drag me into it, she can handle her friends' gift amount as she wants...

Now if she were to somehow say "my daughter said you only gave her $2..." I'd have a problem.

Edited to add second part.

abl13 · June 2013

Thanks everyone! She wants to know the total amount we received also. For that, I am just going to tell her that my husband and I discussed it and won't be sharing that information with anyone. For the individuals, I am just going to say that we already deposited the cash and checks and didn't write downt the amounts.

ootmother3 · June 2013

That subject is absolutely none of her business and you should feel free,, as an adult, to tell her just that.

NerdyLucy · June 2013

Ugh. My grandma used to do this for graduations. She'd try to find out how much aunt so-and-so gave me (or my brother) for graduation so she'd know what to give aunt's grandkids, etc.

mercimarie · June 2013

That is some shit. I can't imagine my parents asking that, nor can I imagine how I would respond. I probably would dodge the question until she gave up but I would definitely be shaking my head when the conversation ended. My mum is getting to the age where the brain to mouth filter is starting to short circuit so this is actually not beyond the realm of possibility.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

My mom does similar things-not in terms of giving gifts of equal value, but for asking about my finances. I can tell you that saying "That's between FI and I" does NOT go over well with her. She will just keep pushing and pushing.

My suggestion is to continue bean-dipping as long possible, and when you need to, just tell her that you didn't keep track of exactly how much people gave you, like PPs suggested. Even if that's a white lie, I'd go with this option. It's truly none of her business.

walgrrl · June 2013

Say, "Don't worry, Mom. I wrote everyone an appropriate and timely thank you note."

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Is it weird that I don't find this a big deal? Maybe my family is just crazy nosy and entwined. I would just tell her. Its seems like such a weird thing to fight over. Did your parents pay for and host your wedding? Im going to assume so since they invited so many friends. So, you had no problem spending their money and planning the wedding based on their finances. Which by the way, your parents partially did so you could have a beautiful party and maybe get nice little nest egg for yourselves. So, now after the party they just want to know how it worked out for you? Throw them a bone and tell them either your total number, or just tell them what their friends gave. I dont really think you get to be all 007 regarding money when you had no problem spending their money in the first place.

vineheart137 · June 2013

Ehh, no. Just because her parents offered to host the wedding does not entitle them to personal information such as how much money the couple received. That is not information she needs to know, especially not for her given reason. She didn't ask just because she "wants to know how it worked out" she asked so she could "match" their gifts in the future and that is just not right.

banana468 · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:
Is it weird that I don't find this a big deal? Maybe my family is just crazy nosy and entwined. I would just tell her. Its seems like such a weird thing to fight over. Did your parents pay for and host your wedding? Im going to assume so since they invited so many friends. So, you had no problem spending their money and planning the wedding based on their finances. Which by the way, your parents partially did so you could have a beautiful party and maybe get nice little nest egg for yourselves. So, now after the party they just want to know how it worked out for you? Throw them a bone and tell them either your total number, or just tell them what their friends gave. I dont really think you get to be all 007 regarding money when you had no problem spending their money in the first place.

No. That's a gift with huge strings. Giving a wedding does not entitle you to know personal information that's none of your business.

clg1213 · June 2013

Just a note to say you are not alone. My mother expected this at my first wedding and I am willing to bet she'll expect it again. I did go along, but I'm not overly proud of that fact....there can be a lot of tension with her and I sometimes revert to just going along to make things easier, even if it doesn't feel right to me.

Jen4948 · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Maybe you could compromise, and say, most guests gave between x and y?

How much any guest gave is none of her business. This is an area I wouldn't compromise on.

abl13 · June 2013

Update:

My mom pressed again and I told her that my husband and I discussed the issue and we decided not to provide that information to anyone, and we didn't keep track of specific gifts anyways.

I received an email yesterday from my mom saying that she discussed this with her friend, and her friend's daughter opened her gifts in front of everyone and then provided her mom a list of what everyone gave. Also, my mom said that at her sister's (my aunt's) wedding, all the gifts were on display for everyone to see. My mom and her friend dont understand what the "big secret" is and she said that I'm rude for not giving her what she wants.

I don't get where she is going with the opening of gifts, we received 8 boxed gifts and the rest were cards. When I open cards in front of others, I don't shout out how much money is inside. Logistics with our honeymoon prevented us from being able to open gifts with our families, and I showed her all of the physical gifts that we received. I haven't heard anything else and I'm done discussing it, I will probably get my dad involved if she brings it up again. Thanks for the advice and support! I've also asked all of my friends who got married recently if their parents asked for this info, and no one has experienced this, so that along with what you all have said confirmed that she is being ridiculous.

abl13 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

abl13 said:

Update:

My mom pressed again and I told her that my husband and I discussed the issue and we decided not to provide that information to anyone, and we didn't keep track of specific gifts anyways.

I received an email yesterday from my mom saying that she discussed this with her friend, and her friend's daughter opened her gifts in front of everyone and then provided her mom a list of what everyone gave. Also, my mom said that at her sister's (my aunt's) wedding, all the gifts were on display for everyone to see. My mom and her friend dont understand what the "big secret" is and she said that I'm rude for not giving her what she wants.

I don't get where she is going with the opening of gifts, we received 8 boxed gifts and the rest were cards. When I open cards in front of others, I don't shout out how much money is inside. Logistics with our honeymoon prevented us from being able to open gifts with our families, and I showed her all of the physical gifts that we received. I haven't heard anything else and I'm done discussing it, I will probably get my dad involved if she brings it up again. Thanks for the advice and support! I've also asked all of my friends who got married recently if their parents asked for this info, and no one has experienced this, so that along with what you all have said confirmed that she is being ridiculous.
Is the friend she is discussing it with the one who gave the gift?

No, it's someone that wasn't invited to the wedding.

hoffse · June 2013

Honestly it doesn't really bother me. I know it's none of her business, and since it clearly bothers you you should continue to decline. That said, my parents know who gave what. We received almost no cash and the gifts came to their house (our apartment is not secure), so they opened them to check for damage, etc. as they came in. It really wasn't a big deal. I know my parents took note of my aunts and uncles... I'm the first cousin/grandchild on both sides to get married, and they wanted to make sure they reciprocate when it's my cousins' turns (the aunts on my dad's side all went in on china, for instance). But other than that I don't think they really took note. Almost all our gifts were in the same price range anyway, and it's what my parents tend to give also, so it's not like it surprised them.

We are also pretty open about finances. They didn't ask how much cash we received, but they do know how much I make, how much student loan debt I have, etc. Again, it's not a big deal for us. If it's a big deal for you, then just keep declining.

Mom wants to know amount of money given by friends

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