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My fiance's parents and sister now refuse to come to the wedding...

HocusPocus101HocusPocus101
in Wedding Woes
So my fiance and I decided we don't want any kids at our ceremony or reception. We have love kids, but decided long ago that we wanted a very formal affair with no children.

We want it to be fun and run smoothly without worry or crying ( our church echos like the dickens anytime a baby cries). We've told my side of the family and no one has any issue with it.

We've made two exceptions for my fiance's nephews: one is 10, well behaved, and we've asked him to carry the cross into the church for the ceremony (we are Catholic, and its going to be a long ceremony). The other is going to be just a year old and we've paid to have a babysitter in the church cry room for the ceremony, bring him in for family pictures, then take him back to our house near the reception for the rest of the night. 

My fiance's sister with the 1 year old feels snubbed for not being able to have her baby with her during the ceremony or the reception and is refusing to come to the wedding at all. My future in laws now say they won't come unless we apologize and ask to have the 1 year old in the ceremony and reception or uninvite the 10 year old nephew. They want it to be fair to both sisters, but we feel bullied.

Are we in the wrong? How can I show my future sister in law that we aren't trying to offend her, we just want to make it easier on everyone and make sure the baby won't fuss?

Help! 
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Re: My fiance's parents and sister now refuse to come to the wedding...

  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs. You can invite children or not invite children. You can invite children in circles -- i.e., no children who aren't related to the bride and groom (that's what FI and I did. The four children at our wedding are his nephew, my nephew, and my two cousins). But you cannot invite one nephew and not another nephew from the same side of the family -- they fall in the same circle.

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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Agree with PPs. You are in the wrong, OP.
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  • stelle413stelle413 member
    First Comment
    You are free to invite children in exactly the same way you invite adults.  Inviting one child does not mean you have to invite other children, just like inviting one adult does not mean you have to invite every adult you know.  You know children individually, just like you know adults individually, and you are free to choose which people to invite (just make sure you follow the long-standing etiquette rule of inviting spouses and fiances).  Inviting in circles is a good idea to avoid hurt feelings, but it's not a requirement.  Just remember that your invitation choices may cause hurt feelings, even if you haven't violated any etiquette rules.
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  • cnorton3114cnorton3114 member
    First Comment
    My fiance and I came across a similar problem - we didn't want to invite any children as the reception is going to be formal (7 courses) and the ceremony is a Catholic mass. My fiance has two nephews both of whom he's very close with. We made the hard decision of not inviting them. I think an equal compromise would work best here. Either invite both children or non at all. To include one but not the other will inevitably upset people. It just falls into what your priorities are. It's your wedding and you ultimately have the say, but is it worth upsetting your future in-laws? If it were me, I wouldn't want to burn those bridges before even getting married if it was preventable. 
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  • carolinecarvalhocarolinecarvalho member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited June 2013
    I am also catholic and I am having a full mass; but I honestly think that inviting guests and telling them not to bring their kids is very rude. (my opinion) I would much rather have a crying baby on my wedding ceremony, then have a confrontation with my "future" in laws for the rest of my life. 
    I don't have any kids yet, but I personally wouldn't go to a wedding if I couldn't bring my kids; so I honestly don't blame your in-laws.
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I don't think you're wrong for inviting one child and not the other because one is part of the ceremony. As long as you invite the 10 year-old to the reception, it's fine. However, it is rude to drag the baby to the ceremony just to keep him around for pictures, then kick him out when the party starts.
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  • kefryarkefryar member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think that if you are paying for a babysitter for one child, pay for the other children too. Put yourself in the mothers shoes, it's a personal insult that you invited someone's baby and not another's. My feelings would be hurt. However I think that it really isn't your FPILs business, as this is between you and your SIL

     

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  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    @kefryar

    It was my understanding that the mother who is offended is the one whose child is getting the babysitter.  The mom is offended that the baby is going to be on-site but be forced to be in another room during the ceremony, brought in for family pictures only, and then carted off back with the babysitter during the reception.  The baby was essentially only invite for pictures, not for the ceremony and reception.  The other child in question is 10 and a part of the wedding ceremony.  Both children are FI's nephews.

    It's a shame that the OP did a post & run, as we're likely not going to hear how this turned out.  I hope she & her FI just invited the sister's baby.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • kefryarkefryar member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    flutterbride2b

    thank you, I misread. I was under the misunderstanding that she didn't invite her SILs child period. This is a hard thing, I understand the mother being hurt still/feeling snubbed, but I also understand the difference between a 10 year old and an infant.

     

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  • AnaelseaAnaelsea member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    Wait till you have kids. Thats all I have to say. 
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  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    It would be nice if everyone could do what they want for their wedding without hurting any feelings, but it rarely works out that way, does it?

    You are walking blindfolded in a minefield any time you try to tell anyone something about their kids. Accept that, and things may not be to your liking, but that is how it is.


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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is a dead thread @KnotPorscha‌
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