Expected to attend and guilted about the bridal shower, but not invited to the wedding

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

One of my close friends from college and sorority is getting married soon and I wasn't sure whether or not I'd be invited to the wedding. She's said for some time that it would be small and probably only family.

Her bridal shower took place a couple weeks ago and I was invited. I could not attend because I was unemployed at the time, and I explained this to the friend throwing the event. The event was slightly expensive (about $40 per person, plus we were expected to chip in for gifts for the bride) and I just didn't have the money. The friend said if I liked I could attend and only pay for the price of the room (about $20) and just to make sure I didn't eat anything. I declined because I felt like it would be embarassing and cause questions if I attended without touching anything. She pushed the issue and said that the bride really wanted me there and informed me that it was rude of me not to attend. I sent the bride a note explaining I couldn't attend and apologizing.

I've now found out that all the girls at the bridal shower except me were invited to the wedding. I contacted the bride about it and she said she was sorry but it was only close friends and family at the wedding. Somewhat annoyed, because this is a fairly close friend and most of the girls invited are not people she's very close with, I said that my feelings were hurt and that I thought it was tasteless for her to invite me to the bridal shower and other wedding activities and events without inviting me to the wedding. She has now informed me that if I was really her friend I would be happy for her, it's her big day and it is about her and her fiance's happiness and not mine. She's also accused me of not showing sufficient interest in her wedding and said more and more hurtful things.

I'm super offended and feeling guilty- I know it's not really appropriate to ask why you weren't invited to something. I don't know what to do or how to fix this now- wait til after the wedding and talk to her so it doesn't seem like I'm obsessed with getting an invite or something? Any advice?

daria24 · June 2013

Please stop feeling guilty-all of the rudeness was on the bride or shower hostess's part.

It's EXTREMELY rude to invite anyone to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.

It's EXTREMELY rude to charge shower guests for attending. The hosts of the shower are responsible for paying for all rentals & food for all shower guests.

And to top it off, it's EXTREMELY rude to guilt someone over declining an invitation, whatever the reason it is for the "no" RSVP. Your friends behaved terribly.

rel1988 · June 2013

Sounds like you dodged a bullet wasting money on that bi-otches shower. Don't feel guilty at all. She's probably so greedy she might have nixed your invite because she was worried you give a wedding gift. Real classy.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

Wow. That is all kinds of rude. You were treated HORRIBLY and did absolutely nothing wrong. I think you handled it very well.

I'd let it be, and not have anything else to do with these people unless the bride gives some MASSIVE, genuine apology.

Peaseblossom55 · June 2013

I would feel really offended too, her behavior for so many reasons is really rude. I would be hurt but this isn't the type of friendship I would continue to maintain. Don't feel guilty.

AddieCake · June 2013

Don't feel guilty for one more second about this. Your friend is an ass.

harper0813 · June 2013

Why the hell would you show any interest in your wedding when you were excluded from the guest list? She is nuts. And a terrible friend.

You have done nothing wrong and it sounds like you handled the situation like a champ. I'm glad you didn't waste your money on her.

And WHY did the host of the shower charge the guests? That is supremely un-host-like.

Edited: typo, stupid autocorrect

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Please ditch all of these "friends". They sound really immature, insensitive, selfish and bitchy.

MobKaz · June 2013

In addition to agreeing with all comments posted above, I do wonder.......?

Would you have been invited to the wedding had you attended the shower? Is your absence from the wedding guest list perhaps "punishment" for not attending the command performance?

Walk away and do not look back!

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Don't sweat it. It sounds like your friends suck. I skipped a lot of events because of financial reasons a few years back. Chipping in on a bridal shower is tacky and etiquette states that you invite those that have wedding invites (or at least reception).

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

Thanks everyone, this makes me feel a bit better.

I have found out now that the wedding invites were issued after the shower, so the people invited to the wedding were only the girls who attended the shower. I wish my friend had just come out and said that her definition of "close friends" was "people who were able to attend my shower" because then I wouldn't have pushed the issue.

It's frustrating because the girls invited to the wedding now are mostly younger girls who are just excited about planning weddings...The kind that have pinterest boards dedicated to their own fictional weddings. This is why the shower was so expensive; it was planned by girls who just wanted to do something fancy and cutesy. All of them are still in school (I am 24 and a recent graduate) no one could afford to officially host it and cover the costs, so the solution was to have everyone pay to attend and spread out the cost.

The bride says she had no idea the shower was expensive and it's not her fault that it was, which is fair I guess, she didn't plan it.

Sorry everyone, I know this is very whiney. I just feel hurt and left out.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

anythingcanhappen15 said:

Thanks everyone, this makes me feel a bit better.

I have found out now that the wedding invites were issued after the shower, so the people invited to the wedding were only the girls who attended the shower. I wish my friend had just come out and said that her definition of "close friends" was "people who were able to attend my shower" because then I wouldn't have pushed the issue.

It's frustrating because the girls invited to the wedding now are mostly younger girls who are just excited about planning weddings...The kind that have pinterest boards dedicated to their own fictional weddings. This is why the shower was so expensive; it was planned by girls who just wanted to do something fancy and cutesy. All of them are still in school (I am 24 and a recent graduate) no one could afford to officially host it and cover the costs, so the solution was to have everyone pay to attend and spread out the cost.

The bride says she had no idea the shower was expensive and it's not her fault that it was, which is fair I guess, she didn't plan it.

Sorry everyone, I know this is very whiney. I just feel hurt and left out.

Ew - cut these people out of your life before they plan a Jack and Jill engagement party for their BFF with a burlap wrapped mason jar to collect honeymoon donations.

harper0813 · June 2013

Don't worry about whining - you're allowed to whine! The host is dumb because she's the HOST and therefore gets to decide the budget. She has no excuses. It sounds like she was frivolously spending money and then suddenly realized, oops, she can't afford it. And she tried to stick everyone else with the bill.

And if the bride was using the shower turnout to decide who to invite to the wedding, that is just as rude as inviting non-wedding-guests to the shower. She is not a friend.

LAM524 · June 2013

anythingcanhappen15 said:

One of my close friends from college and sorority is getting married soon and I wasn't sure whether or not I'd be invited to the wedding. She's said for some time that it would be small and probably only family.

Her bridal shower took place a couple weeks ago and I was invited. I could not attend because I was unemployed at the time, and I explained this to the friend throwing the event. The event was slightly expensive (about $40 per person, plus we were expected to chip in for gifts for the bride) and I just didn't have the money. The friend said if I liked I could attend and only pay for the price of the room (about $20) and just to make sure I didn't eat anything. I declined because I felt like it would be embarassing and cause questions if I attended without touching anything. She pushed the issue and said that the bride really wanted me there and informed me that it was rude of me not to attend. I sent the bride a note explaining I couldn't attend and apologizing.

I've now found out that all the girls at the bridal shower except me were invited to the wedding. I contacted the bride about it and she said she was sorry but it was only close friends and family at the wedding. Somewhat annoyed, because this is a fairly close friend and most of the girls invited are not people she's very close with, I said that my feelings were hurt and that I thought it was tasteless for her to invite me to the bridal shower and other wedding activities and events without inviting me to the wedding. She has now informed me that if I was really her friend I would be happy for her, it's her big day and it is about her and her fiance's happiness and not mine. She's also accused me of not showing sufficient interest in her wedding and said more and more hurtful things.

I'm super offended and feeling guilty- I know it's not really appropriate to ask why you weren't invited to something. I don't know what to do or how to fix this now- wait til after the wedding and talk to her so it doesn't seem like I'm obsessed with getting an invite or something? Any advice?

I just cant get over this part! WOW! How incredibly rude and heartless. Curious, does the hostess have something against you? Who would say that to another human being!!

Yes...be happy for her...she is surrounded by rudeness.

I hope that when and if her bridezilla brain clears up that she doesnt regret her treatment/exclusion of you! It will be too late. Im sorry that you are dealing with this. Your feelings arent wrong. If it were me, I would not reach out again. She didnt have the heart for you feelings...not a healthy friend!

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

LAM2228 said:

anythingcanhappen15 said:

One of my close friends from college and sorority is getting married soon and I wasn't sure whether or not I'd be invited to the wedding. She's said for some time that it would be small and probably only family.

Her bridal shower took place a couple weeks ago and I was invited. I could not attend because I was unemployed at the time, and I explained this to the friend throwing the event. The event was slightly expensive (about $40 per person, plus we were expected to chip in for gifts for the bride) and I just didn't have the money. The friend said if I liked I could attend and only pay for the price of the room (about $20) and just to make sure I didn't eat anything. I declined because I felt like it would be embarassing and cause questions if I attended without touching anything. She pushed the issue and said that the bride really wanted me there and informed me that it was rude of me not to attend. I sent the bride a note explaining I couldn't attend and apologizing.

I've now found out that all the girls at the bridal shower except me were invited to the wedding. I contacted the bride about it and she said she was sorry but it was only close friends and family at the wedding. Somewhat annoyed, because this is a fairly close friend and most of the girls invited are not people she's very close with, I said that my feelings were hurt and that I thought it was tasteless for her to invite me to the bridal shower and other wedding activities and events without inviting me to the wedding. She has now informed me that if I was really her friend I would be happy for her, it's her big day and it is about her and her fiance's happiness and not mine. She's also accused me of not showing sufficient interest in her wedding and said more and more hurtful things.

I'm super offended and feeling guilty- I know it's not really appropriate to ask why you weren't invited to something. I don't know what to do or how to fix this now- wait til after the wedding and talk to her so it doesn't seem like I'm obsessed with getting an invite or something? Any advice?

I just cant get over this part! WOW! How incredibly rude and heartless. Curious, does the hostess have something against you? Who would say that to another human being!!

Yes...be happy for her...she is surrounded by rudeness. I hope that when and if her bridezilla brain clears up that she doesnt regret her treatment/exclusion of you! It will be too late. Im sorry that you are dealing with this. Your feelings arent wrong. If it were me, I would not reach out again. She didnt have the heart for you feelings...not a healthy friend!

Yeah, I was pretty shocked at the offer to come and "make sure I don't touch anything". It was a sit-down event, I think it would be pretty obvious that I was the only one not eating or drinking and force me to explain to everyone that I was unemployed.

I feel bad about the second part though because she's saying her wedding is about herself and her fiance being together and that I'm making it about me. I hate the idea that I'm the friend who decided to take the focus off of the bride and groom and be selfish.

harper0813 · June 2013

But you aren't making it about you. Not being able to attend is not a selfish act. Don't guilt yourself over a terrible friend's accusations. She is the selfish one.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

No. You are not shifting the focus. You were asked to attend a shower that was planned in the rudest way possible - by essentially selling tickets. If I were that brideI'd be pissed at my friends for throwing a shower like that And I would ask them to reimburse anyone who they took money from.

Short story the friends who threw the shower are rude, heartless and immature and the bride sounds like a bridezilla. Honestly, I would see this as a great opportunity to cut ties with these girls and leave them in the dust.

LAM524 · June 2013

Please dont feel bad. We are strangers here and we have no reason to lie to you. You are not selfish and have no reason to feel you shifted focus. She is/was your friend and you thought you could have a heart to heart with her. No crime in that. Its her response thats the crime and tells me that SHE is not a good friend.

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

Thanks for the help everyone, I really appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go with general consensus here and cut contact with the bride at least until after the wedding. I don't want to keep feeling bad and stressing over something like this and our friendship may not have been what I thought it was anyway.

Weezy56 · June 2013

These girls are assholes. Please do not feel bad, you did nothing wrong.

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

I know I said I wouldn't contact her again, but she emailed me and I answered like an idiot. No need to respond, ladies, I know I'm a moron and I'm just bringing it on myself at this point.

As I said, I messaged her to say I was hurt that I wasn't invited to her wedding and she responded with a few reasons/insults. She has just now sent me an email saying that she's never in her life done anything to intentionally hurt someone and that she doesn't understand where all of my anger is coming from because she hasn't done anything wrong. She hopes that I am just taking a bad day out on her. (Really? You've never done anything in your entire life ever to hurt someone?) I responded to her email by trying to explain where I was coming from and why my feelings were hurt and stating that I did not expect an invitation to this wedding, but I felt like as her friend it was better to openly state that I had a problem instead of secretly nursing a grudge against her.

She has now invited a large number of people via facebook event to her wedding ceremony, making it clear that we are not welcome to attend the reception. She mentioned this in her recent email to me as well and stated that since I'm so invested in attending her wedding she'll be happy to see me at the ceremony.

It might be worth saying at this point that I won't be attending the wedding under any circumstances now. The wedding is about 6 hours out of town, I wasn't initially invited at all and now I'm only invited to the ceremony because I complained and I'm invited along with 600 other people.

It's rude to invite people to your shower and your wedding ceremony but not the reception, right? Is it churlish to tell your friend that you're offended about being excluded from the wedding and then refuse to come if she changes her mind and tells you you're allowed to come to the ceremony?

I am going to lose my cool in a serious way. Sorry for being such a pain, I've only ever attended a couple weddings and I had no idea they could be this crazy.

Ashleyz0814 · June 2013

Wow. I am sorry that you are going through this with a so-called "friend." If I were you I would cut ties with her. She is not a true friend.

To answer your question, yes, I believe it is incredibly rude to invite someone to only the ceremony and not the reception. You would hypothetically be traveling 6 hours away and you are not even allowed to attend the reception? Do not waste anymore time on this girl. She's not worth the stress.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

What is wrong with that girl?

Best advice I can give, do not engage with her. Do not respond to her or keep the conversation going at all. You won't be able to reason with someone like her. And if you DO make up, it'll on be temporary because she'll never get her head out of her ass to actually "get it". These types of "friendships" are toxic and unhealthy. Drop her.

NerdyLucy · June 2013

Your friend is a really crappy "friend." I'm sorry this happened.

anythingcanhappen15 · June 2013

Hey everyone, thanks for the advice again.

The bride just sent me another email apologizing and saying that she was not aware of the arrangements for the bridal shower.

The girl who hosted it apparently did the same thing she did to me to other people as well, a few of them have now contacted the bride and she feels terrible about it, saying she did not expect a shower or gift. The bride wasn't charged to attend the shower so she had no idea it was so expensive and she says she didn't receive my message about not being able to make the shower. Apparently the girl who hosted it was not originally invited to the wedding herself and some of the bride's other guests pushed for her to be invited after the work she put into the shower.

The mass invites to the ceremony only and barbeque next day were the bride's idea of damage control. Her groom is paying for most of the wedding, so his guest list is a lot larger than hers and she says she wanted to be clear that people could not attend the reception not to be rude but because she feels bad that she isn't paying for it. She didn't want people to feel left out but she could only invite a very small number of people and she has been getting a lot of pressure from friends and family to invite more/different people.

Bottom line is- I have made up with my "friend." I don't think we will be very good friends after this but I certainly don't want to be enemies. I will not be attending her wedding but I wished her the best. Sorry for this whole conversation being such a fiasco, thanks so much for your patience and advice everyone!

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

This is why these boards exist. If we can get through to even one girl planning something so horrific, then we've saved relationships.

missjecka · July 2013

Wow, this thread made me cringe! I can't believe that this bride let her dumbass friends plan her shower in such a tasteless way and that SHE has to be the one to experience the reactions from disappointed and hurt friends. And, to the original poster, I am so sorry you had to go through this crappy situation!

I'm sending this to my maid of honor so she knows what not to do for my bridal shower!

Expected to attend and guilted about the bridal shower, but not invited to the wedding

Re: Expected to attend and guilted about the bridal shower, but not invited to the wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards