Hi everyone,
Having an exceptionally emotional day. Please, I know its long, dont hate me. Back story: My biological father "disappeared" from our lives when I was 9 yrs old. My mother had told my siblings that we had passed away but I knew the truth (so I thought). When I was in my thirties my step father passed away and my father emailed giving him his condolences. As a result, we had a phone "relationship" for about a year before he came to visit and meet with all of my siblings. He explained the REAL reason he was not in our lives. They all eventually understood. Me...I understood his truths but was devastated. I had lived all those years thinking he was gone because he molested me but that wasnt the truth. In time, I fell in love with him. Actually, it may be hard to understand but I never stopped loving him.
After he returned home about a yr later, the communication just stopped! I had managed to forgive him for molesting me and he just threw me away. Again.
9 years passed before I heard from him again, last May. He told me that he thought he was sick and had more tests to take. I eventually asked him if he was afraid, anticipating he would say no (he was a tough guy) he said yes. Explained he wasnt ready to die because he needed to make things right with his children. My heart cracked open. I was so mad and confused! He was dying! Son of a bitch called me just to leave me again, but for good! I pushed through my selfish feelings. We maintained phone contact and I planned on visiting in July. As I was packing my car up (Saturday) to go see him, I received a surprising call that he was admitted to hospice. (the Wednesday prior he was given 3-6 months). He couldnt speak and was in a "coma." The phone was put up to his ear and I told him I was on my way and to hang on. When I told him that I loved him and that he was a good man, he let out a very loud, high pitched moan. It scared the hell out of me. He did this 2 more times as I told him that I loved him. I was later told that he opened his eyes and tears streamed down his face.
My father passed an hour later. I will never know what he was trying to say to me. Nobody could make it out (room full of relatives). Apparently everyone was shocked that he responded. That fact that he did respond to me, I hold so tight. I have to believe that he responded because he loved me. There was no funeral for him and his ashes remain unclaimed. To think of my father brings such heartache. Pain I cant describe, other then to say its very physical...my heart hurts.
Now, here I am planning my wedding. I cried thinking about my dad (nobody knows this) during my 1st wedding dance 28 yrs ago. All I ever wanted was that dance with my dad...not money, clothes, shoes etc. just a dance. I told him this and I thought we would have our dance but now hes gone. Ive asked my Uncle to dance with me because he has been a constant in my life...my whole life. Needless to say, it has been extremely difficult trying to find a song and not think of my dad during the process.
I found the song. First let me say, that I really want to do this dance, deep down, but I am so afraid. I don't want to feel feelings about my father. Im thinking about avoiding it all together. It seems its the only way but Im struggling because I do want to honor my Uncle in this way. The song by Heartland called "I loved her first." There is a lyric in there that I am caught up on and dont know what to do. I can leave it or my FI can sing the song with a changed lyric and record it. The verse goes:
"But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first"
Do you think people will get caught up on "father?" Should we change it to "Uncle?" Does anyone have any advice on how I could process all of this? I wont talk to anyone (friends/family) about it because I dont want all eyes on me (if I do the dance) thinking "poor her." I tend to avoid hurtful situation and end up regretting in the end. Like I said, deep down I want to dance with my Uncle. Besides the one word, the song is absolutely true and perfect. His loved fills me in ways that a healthy fathers love would.
