Is this cold feet? Is it normal?

SBmini · June 2013

My fiance and I have been together for nearly a decade. Last week I secured my venue and suddenly this fear came over me that I was making the wrong decision. I'm not sure exactly why. We both love each other very much and we share in the same interests. I guess I just think he doesn't push me to be better like I push him. Is this normal?

kipnus · June 2013

Well, I don't believe in the concept of "the one." Will he be absolutely committed to you and to making your marriage work? Can you live happily with him as he is, not counting on him to change after your wedding?

I think as you get closer to the wedding, you'll be better able to sort out if you're nervous about the wedding, being married in general, or being married to your fiance. On my wedding day, I was a nervous wreck, but I knew it had nothing to do with my fiance. A year later, I'm very happily married!

MuppetFan · June 2013

I'm cutting and pasting a bit from another post this week....

Do you have substantiated doubts about marrying your fiance? Do you have unresolved problems? Are you 100% happy and accepting of him with all of his faults right now? Are you prepared to live with those until one of you drops dead?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/6837488/#Comment_6837488

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

The timing of just after getting the venue seems important to me. How have you felt in the past when making large financial decisions? Have you bought a car and worried you didn't get the best model? Not to say your FI is like a car, ha. But having the stereotypical wedding is extremely expensive, and can make you question your choices if you're not used to spending that much money.

QueerFemme · June 2013

SBmini said:

My fiance and I have been together for nearly a decade. Last week I secured my venue and suddenly this fear came over me that I was making the wrong decision. I'm not sure exactly why. We both love each other very much and we share in the same interests. I guess I just think he doesn't push me to be better like I push him. Is this normal?

was the fear that you are making the wrong decision about the VENUE, or about your future husband? I don't think it's "normal" cold feet to be second guessing whether or not he is the right person for you. Cold feet (at least, in my opinion) is holy shit, I'm getting married, wow, this is a big decision, holy crap, this is like, forever." type of stuff.

If you are thinking, wow, this guy doesn't really push me or make me a better person like I do for him. Or, "wow... this person really irritates the shit out of me. Can I live with with him, exactly who he is today, for the next 50 years?"

When you get married, you have to be ready to accept that person for who they are today. Not hoping they will change. or become more motivated, or start pushing you in a different way. They are who they are today, and while aging and growing will mean there will be changes, you can't get married hoping that will happen.

So, my answer is, It really depends on how serious those "oh shit" feelings are. Anxiety or some fear is normal. Questioning the worth or value of your partner in your life, not so much.

SBmini · June 2013

I didn't realize it at the time, but I do think locking in the venue had something to do with my feelings. I had similar feelings when we bought our house, and all of my car purchases. I talked to him last night. At first he was hurt. But the more we talked the more I realized that everything is fine. We went over the faults that we each have and how we both are OK with them. Yes, I wish he was more passionate, but he also wishes that I wasn't so quick to anger. We balance each other out in that regard.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

I'm concerned about what pushing him to be better means.

hmonkey · June 2013

SBmini · June 2013

ReturnOfKuus said:

I'm concerned about what pushing him to be better means.

He's a lot more complacent than I am. If he wants to do something, like lose weight, I throw all my support behind him, and he doesn't have the same enthusiasm in reverse.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

What does throwing your support behind him look like, specifically, in this instance?

dharmabunny · June 2013

SBmini said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

I'm concerned about what pushing him to be better means.

He's a lot more complacent than I am. If he wants to do something, like lose weight, I throw all my support behind him, and he doesn't have the same enthusiasm in reverse.

Now this is getting interesting. What exactly does this dynamic look like? Is this "he's not supportive" or more like "the enthusiasm has to come from yourself, not prodded by someone else"

SBmini · June 2013

He's not enthusiastic. I don't feel like he actively pushes me to be a better person, and I wish he did.

thejucheidea · June 2013

Maybe he loves you the way you are and doesn't think you can get any better than that, as you're already perfect to him.

VarunaTT · June 2013

10 years. And you're just now getting married.

I think somewhere around 6, maybe 7 is where you're either "we're partners but don't want to marry" or DTMFA.

I mean hell, even Brad and Angelina have finally agreed to wed.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

SBmini said:

He's not enthusiastic. I don't feel like he actively pushes me to be a better person, and I wish he did.

So in other words, you aren't going to tell us what you "pushing him to be a better person" looks like.

SBmini · June 2013

I believe that couples are best when they push each other to be better. Whether it be telling the other person they can keep going on a hike, or encouraging them to strive for a promotion. In this specific example- I throw out junk food, change what I cook, pack healthy snacks, make sure we go to the gym together. Anything I can to be supportive.

Heffalump · June 2013

ReturnOfKuus said:

SBmini said:

He's not enthusiastic. I don't feel like he actively pushes me to be a better person, and I wish he did.

So in other words, you aren't going to tell us what you "pushing him to be a better person" looks like.

I was curious about that, too. "Honey, don't give up, I know you can make it through med school," is one thing, "put down those chips and go for a run, fatty" is quite another. I'd like to know where she is on the spectrum.

hmonkey · June 2013

GBCK · June 2013

So, have you 2 actually TALKED about this pushing?

Does he like these pushes? Does he dislike these pushes?

If you tell him what 'push' you want, will he try to participate?

Does HE believe couples should push e/o to be better? (and by believe, does he articulate that view or does he merely smile and nod and say 'yeah that' when YOU do?)

Thel ine between 'encourage' and 'nag' is a moving target

LakeR2014 · June 2013

@SBmini Please give an example of what he's not doing to 'push' you. As the weight example you used is great for him, but leaves little for him to do (as you do the cooking/shopping) except to say 'I'm proud of you" "Wow, you're looking great." Or in the promotion sector, unless he works with you or has a way of helping you do your work, outside of 'You can totally handle this deal," "this one's all you, you've got it." I don't know what other support or 'pushing' he can offer.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

Heffalump said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

SBmini said:

He's not enthusiastic. I don't feel like he actively pushes me to be a better person, and I wish he did.

So in other words, you aren't going to tell us what you "pushing him to be a better person" looks like.

I was curious about that, too. "Honey, don't give up, I know you can make it through med school," is one thing, "put down those chips and go for a run, fatty" is quite another. I'd like to know where she is on the spectrum.

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to figure out.

6fsn · June 2013

Do you need to be pushed? Do you resent pushing him? Does he enjoy being pushed?

I know in our relationship I'd be pissed if DH threw out my junk food. That's something I needed to do when I was ready. When his cholesterol was high he had to get on the workout. I could take care of other things to make time, but he had to do it. I wouldn't enjoy nagging about it and he wouldn't enjoy hearing it.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

6fsn said:

Do you need to be pushed? Do you resent pushing him? Does he enjoy being pushed?

I know in our relationship I'd be pissed if DH threw out my junk food. That's something I needed to do when I was ready. When his cholesterol was high he had to get on the workout. I could take care of other things to make time, but he had to do it. I wouldn't enjoy nagging about it and he wouldn't enjoy hearing it.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Maybe he equates 'pushing' with 'nagging'. Also, it is something that needs to be done by yourself. There's only so much 'support' that can be offered, determination must come from within.

SBmini · June 2013

GBCK said:

So, have you 2 actually TALKED about this pushing?
Does he like these pushes? Does he dislike these pushes?
If you tell him what 'push' you want, will he try to participate?
Does HE believe couples should push e/o to be better? (and by believe, does he articulate that view or does he merely smile and nod and say 'yeah that' when YOU do?)

Thel ine between 'encourage' and 'nag' is a moving target

He's admitted to me that he lacks discipline and needs help to stay on track. I, however, don't lack motivation to get things done. But, as I said before, I feel that couples should encourage each other to be better. He doesn't encourage me to be better.

hmonkey · June 2013

1. "I, however, don't lack motivation to get things done."
2. "He doesn't encourage me to be better." ---> i know i should be better
3. ??? + definition of "better"
4. profit!

GBCK · June 2013

that kinda doesn't answer whether or not he WANTS your help.

It answers that he has said he could USE help...but that's not at all the same thing as WANTING it.

(I like that my husband is an organized person--it's helpful. At the same time, there are parts of it taht are over-particular and damn irritating. So, sure, I can use his help to organize the office...but I don't WANT it--because if he helps me, within 20 minutes I want to stick a compass into his left temple and a protractor up his nose)

It sounds like this is a basic personality characteristic for him (basically, being 'laid back'/undisciplined)-that he doesn't have a great deal of self-discipline. And it sounds like you want him to have the self discipline to not only motivate himself but to help motivate you--you say that it's part and parcel of what you think couples are expected to do for each other.

And...that's not going to happen. You're asking him to change fundamental parts of who he is--even if he does, it won't be 'real'.

I'm thinking at this point the question is, how realistic is your expectation of what couples should do (eh), how important is that expectation to you, and...is it what you REALLY want or is it what you think you're supposed to want?

dharmabunny · June 2013

GBCK said:
I'm thinking at this point the question is, how realistic is your expectation of what couples should do (eh), how important is that expectation to you, and...is it what you REALLY want or is it what you think you're supposed to want?

This. At what point do you realize that "couples should...." is kinda global horse manure for self-help book gurus? The "should" is more like, couples should do what ACTUALLY works effectively between the two people in that relationship, and not be overtly or covertly destructive.

I still don't get the sense you truly understand where he comes from. You just keep going on like FI is the exact same person as you, and then you get flustered when he's actually not. If you don't actually get outside yourself to understand where this personality trait is coming from or his actual MO that he may not be upfront about (he was happy where he was, until you pester the sh!t out of him, then he goes forth just so you'll STFU) you're going to have one devil of a time actually fixing it, or engaging effectively.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2013

It is also worth considering what your definition of "better" is, and what your expectation says to him. You may think "I'm pushing him to be better," while he might think "I secretly think I'm fine as-is, and I really wish someone loved me enough to agree."

Is this cold feet? Is it normal?

Re: Is this cold feet? Is it normal?

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