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NWR - Donating to family for funeral expenses

daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I've been mostly absent lately (hardly even lurking!)... DH and I closed on our house almost two weeks ago and I haven't had knotting on my mind.  I'm back tonight with a question about funeral expenses.  My best friend's (middle groomsman in sig, let's call him V) mom passed away last night after a long battle with cancer.  We have a large tight-knit group of friends, and a bunch of us have decided to go in on a nice floral arrangement as well as a donation in his mom's name.  I asked V if his family had discussed a charity they would like donations made to, and he said they had not thought about it.  I told him that I was prepared to make a donation if they would like that, but I would also be happy to make a donation to the family to help with funeral expenses.  He said that would be great, and talked with his family about it.

Is there any way the family can set up an account that friends and family could contribute to?  That is, if someone were to ask if they can help or make a donation?  I want to know if this is kosher.  Either way, the crew and I will most likely give V a check.

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Re: NWR - Donating to family for funeral expenses

  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Did HE bring it up to you to help with the funerals costs or did you bring it up? I would just donate how you wish (to either with you circle of friends) and not worry about other people, since, at least in my circle, it isn't customary to donate to the actual services. 

    Good for you for being by your friend during this time. 
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    misssunshine17 said:
    Did HE bring it up to you to help with the funerals costs or did you bring it up? I would just donate how you wish (to either with you circle of friends) and not worry about other people, since, at least in my circle, it isn't customary to donate to the actual services. 

    Good for you for being by your friend during this time. 
    I brought it up. I was more or less wondering if it would be appropriate for the family to tell those who ask that they have set up an account, such as a Jane Doe Memorial Fund. 
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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
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    I'd just give V the check....I'd probably mail it to him with a card.
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    To me, a Jose Doe Memorial Fund sounds like it would be used for a scholarship or something else, not for funeral funds. If they need money for the funeral, by all means, you and your friends can do that though. 
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    When my dad died we listed a church and a charity for donations but some also made donations directly to my mom to help cover expenses or for her to pass along to a charity.  Just make the donation directly to the family and they will use it as they see fit. A memorial fund at a bank isn't really appropriate in this situation.
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  • 32daisies32daisies member
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    My mother died when I was in my 20s, and very suddenly. No dad in the picture, and I was still living at home. Although she had some insurance, there were suddenly a plethora of bills, expenses, arrangements to take care of. I had to take care of the rent, utilities, become a grown-up, and grieve for my mother all at once. A number of very kind people, people she'd worked with, or friends, sent cards with checks in them. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous, and I'd had no idea that people ever do that, and certainly didn't expect it. But fwiw, it helped a LOT, in a time I really needed help. I wrote a thank you note to every person who so much as sent a sympathy card, I was so grateful for all the support. It helped me through a very difficult time, both monetarily and emotionally.

    Anyhow, my point is, I'd just send a check, and a card, and they will appreciate it, I am sure.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    Thank you for the information.  Certainly every circle is different, but it's helpful to know that some people will write a check to the family without even a suggestion.  I will pass this info along to V, and as I said, we will write a check to the family to help out a little bit.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
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    I've always thought it's common to bring your card and any donation to the Visitation.
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree that people will send a check if they want to, but also there is usually a box at the funeral home with little envelopes in it to make a donation to the family. It's very inconspicuous, but people can be directed to it by a funeral director if they ask.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
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    misssunshine17 said:
    To me, a Jose Doe Memorial Fund sounds like it would be used for a scholarship or something else, not for funeral funds. If they need money for the funeral, by all means, you and your friends can do that though. 

    ditto this.  I think it's totally fine to give them financial support if you want to, but setting up a fund seems a little misleading.

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  • keochankeochan member
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    A few years ago a friend of mine was killed in a bad accident. Myself and I know several others gave both anonymously and not to the family to help with the cost of the funeral. I personally sent a sympathy card with a check, without mentioning what it was for.
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  • LavenderHoneyBeeLavenderHoneyBee member
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    Its fairly common (if not a little odd) to give families a check. 
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