Help With Mom?

mntower · June 2013

Groom here!

My mother. OH LORD MY MOTHER.

So my mom belongs to a social club/bridge club thing that women in their 60s belong to I guess. They get together every month, celebrate birthdays, drink and cut loose. They also invite each other to each other's weddings.

So now we get married and, of course, my mom is inviting all her friends. They are also footing most (not all) of the bill. Probably 10k of a 17k affair. They gave us the money 'no strings attached'. This is a total of 50 guests that she is inviting to our wedding. This accounts for 1/3 of our entire wedding.

So we say fine. Whatever. As long as we get our special day, you can invite your bridge club. We go on our merry way planning our special day.

Our close friend/graphic designer/Maid of Honor creates our invitations. They are bright/colorful and include caricatures of me and my fiance. We send them to mom to see. She writes back the following (please note there is no humor in the invitations):

"You guys have done a beautiful job of organizing the wedding. It is going to be a wonderful celebration.

I have only one request. The invitations are great for your set of friends. My group will not get the humor. I would like to order invitations that are a little more formal for my guest list. That way you can still do the cartoons and I can have ones with a little more information on them for our guests."

So this throws both myself and my bride to be into a tail spin of frustration, anger and resentment.

Is my mom overstepping her bounds here? She has already invited 50 people WE DON'T KNOW to our wedding and now she wants to send them a different invitation. Well why not just have a different wedding?! This is hurting my Fiance's feelings and it is causing there to be a rift between us and them.

Any help with what we should do would be really great. I'm stressed, my fiance is stressed. I don't want to end up resenting my parents.

Update Before we could even email her, mom texted me to apologize for her 'negative comments' so all is well. I love my mom, she just gets a little worked bout about things sometimes. I think we are going to include a line about 'Jeff and Nancy invite you to come eat with us" or something to that effect.

CallaLily25 · June 2013

Unfortunately, I'd say you have to honor her request since she's footing the bill. Even if someone claims there are "no strings attached" when giving money, it does give them some authority over decisions that they wouldn't have had if not contributing. I can understand why you and your FI would be annoyed. I would be, too. It seems like she was attempting to be nice through her email and reach some sort of compromise on the invitations so that everyone is happy. If she's paying for the invitations though, I would just go with it.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

Honestly, I would just tell her that you and your FI are paying for the invitations and that you like them the way they are and will not be ordering different invites for a select group of guests.

I would also make it known what the money she gave you is being used for. That way she only has a say in those items. So just don't use her money for the invites.

ETA: edited for spelling

CallaLily25 · June 2013

Just popping back in to say that I like Maggie's suggestion. It's a great way to ensure that she doesn't have say over every little thing.

gailpete · June 2013

Ask her exactly what information is missing? I'm guessing it is her name. As long as your invitations comply with the etiquette rules, tell her you are using yours. Maybe you can modify yours to include what information she feels is missing. Also, remember that the invitations are supposed to help convey the formality of your event. If you are having a more traditional formal wedding, she may think that your invites are too casual.

If you do give in on letting her order invitations, make sure she gives them to you to be addressed (and that you ge the entire order), or you will have no control over how many she ultimately sends out. Those 50 people may turn into 75.

Good luck.

MairePoppy · June 2013

If your mom's name is on those invitations, she should have been consulted on the style and the wording. I hate saying that because I think your mom is being a PITA. Try to get her to see it from your point of view. You, not your fi, should remind her that quite a large sum of her contribution is going directly towards hosting her friends. You should tell her that it's important to both of you that the same invitations are used for all the guests. I'm curious, what kind of extra information would be included on her invitations? If it's registry info - that should never go on a wedding invitation, it it's info about an extra wedding related event that she's hosting for her friends, then she should send out separate invitations to that.

I'm not quite there, yet, but most women I know who are in their 60's work full time jobs, raised a family, take care of their own homes, some work out at the gym or volunteer for civic or charity work and help out with their grandchildren. They're too damn busy and exhausted to play bridge and plan monthly birthday parties. Bridge club isn't 'that thing' that women in their 60's belong to.

mntower · June 2013

You are correct that her name is not in the invitation. We are having a semi formal wedding. I am not wearing a standard tuxedo and the event is outdoors with lawn games and food. The whole theme is to be rustic, outdoors and fun. i think a lot of this is that it is very bright and colorful and again her name is not on it. I understand what she wants but I feel like we are being bullied.

MairePoppy · June 2013

They sound appropriate for the type of wedding you're planning. We gave our DD and SIL money for their wedding budget and then we really stayed out of it. The money was a gift in the true sense of the word.

If you think your mom is trying to bully you. Stand up to her. Tell her that you and fi are happy with the invitations and you will be sending the same invitation to all the guests. Period. Then don't hang around for the argument. You will have to do this with your mom a few time, on various issues, before she realizes that you're an adult and that you and fiancee are a team. Don't back down. Good luck.

By the way, it's nice hearing from a groom who is trying to resolve this issue with his mom/family. Usually, it's the bride posting about her bossy, interfering FMIL and her fi who won't stand up for her. I'm sure your fi appreciates that you are handling it.

ETA: The invitation is supposed to reflect the formality of the event. The formal invitation would be inappropriate for a rustic wedding.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

Ditto Maggie and Marie's 2nd post. With your clarification of the invite and type of event. I think your invite sounds appropriate. As long as you already have all of your mother's friends addresses, I think you should just tell her that this is the invite you are sending to all guests, end of story. I wouldn't even try to explain that these invites match the formality of the wedding, etc. Trying to give your mom an explanation about why, will only give her something to say back. And if you mom ends up sending a separate set of invites out herself, she will look like the foolish one.

You said your mom's name isn't on the invite. Did you use "Together with their parents/families" as the opening line or do you not mention any parents whatsoever on the invite? This is probably what she is hung up on more than the design.

tammym1001 · June 2013

If your Mom is paying for a large chunk of the wedding and she wants her name on the invitation as the host then I don't see why you wouldn't put it on there. Anytime I've seen advice given on here as how to list parents on invitations they always say if they're hosting then their name should be on there. Also, she probably wants it on there for her friends so when they get it they know it's for her son. They may not recognize your name or even the last name if this is a club with 50 or more people but seeing her first name will help them realize who it's for.

Viczaesar · June 2013

tammym1001 said:

If your Mom is paying for a large chunk of the wedding and she wants her name on the invitation as the host then I don't see why you wouldn't put it on there. Anytime I've seen advice given on here as how to list parents on invitations they always say if they're hosting then their name should be on there. Also, she probably wants it on there for her friends so when they get it they know it's for her son. They may not recognize your name or even the last name if this is a club with 50 or more people but seeing her first name will help them realize who it's for.

Paying is not the same as hosting.

aurianna · June 2013

If she's paying for most of the wedding, personally I'd at least put "together with their families" on the invite, if not her full name.
I know paying doesn't always equal hosting, but if a third of the guest list is hers, truthfully she probably will be doing a lot of the hosting with her crowd. Assuming you get the cute invites you want, her name on it is a concession I'd personally make.

Aside from her basically indicating that she didn't like the invites for her crowd, you didn't really mention anything else she's interfered with with (and even the note, while pushy, sounded fairly polite and complimentary).
If she truly has given you this money and has let you plan your entire wedding with little to no strings attached, I'd throw her a bone or two. But again, that's more my personal opinion than an etiquette judgement.

ETA:
As PP said, I probably wouldn't say "semi-formal." Semi-formal doesn't mean informal. I hear that I generally think cocktail attire, but no full out formal gowns. And I bet other people interpret it differently... which makes it confusing.
If I got an invite with caricatures and knew it was outside with games, if it was lunch time or early afternoon I'd probably wear a sundress or a fun skirt and blouse. And that's not semi-formal. So I'd stick to just not classifying the formality and let the venue and invites speak for themselves.

kking1982 · June 2013

I agrees with Tammy and aurianna. If it is a simple addition that will make your mom happy, I say go for it. We are also having a casual outdoor wedding. I do not plan on including any dress info on the invitation. Instead I did make mention of "dressy casual" on our wedding website. When I see "Semi-formal" I think a nice dress with heels. Heels are going to be a problem when walking on grass.

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