Wedding Party

MoH Plus One

My maid of honor got out of a long term relationship last October. She has not seriously dated anyone else since then. Recently, she has been inquiring about her plus one at our wedding. I don't know what to tell her! I have know her for 10+ years, and she is very familiar with my family, as well as the bridal party/other guests (we have know a few others for 10+ years who will be in attendance). What I've read/been told is that someone is not warranted a plus one unless they have been dating that person for at least a year or lives with them. I was raised pretty old school and am having a traditional church wedding. The other day she proposed her two ideas on the subject if we allowed her a plus one. The first was a 'man friend' if she met someone by the wedding (which is in less then 5 months) or to bring her roommate whom I have met a handful of times (she is from a newer friend group of the MoH). I don't want to drive a wedge between us, we are also in the process of planning my bachelorette party, but I don't find it acceptable for her to bring a guest. She will not be the only single attendant either; we're having 10 people standing up and 2 others are single; 2 others may come alone due to scheduling conflicts. Are we being inconsiderate??

Re: MoH Plus One

  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    My maid of honor got out of a long term relationship last October. She has not seriously dated anyone else since then. Recently, she has been inquiring about her plus one at our wedding. I don't know what to tell her! I have know her for 10+ years, and she is very familiar with my family, as well as the bridal party/other guests (we have know a few others for 10+ years who will be in attendance). What I've read/been told is that someone is not warranted a plus one unless they have been dating that person for at least a year or lives with them. I was raised pretty old school and am having a traditional church wedding. The other day she proposed her two ideas on the subject if we allowed her a plus one. The first was a 'man friend' if she met someone by the wedding (which is in less then 5 months) or to bring her roommate whom I have met a handful of times (she is from a newer friend group of the MoH). I don't want to drive a wedge between us, we are also in the process of planning my bachelorette party, but I don't find it acceptable for her to bring a guest. She will not be the only single attendant either; we're having 10 people standing up and 2 others are single; 2 others may come alone due to scheduling conflicts. Are we being inconsiderate??
    Firstly,  yes, some books say that... but it's trash. A couple is a social unit. It's not up to you to judge the seriousness of a relationship. Some people get engaged after a week. Some people are "together" for two years but don't even consider themselves exclusive. If ANY of your guests consider themselves in a relationship, invite them with their SO even if they haven't been together for over a year or don't live together. By splitting up social units like that it makes you look incredibly judgmental. And it's kind of hypocritical to invite people to the celebration of your love but then not let them bring their own love because they haven't met some arbitrary relationship timeline.

    Now. You say she's single. If she's truly single than you do not need to invite her with a guest... but it's usually a very nice gesture to invite people in the wedding party with guests even if they are single. And if she just got out of a long relationship, even more so.

    So invite all SOs of everyone, even if they aren't living together. And if you have room in your budget it would be very nice to let her bring a date/friend and let her sit with him at dinner.

    If you really don't have room to give single guests (or at least single WP guests) a plus one, tell her you're sorry but you weren't planning on extending +1s.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    So I'm eating Krave cereal for lunch. Is that bad?

    DP.
  • Thanks for the input! Just wanted to add, she is the only one thus far who has asked about a plus one. Also, wedding party is sitting together, so her date/friend would be sitting....we don't know where yet! The SOs of others in the wedding party are going to sit with who they know i.e. I have a work friend standing up, so her husband will sit with other people from my office because that's who he knows, etc.
  • Its not a question of whether I would have invited him if I knew you had been dating for 2 months, but whether it was implied/I had been told you guys were serious and I had met him!

    I apologize if I've offended people with my etiquette comment- like i said its what I've heard and how I was raised. Didn't say I would follow it letter by letter. But I wouldn't appreciate someone bringing a stranger (as to me and the groom) to my wedding either....
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    I've decided this will be my double post instead of the one below it. Take that Double Post gods!
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think it's good etiquette to let people in the wedding party have +1s. You haven't mentioned anything about budget or venue guest limits, so it doesn't sound like you couldn't fit in +1s at all.

    My partner and I are on a super tight budget, so we will definitely have to limit our guest list based on that budget, and possibly based on venue size. We are including a +1 for my bridesmaid who is currently single, even if we don't extend +1s to other single guests.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • We have a few singles in our WP that we are giving +1's to. As a few PP said, they are obivously special people to you why not give them the option to bring a date.

    Although I do agree I think its weird when someone wants to bring a random girlfriend just because she can, when she already knows alot people there.

    image


    Anniversary
  • I don't think that it is fair to impose the one year rule on anyone. What if she finds a man that she loves by the time of your wedding? My husband and I were married within 3 months of meeting, so I most defintely don't think that this is fair.
  • I'm just having trouble understanding why this wasn't resolved within the conversation of her asking for the plus one with "yes'.

    This is your best friend of over 10 years. She's accepted the honor of standing beside you at your wedding because she loves you, I assume she's investing money into your day out of this love as well....and you have to come and ask internet strangers if you're being inconsiderate by denying this request?

    Yes, you are being inconsiderate. If my best friend did this to me, it would impact our relationship. I would feel disrespected and hurt and I'd think you were outright cheap.

    Also, have you ever been at a wedding or any social event where you were separated from your SO or the person you came from? It's intensely uncomfortable. Please consider including the SOs at the table. Have multiple tables if you need.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • I have to ditto the PPs about sitting SO together. If you are having your WP sit up with you at the table, please let the people in your party with SO sit with each other. If that ends up being to many people, then go with a sweetheart table.

    As for the plus one, was your MOH told she already had a plus one? If so, you cannot take it back even though her relationship with her ex didn't last. If you were expecting her to bring a guest in the first place, it would be nice to still allow her that.
    Anniversary
  • Would you let her bring a +1 if the +1 was a Muppet Overlord?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I do not think it is necessary for her to bring a plus one. She will know most people at the wedding. I think she is worried about feeling left out among the couples.I also think the one year traditional stuff is a bit silly. If someone is a couple they should be able to come.
  • 1.  She is likely spending a decent amount of money to be in your wedding, and she's been your friend for 10 YEARS...and you can't let her bring a guest?

    2.  I understand you read the '1 year rule' somewhere, but hopefully you've seen by now how stupid it is.  Don't use that for any of your guests.  

    3.  It makes no difference whether you know the SO or not, you know the person you invited, and as a host, it's your responsibility to make sure your guests are comfortable and have a good time.  Including someone's SO definitely falls into that category.

    4.  Please, please, please rethink doing a head table.  It's rude to split couples, and it's not fun for anyone involved.  At a friend's wedding, I sat with the date of one of the GMs who was absolutely miserable because she didn't know anyone, and hadn't gotten to see her BF all day (the GM had to be there early for pictures, then the ceremony, and then all through dinner too...it's a lot).  Or another scenario, at my sister's wedding, I was stuck up at the head table while my H got to sit with friends.  I was bored out of my skull and self conscious about 200 people watching me eat, while he was actually enjoying himself. 
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm sure that people have reasons for head tables besides tradition, but I could not even imagine doing one.
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  • She's a 10+ year friend.  She's your MOH.  She's throwing you a bachelorette party, FFS.  (That you seem to be helping plan for some reason.)  

    Be a friend and let her bring a date.  It's not going to blow your budget or ruin your day.  Your friend is obviously uncomfortable coming solo.  Be a freaking friend and make an exception for her.

    Of course, she should sit next to this date.  Putting WP dates and SOs someplace else is very rude.  Remember, these are people you love and want to honor.  You should want them to enjoy your wedding.  
  • scribe95 said:
    We did the head table thing - albeit years ago - and it wasn't a problem. I have to admit at the time I had no idea it was rude. Now I understand some people consider it the worst thing you can do. It just doesn't bug me. I went to a wedding yesterday that my husband was in. He was at the head table. I was at another table. Didn't bother me at all. I caught up with other people until after his "duties" were done and then we danced and hung out the rest of the night.
    I'm glad it didn't bother you, but I know when it happened to me I was very uncomfortable. If the SO doesn't know many people (which is totally possible since they aren't the one close to the couple) it really might not be fun to sit with strangers all through dinner. Why put a guest through that when it's mind numbingly simple to put them with their SO?

    I've only been a BM once, but I know I was way happier to be seated with my husband than I would have been to be "honored" by sitting up in front of a ton of people only really being able to talk to the person on each side of me while my husband would have been sitting with the boyfriends of the bridesmaids he doesn't know very well.

    The wedding party gets to walk down the aisle. And they can be announced in the reception. Being put on display at a head table really isn't necessary at that point, and you can bet that each and every one of their dates would appreciate getting to sit with them instead.
  • My FI was a GM in one of his best friend's weddings. I had met the couple maybe twice before they got married. They did all of the pictures before the ceremony, so I was by myself for probably 1-2 hours, then I had to sit by myself during the ceremony as I literally knew NO ONE at the entire wedding besides my FI. Then at the reception I had to sit by myself for at least 20 minutes while the WP all sat at a head table. This was extremely uncomfortable and awkward. I know you say that your MOH knows a lot of people, and that you think she is just worried about feeling left out among the couples. Well let me ask you this. I'm not trying to be a b----, but how would YOU feel if you were the only one by yourself amongst all couples? If she is your best friend, you want her to be comfortable. Let her bring a guest. Heck, even if she doesn't have a boyfriend she may want to bring one of her other girl friends as her +1. Everyone in my WP is getting a +1 even if they don't have a SO. Just please try to consider her feelings. It's not going to do you any harm in having one more person on the guest list for someone who is apparently very important to you. As far as a head table goes, I guess if you want to do one for pictures go ahead, but please don't make her stay there if she has a date. You should allow her a +1 and if she chooses in the end not to use it, then that is her choice. 
  • What you've read about defining relationships is wrong; please don't do that. Anyone in a relationship gets to bring their SO, regardless of how long they've been dating.

    Even if you're not allowing most people to invite +1s, I'd let your MOH bring one. You certainly don't have to, but she is standing up for you on your wedding day, and she is just get out of a long-term relationship. You have time to figure this out, though.

    One of my BMs just ended a relationship with a guy she's been seeing for 2+ years. She still wants to bring a +1 to my wedding. Even though we're not allowing +1s to single guests, I'm no saying no to her. She's one of my best friends, this break-up has been hard for her, and I want her to be comfortable.

    Also, head tables are awful. I've been a BM five times, with five head tables, and I've hated everyone of them. Please don't do one.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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