Weird situation with future mother-in-law

Re: Weird situation with future mother-in-law

• Teddy917 member

  

  June 2013

  You should still invite him. Seat them away from anyone who can't act like adults. Although I would hope your guests can be adults for one day.

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• daisey18 member

  

  June 2013

   She is married to this man- so NO. It is not acceptable to only invite her.

  You say she married her new husband as soon as her divorce was final. I'm going to assume her divorce took at least six months? So now your groom and his father have had at least six months and one day to accept that this is what it is. After 30 years- she has decided to do something that she wants, for her happiness. It's time for your groom and his father to man up, accept this, and GENUINELY wish the best for her.

   My ex-husband left me with no warning on my birthday 10 years ago. He promptly impregnated someone else 2 months later.  I have always been kind and welcoming to his new family. For my children's sake, AND for the fact that my ex-husband is the father of my children. I truly want the best for him, always.

  After 30 years, and giving him a son he is proud of- your FFIL can't find it in his heart to always greet the mother of his children with a smile, no matter who she comes with? That is heartbreaking.

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• vbjess

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  No, the divorce was very quick- less than a month. She's yet to tell ANYONE why she didn't want any of the common property remaining (for all we know, FIL wrote MIL a check to settle the divorce, though).  My future father-in-law sold the farm their family had run for a very long time (my FIL was the 3rd generation), picked up and moved everything for her- then she walked out again. As far as we can tell, he did everything she asked of him to try to save the marriage. Her behavior has been very erratic lately and impossible to predict. (The first time she disappeared, she was officially a missing person.)

  
  

  I've told my fiance that I am 100% behind whatever decision he may make with his mother- that is nothing new for the two of us. All of this is still very emotionally raw. I am hoping that things will look and feel a bit more stable by the time we have to mail invitations. 

  
  

  It doesn't help that nobody has met this new guy yet (except my FIL when he found the two of them in a hotel room together while FIL and MIL were still married).  We do know that this other guy is on marriage #4, and used the money he got out of the previous divorces to finance a house, RV, and other toys. We know that she had been having an affair with this guy for the better part of a year before she left my FIL. 

  
  

  So, we are basically trying to decide if it is worth trying to put on a happy face while "the other woman" (so to speak) is in attendance at our wedding or not. We are putting a lot of time, effort, and money in our wedding. We don't want it to turn into a fiasco. My fiance and his siblings don't seem to be anywhere close to accepting this guy as a member of their family. And, I do think that we might lose our ring bearer if his mother (SIL) discovers that we've invited this other guy. (Pretty conservative, church-oriented family)

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• kerbohl member

  

  June 2013

  Her behaviour has been suddenly erratic?  That's worrisome.  People rarely start acting oddly erratic out of the blue. 
  I agree with PP - if you chose to invite her, you also invite this new man.  If FI is uncomfortable with having a stranger at your wedding, have FI meet this new man.  If he is an important part of your FMIL's life, he's going to meet him eventually, and he might be more comfortable meeting him before the wedding. 
  

  
  

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• hordol member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  After all that I probably just wouldn't invite either of them. Why would your family be mad if the guy comes but not be mad if the mom comes? She messed up too, you can't just blame this guy. I get it's a horrible situation and everything, and that your FI still wants to have a relationship with his mom, but if it's going to cause drama and strife at the wedding then I just wouldn't invite them. They can live with the consequences of heir choices.

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  June 2013

  This isn't a weird situation, with regards to your wedding, at all. She was married, got divorced, and has now remarried. So her husband must be invited. All the why's and how's of her divorce don't matter at all to whether he needs to be invited.

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• crunchymamaof2 member

  

  June 2013

  The guy in this situation did nothing wrong to your family; he's not at fault here. Having a relationship with someone who is married isn't exactly high up on the moral chain but they are both adults. If I were your FI I would def. be super hurt and probably have a hard time forgiving my mother too. I don't blame his family for their hurt feelings. But that doesn't give you guys the right to be rude by not inviting her SO. You must either invite them both or neither of them. Children should never be forced to choose sides in a divorce, and if his father and family say they won't come (or some other threat) if she does, that's forcing him to choose sides. This wedding has nothing to do with them, its about the marriage of the two of you. If they can't get past their hurt feelings to celebrate their child's union then that's on them, not you. Your FI should gently explain the guest list & seating arrangements like suggested above and then drop it.

  If this behavior if very out of the ordinary for your FMIL I'd be more worried about that then her new SO. That usually signifies something deeper is going on.

  After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  June 2013

  You'll look like an ass if you don't invite him. 

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• kmmssg mod

  

  June 2013

  I understand how much this sucks, but I would like to ask your FI to consider the scenario in this context:

  
  

  "So, your mom decides to leave your dad, tear the family apart, no explanation, and your family is threatening not to attend if her husband comes? The husband is not the one who created this situation, it is the choices your mother made.  Her husband didn't hold a gun to her head and tell her to have an affair, leave her husband, and get a divorce.  He was a participant, but SHE made all these choices willingly and chose to hurt everyone.  WHY is everyone fixated on the new husband being there, but no one seems to mind having the person who chose to put this whole mess in motion attend?"

  
  

  Everyone is focusing on the wrong person here.  If you allow the one who made the choices to attend, allowing her husband to attend with her shouldn't even be a problem.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  June 2013

  vbjess said:

  We've got a really weird situation with my future mother-in-law. After nearly 30 years of marriage, she walked out (twice, actually) on my future father-in-law last year. She literally left him a note on her pillow and walked out in the middle of the night. Father-in-law was almost completely blindsided by all of this.

  
  

  Needless to say, nobody in his family is real happy with her. Half of the family doesn't want anything to do with her anymore. My fiance has decided that he still wants to have his mother in his (our) life somehow, but he's less than pleased with her recent decisions.

  
  

  To complicate matters, she had been involved with another man, and as soon as her divorce was final, she married him. Neither of us wants him at the wedding. Fiance's family absolutely does not want this guy at the wedding. Our concern is that if we only invite my fiance's mother, she'll still show up with him.

  
  

  Is it possible to only invite her? And what should we do if he crashes the wedding??

  
  

  Thanks!

  
  

  vbjess said:

  No, the divorce was very quick- less than a month. She's yet to tell ANYONE why she didn't want any of the common property remaining (for all we know, FIL wrote MIL a check to settle the divorce, though).  My future father-in-law sold the farm their family had run for a very long time (my FIL was the 3rd generation), picked up and moved everything for her- then she walked out again. As far as we can tell, he did everything she asked of him to try to save the marriage. Her behavior has been very erratic lately and impossible to predict. (The first time she disappeared, she was officially a missing person.)

  
  

  I've told my fiance that I am 100% behind whatever decision he may make with his mother- that is nothing new for the two of us. All of this is still very emotionally raw. I am hoping that things will look and feel a bit more stable by the time we have to mail invitations. 

  
  

  It doesn't help that nobody has met this new guy yet (except my FIL when he found the two of them in a hotel room together while FIL and MIL were still married).  We do know that this other guy is on marriage #4, and used the money he got out of the previous divorces to finance a house, RV, and other toys. We know that she had been having an affair with this guy for the better part of a year before she left my FIL. 

  
  

  So, we are basically trying to decide if it is worth trying to put on a happy face while "the other woman" (so to speak) is in attendance at our wedding or not. We are putting a lot of time, effort, and money in our wedding. We don't want it to turn into a fiasco. My fiance and his siblings don't seem to be anywhere close to accepting this guy as a member of their family. And, I do think that we might lose our ring bearer if his mother (SIL) discovers that we've invited this other guy. (Pretty conservative, church-oriented family)

  
  As PP have pointed out, the mom broke up the marriage. Her now husband did not force her to do anything. She made the mistakes and you want to take it out on him? Also, whatever your FFIL did to make his marriage work was his own decision. He chose to give up the farm and move. You cannot hold it against her. Agree with PP, too, who pointed out that others saw her behavior as erratic when she probably just wanted out of the marriage and away from the man who was following her around the country. Who knows? Maybe he just couldn't let her go. You know what you need to do and your FI gets to make the decision.

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• nsweare member

  

  June 2013

  In what state an you get a divorce initiated and finalized in one month? Even the most amicable splits have to get through the court system and that takes time. The wheels of justice move awful slow.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  Ditto PPs. Everyone is focusing on the wrong person here. Your FMIL's new husband didn't do anything wrong (well, he slept with a married woman, but that action took two). You cannot punish him for her bad behaviour, which means you can't invite him and not her.
  
  However, actions have consequences.

  If what your FMIL did by her actions was so egregious to everyone, then a natural consequence to that is to be excluded from certain events. It doesn't matter that she's your FI's mother; people have to be held accountable or what they did.

  My FMIL has very serious mental health issues for which she refuses to get help or take meds. A consequence of that means that she isn't allowed to see her existing grandchild without supervision and that she won't be allowed to see FI's and my children without very serious supervision. She doesn't like it, but that's not my problem. 

  Your FI has to decide what's important to him here; having his mother there on his wedding day or standing with the family members who are mad at her. And he has to be sure and stand firm in what he decides.
  
  Also, if the erratic behaviour is new, perhaps your FMIL needs a full check-up, including a neurological exam.

  
  

  ETA: Fix typos because my smartypants phone is annoying.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2013

  Unfortunately, you cannot invite his mother without her husband.  Regardless of the role he played or didn't play in the breakup of her marriage to your FFIL, they are now a social unit and have to be treated as such.  If your FI and his family are so opposed to the husband coming, then I wouldn't invite his mother.  She will have to accept that a consequence of her decision to walk out on her family the way she did is that she is disinvited along with her new husband.
  

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• hockey20 member

  

  June 2013

  If she is invited, he must be as well. While a sometimes annoying truth, it is the truth. If you expect there to be problems, seat them as far from the FIL and his family as possible. I hope, however, that everyone will be very adult and just be happy for your and your FI's big day.

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2013

  Unfortunately you cannot invite her without her husband. I don't get what this man did wrong. She wrecked her own home so to speak. If anything, I'd think the family would be more adverse to her being there than him.
  
  You and FI need to be 100% prepared for him to be there if you invite FMIL.

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• Ajuliana member

  

  June 2013

  @retreadbride the FFIL with the prenup was me

  
  

  
  Previously Alaynajuliana

  
  

  
  

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• Ajuliana member

  

  June 2013

  Thanks for the condolences!  On the up side, I have a very cute puppy at home to cuddle when shit goes down.  FI doesn't like to cuddle much because he gets hot : /

  
  

  OP, you don't make this call, but everyone else is correct in saying that social units are invited together, period.  Believe me, we ALL have a few lesser halves we would like to not invite, but it's the nature of the wedding beast.  Sit them on the other side of the room at the coworkers table if you must.

  
  

  
  Previously Alaynajuliana

  
  

  
  

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• wittykitty14 member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  The way I see it, you have two options.  Invite the two of them together, because they are a unit.  Or, not invite the mother at all.  I recommend the first option, as the second would lead to incredibly hurt feelings.  If you invite the mother, you MUST invite her husband.

  I get where you're coming from though.  My parents got divorced a few years back, and my mom has a boyfriend, and many of us LOATHE this man.  He has done and said things that are personally offensive and I've been very hurt by both this man, and my mom's justification of his behavior.  It's a horrible situation.  And yet, FI and I have to suck it up and invite him.  We absolutely hate having to invite him.  I'm just praying that one day my mom finally realizes how horrible he really is.  But until then, we have to just deal with it the best we can.

  I'm sorry you have to deal with this!  But I'll bet that on your wedding day you'll be so happy and won't even notice that he's there.  Good luck!

  ETA: For those wondering, my parents divorce took a month, at most, to be processed and finalized.  It's definitely possible.

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