bride/bridesmaid etiquette

mehlerbride · June 2013

Having gotten married less than a year ago I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this question, but I just want to be sure. I am a bridesmaid in my friend's October wedding. She wants her bridesmaids to wear matching jewelry but instead of paying for it herself (and gifting it to us or what have you) she is demanding we pay for it. What's more, the jewelry is $60 and ordered before gathering our opinions. (Almost all of the wedding party members are in some sort of financial hardship.) She is my friend and as a bridesmaid in her wedding I do not want to gripe (I like to think I'm a compliant wedding party member) but I feel she is not following proper etiquette. I need help conveying this message to her. Or should I just drop the subject and deal with it? Thanks in advance.

AddieCake · June 2013

1. Bridesmaids should not have to wear the same jewelry. That is a very dated look.

2. Other than the dress, anything she insists you wear, she should be paying for. You're already shelling out money for a dress you may never wear again. Now you're supposed to do it for accessories, too? Jewelry is a very personal thing, so being forced to pay for something that may not even be your taste or style is absurd.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

Don't buy the jewelry. Seriously. This is micro managing something literally no one will noticed on your dime. Wouldn't fly with me. She probably wants matching shoes, too? Don't buy those either.

I was gifted earrings that made my ears bright red and the bride made a comment that everyone else was wearing their jewelry. Oops, didn't think you'd want my ear bright freaking red in your pictures.

daria24 · June 2013

Ugh I hate the Stepford Bridesmaids look.

She ordered the jewelry without asking her WP if they could afford it (even though she has no right to demand you buy particular accessories). I would politely and firmly tell her that unfortunately you cannot afford the jewelry. She can decide to pay for it herself or return it.

Blue_Bird · June 2013

Nope, not o.k. at all. Honestly, this is your friend. It shouldn't be that hard to talk to her,. Simply tell her that it's great that she has a vision, but you can't afford to finance it, and don't intend to. I often wonder how people don't spot the crazy in their friends before this sort of thing happens.

banana468 · June 2013

Just say no. "Sorry but that cost is way out of my budget. I have stuff at home that goes with the dress so I'll just wear that."

Can anyone sit with her and tell her that she's being unreasonable? My own MOH had to do that with another bride who thought all the BMs should have to buy matching clutches.

cwaggoner07 · June 2013

daria24 said:

Ugh I hate the Stepford Bridesmaids look. She ordered the jewelry without asking her WP if they could afford it (even though she has no right to demand you buy particular accessories). I would politely and firmly tell her that unfortunately you cannot afford the jewelry. She can decide to pay for it herself or return it.

Yeah, this is an awful thing for her to do, but going forward, this is the best advice. Blah, sorry you're in this position.

loca4pook · June 2013

Just point her to the knot! We will set her straight

SomethingBeautiful08 · June 2013

The bride is way out of line. Outside of the rings, the jewelry I wore for my own wedding cost less then that. Please let the bride know that it is not in your budget, and I'd be tempted to let the other bridesmaids know. It might give them the courage to tell the bride the same.

manateehugger · June 2013

I'm sorry this bride is being so yucky. Agreed- tell her it's not in your budget.

Also, for a wedding I was recently in, the bride was pushing for a spa day bachelorette that would have cost $400 for just 2 hours of the day. We had an email chain, and I simply replied all that I couldn't afford it. Two other BM's chimed in saying the same thing. Plans changed.

At the RD, both of those girls thanked me for speaking up. I wouldn't approach them individually, knowing how gossip works, but I'd say it in an email/Facebook chain if that seems appropriate.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Very rude. Tell her you can't afford it. She can decide how much it means to her to have you all wear the same jewelry - if she wants it that badly she can pay for it.

My BMs are all wearing different dresses (same designer, length and color). I wanted them all to wear the same jewelry and shoes for the ceremony and pics (i do not care what they wear after that) so I bought them - and no, it's not their gift either...

yellowdaisies84 · June 2013

Personally, I would handle this by apologizing to her. That is how I have handled when a good friend is being rude and doesn't realize it, it's much easier to say how you feel without getting their feathers ruffled if you word your feelings in an apology.

Bride,

I'm so sorry to let you know that I am having a hard time coming up with room in my budget to afford the jewelry you requested that I purchase for the wedding. I know you really want your bridesmaids to wear matching jewelry so I feel terrible- I really want you to have everything that you want on your big day. I'm so honoured to stand next to you at your wedding and I'm so excited to be your bridesmaid. I feel so bad to disappoint you but I was hoping that you'd be open to me wearing jewelry that I already own?

a) She is rude and gets mad at you.

b) She lets you wear your own jewelry

c) She offers to loan you the money to pay her back later

d) She offers to purchase the jewelry for you.

If a) you can stay calm and nice. Don't tell her that she has bad etiquette (that never goes well). Respond to what she specifically says. If she says, This was really important to me! then you can say "I know that this was really important to you. That is why I feel so bad. If she says "You can't afford $60?" you can say, "To be honest, no I can't. I have put money aside to be your bridesmaid in your wedding, it's a top priority for me, but I didn't realize that I'd be expected to buy jewelry so unfortunately I really can't afford to do that. I wish I could." (Get help on The Knot if it turns really ugly, but generally if you stay calm and nice it won't escalate too high and she's more likely to apologize to you when she realizes that you're not coming from a unrealistic or unkind place.)

If b) Great- problem solved. Don't feel guilty that you're not wearing matching jewelry. You know already that this is proper etiquette whether she realizes it or not.

If c) If she offers to loan you the money thank her and tell you that you appreciate it but that you wouldn't feel right borrowing money from her because you wouldn't be in a good position to pay her back after the wedding. Tell her that you have other wedding-related and non-wedding related expenses that you are going to save for but that this one just won't work for you.

If d) you can simply say, I feel badly to ask you to pay for it. I don't expect that. But if it's really important to you that I wear this jewelry on your wedding day then I totally understand and if this is what's best for you then it's totally your decision. And remember to thank her when she buys it for you. Even if it's your "gift" for being a bridesmaid.

Good luck!

CLoGreenEyes · June 2013

While I appreciate that yellowdaises84 is really working the kindness angle, I agree with others to simply tell her you can't afford the jewelry and will not be paying for it. I think "apologizing" for something you have no fault in gives her an opportunity to argue with you about it. "Hey Bride, I actually cannot afford the jewelry you picked out, but I have some that I can wear. So, how's planning going?" And leave it there. Repeat until she moves on.

manateehugger · June 2013

Yeah, in my opinion being overly apologetic is just going to fuel this bride and validate her rudeness. She had no right to demand he BM's pay for jewelry.

mlg78 · June 2013

As a recent bride you should also talk about how awesome The Knot is and how helpful their forums have been...you know, just casually mention this. We'll set her straight.

mehlerbride · June 2013

Thank you all for your opinions and advice! I will be talking to the bride soon. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and we can enjoy the rest of her wedding journey! I'll let everyone know how it goes! Thanks again!

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

RetreadBride said:

"Oh, I wish you'd asked before you ordered this. I can't afford it, so I must decline. Thank you for thinking of me, though. I hope you can return it and get your money back."

If she brings it up after that - bean dip, bean dip, bean dip.

Remember the proverbial turnip.

Great answer.

OP - Are you paying for your dress? How much is it? If she found everyone a very cheap dress (say under $100) I could maybe (maybe) forgive/understand this. She might think like hey, I didn't ask for an expensive BM dress, so this is okay. If that is the case, I would think it over and debate if it was worth fighting.

bride/bridesmaid etiquette

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