Overbearing mom!

Re: Overbearing mom!

• Kate61487 member

  

  June 2013

  jessidinorawr said:

  My mom and I are pretty close, we always have been and have a pretty good relationship.  However, literally every single thing I mention about my wedding, she has an opinion on and seems to make me upset. 
  Some examples:
  1) I want a kid free wedding and told her about the previous post I have on here and the discussion.  She phrases it as "we" have more research to do, and you don't understand because you don't have kids as to why that's awkward, and well what are "we" going to do about it. 
  2) When I first got engaged, I wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle.  My father has never been a part of my life and is now deceased, but my mom got really upset and seems to think that because she raised me and my sister as a single parent, that she should be the one to walk me down the aisle.  I finally gave up and decided it best for my fiancee to walk me down the aisle.  (We're having an offbeat wedding, anyway, so this won't upset me at all)
  3) I've showed her some dresses that I like and about what I do and don't like about them and it's always "Well, I always saw you in a shorter dress" and "I don't think that is what you'll really want", why don't "we" go look at other dresses, etc.
  
  She ended up crying over a few of these instances and said "I'll just shut up and not have an opinion and just pay for everything".  Well, I never asked my mom to pay for any of it and the things I'm comfortable with her having a say in are NOT these particular items.  I don't know how to tell her that this is my wedding and I've had it planned out for years, so I don't need or want her opinions on these things!  Particularly since they've so far been destructive and not helpful. 
  I know the etiquette involved with finances and her paying for part of it, she should have a say, however, I'm VERY set in the things that I've decided I want and don't want and I can't seem to get her to understand that it is NOT HER WEDDING, even though she acts like it (as indicated by the "we" comments on everything).  I need help because at this point, I don't even know that I want to have a wedding if she's going to ruin every single aspect of it....but if I decide something and don't include her, she gets upset.  She wants to be part of every decision that my fiancee and I make for the wedding and I'm not comfortable with that since we have seriously different opinions on what I want for my wedding.
  

  Okay well since you know the bolded half the battle is done.  How much is she paying?  You say "part of" I'm just trying to figure out if that's 80% or 20%, KWIM?

  You need to have a sit down chat with mom.  Let her know how much you appreciate her contribution, but you need to lay some ground rules and have her understand that ultimately this is your wedding and there are some items that, to you, are non-negotiable.  These items include your dress, who is involved in the ceremony (including who escorts you), the guest list (within reason).  See if you can get her to agree to her contribution going toward specific items and her having significant input on those items (say, flowers?  centerpieces?  invitations?  catering?)  But you have to be prepared to actually let her have her way on whatever items you offer up.  if you're not willing to give her control on anything then you need to turn down the money.

  

   
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2013

  I'd pay for things that are important to you out of your own funds and stop discussing any of the specifics of your plans with her since no matter what you decide on, she wants to rain on your parade.
  

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• tiny speck member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  She sounds manipulative. Make it clear that you are not accepting her money (and don't let her guilt-trip you into accepting; tell her you're taking care of it yourself with your FI), and then plan it how you want. If you don't want her opinions, don't share the details with her. Might be harsh, but that way you really will get to plan the wedding how you want.
  
  ETA: I read it as your mom wants to pay but you haven't accepted yet; if you have, then PPs have great advice.
  

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• vineheart137 member

  

  June 2013

  Just out of curiosity, why are you so against having your mom walk you down the aisle?

  
  

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• PhoneCardLady member

  

  June 2013

  Sadly, there are a lot of overbearing mothers out there.
  
  First, it mom pays then she does have a say.  From what I've gathered, you have not accepted anything from her, so at this point it's your call, not hers.
  
  Just because she is a single parent doesn't mean she gets dibs on walking you down the aisle.  If you feel close to your uncle, I see no reason why he cannot do it, if that's what YOU want.  Of course, brides have walked themselves down the aisle or walked with their FI.
  
  There are many reasons why couples decide to have "childless weddings".  Perhaps the bride doesn't want to have unattended or bored children...or many other reasons.  What is so awkward about having one?  I won't be having one only because none of the people who I want to invite have children.  And if they do, I'd write on the invitation Mr & Mrs John Doe.  If they RSVP with kids, just tell them the invite was only for them.
  
  It seems that YOU need to just take one or two people with you dress shopping, and not your mom.  Just for the heck of it you might want to try on one that she suggested, that way you can say that you at least tried one....
  

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• ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful member

  

  June 2013

  I'm sure your mom deep down just wants you to have the best wedding possible and it would mean a lot to her to be involved. Coming from the background of moms and grand moms perfecting what I will refer to as the Italian guilt trip, I can relate. Decide on things you have your heart set on and what you may be willing to compromise on or let her have more of a role in. If you can, pay for the portions that you do not want to compromise on and fade away planing wise from your mom in those areas, but ask for her help in other areas where you are willing to compromise.
  
  I remember dress shopping with my sister, we found a dress she liked so we brought back my mom and grand mom (mom was paying), my grand mom was was a seamstress commented on a dress on a mannequin and said that dress looks so cheap I hope that's not her dress...guess what, that was her dress and she bought it regardless of the comment. The day of her wedding my grand mom was crying and was so happy telling her how beautiful she was. Part of being a grown up and a married woman is learning to set boundaries and say no to your mom, it does take practice though!
  

  
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  Shay, it's personal to me that I want my mom to have a separate part of my wedding.  I just don't feel comfortable having my mom walk me down the aisle, and as strange as it sounds, I'd feel more comfortable having a father figure walk me down the aisle than my mom who has done a lot for me, but I consider her my mom, not my mother and father.  
  
  I have not accepted any part of my mom's offer to pay for things, we're in the very early stages of planning and until I get more in-depth I don't know what part I'll be able to pay for and what I may not be able to pay for.  I told her that my FI and I wanted to plan things ourselves and see where it goes.
  
  She has offered to pay for approximately 70% of our wedding, but I don't want her to pay that much, particularly since I'm not fond of her having a say in most of my wedding.  I'd be happier with her just letting it go because I'm not having a traditional wedding and she seems to think that it will be.  I've explained SEVERAL times that I don't want a religious wedding (since I'm not religious), that I don't want flowers (since I don't like them), I want an outdoor wedding by the river (I'm very connected with nature), that I don't want children because they get bored and are restless and I don't think they belong in what I've envisioned for myself and my wedding.  
  
  She just doesn't agree with it, and I refuse to bow down to her demands to have a wedding that I don't want.
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  It sounds like you're really particular since you say you've had your wedding planned for years. If you're particular about everything and you don't want her to have a say in anything here's what you do:

  
  

  1) give her back any money she has given you for the wedding and finance it yourself

  2) stop discussing anything wedding related with her

  
  

  Viola! You have no etiquette obligations to please her and the door is not open for discussion. Done.

  
  

  My guess is that you want to accept her money, but you want things your own way. If that's the case, pay for the things you really care about and do not discuss them with her. On the things you allow her to pay for, she gets a say. Sit down with her and discuss this. "Mom, I know you're paying for this and your perspective is important. I have envisioned it this way and it would mean a lot to me if you would be on board with that idea. If you're not I a) completely understand or b) have decided to pay for this myself." 

  
  

  Honestly, I take issue with the "I've had my wedding planned in my head for years" approach when it is not flexible. #1 - it has little/nothing to do with the FI and is completely self-centered, #2 - brides set themselves up for disappointment when things don't go exactly as planned. #3 - if a bride is accepting money from people, that approach generally does not the respect the "s/he who pays gets a say" rule. These three things are a recipe for a bridezilla who has the MY DAY, I don't care who's paying, and dramatically upset when things aren't "perfect" outlook. I'm totally not saying you will become one or that this will happen to you. Just be careful. It can be easy to get carried away and forget that this is you and the love of your life getting married. That's it. Everything else is fluff.

  
  

  ETA: clarify the "s/he who pays gets a say". I need coffee. 

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  June 2013

  You don't seem to be very far in your planning yet.  So right now, I would budget the wedding so that mom doesn't pay a dime.  Create a monthly budget for yourself.  See how you spend your money right now.  See how much you could logically save by your prospective wedding date.  Also can you cut out any extras, like Starbucks coffee, eating out multiple times per week, etc.  Or even pick up a 2nd job?  Now, for example you can save $100 per month for the next 12 months.  You entire wedding budget is $1200.  Then go plan your wedding, without mom's input.  But please get your FI's input - it's his wedding too.

  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  Haha, I love the tapeworm comment, Retread.  I'm not very far into planning, that part is very true, and my moms opinion does mean something to me, but as mentioned, I have a lot of it already planned.  It's very flexible, only that I've had certain ideas in my head for years, for example a child free wedding, no flowers, an outdoor ceremony, a dress style, but as far as the fluff, it's all negotiable.  I'm not uptight at ALL, and a very go-with-the-flow kind of person, I just wish she would butt out of things that aren't any of her business or act like SHE has no room for negotiation on a day that is supposed to be mine to plan and enjoy.  It's supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I know it will be regardless of all of the details, but I do want things to be a certain way and she's just about devastated that I'm not having a traditional wedding like SHE had pictured it. 
  
  Thanks everybody for the advice on this one.
  

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• niki&rob member

  

  June 2013

  I can see where your mother is coming from regarding children at your wedding, my brother decided to not invite children because they were an extra expense ( even though they are half the price or free).  so i will tell you from experience, your family members with children whom are from out of town will not come to your wedding, if your ok with that than your fine. as someone with children, i do get offended when children are not invited, even though i would try my damnist to pawn my babies off for the night. i just feel that when you do not invite children that your family members have, your not quite interested in actually having those people show up.

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• lringue member

  

  June 2013

  OMG are we sisters do we have the same mom? LOL. I just made it through my wedding and have gone through the same sort of things. My father was paying for the food and venue everything else i was to pay for. my mom decided to use my dads money to work her opinions into everything else and take over. I have only scaned through the posts and it sounds like theres a lot of good advice. I wish I had delt with things better. Everytime it came down to decisions it turned into an arguement with crying and hang ups (when over the phone). my nerves were shot and it had ruined the enjoyment of the wedding planning. I had been depressed and wanted to cry everyday when I even thought of the wedding. Dont let this happen to you. The 2 of you are close you have said that so work it out and dont let things ruin the day of. My day of came out great and everything was water under the bridge she had only wanted the whole time to make the day perfect for me. when she realized her control was what was ruining the perfect wedding things died down and we were back as a close mom and daughter Good Luck and enjoy YOU and your FIs wedding

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  scribe95 said:

  I guess I'm kind of siding with Mom on this. It sounds like you aren't willing to budge on ANYTHING because of this longtime vision in your head. Maybe you could hear her out and throw her a bone on a few things.

  Also, you are definitely keeping it open that you will take money from her. That decision needs to be made now and not later.

  It is your day but weddings are a big deal for parents too and it seems like you don't care.

  For example, she has probably imagined walking you down the aisle for years just like you have imagined things about your wedding. And you rejecting her is probably hurtful. Especially since it seems to be about the fact that she's not a man.

  Also, childless weddings are cool but you also have to know your people. In my family kids are a big part of all family events. And weddings are the ultimate family event. If I had tried a no kids wedding it defintely would have been looked at weird, and likely would have stirred up some stuff.

  I just think you could be a little more open-minded on some things than you are being.

  I don't think the OP has to be "open-minded" on the things she's not being what you call "open-minded" on. 
  
  Just because everyone in your community expects weddings to be "family events" with every seventh cousin and their kid invited doesn't require the OP to invite kids to her wedding-regardless of what they want.  They're not paying for it.  And Mom is not walking down the aisle, making the vows, or signing the license. 
  
  The wedding isn't necessarily about the OP's "vision," but it's also not about Mom's "vision" to the exclusion of all else, including what the bride and groom want.  They don't have to totally re-write their wedding to make Mom or anyone else happy, and expecting that is not reasonable. 
  
  If Mom wants a wedding that is totally not what the couple wants, she can hire actors or purchase mannequins to have her "dream wedding."
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  It's not that I don't want my mom to have any input, it's that she's being destructive and harming our relationship with her input.  Kids aren't a big deal in my family, almost nobody in my family has little ones.  I'll have a stepson, and my MOH's daughter, sister-in-law's kids, and one cousin.  3/5 of those will be over the age of 10 and I don't mind them since they're able to entertain themselves.  Furthermore, my mom commented that I don't understand because I don't have children as to why she thinks it'll be a problem.  That's destructive and hurtful seeing as how I'm an adult and am capable of viewing things from other people's point of view.  As Jen mentioned, my mom wants a wedding that is COMPLETELY opposite of what I'd want. 
  
   It's not the fact that she is not a man that I don't want her to walk me down the aisle, it's that I viewed my uncle as a father figure to me.  It seemed an appropriate place for him to be involved in my wedding and would allow my mom to be just that, the mother of the bride. 
  
  It's not that I'm unwilling to budge, it IS that I do have my own ideas, and while I'm willing to listen to others because not everything is laid out in stone, nothing that she's suggesting is even close to my style or vision for my wedding.  I've discussed many times that I'd like to get married outdoors, a casual wedding, child free, to let it focus on my FI and myself.  Her idea for my wedding is to get married in a church (regardless of the fact I'm not religious), with a dress up affair and that people will be all upset if I don't invite their kids, which is an aspect I'm not willing to budge on. 
  
  I've also explained the dress issue to my mom, where I've had several ideas and will look at the dresses she chooses, I'll explain what I do and don't like about them and she throws a tantrum about how I don't like anything she picks.  It goes beyond myself not willing to budge on my own wedding, it goes straight into childlike territory on my mother's part.  
  
  I came here for advice on how to talk to my mom about these issues, and to get constructive advice on the situation. 
  
  I also 100% agree with Jen on the sense that I'm being open-minded, just not on these specific things.  I couldn't care any less about her opinions on these things, they're already set, just as I'm sure you've had things you're not willing to budge on.  She's just upset that my wedding isn't panning out to be what she expects of it, but I'm not the same person as she is, nor am I even close. 
  

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• SB1512 member

  

  June 2013

  It sounds like your mom is going to try and make yourself involved, even if she isn't paying.  In this week leading up to my wedding my mom has been driving me nuts......she called me today to remind me to make sure I have my glass and extra contacts on the wedding day.  Then she called later to see if I had a garter.  Seriously?  How is that any of your business.  When I told her no she got all up in arms about it and I just very calmly had to ask her how me wearing or not wearing a garter had any effect on her.  Other PP's have offered great advice, best of luck to you.
  

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• cmalork member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  
  

  
  

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• cmalork member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with the other PP. If you don't feel you can sit down and talk to her then avoiding any conversations regarding the wedding may have to occur. I am kinda doing the same thing with my MIL. She wants a say in a lot of things (including the guest list), but she has not offered to help financially and my parents, my FI and I are paying for the wedding at this point, so I am avoiding all wedding conversations with her. 

  
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  Scribe, I really don't owe you any explanation of what I have or haven't budged on. I feel that you're being rude and aren't trying to be helpful or constructive in any way and the reason you side with my mom is because you're like her, to be honest. 
  
   I'm very early into the wedding planning process, so there hasn't been much decision making TO change.  However, I take all of her opinions into account when she says them, they just don't line up with what I have in mind.  That's not something I can change. 
  
  Unless you're going to be constructive, you need to leave the conversation.  So I'd appreciate it if you'd change your tone about it and stop assuming things.
  

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  June 2013

  OP, scribe95 is only trying to help you see your mom's point of view. You said that this conflict is actually damaging your relationship with your mom. Any advice, even if you don't want to hear it, is valuable if it has any chance of helping your relationship with the woman who raised you.
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  The last comment was a lot more constructive than anything you'd previously posted.  You're right, I can't give you a specific example because, as I've mentioned, I'm in the very early stages of planning and the only ideas that have come up between us are the ones that I'm very firm on.  They're the ideas that I've had for my wedding for years.  I just don't agree that I'm not willing at all to bend on anything and I'm being a bridezilla, which is what I've gotten of your comments previously and I apologize if I've somehow misconstrued that information. 
  
  My mom is just being a royal PITA and I'm starting to have a hard time dealing with telling her that these things aren't changing and trying to find something I am comfortable with her taking control of since I haven't thought of half of it myself yet.  I'm firm on the basics, but we haven't even begun to tread territory on the fluffy stuff and that's all fine with me on my mom's commenting on.  The things that are bothering me are that she can't understand these things are very very important to me.
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  Fair enough.  I'm willing to be flexible, just not on these.  My other issue stems from me paying for the wedding myself and her still having these ridiculous requests, which I'm fairly certain will happen....discussed with the FI tonight about paying for it ourselves since my mom's being this way and he seemed pretty on board with it.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2013

  OP, here's what I think you do... Make two lists: 1) things you are "very firm" on, and 2) things you are flexible on. Show it to your mom. Let her know you are paying for everything on List 1 and that you don't want to do those things differently. Let her know that you'd like to hear her thoughts on List 2. Keep in mind if it's "your way or the highway" YOU PAY.
  
  Honestly OP, I think it all boils down to your mom being excited (albeit pretty vocal) about your wedding. Work with he woman. It's silly to allow something like this that'll be over in a year or two seriously effect/damage your relationship. It's not worth it.

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with that, which is why I wanted advice before it got too out of hand and did actually ruin our relationship.  I know she's excited, but it doesn't give her an excuse to say things that are hurtful or to act like I'm not an adult who can handle my own decisions.  That was the original point of this post, not that I'm out to hurt my mom or tell her she can't help, only that in the end, it is my decision.
  
  I like the idea of having separate lists, though.  That may help her have a visual on what I'm not budging on and maybe allow her to shut her mouth on those topics.
  Thanks!
  

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• jessidinorawr member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with that, which is why I wanted advice before it got too out of hand and did actually ruin our relationship.  I know she's excited, but it doesn't give her an excuse to say things that are hurtful or to act like I'm not an adult who can handle my own decisions.  That was the original point of this post, not that I'm out to hurt my mom or tell her she can't help, only that in the end, it is my decision.
  
  I like the idea of having separate lists, though.  That may help her have a visual on what I'm not budging on and maybe allow her to shut her mouth on those topics.
  Thanks!
  

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