bridesmaid and her antics

AlexisA01 · June 2013

Hello, I'm new to the boards. So I have this bridesmaid name Carey and she is a fair weather vegetarian and/ or vegan. I've been dealing with her behavior for years, so excited she would've matured to special events that weren't revolving around her. I don't know which she is because she switches back out eats meat. Anyway, I had a family bridal shower, my male bridesmaid is name Jim and his cousin is catering the wedding. So at my first bridal shower all my bridesmaids were also attending. Carey started to make comments such as "I sure hope your food will be vegetarian and/ or vegan friendly." I use that term because she switches then back and forth as if they mean the same thing. She keeps making the same comments over and over again. She already knows that the caterer has a great menu, we are serving a chicken , seafood, beef dish, and for her a vegetarian option. Since I've know Carey she had been very self absorbed, conceited, and obnoxious especially to people who do do eat meat. My second bridal shower is in a few weeks, she volunteered to host it with Jim. Jim calls me up today telling me that she wasn't going to serve any meat at my bridal shower since "she" was paying. Jim and her both are paying and he confessed that Carey had been giving the other bridesmaids a lot of problems. So I met her today at the bakery for my cake tasting and to bring home samples for my fiance. We already picked out a type of cake flavorings and of course she goes over and says her line regarding my cake. She did it my engagement party. Ever since I got engaged she had been so adamant on her personal preferences being in my wedding. People are right, true colors come out when people are getting married. I don't how to deal with her; always making a fuss over things that have nothing to do with her. My fiance suggested that I should make her a guest instead of bridesmaid.

I apologize if this is confusing, I had surgery a few days ago so I will add in more details.

vineheart137 · June 2013

You can't ask someone to step down from your wedding (Well, unless you REALLY don't care about saving the relationship with that person) but I would suggest not discussing anything wedding-related with her anymore - No cake tastings, no nothing, just make sure she knows what she is supposed to wear and where she's supposed to be the day of. If she brings up her dietary preferences again, bean dip her. (Which basically means change the subject - "Hey Carey, you should try this new bean dip I bought!")

As far as the bridal shower, hopefully my fellow Knotties can give better advice, but I think that's really up to Jim to deal with, since you can't really tell her, as the host, that she needs to serve meat. He can either help her pick out a good vegetarian menu (Hubby's whole family is vegetarian, and his sister is an ACTUAL vegan, and it's not as hard as you might think) or he can put his foot down and tell her that if she's going to be that way he will host the whole thing himself and she can just be a guest.

(ETA the definition of bean dip.)

Kate61487 · June 2013

AlexisA01 said:

Hello, I'm new to the boards. So I have this bridesmaid name Carey and she is a fair weather vegetarian and/ or vegan. I've been dealing with her behavior for years, so excited she would've matured to special events that weren't revolving around her. I don't know which she is because she switches back out eats meat. Anyway, I had a family bridal shower, my male bridesmaid is name Jim and his cousin is catering the wedding. So at my first bridal shower all my bridesmaids were also attending. Carey started to make comments such as "I sure hope your food will be vegetarian and/ or vegan friendly." I use that term because she switches then back and forth as if they mean the same thing. She keeps making the same comments over and over again. She already knows that the caterer has a great menu, we are serving a chicken , seafood, beef dish, and for her a vegetarian option. Since I've know Carey she had been very self absorbed, conceited, and obnoxious especially to people who do do eat meat. My second bridal shower is in a few weeks, she volunteered to host it with Jim. Jim calls me up today telling me that she wasn't going to serve any meat at my bridal shower since "she" was paying. Jim and her both are paying and he confessed that Carey had been giving the other bridesmaids a lot of problems. So I met her today at the bakery for my cake tasting and to bring home samples for my fiance. We already picked out a type of cake flavorings and of course she goes over and says her line regarding my cake. She did it my engagement party. Ever since I got engaged she had been so adamant on her personal preferences being in my wedding. People are right, true colors come out when people are getting married. I don't how to deal with her; always making a fuss over things that have nothing to do with her. My fiance suggested that I should make her a guest instead of bridesmaid.
I apologize if this is confusing, I had surgery a few days ago so I will add in more details.

the bolded = kicking her out of the WP. That is, most likely, a friendship ending move and you will come off as the bad guy to any/all mutual friends / acquaintances. You knew how she was before you asked her to be a BM. Just ride it out.

Stop taking her to vendor appointments so you minimize the opportunities for her to give her opinion. When she says "I hope you do _____" say "thanks we'll take that into consideration. Have you tried this bean dip?" and change the subject.

ETA - and ditto PP on the shower. Jim needs to handle it, either by telling her his 50% of the budget is buying meat, or by telling her he'll cover the whole thing, or by picking a yummy vegetarian menu.

daisey18 · June 2013

You cannot ask her not to be your bridesmaid w/o ruining your friendship. As she is hosting bridal showers for you and attending cake tastings, she sounds like a very helpful and caring bridesmaid- she doesn't have to do any of that for you. Sometimes some of our friends are just self centered people- that doesn't make them "bad" in any way. I'd try to just ignore your annoyance and accept her for who she is.

vineheart137 · June 2013

Kate61487 said:
ETA - and ditto PP on the shower. Jim needs to handle it, either by telling her his 50% of the budget is buying meat, or by telling her he'll cover the whole thing, or by picking a yummy vegetarian menu.

I didn't think of this, that's also a good suggestion, perhaps Jim can work something out where he and Carey are in charge of purchasing separate things, i.e. he buys the food, she does the decor, etc. Of course, that can also lead to Carey insisting on being in charge of buying the food and you get vegetarian food anyway, but at least Jim doesn't have to worry about future planning conflicts.

AlexisA01 · June 2013

I do the bean dip to her. The only reason I mentioned kicking her out was it was her suggestion. after Jim said he will do the party at his place. She goes off and yells at them saying "I rather be a guest than deal with this ****" Now I'm just wondering if she is doing this for attention seeking.

AlexisA01 · June 2013

She attended the cake tasting because of my surgery I can't drive for the next two months.

zitiqueen · June 2013

AlexisA01 said:

Hello, I'm new to the boards. So I have this bridesmaid name Carey and she is a fair weather vegetarian and/ or vegan. I've been dealing with her behavior for years, so excited she would've matured to special events that weren't revolving around her. I don't know which she is because she switches back out eats meat. Anyway, I had a family bridal shower, my male bridesmaid is name Jim and his cousin is catering the wedding. So at my first bridal shower all my bridesmaids were also attending. Carey started to make comments such as "I sure hope your food will be vegetarian and/ or vegan friendly." I use that term because she switches then back and forth as if they mean the same thing. She keeps making the same comments over and over again. She already knows that the caterer has a great menu, we are serving a chicken , seafood, beef dish, and for her a vegetarian option. Since I've know Carey she had been very self absorbed, conceited, and obnoxious especially to people who do do eat meat. My second bridal shower is in a few weeks, she volunteered to host it with Jim. Jim calls me up today telling me that she wasn't going to serve any meat at my bridal shower since "she" was paying. Jim and her both are paying and he confessed that Carey had been giving the other bridesmaids a lot of problems. So I met her today at the bakery for my cake tasting and to bring home samples for my fiance. We already picked out a type of cake flavorings and of course she goes over and says her line regarding my cake. She did it my engagement party. Ever since I got engaged she had been so adamant on her personal preferences being in my wedding. People are right, true colors come out when people are getting married. I don't how to deal with her; always making a fuss over things that have nothing to do with her. My fiance suggested that I should make her a guest instead of bridesmaid.
I apologize if this is confusing, I had surgery a few days ago so I will add in more details.

It doesn't sound like her true colors are coming out; it sounds like she's behaving the way she always has but you expected her to change her entire personality just because you got engaged.

AlexisA01 · June 2013

She has but she goes back and forth with eating meat. I think she is a lot better since high school. Before I got engaged she hasn't been down my back like this. I know she complains about omnivores but never expecting people to change their own habits just to please her. We both served as bridesmaids to mutual friend's wedding.

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

You shouldn't expect your friends to change just because you're getting married. She's behaving the same way she's always behaved- you knew that when you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Now you have to deal with it.

Ask her what she cannot eat (a list of what she avoids) and then offer her that food at the wedding. If she brings up vegan vs meat again, just change the subject. "Thanks Carey, have you seen the football news?"

ETA: If *she* said she'd rather be a guest- did she already buy the bridesmaid dress? If she never buys it, then you know she's stepped down. Until she tells you calmly and directly, though, I'd assume she's still a bridesmaid.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Ok #1 you cannot kick her our of the WP unless you want to ruin the friendship completely. Honestly, I think you are overreacting to your flip-flopping diet advocate BM.

#2 Why do you let this bother you so much? Who cares? Tell her your wedding cake is going to be wrapped in bacon instead of fondant and who cares what she thinks or how she reacts? Fuck it. KWIM? If you know her and she's always pulling this stuff, stop inviting her to stuff like cake tastings or anything that involves food. When she asks you about your menu for the millionth time just play the tape back.

jessidinorawr · June 2013

This may not be 100% accurate, but if she's a BM, I'm assuming she's been a pretty good friend to you in the past. What I would do with any friend who was acting this way would be to sit them down and talk to them. Tell her that you appreciate her input and have taken her dietary needs into consideration, but that the other decisions are yours to make and not hers. I was a vegetarian for almost 10 years, there's PLENTY of tasty food out there and for a shower, it really won't be as big of a deal as you may think it is now

. Now, your wedding is another issue, as that is YOUR decision, not hers.

The shower issue, I agree with PPs on, your other friend needs to deal with that. I also agree that you need to not bring her to any more vendor appointments and those that you may find necessary to, you need to address her behavior before it starts. Be cautious with your wording, however, as you probably don't want to ruin this friendship. Another thing that I may do if she mentions "stepping down" again would be to have a discussion about the seriousness of her consideration for it and you can mask it in the necessity to know if you need to choose another person to step into her position or if she's just doing it for attention.
Hope this helps!

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

@knotporscha can you please review that flag, there's nothing against the TOS.

Whoever flagged that - that's about the quickest way to get yourself banned is flagging things that don't violate the terms of service you agreed to when you created your account.

ETA if you don't agree with something post it on the boards, don't flag. And thanks for unflagging it.

AlexisA01 · June 2013

yeah I'm not going to lie she had me worried when she didn't want to let Jim have any say in the. bridal party. I will see her tomorrow and we will talk. She has been helping me out with surgery and its been difficult.

cmmurphy89 · June 2013

You said you were going to have an editable option for her not sure if you meant plated or buffett option, but either way, I would remind her of that when she brings up the menu. If she continues to push that the entire menu and cake should fit her lifestyle (I assume she is making this choice based on a animal right stance). I would simply say, "BM, I know your feelings on the subject, and I love that you are so passionate, but FI and I simply don't share your views on the subject."

As far as the shower, maybe you could suggest they share the budget for the decor and split the budget for food and maybe to a large sampling of finger foods. It would make sense to have a mixing of meat and non-meat, and would make splitting the budget easier. However if the shower is being at her house you may be SOL, because it wouldn't be right to force her to serve meet in her house whether she paid for it or not. Regardless if she flip flops those are currently the values she holds.

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