Should I invite my sister?

Martha&Jake · June 2013

I lurk all the time and I like how honest you all are. Sorry but this is going to be long.

Here is my problem: I am getting married in October and preparing my invites. I am still on the fence about inviting one of my sisters and my biological mother. They are both drug addicts. From the time I was 8 I grew up in foster care and consider my foster-mother my mom. My sister is about 20 months older than I am and we were very close as children (because of the whole foster thing). In fact, 6 years ago I was the MOH at her wedding...

A lot changes in 6 years. It breaks my heart that she has chosen the life that she has. I am currently raising her 2 beautiful children and they will be in my wedding. A part of me wants my sister there. But I don't know if I can handle her being there because she always has to make a scene, she is always playing the "poor me card" and she is always the victim to everything tragic in her life. On top of that I know it will make a few people uncomfortable to have her there. She has burned her bridges with everyone in our family. She lives with our biological mother and the only reason she has not been kicked out is because my sister makes her feel guilty for having to grow up in foster care.

I guess I want to hold on to the hope that my old sister is still there and that she can stay clean for one day and be presentable and respectful at my wedding. I don't think this will happen. My Bio-mom would be on her best behavior. I don't respect her a a mother but she has tried to have a relationship since I turned 18. She is a very pleasant person and will do anything to please people... she just cant say no to drugs but I know she would not use the day of my wedding.

I just know If I don't invite them, it would break their hearts. I don't want to look back and regret my decision.

elizabetheleven · June 2013

Although I havent been on this site long I can resignate with you seeing as I'm also on the fence about inviting my younger brother (for much different reasons).

First off, you said you are currently raising her 2 children. Which kudos to you btw!

Is your sister legally allowed to be around them?

You sound like you'd like to have her there. The only advice I can give you is by experience. My female cousin wasn't quite sure if she should invite our male cousin (this happened about 4 years ago). He is an alcoholic and a complete ass. But since he's family she invited him anyways. Well, an hour into the reception he was dancing on tables and picking fights with the dj. He was soon kicked out. Did it suck for my cousin? Yeah. But the point is you can't control how someone else chooses to conduct themselves. The only person you can control is yourself. So if you want to invite her go for it! Just be prepared

Good luck!

kmmssg · June 2013

Alcoholism and addiction are rampant in my immediate family so I have a lot of experiences with expectations and disappointments in this area.

Your old sister would not be the one attending your wedding. Your addict sister would be and you seem to have a good grasp on that. No one can tell you what is right here. You need to be very honest and pragmatic about how they will be. You say biomom won't be a problem, but then you say your sister "always has to make a scene, she is always playing the "poor me card" and she is always the victim to everything tragic in her life." This is what you should expect at your wedding because this is what she always does. Wedding don't change people's behaviors.

You are gonna have to dig deep and decide what is best for you, your FI, and your wedding. Your mom and sister have chosen to be addicts so you don't owe them anything here. Keep that in mind.

I truly wish you the best as you make your decision.

rel1988 · July 2013

I'm sorry you are in such a terrible position.

I'm sure this has already been considered, but what about your sister's children you are raising? Is she legally allowed to be around them? Are her children emotionally ok to be around here? It might be really hard on them having her there, just a thought.

I would say it would be even harder on your bio mom and sister if you invited one, not both. I know you said your mom would stay clean for the wedding, but you have to be prepared for the chance that can't be guaranteed. Any invite extended to them might lead to some sort of scene...you just need to decide if that chance would be worth it to you.

Best of luck! And welcome!

realblonde474 · July 2013

This will be a hard decision. I don't know what to tell you except that you will make the right one for you and your family...good thoughts!

Martha&Jake · July 2013

Thank you

She is allowed around them because it isn't through the courts that I have them. I don't let them around her a lot because she is soo unstable. She doesn't really even call to talk to them and only asked to see them every few months, so it isn't much of a hassle. They are 4 and 6 and I've had them almost 2 years so they don't even really ask for her.

I am thinking I'm not going to invite her, she may be pissed now but I hope that she will understand if she ever gets sober.

Kida07 · July 2013

I totally understand. One of my cousins is a drug addict as well and two years older then me. However we thought she was getting better ( going to a counselor and everything). Yesterday I heard from one of my grandparents that she has been using again, and when I took a look at the pills that where carelessly left at her house - they look like the Oxycodone pain meds I take for my migraines. The problem is if my cousin got them on the streets..who knows what is in them? I don't want that at my wedding, where her sister's daughter will be playing on the floor. If she drops one and my other cousin's sisters daughter picks it up, the four year old will die. Therefore, my suggestion to you is think about any children you have. What has you sister been using? How old are the kids? If they are toddlers - remember they eat anything. And they will play with anything as well- even needles. It's your choice if you want her there or not.

mrsB68 · July 2013

I'm sorry, I want to say invite them as I'm a sucker for family. But if you're going to be worried or uncomfortable I wouldn't do it. On the day of you're going to be busy and you don't want to be focused on hoping your sister behaves. Unless you can designate someone to watch and pluck her out if needed I would say no.

Should I invite my sister?

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