Etiquette to this situation

AlexisA01 · July 2013

Hello knotties! I'm in a weird situation with one of my friends from college. She got married last year to this guy and it turns out they got married in secret. None off their families know that they are married. Janine, that's her name, was discussing with me about having a wedding and hiring a wedding planner. She is talking about the ceremony, reception, showers, etc. So I'm just wondering what is the etiquette with this situation? Should she do something else or do it all? Thank you!

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

What your friend is planning is called a PPD (pretty princess day). It's wayyyy off base etiquette wise. If they came out to their families that they got married and then threw a reception that would be 100% A-OK. But no white dress, no attendants, no fake ceremony, etc.

harper0813 · July 2013

What southernbelle said. It is frowned upon in these parts to pretend you're getting married again. I'd try to steer her in the direction of just having a party. No gown, no first dances, no vows. And they should probably tell their parents sometime soon that they're married - the sooner, the better, as this will probably shock then and the longer they keep this secret, the more hurt their families will be.

tinambride · July 2013

I think this is a situation where I'd worry less about etiquette and more about being a friend. Whatever your friend's reason for getting married in secret, I'm sure she's now confided in you as a friend who will listen. I would ask her why she got married in secret and why she now wants a public wedding. I'm guessing there's more going on in this situation than wanting a pretty princess day. Listen to her situation and instruct her as best you can as a friend. There's probably a lot more to this story, which you may or may not know.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

I agree with you both. I mentioned that it will look bad on her part. I also wondering about how the guest would react or feel if she told them after they got "married". I know the reason why they got married... she was a virgin and she wanted to have sex with him .

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

AlexisA01 said:

I agree with you both. I mentioned that it will look bad on her part. I also wondering about how the guest would react or feel if she told them after they got "married". I know the reason why they got married... she was a virgin and she wanted to have sex with him .

She's going to have to come clean to her family that she's married (she doesn't have to tell them why). But she needs to accept the consequences of her adult decision to get married. Her parents will probably be disappointed and maybe even angry. Oh well - she's going to have to ride it out and not live a lie for the rest of her life.

hey knotties - I'm curious. Do people that have deceitful PPDs lie about their anniversary for the rest of their lives?

Jen4948 · July 2013

If they make a big production of celebrating it on the PPD date instead of the real date, they do!

STARMOON44 · July 2013

I think the etiquette for your situation is that you give your opinion of the plans (that a fake wedding is insulting and lying is a bad plan) once, let her know that while you aren't going to go around telling everyone, you won't lie for her if asked, and then decide whether you want to continue to maintain as close a relationship. Beyond that, it's her mistake to make.

Jen4948 · July 2013

STARMOON44 said:

I think the etiquette for your situation is that you give your opinion of the plans (that a fake wedding is insulting and lying is a bad plan) once, let her know that while you aren't going to go around telling everyone, you won't lie for her if asked, and then decide whether you want to continue to maintain as close a relationship. Beyond that, it's her mistake to make.

I agree with this. You don't have to shout the truth from the rooftops, but you won't cover it up either. I'm also not sure I'd want to continue as a friend with someone who would lie about this.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

Thank you, you all are right.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

All rudeness issues with the PPD aside, you should advise her to tell her parents sooner than later. What if, god forbid, she ends up in a horrible accident and someone has to decide whether or not to terminate medical care? I would be an awfully rude shock to her parents to find out that she now has a spouse who trumps their decisions as next of kin.... Does she not realize that there are major legal implications from taking a spouse?!

AlexisA01 · July 2013

wow, I never thought of that. That is something important to bring up to her.

tinambride · July 2013

It sounds like you both may be very young. Is she living with her husband now? I ask because if she got married so they could have sex (I'll make no comment on that), then it sounds like they are not living together. If I were you I'd advise your friend to tell her parents. While she was adult enough to get married, the whole situation sounds like it would benefit from some mature guidance. Suggest she come clean to both her and her husband's parents. I'm not sure having a ceremony would help the situation here.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

Actually no and she is very religious.

chellekel · July 2013

AlexisA01 said:

Actually no and she is very religious.

If she is so religious, why is she ok with lying to all of her friends and family?

s-aries8990 · July 2013

Wait... so she's still living apart from her husband because she doesn't want her parents to know she's having sex with him? Honestly, that doesn't sound like someone who should have gotten married...

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

AlexisA01 said:

Hello knotties! I'm in a weird situation with one of my friends from college. She got married last year to this guy and it turns out they got married in secret. None off their families know that they are married. Janine, that's her name, was discussing with me about having a wedding and hiring a wedding planner. She is talking about the ceremony, reception, showers, etc. So I'm just wondering what is the etiquette with this situation? Should she do something else or do it all? Thank you!

I wouldn't get involved.. I'd just exit this train wreck. Also, how is it that you're the only one that knows?

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

Also, just out of curiosity..if she's in college, are her parents claiming her as dependent? I wonder if she's causing them to commit tax fraud.

kmmssg · July 2013

This has to be the trainwreck of the day.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

She told me and less than ten other people including my self know.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

That is a good point. Her parents are helping her finish out grad school.

manateehugger · July 2013

I was the "victim" of a PPD a few weeks ago. A friend had asked me to be a bridesmaid (FI was a groomsman). We spent hundreds of dollars on attire, b-parties, showers, gifts, plane ticket, etc.

They told us this weekend that they had been secretly married months before their "wedding." Honestly, I can't really remember a time when I felt more betrayed by a friend in my life. We spent so much time and money wooing her as a bride when all along she was already someone's wife. She lied and cheated her family and friends out of money (and the US government - they are a military couple) so that people would still think she was a bride on her pretty princess day.

I think a secret wedding followed by a PPD is one of the most reprehensible things a couple can do to their families and friends.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

She has an apartment with some of her stuff in but she lives in her husband's house. He is well to do and I think he pays the rent for both places. I find it a huge waste because she is paying TONS of money and her situation is getting way out of hand on top of her wedding plans.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

OP: Your friend is spinning the classic tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Here is my advice to you: Tell her that you will keep her secret, however you will not lie to anyone. If her parents, or anyone else, flat out ask you if she is married, then you will tell the truth.

You can stop your involvement there, once you've made it clear that you will not lie. Step away from the trainwreck and let her continue with her life.

If she still is interested in the opinions of others, suggest that many people do not appreciate dishonesty. Staging a false wedding and leading people to believe this is your true wedding day is dishonest. A very religious person should appreciate the sin of dishonesty.

If she came to me for advice, I'd tell her to come clean, immediately. Tell her parents, tell her husband's parents, then the rest of the family and friends. Stop living a lie.

If the families still want to have some kind of party to meet-and-greet, then plan a nice anniversary party. The couple wear clothes appropriate to the party and greet their guests as an already-married couple. The ceremonial bridal gown is not appropriate for an already-married woman at an anniversary party.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

pdkh, did your friend tell other people they were secretly married? if so how did they react and how much did it change your friendship?

manateehugger · July 2013

I haven't told anyone yet (beyond a couple non-mutual friends), but I absolutely will not lie for them.

But I can tell you that me and my fiance (who generally is a very laidback person) were incredibly dissapointed and angry with the couple. I'm pretty positive our friendship is mostly over.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

That really blows pdkh. Im going to have drinks with her so we can talk this out and use the advice you all gave me. I will do an update on what happens. So thank you fellow knotties on her situation.

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