XP NWR: Help with anorexic friend

astimmel · July 2013

My BFF has become anorexic in the past year and a half. I put off saying anything because she's always been slender, and she was at least eating regularly and still has the energy to run 4 miles a day. Several of us have briefly brought it up, and she's so adamant that nothing is wrong.

In the past 6 months she's just become skeletal. She is now 5'10" and 125lbs. I haven't talked to her because her wedding was June 8th and I knew that if I brought it up before the wedding, the message would get lost in the hustle and bustle of things and she would brush it off. I decided to give her a couple weeks after the honeymoon to decompress and get back to normal.

Her family and friends know it, about 6 people at the wedding approached me expressing concern. Everyone knows it except her dipsh!t of a husband, who doesn't seem to see a problem. Plus everyone is whispering and is very concerned but no one will do anything, even when I ask for help approaching the topic. Which if why I'm asking you guys for help.

They're back from the honeymoon and I want to take her husband out for coffee and point it out to him, since he would have more influence on her than any of us. I'm hoping that it's just because he's just a dumbass and that's why he hasn't noticed, rather than him noticing and encouraging it.

He's very hard-headed and abrasive, and with something like this I'm worried he'll get defensive. My question is, how do I approach this with him? What do I say to make sure the message gets across and we have a plan of action? The entire family and group of friends are the kind of people who sit back and wait for things to happen, rather than taking action. Even with something as serious as this. So I need help finding the words to get both her husband and family/friends on board to actually make a game plan and follow through.

My thought was that I could get her husband to gently encourage her privately, and if she isn't responsive we could try more of a group intervention type thing. Either way, the first step is talking to him. What do I say?

cnf2013 · July 2013

I second Xcaly. As a recovered anorexic, there's more to it than losing weight and not eating. And as someone who was approached and barraged during my lowest point, it was more hindering than helpful. If she has a problem she'll unlikely to fess up to it if approached, especially in a large group. The more I was approached and the more aggressively I was approached the harder I denied my issues. I hate to say it, but this is something she needs to help herself with. Gently express your concern in private once if you feel the need, but don't push beyond that and don't bug her to get help. Just let her know you love her and are concerned. After that there really isn't much more you can do. Just like you can't make an addict quit an addiction, you cannot make an anorexic change her behaviors or her incredibly irrational thought process. I could run you in circles with my fucked up thoughts and "logic" on defending my prior behavior and eating disorder. It's a mental health problem more than an eating problem and needs to be treat as such. The eating and behavior changes comes second.

That being said, her husband should be aware that her behavior and weight are not only unhealthy, but life threatening and not to be encouraged.

NonosGirl · July 2013

I probably can't give any advice better than PP, but if you really think her H is clueless or encouraging dangerous behavior then I would say something to him. I'd just make sure that it is out of care/concern and not accusatory in any way. Maybe you could ask if her weight loss concerns him. Then express your concerns for her health and well being. I'm sure this is a difficult situation but I think the best thing you can do is just be there for them and be supportive.

Giaspo · July 2013

I agree with PPs.... wait a little while and see if things change. I agree to be cautious about classifying her so quickly. It could be she is just tall and thin and stressed out. When I graduated college I was 5'8" and 112 lbs and pretty much stayed that way until I hit age 30. It was skeletal and brought on it's own set of insecurity issues, but that was me my entire life. My friends would "intervene" from time to time and it made me feel even worse about myself.

Instead of taking her H out for coffee, why don't you take her out for coffee and try to gauge if she's feeling any less stressed now that the wedding is over. If she's happy and relaxed, let things take their course and see how they go. Being supportive and most of all accepting is the best thing you can do.

XP NWR: Help with anorexic friend

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