BM not chipping in equally

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

I do not usually post over here since I got married a while ago but I'm a MOH in my friend's wedding in a few months. Her shower and b-party are in three weeks and I along with the other 4 BMs have been feverishly planning both events. Throughout the discussions I've mentioned budget. I've invited people to privately talk with me if they had concerns about the budget and one BM did so... I brought it to everyone and they agreed that was a fair budget for each of us. Flash forward to now. One of the BM's just messaged me and said that she is rethinking this all and won't spend more than half of what we agreed upon as our budget. She still wants to be an equal part of everything including the gift but she doesn't want to chip in for all of it.

This causes a major problem because it means that other BM's have to pick up the slack and potentially go over their budget and it in reality it means that I am going to have to pay a lot more. I am already paying a major portion of the shower and b-party... as MOH I believe that's my duty... but this is going to really go above and beyond that and I don't feel financially comfortable about that.

The shower is not outrageous. It's actually one of the cheapest I've ever planned because it is at a private location and not a restaurant. We aren't going overboard for the gift or food either.

What do I do???? (added note- this BM is the sister of the groom and is a notorious PITA... I will not go to the bride about this but I need to figure this out quickly!)

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

It's too bad that her budget changed, but at this point I think it just means that you should scale back the plans appropriately. Don't ask the other BMs to go over their agreed upon budgets, and you shouldn't have to go over yours, either. Maybe you could cut back on decorations or drinks at the shower.

It's nice of you to plan the shower, and I know you are frustrated, but I would try to be the bigger person and not take it out on the BM. If her budget is tight, it's still a nice gift that she is contributing at all, PITA or not.

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

We've already scaled it back as far as possible (we are doing most of the food ourselves, having it at a home instead of a restaurant, and not having alcohol) due to her original budget.

The reason she is a PITA is not just this... she's been rude to the bride and everyone involved since the beginning mentioning at every corner how much of a waste of time and moneys weddings are (she's married) and that since she didn't have any of this she doesn't see the point. She did not want a bridal party or any pre-wedding events so it wasn't that no one did then for her, she didn't want them.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

Another thought-why not scrap the group gift and have people do individual gifts of their choosing and comfort level? My BMs did this, and some gave physical shower gifts while others helped host as their gift. As hostess, you can definitely consider the shower itself your gift if you can't afford anything else. I'm sure the bride wouldn't want you to hurt your own finances over her wedding.

MairePoppy · June 2013

Ditto @Xstatic3333 . Skip the joint gift and let everyone give, or not give, whatever gift they like.

There's no rule saying the bridal party has to give a shower or a joint gift. This is a common misunderstanding and often leads to problems. Forget about the FSIL. She's not into weddings. Let her contribute whatever she is comfortable with and give her equal billing with the other bms.

Thank you for not dragging the bride into this. She probably knows that her FSIL is a PITA.

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

let me try to answer everything... and clear up the incorrect assumptions that were made above

the Bridesmaids set their own budget. I did not plan ANYTHING without their input in fact they are each handling a different aspect that they wanted to handle and picked. All along the way I asked if everyone was comfortable with this amount for this or is $Xx too much for an item? I also asked specifically if they wanted to do a joint gift and everyone said yes... I then made a few suggestions off the registry and asked if they wanted to go with one of them or something else on the registry. These items ranged in price and everyone agreed on the same gift. So no, I don't think I was out of line at all thank you. I've gone out of my way to make sure that everyone was comfortable financially and had them each email me the budget they were comfortable privately and then I went back to them and took the lowest one and said "this is our per person budget" ... that was her original budget and now she is says it is a waste of money and she is changing her mind.

I did not go about this backward IMO because I DID ask each one if they wanted to be involved with the shower, b-party, gift before any planning started. they all said yes.

That is fine that she did not want these events for her wedding but I do not think her rudeness is ok. She's told the bride on several occasions that her wedding is a waste of money and she should just do something "cheap and simple" like she did... which makes the bride feel bad.

I have suggested she do a separate gift. She is into photography so she could do something like that for them which I think the bride would love. But the SIL wants to be on the card for the group gift even if she does not contribute... her words not mine.

I would NOT have been upset or bothered at all if she said she did not want to be involved or did could not contribute but we made our decisions based on what she said she would give and now she changed her mind.

As for amount it isn't finalized and we are trying to cut costs wherever we can but I'm guessing it will about $200. WIll this break my bank? no. but I am already paying for a lot myself (things that I wanted to do that I did not think were fair to make others pay for... as the MOH I wanted to do something special for her) and my husband will not be happy if I add $200 on top plus the money we spend while we are out. I would not be happy if he spent that amount of money either.

I do not want the bride to know about any of this because I remember how stressful the months before the wedding can be. This is something she never has to know about. I fear that the SIL is going to go to her brother (the groom) and tell him and make him pay which I don't think is fair either and I will not accept.

I know in the end I'm going to end up paying the difference but I'm going to buy a cheaper gift now to cut back on the difference and I'll try to see where else I can cut back. I appreciate the constructive suggestions. thank you

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

and you are right, she does not have to contribute equally.... I just wish I had known that before we started planning on it.

Thanks

aurianna · June 2013

Your original post made it sound much more like you said, "Ok, let's spend XYZ amount. Is that ok with everybody?" And then people who it wasn't ok for would either have to lie or be embarrassed in front of everyone. Your clarification makes it sound much more like you did it the correct way.
As long as all the money and gift discussions were first in private and not, "I like this gift. Is everyone ok with it" "I am." "Me too" "yup" "*mental ummmmmmmmmm* ...ok [even though I'm really not and don't want to spoil the fun]", then you did not do it backwards, so thanks for the clarification.

Do you mind my asking how big this shower is?? $200 per bridesmaid seems like a lot to me for an at home shower with homemade food, unless you're talking a big guest list, a huge present or just one other BM.

Is guest list negotiable? Invite less friends or less more distant relatives?

I still agree on scrapping the group gift. And if you do get one and she doesn't contribute, you are not required to put her name on the card. I was a BM in a friend's wedding, as were two more of our friends and the brides FSIL. The three us that were friends went in on a joint gift and her SIL did not and as far as I know there was absolutely no drama with her, the bride or the family for not having her on the card.

ETA:
Though I'm not sure I'd bank on ANY money from this gal.
She said it was a waste of money. Privately, you could say something like, "I really don't want you to feel like you're wasting money. Do you have an suggestions/input on how you'd rather we spend it? If she does, take those ideas into honest consideration, especially since you're tighter on cash.
If she just says the whole thing is stupid that's when I'd probably figure you aren't getting ANY money from her in the end and adjust your plans accordingly.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong initially, either. I also agree that this girl sounds super frustrating. My advice still stands, though, that the easiest way out is to stay cordial to her and scrap the group gift idea. Email the whole group and say "for logistical reasons, the group gift isn't going to be possible." Keep it all classy and anonymous. There is nothing to stop others from chipping in in small groups if they want to. That way, FSIL can make her own choice. My hunch is that she wanted in on the group gift so she didn't have to find her own.

ETA I definitely agree with aurianna, don't count on any money from her until its in hand.

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

Guess list isn't negotiable (invites are out) and that is part of the problem... it is definitely possible that a lot of people will say they cannot make it but we are factoring on 80% coming... so that leaves is with a lot of people to feed. I am also factoring that BM's will be reimbursed for the food they bring if it is significant. One girl is making/buying most of it due to the fact that a few of the BM's live far away and it isn't feasible for them to cook and then drive 7 hours. the $200 also included the group gift

I'm going to recommend we scrap the group gift and that should help her a bit. I do not want her to feel isolated (although she's made it clear that she is not "one" of us even though none of us really know each other so I think she is trying to do that to play the victim which the groom will admit his family is the best at) but I'm sensing that she is trying to make me into the bad guy so she has an out. I don't think she really wants to be part of any of this and that is the real issue.

thanks ladies

NYCMercedes · June 2013

I'm just sorry that this BM is making your life so difficult when you are trying to do things for her brother and his FI. That's all. Just feel bad for you.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around a shower with the plans you mentioned that costs this much, unless the gift is a very significant portion of this. My shower cost $200 at most, which includes invites, food, and decorations. Is there ANY way you can scale this back? Decorations, food choices, etc? I know you might be disappointed about doing that, but the bride won't even know the difference, believe me.

In terms of the group gift, I see your options as 1.) DItch it entirely and get individual ones, 2.) Decide on a cheaper gift, 3.) Leave the BM's name off of the card, no matter what she says, 4.) Don't get her a gift at all (or wait until later). The shower IS your gift, IMHO.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. This BM sounds like a real piece of work! Kudos to you for keeping the bride out of it! Good luck!

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

None of my BMs gave me a gift, and I think giving one is excessive and burdensome (the shower and the bach party ARE gifts already. How many gifts does a girl need just for deciding to get married?).

I agree with the others. Toss out the gift that requires several people to pitch in to afford, and if people want to be extravagant and get her a gift, they can do it on their own.

At this point, if you keep insisting on the expensive unecessary extra gift, I would point out that it is no longer the BM that is pulling extra money from your pocket, but rather your insistence on the extra gift.

LAM524 · June 2013

Wow..this seems to be the same thing my BM's will be facing but don't know it yet. Im sorry that you are dealing with this. Did she say why she would only keep half her budget committment?

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

Sorry $200 is her full amount not including the bparty. Like pp's said, I'm not counting on her paying anything when the time actually comes. She is not going to the bparty or chipping in for for bride now but oh well. I'm not going to miss her and the bride won't either!

Here is the breakdown.
$50 gift (will be eliminated because I'm planning on ditching the group gift. Other girls wanted to do it which is why I suggested it.
Problem is the guest list size. She only invited family and very few friends (8- the ones she invited to the bparty that night) and its looking like at least 50 people will be there. We are having sandwiches and snacks, iced tea, soda and one signature drink and cake/dessert. Decorations and paper products plus invites, favors, and prizes Its adding up quickly.

Again we are NOT done yet so I'm hoping we can come in well below budget but even if we spend $5 a person for food which is nearly impossible in our area that's $50 a girl them everything else added. I don't think we will hit $150 a person for the shower but there's no way we can keep it at $50 a girl for this many people!

Both families are traveling about 2-3 hours so we must have food. IMO it's rude not to.

aurianna · July 2013

Can any of you bake? You can make 10 dozen cookies in an evening for under $20. Or I imagine 5 dozen cupcakes for about the same with just a little more effort. In either case I think you can get dessert all the way down to below $.50 pp in that case (just serve a cupcake as dessert or have cookies or brownies pre-plated).

You can make ice tea for very cheap. Soda is what gets expensive. You really could skip it. I'd find lemonade mix and do that instead (grab Crystal Light for a low sugar option as well).

MairePoppy · July 2013

@PhillyGal34 I have never been to a shower where a meal wasn't served. Home showers, which are rare these days, have been what you describe: sandwich platters, salads, snacks, beverage and cake. I don't think your shower is over the top, if that's what's typically done in your social circle. Around here, the MOB/MOG usually pitch in to help with the food, especially if there are that many family members being invited.

I would eliminate all decorations and favors. The guests won't miss them and it will cut down on set up/clean up time. Eliminate games and prizes. Let the guests socialize for entertainment after the bride has opened her gifts. They're probably looking forward to seeing each other and catching up. Serve a non-alcoholic signature drink such as iced tea, peach lemonade or punch. Borrow a few punch bowls, since you have a large crowd. Order a sheet cake from the grocery store, rather than a bakery. For paper goods, plastic knives and forks, check out dollar stores.

thkewedding · July 2013

If you feel comfortable enough in doing so, you could always try contacting the MOG, tell her the situation with the groom's sister and see if she can help chip in at all. Maybe she can bring some food or drinks to help the BMs out.

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

I am currently planning my sister's shower. I'm in South Jersey and if your name is an indication, our food prices are similar. Have you tried looking into the wholesale food clubs? You can get a lunch meat tray at BJs for less than $40. I'm also making baked ziti and having meatballs/sausage. Another $40 or so. And as PP said if you can do cupcakes or cookies you are all set.

BM not chipping in equally

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