XP: is a church hall reception tacky?

SteelHibiscus · July 2013

FH and I live on Long Island. We don't have the money for your typical 25k LI wedding, and even if we did there are other things to put that money towards.

So we thought we'd do a low-key ceremony at our church, followed by a dessert reception in the fellowship hall. This isn't so much about the money as the fact that our faith is really important to both of us, the church is actually where we met, and we're fairly laid-back people.

The church had to be gutted and redone after Sandy, so it's absolutely beautiful inside at this point. Our pastor is great. There is literally nothing judgeworthy about our plans, but I can't shake the feeling that somebody's going to side-eye us or say something nasty because we can't/won't go over-the-top like people expect.

Somebody hug me.

misshart00 · July 2013

That's exactly what I did. A dessert reception at the church after my wedding. Just make sure it's at a non meal time and you're properly hosting your guests (which it sounds like you are).

harper0813 · July 2013

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and it sounds like it's what you want. Just don't schedule it during a meal time and make sure you provide some food and drinks - cake and punch, some savory snacks, etc.

cbrown828 · July 2013

I think it sounds very nice. I'd love to see pics of the church!

I understand your concern. FMIL keeps insinuating that our dinner reception is not going to be "nice enough" because aren't doing the big ballroom/dj/party that her older son and DIL had 10 years ago. This is what FI and I both want even though we could afford to do the big shindig, so we have learned to change the subject and let it go. Hugs!

manateehugger · July 2013

The only time I've been to a church reception hall wedding (and I've been to a few of them) and thought it was tacky was when they tried to make it look like a ballroom wedding (up lighting, weird topiary centerpieces) and they ran out snacks in about 20 minutes. Just keep decor light and suitable to a church, and you'll be fine.

If you properly host your guests, you're fine. I'm sure your reception will be nothing less than perfectly lovely. Honestly, I think it's tacky of guests to complain about the reception style if they are properly hosted.

And who doesn't love dessert?

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

Ditto MissHart. If you properly host your guest, any side-eyeing a guest at your wedding may have is unwarranted and a poor reflection on them. For a dessert reception, I would have your ceremony at 2, them immediately to the church hall. People will probably start leaving around 5 so they can find some place for dinner.

AddieCake · July 2013

I think it's great.

lisabeats · July 2013

I think this sounds great, and it will probably be lovely because of the relationship between you and your FI. Nothing else matters, no froofroo or opulence is needed to make your day special and memorable. I commend you for being fiscally sound instead of throwing money out the door just because. You won't regret it!

and @PDKH ... I know I love dessert!

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

This sounds really nice and like it fits yours and your FIs style. Go for it!

harper0813 · July 2013

Let me just say this: posters' mention of people side-eyeing is something that happens at every wedding. Someone will always find something to complain about. I have already been side-eyed for not marrying in the Catholic Church and not having a gap so that our guests have "time to rest and freshen up" (which is ridiculous considering our ceremony will be, like, 15 minutes long). I will probably be side-eyed for having a band and not having the dollar dance or bouquet/garter tosses. But these side-eyes aren't always right. As long as you meet your guests needs (not frivolous wants, like dancing at a reception hall and a specific type of cake and bigger centerpieces), you are being a fine hostess and don't worry what other people think of your decisions. Needs include seating for everyone, food and drink, maybe A/C, and socializing with them to show your appreciation for their attendance. That sounds like a lovely hostess to me.

(Sorry if I missed any other "needs")

KDM323 · July 2013

It sounds perfectly lovely!

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Sounds fabulous!

Sometimes, like Zo said, my weird irritation is wedding eat up my entire day, so think sounds perfect!

AprilH81 · July 2013

I would be doing the same thing if so many people weren't driving 2-3 hours to come to our wedding. As long as you don't have your reception during a meal time and you offer something other than cake for those who can't eat sugar (nuts, veggies, etc.) you will be fine.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

It sounds like fun to me. I love desserts!

NYCBruin · July 2013

As other posters have said as long as you properly host, I think your plan sounds lovely.

There's no way to eliminate the possibility of at least one guest thinking you should have done something different. It's unfortunate, but that's a fact of life.

I've attended a few church hall receptions and they were all wonderful and definitely not tacky. I think the fact that the church is so meaningful to you and your FI makes your plan extra awesome.

SomethingBeautiful08 · July 2013

OP, DH and I did basically what you talked about... An afternoon wedding and "refreshment" reception all at the church that we met in. With my family flying cross country to come, and with the couple of much more elaborate and expensive weddings I had been to in his family circle I was worried that people would side eye it, but to the best of our knowledge that didn't happen.

You don't need to compete with the "Jones" have the wedding you want and can afford, treat people with respect, which is what etiquette is about, and you will have nothing to apologize for and nothing to regret.

BakerMommy · July 2013

SomethingBeautiful08 said:
OP, DH and I did basically what you talked about... An afternoon wedding and "refreshment" reception all at the church that we met in. With my family flying cross country to come, and with the couple of much more elaborate and expensive weddings I had been to in his family circle I was worried that people would side eye it, but to the best of our knowledge that didn't happen.

You don't need to compete with the "Jones" have the wedding you want and can afford, treat people with respect, which is what etiquette is about, and you will have nothing to apologize for and nothing to regret.

ITA with the second paragraph! Just because some spend the down payment on a house on their wedding doesn't mean you have to. In retrospect, I wish we'd spent less on her wedding, since it has so little bearing on the actual marriage.

MrsMack10612 · July 2013

My sister did the same thing. Though we did have a full meal. She and her H didn't have a lot of money. My mom was the church secretary. I don't know if we got it all for free because of that, but very discounted.

My mom made most of the food (finger sandwiches, salads) and the wedding cake. A good friend of her's DJ'd. It was very low cost, very lovely. The only downside was I think she got married on the HOTTEST day of the year and their was no AC.

Far as I know, nobody side-eyed anything.

gmcr78 · July 2013

zobird said:

Let me just say this: posters' mention of people side-eyeing is something that happens at every wedding. Someone will always find something to complain about. I have already been side-eyed for not marrying in the Catholic Church and not having a gap so that our guests have "time to rest and freshen up" (which is ridiculous considering our ceremony will be, like, 15 minutes long). I will probably be side-eyed for having a band and not having the dollar dance or bouquet/garter tosses. But these side-eyes aren't always right. As long as you meet your guests needs (not frivolous wants, like dancing at a reception hall and a specific type of cake and bigger centerpieces), you are being a fine hostess and don't worry what other people think of your decisions. Needs include seating for everyone, food and drink, maybe A/C, and socializing with them to show your appreciation for their attendance. That sounds like a lovely hostess to me. (Sorry if I missed any other "needs")

The bolded is hilarious b/c even though it's against etiquette, I usually like it when there is a gap so that I have time to do one of the following: Freshen up, let the dog out, get cash, or buy a card. At times, it's all of the above.

SteelHibiscus · July 2013

@mrsmack10612

Oh my goodness no the church has very good a/c. We're not right on the water, but close enough that the building definitely needs it.

radleyboo · July 2013

I think it sounds great!

Belle2188 · July 2013

It sounds great and is perfectly acceptable.

Being from LI myself, I'll warn you--it's almost impossible that no one will side-eye anything or make a negative comment, but that would happen even if you spent $100k on your wedding. Somebody always has something to say.

Host what you can afford, and just don't have it during a meal time. As @Liatris2010 suggested, you may want to make it clear on the invitations that it's just dessert.

efmcc67 · July 2013

Not tacky at all! I think this sounds beautiful.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

I know its easy to feel pressured into having the 'right' wedding. But what is the 'right' wedding? One that is the same as everyone else because you feel like you have to, or one that represents you, your FI, and your values/traditions/customs? If you want to have a dessert reception in your church all that is wonderful. Have a great time!

Ajuliana · July 2013

...I don't think having a reception with more extras has any bearing on how religious someone is or how seriously they take marriage.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

It is totally fine.
Knowing that most people will be expecting the typical LI reception, I would put dessert reception or light refreshments to follow on the invitation.

Ditto this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a church hall reception. Just make it clear on the reception card that this will be a "Dessert Reception" or, "Light Refreshments will be served".

cmclaire · July 2013

I think it sounds absolutely lovely.

meggiemo · July 2013

People will find a way to side-eye you for one thing or another regardless of what you do, if that's the way they want to be. Do what makes you and FI happy! If your "perfect day" is a church wedding followed by a dessert reception, have at it! As other gals have said, as long as you make it clear that it's a dessert reception and don't hold it at a meal time, it will be great! And whoever side-eyes is in the wrong!

XP: is a church hall reception tacky?

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