Wedding Etiquette Forum

Brother is NOT best man?

missjeckamissjecka member
5 Love Its First Comment
edited July 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance chose his best friend as his best man, not his [only] brother. It's his choice in the end, but I know his brother... and his brother is kind of whiny and dramatic. I think he may be offended. He knows his brother more than I do, obviously, and said that he doesn't think he'd be offended. However, I'm nervous that he may be. I don't think he's going to act like a jerk because he's not the best man, but I just don't want him to be hurt that his big brother chose a friend over family.

Thoughts?
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Re: Brother is NOT best man?

  • Stay out of it.  It's entirely up to your fiance who his best man is.  Don't make any drama that results from his choice, or lack of it, your problem.
  • Definitely stay out of it. I wouldn't worry about it too much. This is all for your brother to deal with. It's his side to choose and his drama to face. Just be ready to support his decision on this.
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  • Not your business. And if he's hurt, oh, well. That may sound cold, but people should never feel obligated to ask anyone to be in the wedding party. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • scribe95 said:
    Not sure what you are looking for here. The brother hasn't done or said anything right? You are worrying too much.
    My fiance hasn't told his best man or groomsmen of their duties yet. We only just got engaged and haven't even set a date. He only told me who he has chosen and we're going to announce our choices to our wedding party when we set a date.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    missjecka said:
    My fiance chose his best friend as his best man, not his [only] brother. It's his choice in the end, but I know his brother... and his brother is kind of whiny and dramatic. I think he may be offended. He knows his brother more than I do, obviously, and said that he doesn't think he'd be offended. However, I'm nervous that he may be. I don't think he's going to act like a jerk because he's not the best man, but I just don't want him to be hurt that his big brother chose a friend over family.

    Thoughts?


    Not your problem to worry about.

    My DH did not ask either of his brothers to even be in the wedding party. It's not a requirement.

  • KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Unless he and his brother are "best friends" type of close...then of course he chose his best friend.

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  • Groomsmen have no duties besides to show up looking appropriate.

    My FI's brother will not be his best man. His best man is his best friend of 20 years.
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  • I agree with others... stay out of it, it is not your problem.  Your FH made a choice and all you need to do is back him up.  Don't make mountains out of mole hills.
  • missjecka said:
    scribe95 said:
    Not sure what you are looking for here. The brother hasn't done or said anything right? You are worrying too much.
    My fiance hasn't told his best man or groomsmen of their duties yet. We only just got engaged and haven't even set a date. He only told me who he has chosen and we're going to announce our choices to our wedding party when we set a date.
    What duties?

  • Do not get involved in issues between two brothers.

    DANGER WILL ROBINSON. Stay away.
  • missjecka said:
    scribe95 said:
    Not sure what you are looking for here. The brother hasn't done or said anything right? You are worrying too much.
    My fiance hasn't told his best man or groomsmen of their duties yet. We only just got engaged and haven't even set a date. He only told me who he has chosen and we're going to announce our choices to our wedding party when we set a date.
    What duties?
    By "duties" I mean the whole "Your my best man!" e-mail/text/phone call.
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  • PDKH said:
    Groomsmen have no duties besides to show up looking appropriate. My FI's brother will not be his best man. His best man is his best friend of 20 years.
    I didn't mean "duties" as in "jobs". I didn't know how to phrase the moment my fiance tells the guys that they're in the wedding party.

    Semantics. 
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

     

    missjecka said:
    missjecka said:
    scribe95 said:
    Not sure what you are looking for here. The brother hasn't done or said anything right? You are worrying too much.
    My fiance hasn't told his best man or groomsmen of their duties yet. We only just got engaged and haven't even set a date. He only told me who he has chosen and we're going to announce our choices to our wedding party when we set a date.
    What duties?
    By "duties" I mean the whole "Your my best man!" e-mail/text/phone call.
    Okay. So if he hasn't asked them yet, it's no big deal at all. He can also choose to have no best man...or two best men...there really aren't "rules". It's entirely up to your FI.
  • Unless your wedding is really soon, you don't need to pick (or tell people they're in) the wedding party until about 6-9 months before hand, I think. 

    I'd stay out of this. It doesn't matter if brother is upset; he'll get over it.
  • itzMS said:

     

    missjecka said:
    missjecka said:
    scribe95 said:
    Not sure what you are looking for here. The brother hasn't done or said anything right? You are worrying too much.
    My fiance hasn't told his best man or groomsmen of their duties yet. We only just got engaged and haven't even set a date. He only told me who he has chosen and we're going to announce our choices to our wedding party when we set a date.
    What duties?
    By "duties" I mean the whole "Your my best man!" e-mail/text/phone call.
    Okay. So if he hasn't asked them yet, it's no big deal at all. He can also choose to have no best man...or two best men...there really aren't "rules". It's entirely up to your FI.
    Thanks for the honesty! Of the 10 or so weddings I've been to in my life, I've never seen someone not pick a sibling for Maid/Matron of Honor or Best Man (if they have siblings, of course). Also, I'm an only child so I just always assumed that the connection between siblings is what would prevail in moments like this; seeing him choose his best friend of 15 years was just something I didn't expect.

    As I said in my original post, it's obviously his choice and he knows his brother and friend better than I do. I'm also not a conniving bitch who will tell him he shouldn't choose his friend.
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  • missjecka said:
    PDKH said:
    Groomsmen have no duties besides to show up looking appropriate. My FI's brother will not be his best man. His best man is his best friend of 20 years.
    I didn't mean "duties" as in "jobs". I didn't know how to phrase the moment my fiance tells the guys that they're in the wedding party.

    Semantics. 
    fair enough - just make sure that he ASKS them rather than tell them. 
  • When my dad got married not only did he choose his best friend as his best man but he didn't include either of his brothers in the WP. They all still have a great relationship and no one was offended or hurt by his decision.

    Don't worry about it.


  • Unless your wedding is really soon, you don't need to pick (or tell people they're in) the wedding party until about 6-9 months before hand, I think. 

    I'd stay out of this. It doesn't matter if brother is upset; he'll get over it.
    Thanks. We haven't set a date yet, as we're waiting on finalizing a venue to do so, but we're leaning towards early April or early May... so yes, it's rather soon.
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  • phiraphira member
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    I'm not asking my sister to be my maid of honor, and my brother's not even going to make the wedding party (we'll involve him in the ceremony in another way). I think my sister is even going to be surprised when I ask her to be a bridesmaid. So it's definitely not a problem if your fiance wants his best friend as his best man.
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  • At my FI's first wedding his brother wasn't even in the wedding party. Their relationship has changed and he is going to ask him to be the best man at our wedding. No hurt feelings. Boys get over things, or most of the time, don't care.

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  • My H had his best friend as his best man and his brother as one of his groomsmen. H and his brother get along fine, but they just aren't super close. Your H's decision is totally up to him and totally fine.
  • fyrefly76 said:
    I've actually heard one of my guy friends say that if you need your brother to be in your wedding party, you need to get out there and make more/better friends.
    Well that makes him sound like an ass. My SO is extremely close to his brother and his brother is his best friend. He has other friends too but he is closest to his brother and I don't think he needs to go find better friends.


  • Some siblings are close, and ask each other to be honor attendants.

    Some siblings are not close, and don't expect to be an attendant at all.

    In the OP, I still say let the brothers deal with each other. The bride should stay out of it.
  • My FI best man is his best friend and one of his brothers is a groomsman. His other brother is not part of the wedding party (he lives in Japan). None of it is an issue. 

    My sister is my MOH. We are very close, so it was a no brainer. 
  • jcrmcjcrmc member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    FI and FBIL were never close when growing up, nor as adults until the last few years when we have been together and he has become more settled and familyish. His bro did not have FI in the wedding party at all - he was an usher. FI asked his best friend of 17years to stand up with him. He asked another VERY close friend to be a groomsman. FBIL is head usher/mc/pointer-outer of where to go apres ceremony
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  • I agree, let your FI handle his brother if he speaks up. When my sister and BIL got married he asked his best friend to be his Best Man over his brother. BIL's parents weren't super pleased about it but they didn't argue and on the wedding day his brother sat next to mom and dad in the front row. Everything worked out fine.
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