Wedding location dilemma

jessiemmert · July 2013

I've lurked here for a long time, but this is my first post.

My etiquette question has to do with the location of my wedding. The situation is this: my family moved a ton growing up. Six years ago my parents moved to Florida. I lived there for two years, and then moved to Indiana to go to college where I met my fiancé. My grandparents and mother's extended family all live in Ohio, as do all of my fiancés family. My fiancé and I want to have the wedding in his hometown. We feel like it makes the most sense, as most of my family, outside of my parents, and all of his family is there. It also makes the most sense for all of our college friends, including people who set us up, to be able to come. I am very close to my grandparents and mom's extended family, but my mom actually is not - she moved away from home at 18 and rarely goes back.

Since I only lived in Florida for a couple years and never really adjusted to it, I would feel odd having a wedding there - I don't feel like it is "home" at all. My parents, especially my mom, were extremely disappointed when I told them this. They said they think it is unfair to have to pay for a wedding if they won't know most of the people there and it's not in their home. They also didn't like us going against tradition to have the wedding somewhere other than the bride's hometown (even though I would never consider myself from Florida). I understand their point completely, but if the wedding was in Florida, my fiancé and I would barely know anyone who came. The few friends I do have there have moved away, and I'm not close with any of the family friends my parents have there. My mom just said it is disappointing that she won't be at all involved in her only daughter's wedding if I choose to have it in Ohio, but my fiancé's mom would get to be involved. My fiancé and I will be very sad if a lot of our family members and friends can't be there. I know my parents are far too proper to refuse to pay for the wedding if they don't get their way - they will pay for it, but I will hear about it all through planning the wedding and I don't want them to be disappointed, awkward and bitter on that day.

What is the wisest and most proper thing to do? Any advice/thoughts?

STARMOON44 · July 2013

Wisest and most proper? Have it in Ohio and pay for it yourself, or have it in Florida and accept your parents help. They have politely made it clear that when they offered to pay, they were envisioning a Florida wedding with lots of their own involvement. It's lovely that you think they'll still pay in Ohio, but since it's clearly not what they want, I think you should graciously decline.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

Where did you live prior to Florida? Can you discuss this more with your mom, maybe arrange a few visits to Ohio for the two of you?

I understand why you want to have it in OH, and I understand why your parents would want it in FL. And it seems like your parents are willing to do it in OH to make you happy, but maybe your mom needs some reassurance that she'll still be involved.

jessiemmert · July 2013

Prior to Florida, we lived in Missouri and before that we did live in Ohio near my mom's family, which is another reason I'd like it there - the place I want to have it at is actually a park that I have good childhood memories of going to with my mom when we lived in Ohio, the same park my fiancé went to as a child - it just seems fitting to have it in a place we both have memories at.

To those suggesting we have it in Ohio and pay for it ourselves - I did suggest this to my parents and I think they were actually even more hurt by that - they saw it as me saying I didn't want them involved at all, which certainly wasn't what I meant.

I don't want to hurt my mom, and I really think her main concern is just that she wants to feel like the hostess of the party and feels like that's impossible if it's in a place where she doesn't live. I think since she grew up in Ohio and her family is still there, there's no reason people wouldn't see her as the hostess - but that's just my perspective.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

There's a lot of "hurt" flying back and forth.

Mom is "hurt" because she can't have it her way. She wants to pay for the wedding and host the event where she lives.

You are "hurt" because you want to include more of your family and fiancé's family and want to have the wedding in a place with personal meaning to you.

Ideally, you could split space and time into parallel universes, with two weddings that address both "hurts", then reunite space and time the day after. Not possible, besides Etiquette frowns on do-over-for-show weddings. (aka Fake Weddings)

The tie-breaker in this situation is the desire of the bride and groom to get married in a place of their choice. That's Ohio. Bride and groom want Ohio, and are willing to pay for it, they get Ohio.

Suggest to Mom that she host a Second Reception in Florida, so the bride and groom can meet her friends. A Second Reception is perfectly proper, so long as it does not try to recreate the actual wedding ceremony. You and new husband show up in pretty party clothes, meet and greet her friends and cut a wedding cake. You might have a slide show set up with wedding photos so the guests can see what it looked like on Your Day. A Second Reception could take place immediately after the honeymoon, a week or two after the actual wedding.

Second Receptions have huge historical precedence. In times past, travel was difficult, expensive and downright dangerous. Thus, if the bride and groom came from different home towns, the wedding would be in the bride's home town, then the couple would travel to the groom's home town where his parents would host the Second Reception. That saved legions of groom's friends and relatives from travel.

Finally: If we are throwing "hurt" around, think of what it was like having to move a lot. That's tough on a kid. One side effect of moving a family around the country every couple of years is that the kid may identify with a home town other than where the parents are now.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

jessiemmert said:

Prior to Florida, we lived in Missouri and before that we did live in Ohio near my mom's family, which is another reason I'd like it there - the place I want to have it at is actually a park that I have good childhood memories of going to with my mom when we lived in Ohio, the same park my fiancé went to as a child - it just seems fitting to have it in a place we both have memories at.

To those suggesting we have it in Ohio and pay for it ourselves - I did suggest this to my parents and I think they were actually even more hurt by that - they saw it as me saying I didn't want them involved at all, which certainly wasn't what I meant.

I don't want to hurt my mom, and I really think her main concern is just that she wants to feel like the hostess of the party and feels like that's impossible if it's in a place where she doesn't live. I think since she grew up in Ohio and her family is still there, there's no reason people wouldn't see her as the hostess - but that's just my perspective.

I totally see why you'd want to have it in Ohio. I think that you can have it here, and have your family be happy about it. Can you ask your mom to fly up for a weekend together in Ohio? Maybe go look at venues together, dress shop, etc. It looks like she really just wants to feel involved. I think that if she's up there with you and you guys have time to talk one on one, she'll understand where you are coming from.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Sounds like everyone but your parents are in Ohio, so for the sake of everyone else spending a ton of money on travel and you not getting the location you want, have it there. Maybe offer to pay your parents flights?

I would like to add that is sounds like your mom is already manipulating you with location. I would save yourself the headache and pay for your own wedding so if your mom goes crazypants, you don't have to do what she says because she's not paying for it.

RebeccaB88 · July 2013

Mom is using her 'hurt' to manipulate you into doing what she wants, into getting things her way.

Your wedding, your money, you have it where you want. If they are 'hurt' by that, then they can choose to contribute financially to the wedding and acknowledge your feelings in the matter, or they can continue to be 'hurt' by your (perfectly logical) choices and allow that to affect your wedding day and possibly their future relationship with you. They don't have to contribute to the wedding at all, and you can let them be as involved or uninvolved as they want to be, but the choice to be involved will be theirs. You aren't doing anything to force them out. If you're paying, you can do it your way.

allispain · July 2013

Have you explained to your parents why you want to have the wedding in this particular place in Ohio? That it's where you think of as "home" from when you were a kid (at least, that's the gist of what I got from your second post)? Have you indicated to your mom that you want her to be involved? Maybe talked about schedules of when the two of you can meet in Ohio for a weekend to choose a venue, caterer, florist, etc.?

I think it's perfectly legitimate that you want to have the wedding in the place where not only you have good memories from childhood but there are also a lot of people locally, saving your guests on travel costs. However, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm getting a sense from your posts that maybe you and your mom simply haven't been communicating enough about the why as well as what you want her role to be in planning (besides a checkbook - which they obviously want to be). I think that having that conversation to clear the air might really help.

SomethingBeautiful08 · July 2013

OP as someone who also lives x-country from my parents and also got married x-country from where they live .I understand. Let me assure you that while it is challenging, there are many ways for them to be involved. Many bridal shops allow you to take pictures and /or set up skype to their appointments. You can bounce ideas through email / pinterest... etc. You can buy your dress in FL if you want her to shop with you or she can fly / drive up.

You are making a reasonable and respectful choice to have the wedding in OH. Plan a wedding that you and FH can afford. Assure your parents that they can be as involved as they want to be (within reason) both in planning and financially. If they continue to give you grief over this after you and FH have made this reasonable and adult choice, then that is very childish of them.

meggiemo · July 2013

I was born and raised in Chicago but moved to Kansas City 4 years ago for grad school. H (boyfriend at the time) graduated from grad school in MS and got an incredible job offer here, so we stayed. This is now our "home" and when we decided to have our wedding here, my mom supported us but I knew she was feeling quite left out. I promised to include her in every detail I possibly could and when all was said and done, I really think she felt included and happy. How'd we make that happen?

We talked on the phone constantly. We emailed back and forth as often as we could. We had shared boards on Pinterest so that when she found something she liked, I received a notification that she had posted it to the board and vice versa. When we met with vendors, we Skyped her in. When we knew she was visiting, we tried to schedule appointments that we knew she would want to be a part of, such as food tastings, venue open houses, and things that were not quite as easy to handle via Skype. When it was time to start shopping for wedding dresses, I flew home to Chicago and we tried on some dresses there to narrow the field as to what I liked. Once we narrowed it down, we scheduled some appointments around her next visit to Kansas to find the exact gown I wanted where I lived, to make for easier alterations and fitting appointments. My seamstress scheduled fittings around my mom's visits (I was very fortunate to have found an incredibly accommodating wedding gown shop).

Obviously, it's not fair to assume that you are able to do everything that I did to include your mom. Schedules, etc may not make for as easy of an arrangement as I had. However, I would definitely talk to her and make some of these suggestions. Express to her how important it is for you and FI to have the wedding in Ohio, but how happy you would be if she was still a big part of the planning. Ask her what you can do to include her more and make a concerted effort to do so. Is it possible for you and FI to pay for your parents to travel to Ohio once or twice before the wedding in order to be included in some of those bigger decisions?

jessiemmert · July 2013

Thanks for all this advice! I'm feeling more confident now that I could have our wedding in Ohio and still help my mother to feel like she is a part of the big day. I think the only thing that is "unfixable" is the fact that my parents will probably only know about 20 of the 150 people at our wedding ... FH has a big family and all our college friends will probably make up a big part of the rest of the group. I want to do everything possible to help them feel more like hosts and less like awkward guests.

I think buying the dress with my mom will be key!

MandyMost · July 2013

jessiemmert said:

Thanks for all this advice! I'm feeling more confident now that I could have our wedding in Ohio and still help my mother to feel like she is a part of the big day. I think the only thing that is "unfixable" is the fact that my parents will probably only know about 20 of the 150 people at our wedding ... FH has a big family and all our college friends will probably make up a big part of the rest of the group. I want to do everything possible to help them feel more like hosts and less like awkward guests.

I think buying the dress with my mom will be key!

I don't see what the guest list really has to do with the location. You'll be inviting your friends and families regardless of where the wedding occurs. If your mom wants to invite more of her friends from Florida, that's a separate issue of where the wedding will take place.

So, assuming the issue is that your parents will only know a small portion of the guest list (regardless of where the venue is), that's something you can deal with. Have an engagement party where you at least get your parents and as many of his relatives together as possible. Have a shower that you get as many of your friends and your mom to as possible. And make sure to plan plenty of pre-wedding activities in the couple days before that your parents can get to know more people at...so by the time the actual wedding roles around, they'll know everyone there!

lschwar2 · July 2013

Exactly what I was going to say, MandyMost. Why would you have different guests lists based on where the wedding is located?

I personally think you should have the wedding in Florida since your parents are paying for it. Your FH's family and your college friends should still be invited to the Florida wedding.

jessiemmert · July 2013

lschwar2 said:

Exactly what I was going to say, MandyMost. Why would you have different guests lists based on where the wedding is located?

I personally think you should have the wedding in Florida since your parents are paying for it. Your FH's family and your college friends should still be invited to the Florida wedding.

I suppose I worded that badly. We would still invite all of the same people regardless of where the wedding was, but obviously who would come would vary greatly depending on location. I know that most of my parents friends would not be able to afford/wouldn't feel the need since they don't really know me well to travel to Ohio. Likewise, most (if not all except the WP) of my college friends could not afford to travel to Florida. Some of FH's family might make the trek, but I doubt most. So, if we have the wedding in Ohio, realistically the majority of my parents friends would not come, which may make them feel awkward.

As I mentioned a few posts up, FH and I are willing to pay for the wedding and have it in Ohio - the only snag on this being that my parents saw it as offensive and improper for them not to pay.

After a few more discussions with FH and parents, it looks like they are reluctantly accepting that it is more practical for us to get married in Ohio. I have tried repeatedly to reassure my mom she will still be very involved and important. Because they still want to be financially involved, I think I may suggest that they simply pay for my dress - I think that will be enough for them to feel they have done the "proper" thing, but still gives us the freedom to have the wedding where we want, as we will pay for everything else.

annathy03 · July 2013

jessiemmert said:

lschwar2 said:

Exactly what I was going to say, MandyMost. Why would you have different guests lists based on where the wedding is located?

I personally think you should have the wedding in Florida since your parents are paying for it. Your FH's family and your college friends should still be invited to the Florida wedding.

I suppose I worded that badly. We would still invite all of the same people regardless of where the wedding was, but obviously who would come would vary greatly depending on location. I know that most of my parents friends would not be able to afford/wouldn't feel the need since they don't really know me well to travel to Ohio. Likewise, most (if not all except the WP) of my college friends could not afford to travel to Florida. Some of FH's family might make the trek, but I doubt most. So, if we have the wedding in Ohio, realistically the majority of my parents friends would not come, which may make them feel awkward.

As I mentioned a few posts up, FH and I are willing to pay for the wedding and have it in Ohio - the only snag on this being that my parents saw it as offensive and improper for them not to pay.

After a few more discussions with FH and parents, it looks like they are reluctantly accepting that it is more practical for us to get married in Ohio. I have tried repeatedly to reassure my mom she will still be very involved and important. Because they still want to be financially involved, I think I may suggest that they simply pay for my dress - I think that will be enough for them to feel they have done the "proper" thing, but still gives us the freedom to have the wedding where we want, as we will pay for everything else.

Are you recently engaged? If you are still in the timeframe that an engagement party would be appropriate, and you and your FI would be willing to fly to Florida for it, your mother could host one to introduce you as a couple to her friends. As long as they are invited she could technically do a shower there, but if you know they won't travel I think that looks gift-grabby, whereas an engagement party could be more of a meet-and-greet.

Wedding location dilemma

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