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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Family RSVP issue

rsannarsanna member
500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
edited July 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I'm normally a pretty level-headed person but now that RSVPs are coming back, I'm really starting to stress out. No one seems to know how to read an invitation and keep adding more and more people onto their response cards. Thus far it has been mainly friends - one girl decided to try and invite her parents and sister - but now it has reared its head on my side of the family. Sigh. I don't think it is really all that unique of a situation and yes I'm looking for validation but please tell me if I'm completely out of line and need to calm the fuck down. 

Basically, through my dad's insistence we invited his Aunts and Uncle as well as one cousin (and her husband) and their oldest daughter who is 18 and I actually know somewhat. Cousin has 4 other children that are all under 18. I sent out two invitations, one for the daughter and one for the Cousin and Husband. My parents just saw these people yesterday and they informed them that they are all, all 7 of them, coming. There was some prior miscommunication between my parents and I that has exasperated this problem, because for some reason they didn't mention the younger kids but assumed I was inviting them and I thought since they didn't mention the younger kids that we weren't inviting (and if I had known their intention WAS to invite the younger kids, we could have cleared this up then).

So now we are at an impasse. I have told both of my parents that those kids will not have a seat at my wedding if they don't take care of it. I don't want these kids, who were not invited, at my wedding. The invitation specifically only said Mr. and Mrs. Smith. My mom said that if she ever received and invitation like that that she would just assume her children were invited because to not do so would have been incredibly rude. My dad says I should have been more clear that the children weren't invited.  They both say they refuse to deal with the problem and unless we don't get a lot of people declining than they won't talk to them and inform them that their little preciouses aren't invited. They also said not inviting the children is akin to not inviting someone's husband or wife. 

Any advice? Am I really the brat that my parents are making me feel like? Did I commit a major etiquette faux-pas by not inviting these children? I keep thinking if this is the hill I want to die on, but I don't want these kids and for some reason this guest-issue is pushing my buttons a lot.

ETA: My parents paid for the venue deposit, photographer, my dress and the pop. FI and I are covering everything else.

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Re: Family RSVP issue

  • Parents who pay get a say, but when the list has been finalized and you wrote (2 people) next to their names instead of 7, they had their chance to clear it up. And whomever does the inviting of the uninvited has to undo their mistake.

    *Questions: Do you have room for yhe children?
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    Previously Alaynajuliana


  • Call them up and say you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but their children are nit invited, and you hope the parents will be able to make it.
  • rsannarsanna member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    I don't even know these people and I don't even know if my parents will give me their number. My dad is super worried about it affecting his relationship with them, since he is just starting to build one with them after they (my parents) cut them out for refusing to acknowledge my dad's step-children (my siblings) as his children. All I can do is try. 

    And we might have room for the children. But I don't think that is the point. They weren't invited. 
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  • Are you not having any children at the wedding? If so, I would call them up and inform them that unfortunately, you will not be having children at the wedding. If you are having other children, it becomes complicated because if they can't bring their children they will be upset when they arrive and see other kids. If that's the case, and you still don't want their children coming, I would call and just apologize that you don't have enough space for everyone and the invite was just for them.
  • rsanna said:
    I don't even know these people and I don't even know if my parents will give me their number. My dad is super worried about it affecting his relationship with them, since he is just starting to build one with them after they (my parents) cut them out for refusing to acknowledge my dad's step-children (my siblings) as his children. All I can do is try. 

    And we might have room for the children. But I don't think that is the point. They weren't invited. 

    I agree with everyone that since you are paying for the event, you should have the final say in who is and who is not invited. You are well within your rights to get in contact with them, somehow, and politely clear up the confusion. If that is what you want to do, I am behind you 100%.

    However... your dad has a lot of emotional involvement in repairing family relationships, and your wedding is a great opportunity to mend hurt feelings. If you have a good relationship with your parents and feel like they've been good to you over the years, then it wouldn't hurt to go ahead and include this family, just because your father wants it that way.

    Ask yourself "Is this a hill to die on?".

    My parents were very good to me, and if I were in your situation, I would go ahead with what my dad wants.

    However, I am not in your situation. You know better your history with your parents and the family drama.

    You have every right to stand your ground, but there is good reason to reconsider your position.
  • rsannarsanna member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I never even thought of the white pages. Duh. We are just having my niece and 2 nephews as well as my cousins infant, who will be just a little over a year old. 

    But BarbLovesDave is right. I don't want to hurt my dad and this seems like it would hurt him.

    At least I know that I'm not the crazy one or at least wasn't super rude. We're seeing my parents on Saturday and I'm sure we will talk about it more then. 

    Thanks. 
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  • rsanna said:
     
    At least I know that I'm not the crazy one or at least wasn't super rude. We're seeing my parents on Saturday and I'm sure we will talk about it more then. 
     
    You're not crazy. You're making a grown-up decision where there is no one blazingly correct answer. You know your dad and your past history with your dad better than anyone here.

    I'll leave you with this. Imagine yourself 10 years from now. Imagine looking back at this situation. What memories do you want to have? In my life, I have found it better to be inclusive rather than exclusive when in doubt. You might end up with a nice relationship with this family and by-then adult children.

    Again, I'm behind you all the way should you decide to exclude the people you don't want to invite. That is your right.
  • rsanna said:
    I don't even know these people and I don't even know if my parents will give me their number. My dad is super worried about it affecting his relationship with them, since he is just starting to build one with them after they (my parents) cut them out for refusing to acknowledge my dad's step-children (my siblings) as his children. All I can do is try. 

    And we might have room for the children. But I don't think that is the point. They weren't invited. 

    I agree with everyone that since you are paying for the event, you should have the final say in who is and who is not invited. You are well within your rights to get in contact with them, somehow, and politely clear up the confusion. If that is what you want to do, I am behind you 100%.

    However... your dad has a lot of emotional involvement in repairing family relationships, and your wedding is a great opportunity to mend hurt feelings. If you have a good relationship with your parents and feel like they've been good to you over the years, then it wouldn't hurt to go ahead and include this family, just because your father wants it that way.

    Ask yourself "Is this a hill to die on?".

    My parents were very good to me, and if I were in your situation, I would go ahead with what my dad wants.

    However, I am not in your situation. You know better your history with your parents and the family drama.

    You have every right to stand your ground, but there is good reason to reconsider your position.
    I'm not sure I agree with the bolded - this is a wedding that is being hosted, not a family reunion. If the bride is uncomfortable having these total strangers' kids there - regardless of them being extended family - I think that takes precedence over her dad wanting to mend bridges.

    OP, I think that when you see your parents this weekend and talk to them, you should have your ideas in order as to the pluses and minuses of having these kids there. For example, a plus would be that your dad really wants them there. A minus (perhaps you disagree, it's just an example) might be that they would be the only children who are not immediate family (I'm not counting the cousin's infant, since infant's are a different story), not to mention the budget/spacing issues that may arise. This way you and your parents can have a better discussion about the practical issues as well as the emotional ones that go along with deciding whether or not to allow them to attend.
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  • Pick one. Please your dad and invite the 7 people or say no and create some havoc because you are in the right.

    I've had some issues with FMIL for this and honestly, for the first chunk of people, I preferred to deal with it by adding the people. I saw it as buying my way out of dealing with her. Recently she added someone that was just one person too many for us and we put our foot down and she said "fine, he will be my plus one". Fine...  My point is that for me anyway, it's mostly not worth the head ache because I will be hearing about this shit for the rest of her life if I don't.

    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • How far into the RSVPs are you? If this is one of the last ones maybe it would be best just to let it be and have the kids there... but if you are just starting alot more of this issues could arise and next thing you know you have 20 more people added in.

    I don't get how people just add people on their RSVP!

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    Anniversary
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2013
    rsanna said:

    I'm normally a pretty level-headed person but now that RSVPs are coming back, I'm really starting to stress out. No one seems to know how to read an invitation and keep adding more and more people onto their response cards. Thus far it has been mainly friends - one girl decided to try and invite her parents and sister - but now it has reared its head on my side of the family. Sigh. I don't think it is really all that unique of a situation and yes I'm looking for validation but please tell me if I'm completely out of line and need to calm the fuck down. 

    Basically, through my dad's insistence we invited his Aunts and Uncle as well as one cousin (and her husband) and their oldest daughter who is 18 and I actually know somewhat. Cousin has 4 other children that are all under 18. I sent out two invitations, one for the daughter and one for the Cousin and Husband. My parents just saw these people yesterday and they informed them that they are all, all 7 of them, coming. There was some prior miscommunication between my parents and I that has exasperated this problem, because for some reason they didn't mention the younger kids but assumed I was inviting them and I thought since they didn't mention the younger kids that we weren't inviting (and if I had known their intention WAS to invite the younger kids, we could have cleared this up then).

    So now we are at an impasse. I have told both of my parents that those kids will not have a seat at my wedding if they don't take care of it. I don't want these kids, who were not invited, at my wedding. The invitation specifically only said Mr. and Mrs. Smith. My mom said that if she ever received and invitation like that that she would just assume her children were invited because to not do so would have been incredibly rude. My dad says I should have been more clear that the children weren't invited.  They both say they refuse to deal with the problem and unless we don't get a lot of people declining than they won't talk to them and inform them that their little preciouses aren't invited. They also said not inviting the children is akin to not inviting someone's husband or wife. 

    Any advice? Am I really the brat that my parents are making me feel like? Did I commit a major etiquette faux-pas by not inviting these children? I keep thinking if this is the hill I want to die on, but I don't want these kids and for some reason this guest-issue is pushing my buttons a lot.

    ETA: My parents paid for the venue deposit, photographer, my dress and the pop. FI and I are covering everything else.

    rsanna said:
    I don't even know these people and I don't even know if my parents will give me their number. My dad is super worried about it affecting his relationship with them, since he is just starting to build one with them after they (my parents) cut them out for refusing to acknowledge my dad's step-children (my siblings) as his children. All I can do is try. 

    And we might have room for the children. But I don't think that is the point. They weren't invited. 
    So, I agree with most of the PPs that you are not technically obligated to invite these kids. People on this board say all the time that kids are not part of the social unit the way spouses are, and that you can pick and choose and invite those with whom you have a relationship.

    But. That being said, it sounds like you have elected to invite a cousin with her husband and only the oldest of her 5 children, the remainder of whom I assume live at home (being that they're <18), which *technically* you are within your right to do -- again though, people on this board tend to agree that if you invite some kids from a household then it's wise/kind/polite to invite all kids in that home.

    But excluding 4 out of 5 kids in a family is unlikely to do your dad any favors with regard to mending family drama that began over excluding one another's children. Not that you have any obligation to do your dad favors; just pointing out that this seems to be a hot button issue in your family. It may or may not be worth it for you to, as a PP said, "buy your way out of dealing with it." Does your venue offer a cheaper rate for kids and are some of the 4 kids in question young enough to qualify for a cheaper rate? (In my case, if all 4 kids had been under 12, they would have cost the same as 2 adults, and any under 4 would have been freebies.)

    ETA: I realize that the cost is probably not your ultimate concern; I mentioned it more with regard to justifying the "cost" of keeping the family peace -- the cheaper it is, the more worth it it may be to just accommodate them and move on.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • Are there other families that weren't invited with children? If this family is allowed to bring the additional four children, that may cause strife with other parents if their children weren't invited.
  • rsannarsanna member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    We still have a lot of responses to get back and this hasn't been the first bump in the RSVP road. And it seems the more and more responses we get back the more and more people keep getting added on and the increases go from 1 to 3 to 4 people more than invited. Before this a cousin asked to bring his girlfriend (that no one in the family knew about, we of course said yes), the next time it was a friend that wanted to bring her parents and sister. And now four more children. And these kids are my third-cousins. And I have never spoken to any of them in my life.

    Another Aunt of my Dad's has 2 kids we didn't invite either. I don't know how old they are and I've met them maybe once or twice. I don't want to have to deal with this with them either. And no one else on our list has young kids that I know of. I'm just waiting for the plus 8 from Uncle Joe, because honestly that seems to be where we are going from.

    But I think Stage and Muppet and others are right. I don't want to start a war. My parents know my position and opinion, and we will talk more about it on Saturday I'm sure. My dad's feelings are important to me and so I'm kind of stuck. We will probably just allow the kids. Bright side, all of the candy should get eaten?
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  •  
    I'm not sure I agree with the bolded - this is a wedding that is being hosted, not a family reunion. If the bride is uncomfortable having these total strangers' kids there - regardless of them being extended family - I think that takes precedence over her dad wanting to mend bridges.
     
    I think it's up to the bride and groom to make the final decision. She has food for thought, now.
  • Harry87 said:
     
    Uh, getting a little catty here?
    Why in the hell did your friend think she could bring her family along? OP, I hope you're enjoying a strong beverage throughout this whole boondoggle.
    The bride asked for advice in this message thread, and has received varying opinions. It's up to her to make the final decision.

    I personally think she's in the fortunate position of being "right" no matter which way she decides. A great win-win situation, far better than the "lesser of two evils" decision so many of us face.
  • rsannarsanna member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Harry87 said:
     
    I'm not sure I agree with the bolded - this is a wedding that is being hosted, not a family reunion. If the bride is uncomfortable having these total strangers' kids there - regardless of them being extended family - I think that takes precedence over her dad wanting to mend bridges.
     
    I think it's up to the bride and groom to make the final decision. She has food for thought, now.
    Uh, getting a little catty here?
    Why in the hell did your friend think she could bring her family along? OP, I hope you're enjoying a strong beverage throughout this whole boondoggle.
    We grew up together and when I did 4-H it was at her house so I know her family a little bit. But not really well enough to warrant an invitation to the wedding. But I haven't seen any of them in quite a few years and yeah, it was kind of weird. 
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