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Questions about inviting/tipping officiant

linnyv27linnyv27 member
100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I've seen different answers about these questions online so I wanted to clarify what is appropriate in our situation.

Our officiant is a Father that is part of a group/organization of monks we found online. We were assigned to our officiant - but we don't have any prior ties to him or the group. Where we required to send him an invitation even though we don't know him? We did meet with him once in person to go over the ceremony. If we are required to invite him, is it too late to send an invitation now?

The services provided by the group are free of charge and if making a donation, it should be written out to the organization - which we will be doing. But since we don't know the Father all that well, what form of tip should we give? Check, cash?

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Re: Questions about inviting/tipping officiant

  • zizibetzizibet member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
                   I'd send the invitation as a courtesy.
      As far as the donation goes, I would write a check-the group would likely prefer that. Also, it gives you a paper trail because it might be tax-deductible.
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  • BarbLovesDaveBarbLovesDave member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    Write a check to the monastic group.

    You don't "tip" a professional person. You compensate them for their time. Just like you'd pay a lawyer his/her hourly rate.

    In this case, it sounds like the monks hold their funds in common. A check to the group is compensation enough.

    I know many clergy members, as I am a church-goer. I have heard them swap stories of cheap newlyweds who offer meager compensation when it's obvious the wedding was very elaborate.

    Consider 5-10% of the total cost of your reception. 

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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I plan on inviting the priest and his wife who will be marrying us but he is the father of my MOH, and I have a personal relationship with him. As PPs have said, sending an invite is a nice courtesy plus it helps him with date/time/directions, especially if the monastery's secretary booked him. Even meeting with him, he may not have everything at his disposal if someone else booked it for him.

    If you aren't sure what to give, maybe call and ask what prior couples have given. He may not accept a tip for himself, especially if his order has taken a vow of poverty. If you really like his service, you could always have a picture taken with him and frame it for him with a heartfelt note.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • hockey20hockey20 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Send the invite, that way he also knows where and when the reception is. As for a tip, a cheque would be the best bet, made out to the group, of course. I don't know how much would be appropriate, mind you.
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  • linnyv27linnyv27 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I love the idea of getting a photo with him and framing it! I'll be sure to do this.

    I got in touch with the organization and they gave me an average donation amount, so we got that covered. I didn't know whether it was appropriate to give him something extra since the check is made out to the organization - but we'll be going with the picture frame idea. And I'll be sending him an invitation asap. Thanks everyone!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image 123 Invited
    image 96 Are ready to party
    image 27 Will be missing out
    image 0 Are undecided
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  • BarbLovesDaveBarbLovesDave member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    StageManager14 said:

    I know many clergy members, as I am a church-goer. I have heard them swap stories of cheap newlyweds who offer meager compensation when it's obvious the wedding was very elaborate.

    Consider 5-10% of the total cost of your reception. 

    Just out of curiosity, what are you basing that percentage on?

    What various clergy members, with whom I am acquainted, have told me is appropriate.

    Bear in mind that in my church, the priest does not just show up on W-Day. There is pre-marital counseling and lots of other prep work.

    Your Mileage May Vary.
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  • BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    BarbLovesDave said:
    StageManager14 said:

    I know many clergy members, as I am a church-goer. I have heard them swap stories of cheap newlyweds who offer meager compensation when it's obvious the wedding was very elaborate.

    Consider 5-10% of the total cost of your reception. 

    Just out of curiosity, what are you basing that percentage on?

    What various clergy members, with whom I am acquainted, have told me is appropriate.

    Bear in mind that in my church, the priest does not just show up on W-Day. There is pre-marital counseling and lots of other prep work.

    Your Mileage May Vary.
    See this is weird to me.  My FI's father is a Pastor and this is just not correct.  First of all, that's very unprofessional of these clergy members to be discussing (read gossiping about) such things with others.

    According to this, the officiants time becomes more valuable if the couple is having a large elaborate reception than for that of a couple hosting a small cake and punch reception?  He spend the same amount of time and effort for both couples but this same amount of time costs more for one than the other?  Would a photographer decide charge more for 4 hours of work if they found out the reception was more elaborate than they had thought?  this is silly...
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  • BarbLovesDaveBarbLovesDave member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    BMoreBride6 said:
    See this is weird to me.  My FI's father is a Pastor and this is just not correct.  First of all, that's very unprofessional of these clergy members to be discussing (read gossiping about) such things with others.

    According to this, the officiants time becomes more valuable if the couple is having a large elaborate reception than for that of a couple hosting a small cake and punch reception?  He spend the same amount of time and effort for both couples but this same amount of time costs more for one than the other?  Would a photographer decide charge more for 4 hours of work if they found out the reception was more elaborate than they had thought?  this is silly...

    It's kind of like the Biblical tithe or a sliding scale. A family that is hosting an expensive, elaborate wedding can set aside more for the clergy's compensation than another family hosting a modest wedding.

    Bear in mind that most weddings in our church involve families that are already church members, and clergy services for church members are free of charge. That's part of the normal pastoral care duties of the priest. Compensation for her time is required for non-member "walk-ins". We have a beautiful sanctuary, and occasionally people who are not members of any church want a church wedding. We are an inclusionary congregation and welcome all. (Yes, ALL. I have personally witnessed same-sex weddings in my church.)

    A photographer or florist is just paid fee-for-service. Some officiants just charge fee-for-service if they have no other professional connection to the couple. 

    I hate to break it to you, but yes, clergy members gossip about problem parishioners and funny things that happen in their line of work. So long as they respect the confidentiality of the confessional, I see nothing wrong with clergy talking shop. It happens.
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