no idea what i'm doing O_O

Radianthippychick · July 2013

So, I just got engaged on my birthday. (June 18th) I have NO IDEA what i'm doing. I am the only one who has a job at the moment, (my fiance is going to school full time) Someone direct me to a board or person to talk to because at this point I feel overwhelmed and like crying.

My whole family is catholic, Jeff's family is not. My mother is in tears over the fact that I don't want a catholic ceremony. I just don't feel that close to the religion anymore. I used to participate heavily and then missed some things due to ovarian cysts. They flipped their nuggets over me being on birth control to help dry out/get rid of these cysts, so I just really have very little left in me for them.

*edit* My initial plan was to have the wedding license in hand, and then get married in the summer/Fall of 2014. I'm in GA so i have to look to see how long it's valid for ( I was under the impression I had 3-6 months?) Nothing that I want to do seems good enough for my mom, and it really is tearing a hole in my heart.

I feel like if i could come up with a reasonable budget I could just tell everyone to shove it and get on with life, but I can't seem to even be able to do that right now.

Someone message me please?

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

What you are planning is not viewed well here. You only get "really married" once, and though you may not mean it to come across that way, it's REALLY insulting to refer to a courthouse wedding as 'less real'.

My advice is this: Wedding planning isn't supposed to make you so depressed that you want to cry all the time. If it is, you are doing it wrong and pushing yourself unnaturally. Slow down, this isn't a race.

Do it right, do it once, do it when the process makes you happy, not depressed.

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

Congrats!! Don't panic about feeling lost. I had no clue either as to what I was doing when I got engaged. Start with a budget. How much can you and your FI afford to put towards this wedding?? Do you need more time to save up for what you want?? Don't count on money from others. If it does come in, then you were lucky and got an unexpected gift, but if you plan for what you can afford, you won't be stuck later short of cash or waiting for others to pony up. Also, cash from others comes with strings. If someone else is paying, they get a say in what is happening. If you Mom says she'll pay if you have a Catholic ceremony, she has that right as it's her money. So start with your own cash, and you and FI can dictate what you guys want

Look at the number of guests you want to invite. Friends, family, friends of parents, etc. If it's small, you can do more with a smaller budget, if it's a large guest list, you may need to scale some things down. As others have said, you need to host your guests properly, but if your reception is not during a meal time, cake and punch, fruit or veggies trays, sandwich trays, etc. are all fine. You don't have to go all out 5 course meal if you can't afford it. But receptions at lunch or dinner times need meals, cos people will be expecting to eat. Beverages must be hosted by you guys too, including alcohol if you choose to have it. But it's optional, or you can host only beer and wine if you can't afford a full open bar.

Now start looking at venues. Where do you want to get married, what can you afford, what's included. Make sure there is enough room for everyone you plan to invite.

From here, finish up with the rest of your vendors.

As for a JOP wedding and an "actual" wedding after, you basically just told everyone who got married at a courthouse that they didn't have an actual wedding. If you want to get married JOP first, cool, but you can't technically have a wedding after, cos you are already married. You can have a kick ass party after and celebrate with friends and family, but saying your vows as if you were getting married would look strange, since you're already married.

Anyway, if you are stuck with budgeting ideas or how to do something properly, the ladies here have amazing ideas here, so feel free to ask how to work around some of the limitations you're feeling. Good luck planning!!

bethsmiles · July 2013

Don't plan a pretty princess day. If you get married at the courthouse that IS your wedding. If you don't want to have a Catholic wedding then don't, just put your foot down with your mother and refuse to discuss it with her anymore.

The PPs gave you great advice as to how to start planning the wedding that YOU want. Just don't freak out

audreyecu61 · July 2013

Your relationship with God is between you and God. Not your mother or the Catholic church. Your marriage will be between you and your FI, not your mom and the Catholic church.

T there is no requirement to have some kind of event either. Have a JOP wedding if that is all you can afford. A dress and pretty flowers doesn't make a marriage.

If later you opt to have some kind of party, I suggest you do a nice anniversary party after a few years of marriage, when you are better suited financially.

If you want your marriage blessed by the Catholic church, you can do that too, remember the fanfare is just that, it isn't what is truly in your heart or that of your FI.

Good Luck

Amsdragonfly · July 2013

I agree with PPs on the multiple wedding/PPD.

On the other note of feeling overwhelmed, I would suggest waiting if you can. I was in a similar situation- FI wanted to get engaged/married while we were both in college, I said I wanted to focus on my schooling and get my master's before we focus on a wedding. I am super happy I waited, because we both have full time jobs now and can devote our time and energy to a wedding instead of studying for tests.

Teacherbride77 · July 2013

Audrey took my response right out of my mouth!! LOL

I'll just add:

IF you're feeling rushed, don't get married right away...what's the hurry? Enjoy being engaged!

pesematology · July 2013

I really strongly recommend the book "The Conscious Bride" and its companion organizer, "The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner". They take you through the steps of the emotional transformation that happens as you prepare for your wedding, including helping you untangle the feelings that most people have about family conflict and unresolved pain or conflict.

Do you think it might help your mother if you were to sit down and talk to a priest with her? My partner is an atheist child of a Catholic home but before his first marriage, he and his former wife (who was never a Catholic but had strong Protestant beliefs) attended pre-cana sessions at his mother's church even though they didn't get married in the church. If that is possible for you and wouldn't feel like compromising too much of yourself, that might be a peace offering you could make to your mother.

I agree with PPs that it's not a good idea to separate the "legal ceremony" from the "real wedding". In addition to possibly offending some people close to you, it also puts the stress on you twice. The reason there is still such ritualization around weddings in this day and age, is because the moment of becoming married carries a deep psychological significance, especially for the woman. Out of respect for the emotional work that it requires of you, you should only have one wedding day. I was previously married and I had a PPD after the "legal ceremony" and in retrospect, I realized later that I felt I had cheated myself by doing that, even though no one else was upset.

amaryann210 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the knot! Don't cry. It will be okay.

Your mom will have to get over you no longer being Catholic. It will be hard for her because her religion teaches her you'll probably end up in hell and that it is at least a little bit her fault for failing to raise you to be a good Catholic. I know this because I was raised, but am no longer Catholic, and my father occasionally gets very upset over how my lack of faith is sending us both to hell. Still, he got on board with the civil marriage thing and walked me down the aisle.

As for the bolded, a wedding is a ceremony in which you get married, not the day you wear the prettiest dress in front of the most people. You get one wedding, the real legal one, unless you get divorced or are widowed. Dressing up like a bride when you are a wife is not a real wedding, it is a fake one, because you aren't actually getting married. The real one (and only one) is the one where you legally become husband and wife.

The only things you need for a wedding are a partner and an officiant. If you have guests you must provide refreshments appropriate for the time of day. Cake and coffee at a non-meal time is perfectly acceptable. If that isn't good enough for your mom, she can a) get over it or b) offer to pay for something fancier. She doesn't get to dictate how you spend your money.

If you are grown-up enough to get married, you are grown-up enough to stand up to your mother.

I feel the need to clarify, as a practicing Catholic and being well-educated in my faith, the Catholic church does NOT teach that the only people going to heaven are Catholics and that if you leave the Catholic church, you are going to hell. This has never been church teaching, though I recognize a lot of misinformation is out there and was/is still being taught. I'm sorry this was ever told to you as truth.

audreyecu61 · July 2013

Amaryan, so true!

My mother and sister are hardcore Catholics, to the point that they tell people that I'm burning in hell becasue I don't practice my faith the way they think I should. My priest has told me different ofcourse.

amaryann210 · July 2013

audreyecu61 said:

Amaryan, so true!

My mother and sister are hardcore Catholics, to the point that they tell people that I'm burning in hell becasue I don't practice my faith the way they think I should. My priest has told me different ofcourse.

It makes me sad that anyone, regardless of their religion, thinks they have the authority to say who's going to hell. I am thankful I wasn't raised that way. Good for you for not taking their word for it and asking your priest.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Ok, breathe.

First, your wedding is the day you get married. If you want to do it in a court house tomorrow then that's fine, but that is your wedding. If you want the big day, and you are allowed to want that, then save up, plan, organise, and have it in the summer/fall of 2014, or whenever you can afford it. It doesn't have to be a huge shebang, it can be as simple as a park ceremony with cake and juice afterwards if that is what you want and can afford.

You're allowed to have whatever ceremony you want. Your mom has her beliefs and you have yours, but at the end of the day it is your wedding and you have a right to be married whereever you want (church/no church) and by whoever you want (priest/not a priest). Part of being an adult is making decisions and accepting the consequences. If your decision has upset your mother then you just need to deal with it the best you can.

Good luck!

thejucheidea · July 2013

Radianthippychick · July 2013

Sorry everyone, I just started a new job and they changed my hours AGAIN, that's okay atleast I'm employed. Onward to addressing people!

1) I am soo soo sorry for how I stated that, I meant the getting the license at the courthouse. I really do apologize. (don't beat me!) I promise i meant no offense. I am so used to having to break everything down to my parents in polish/english that sometimes I forget how to properly address something to everyone else. I'm SO SO SORRY, I will change that right now

monkeysip · July 2013

audreyecu61 said:

Your relationship with God is between you and God. Not your mother or the Catholic church. Your marriage will be between you and your FI, not your mom and the Catholic church.

T there is no requirement to have some kind of event either. Have a JOP wedding if that is all you can afford. A dress and pretty flowers doesn't make a marriage.

If later you opt to have some kind of party, I suggest you do a nice anniversary party after a few years of marriage, when you are better suited financially.

If you want your marriage blessed by the Catholic church, you can do that too, remember the fanfare is just that, it isn't what is truly in your heart or that of your FI.

Good Luck

Not sure what you mean by "blessed" here. If you're referring to a convalidation, those are not always granted. You can't just get married outside the church and count on getting a convalidation later. Maybe that's not important to OP at all, but just wanted to clarify that this is not always the case.

Radianthippychick · July 2013

pesematology said:

I really strongly recommend the book "The Conscious Bride" and its companion organizer, "The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner". They take you through the steps of the emotional transformation that happens as you prepare for your wedding, including helping you untangle the feelings that most people have about family conflict and unresolved pain or conflict.

Do you think it might help your mother if you were to sit down and talk to a priest with her? My partner is an atheist child of a Catholic home but before his first marriage, he and his former wife (who was never a Catholic but had strong Protestant beliefs) attended pre-cana sessions at his mother's church even though they didn't get married in the church. If that is possible for you and wouldn't feel like compromising too much of yourself, that might be a peace offering you could make to your mother.

I agree with PPs that it's not a good idea to separate the "legal ceremony" from the "real wedding". In addition to possibly offending some people close to you, it also puts the stress on you twice. The reason there is still such ritualization around weddings in this day and age, is because the moment of becoming married carries a deep psychological significance, especially for the woman. Out of respect for the emotional work that it requires of you, you should only have one wedding day. I was previously married and I had a PPD after the "legal ceremony" and in retrospect, I realized later that I felt I had cheated myself by doing that, even though no one else was upset.

Thank you so much for that book information, I will surely go and buy them tomorrow!

And to all of you, thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry I misrepresented what I wrote earlier, please forgive me.

Radianthippychick · July 2013

In terms of what I want, I do want to celebrate with relatives and friends, but I would much rather just have a unitarian ceremony. I understand my mother's concerns over my not being able to receive communion, but I have been told in person by someone that there is a way to include catholic elements (for me), without having the full mass. Is that correct? I'm not sure what that would entail, but I can't force my FI to become catholic just to make my mother happy. She does need to learn that not everyone in this world is Catholic, and that's okay; the world won't end tomorrow over that fact. FI was methodist, but now identifies with the UU crowd, and I love him for it. we embraced all religions that way and everyone is welcomed in our church. I do bounce between mass and going to the UU service depending on the week and weather (The UU service is about 20 miles away from us) But over all, I do feel more comfortable with them.

In terms of the amount of people I'm thinking with all of my relatives (I've got one of those BIG OL POLISH FAMILIES) 75-100 alone, and with friends 120

I would like to keep my budget at 6-8k, 10 if I can get family help

my mom wants me to wear her gown, but she was 16 and a few months pregnant when she got married, and I'm....well I have no idea at this point. I had Gastric Bypass so my butt goes from 10s in some pants down to a size 6 in other things, so I don't even know if i can get the dress altered enough to fit. If not, I have plans to break down all the seams and redo the dress with the same material and make it Jane friendly, Her dress is an 80s gown with the long high neck and long sleeves, I'm hoping I can have someone help me make something like the monique lhuillier scarlet dress. if not, i'll take a piece of her dress and use it as the sleeve for the bouquets, and maybe make a facinator type thing for the reception!

monkeysip · July 2013

Ok, just to clarify a few things.

In order to remain in communion with the Catholic Church, you would need to do one of two things.

A) have a catholic ceremony

get dispensation to have your wedding outside the Catholic Church (which is difficult; you must have a good reason)

Either option, you still have to do Catholic marriage preparation, and you would need to vow to raise your children Catholic.

Your spouse does NOT have to convert, and he does not have to make the same promise about your children. He is just expected not to interfere with your efforts to teach the children Catholicism.

If you have a Catholic ceremony, you do NOT have to have a mass. In fact, if one spouse isn't Catholic, it is often discouraged. You would have a regular Catholic marriage ceremony.

If you do not have a Catholic ceremony, and don't get a dispensation, then you are no longer in communion with the Church. If that doesn't matter to YOU, then don't do it just for your mother. That would be living a lie, and you need to be authentic to who you and your FI are.

Also, I would recommend against putting any "Catholic" elements into your non-Catholic ceremony. Certainly you could include things like scriptures or Catholic readings. But I'm saying don't try and make the ceremony "Catholic" because it isn't, and most likely, it wouldn't make your mother happy anyway.

Whatever you choose, just choose it for the right reasons. Hope you have a lovely wedding!

zitiqueen · July 2013

Radianthippychick said:

In terms of what I want, I do want to celebrate with relatives and friends, but I would much rather just have a unitarian ceremony. I understand my mother's concerns over my not being able to receive communion, but I have been told in person by someone that there is a way to include catholic elements (for me), without having the full mass. Is that correct? I'm not sure what that would entail, but I can't force my FI to become catholic just to make my mother happy. She does need to learn that not everyone in this world is Catholic, and that's okay; the world won't end tomorrow over that fact. FI was methodist, but now identifies with the UU crowd, and I love him for it. we embraced all religions that way and everyone is welcomed in our church. I do bounce between mass and going to the UU service depending on the week and weather (The UU service is about 20 miles away from us) But over all, I do feel more comfortable with them.

In terms of the amount of people I'm thinking with all of my relatives (I've got one of those BIG OL POLISH FAMILIES) 75-100 alone, and with friends 120

I would like to keep my budget at 6-8k, 10 if I can get family help

my mom wants me to wear her gown, but she was 16 and a few months pregnant when she got married, and I'm....well I have no idea at this point. I had Gastric Bypass so my butt goes from 10s in some pants down to a size 6 in other things, so I don't even know if i can get the dress altered enough to fit. If not, I have plans to break down all the seams and redo the dress with the same material and make it Jane friendly, Her dress is an 80s gown with the long high neck and long sleeves, I'm hoping I can have someone help me make something like the monique lhuillier scarlet dress. if not, i'll take a piece of her dress and use it as the sleeve for the bouquets, and maybe make a facinator type thing for the reception!

What I've bolded? You need to keep in mind that if somebody else is kicking in some cash towards your wedding, they have a say in what happens. If you truly want this wedding to be on your terms, you need to pay for it yourself. Those who pay have the say.

zitiqueen · July 2013

Radianthippychick said:

Sorry everyone, I just started a new job and they changed my hours AGAIN, that's okay atleast I'm employed. Onward to addressing people!

1) I am soo soo sorry for how I stated that, I meant the getting the license at the courthouse. I really do apologize. (don't beat me!) I promise i meant no offense. I am so used to having to break everything down to my parents in polish/english that sometimes I forget how to properly address something to everyone else. I'm SO SO SORRY, I will change that right now

Sorry, I call backpedaling here. That doesn't make any sense. You can get the license a week before the wedding. Why do you need it so far in advance if it's just going to sit in a drawer?

Also, you may have noticed that editing your original post doesn't mean a thing since you've already been quoted.

monkeysip · July 2013

I don't get the license thing. You go and apply for a license, but you're not MARRIED until the officiant actually performs the ceremony and everything is signed. Why would you need/want to get the license so far ahead? I don't know about GA, but in TX, you can only get it 1 month ahead.

I just don't understand why you would plan to have it so far ahead. Unless you mean getting the license and actually signing it/getting married at the courthouse, then having a non-legal ceremony 6 months later.

Radianthippychick · July 2013

I do apologize, like I said. I'm really lost in the whole process, and I misspoke, I meant the License. Please forgive my ignorance

What I was trying to get at was that I need to have a copy of the license in hand for the officiant to sign the day of. I did some research and now am on the straight and narrow on the process. I was under that impression that it takes a few months for things to get sent and made official because of blood tests, and a premarital course. That's optional it turns out!

thank you so much for all of the information. For everyone that I've upset once again, I am so so so so so so sorry. I never meant to upset anyone or imply that courthouse weddings are not as good. I value everyone's opinions and appreciate every one of you taking time out of your day to answer my questions. You guys are great

jennylee813 · July 2013

As PP said, you can have a Catholic wedding, but it won't be a mass. Only do this if it is important to YOU, not your mother. Please.

I am a lapsed Catholic, and will be the first to tell you that my mother has a lot of problems with my upcoming wedding. We are having a civil ceremony in a garden gazebo, officiated by a retired JOP. She has finally come to realize that this is the wedding WE want, and while she may not like it, she has come to terms with it being our decision.

FWIW, my first wedding was a big ole' Catholic mass. It was what everyone wanted but us. It was lovely, but deep down I had always wanted to get married in a park, with literary (not biblical) readings, and music I loved, not hymns that I liked.

Don't settle.

Radianthippychick · July 2013

monkeysip, let's just go with as soon as I got my ring people gave me alot of mis-information about the license part. I was told there was a blood test, 50 million other things. I should have just looked it up from the get go. It takes an hour, no BT, no premarital course (there might be a discount though)

no idea what i'm doing O_O

Re: no idea what i'm doing O_O

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