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Mini-vent and in need of advice

I have a dilemma involving a close male friend. He is like a brother to me, and we've never been in anything other than a platonic relationship, and this is clear to everyone we know. We grew up in the same apartment complex, have stayed in touch through out college, and our families are very close to each other (we set up his mother and step father, and often celebrate the holidays with each other). He got engaged to a woman he dated during college, and I was excited for him because she makes him extremely happy. 

That being said, I saw him and his fiance earlier this year. His FI started talking about politics, specifically about abortion and adoption. I should have kept my mouth shut, but she asked for my opinion.  She said some very off color things in regards to my viewpoint about abortion and adoption. As someone who is adopted, I believe that its someone's right to choose, she disagreed and then went to a "bad" place where Jesus was brought up, and how I would feel if my biological mother aborted me. At that point I didn't have the energy nor did I want to waste my time creating a harsh comeback. I paid my portion of the check, said a cordial goodbye, and left. 

I got engaged a few months after that dinner. My friend and I have been in contact since then, and it seemed like there was no harm done between us. Recently he asked me how my wedding planning was going (via gchat). I gave a short response, and there was a long pause in the conversation. He then proceeded to tell me that his FI didn't want my family and I on their guest list because my viewpoints didn't go with her values, and that they didn't feel as though our families were close enough to make the guest list. He then faltered to say that they reached capacity, and that it was nothing personal. I brushed it off and tried to carry on the conversation while avoiding the pink elephant in the room. 

 It is my understanding that the bride's family is paying for the wedding, but I don't understand where this is coming from (especially after knowing him for so long), and my family is fairly upset about this as well. I didn't want to say anything during that chat because I felt upset and I didn't know if she was looking over his shoulder at that time. I am trying really hard not to take this personally, but something inside me feels as though this is a response from that dinner. I don't know how to approach him to ask if there was something I did, and if so, how can I make reparation? At this point I don't care about the invite, I care more about our friendship. What should I do?

Re: Mini-vent and in need of advice

  • That really sucks. My BF's friends have some crazy political views that make me stabby but I'd never not invite them to our wedding just because we have different views. It sounds like she was offended by your views and now does not want you to come to the wedding - which is insane. Mt guess is that there might be a lot of drama going on in his wedding planning and unfortunately you and your family became a hill not worth dying on. Which really sucks for you but if she seriously doesn't want to invite you because you said you were pro-choice I'm guessing this girl comes with a lot of drama.

    I'm not really sure what you can do at this point though. You can let your friend know that you are hurt and you are worried about your friendship but unfortunately I think no matter what a wedding invite isn't going to happen.


  • I have a dilemma involving a close male friend. He is like a brother to me, and we've never been in anything other than a platonic relationship, and this is clear to everyone we know. We grew up in the same apartment complex, have stayed in touch through out college, and our families are very close to each other (we set up his mother and step father, and often celebrate the holidays with each other). He got engaged to a woman he dated during college, and I was excited for him because she makes him extremely happy. 

    That being said, I saw him and his fiance earlier this year. His FI started talking about politics, specifically about abortion and adoption. I should have kept my mouth shut, but she asked for my opinion.  She said some very off color things in regards to my viewpoint about abortion and adoption. As someone who is adopted, I believe that its someone's right to choose, she disagreed and then went to a "bad" place where Jesus was brought up, and how I would feel if my biological mother aborted me. At that point I didn't have the energy nor did I want to waste my time creating a harsh comeback. I paid my portion of the check, said a cordial goodbye, and left. 

    I got engaged a few months after that dinner. My friend and I have been in contact since then, and it seemed like there was no harm done between us. Recently he asked me how my wedding planning was going (via gchat). I gave a short response, and there was a long pause in the conversation. He then proceeded to tell me that his FI didn't want my family and I on their guest list because my viewpoints didn't go with her values, and that they didn't feel as though our families were close enough to make the guest list. He then faltered to say that they reached capacity, and that it was nothing personal. I brushed it off and tried to carry on the conversation while avoiding the pink elephant in the room. 

     It is my understanding that the bride's family is paying for the wedding, but I don't understand where this is coming from (especially after knowing him for so long), and my family is fairly upset about this as well. I didn't want to say anything during that chat because I felt upset and I didn't know if she was looking over his shoulder at that time. I am trying really hard not to take this personally, but something inside me feels as though this is a response from that dinner. I don't know how to approach him to ask if there was something I did, and if so, how can I make reparation? At this point I don't care about the invite, I care more about our friendship. What should I do?

    As someone who doesn't share the same views as my BF's best friends, I usually just shrug it off. It is what it is, she doesn't want you there. You got to look at it from the bride's parents. If I was paying for a wedding (as a parent) and had a choice between inviting an old friend that I haven't seen in a while that I want there to witness my daughter's special day over my future son in law's childhood friend. I would choose my friend and their + 1. Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe before or after the wedding the four of you (you and your FI and your friend and his wife) can get together to celebrate? I don't think the dinner is the reason why you weren't invited.

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • Hey guys,
    I really appreciate everything that has been said.  Both of you provided great advice.

    @bethsmiles, I agree that it would suck if she didn't invite me due to the fact that our beliefs differ. I would REALLY like to tell him that I feel hurt, but I feel like this is a bad time to do so right now. He is probably stressed enough dealing with her, the wedding planning, and job hunting. Maybe at a later time when things have calmed down, but I hope that I won't be upset for that long. 

    @ buddysmom80, no need to be sorry for being blunt, its true. I guess its not really about the invite but more about my friendship with him. I really like your idea of the dinner, it would be nice to celebrate the occasion with them even if its not at a reception. 
  • I think the worst part of this is that your friend is being railroaded by his fiancee and her parents and he's letting them do it. I don't think there's much you can do other than try to maintain the friendship if that's what you want.
  • leia1979 said:
    I think the worst part of this is that your friend is being railroaded by his fiancee and her parents and he's letting them do it. I don't think there's much you can do other than try to maintain the friendship if that's what you want.
    100% Agree.


  • leia1979 said:
    I think the worst part of this is that your friend is being railroaded by his fiancee and her parents and he's letting them do it. I don't think there's much you can do other than try to maintain the friendship if that's what you want.
    Also agree.  Its a sad marriage-to-be if your friend can't maintain a life-long friendship with someone just because your views on political subjects don't "mesh" with his FIs.  I often don't agree with my FI's friends' opinions (or even FI's opinions on certain political/religious matters)...it doesn't impact those relationships at all.
  • @LivLeighton: He did say it was because of the values, then quickly back peddled, so I am not really sure... It is really sad that he and I are in this situation even with a life long friendship. My friend is easily swayed by others, and doesn't usually stand up for himself. I do feel hurt, but I am going to try to brush it off because he is already under a lot of stress.

    I invited his FI and himself out to dinner a month after their wedding takes place. He said he'd ask her (mind you they both have extremely flexible work schedules, and are not in school), and she declined without giving a reason. Hopefully we'll still be able to maintain our friendship but I am doubtful at this point :(
  • This has happened to me, it sucks to lose a friend due to change of values or life changes. I would call his FI and the marriage a life change. She has influenced his life so greatly that he wants to marry her. She's his #1 now and he is probably clouded by everything involved in this life change. Regardless of what you feel or see, this is a joyous time for him. Be supportive and there for him, if need be. 

    As far as the friendship goes, the ball is in their court if you have opened communication lines with them about possibly celebrating with dinner after the wedding. Don't let the decline discourage you right away. Give it some time! I have had very close friends come and go because of relationships. We are not as close because of the relationships but we have found a way to still maintain a friendship that works. Sometimes that means only being acquaintances on FB or having coffee once in a blue moon. Don't stress too much, as I think this situation will ease in time.
  • @LivLeighton: He did say it was because of the values, then quickly back peddled, so I am not really sure... It is really sad that he and I are in this situation even with a life long friendship. My friend is easily swayed by others, and doesn't usually stand up for himself. I do feel hurt, but I am going to try to brush it off because he is already under a lot of stress.

    I invited his FI and himself out to dinner a month after their wedding takes place. He said he'd ask her (mind you they both have extremely flexible work schedules, and are not in school), and she declined without giving a reason. Hopefully we'll still be able to maintain our friendship but I am doubtful at this point :(
    That really sucks :( I'm sorry. I'd tell him the offer is always open if they change their minds. I'd also probably send a nice heartfelt card for their wedding.


  • Yeah, I understand the number one part. I feel bad that my family had to be affected by this as well, but it is what it is :(
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