Bridesmaid Funds Drama

zombermanda · July 2013

Hey ladies!

Just curious if I could get some feedback from you guys, I asked one of my bridesmaids today to step down after almost a year of not hearing from her, her not helping plan anything with my other girls and multiple second, third and fourth chances.

I drafted a big speech and was very kind, and her only response was that she wants the $200 back for the dress she purchased.

Am I required to refund this to her regardless? She had been hinting at stepping down on her own for a week previous to today - and I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I feel I shouldn't have to refund it, because she brought this on herself. But if the bridal shop we bought the dresses from can take her dress back, I will happily give her her money back.

Thoughts?

Weezy56 · July 2013

You should not have never kicked her out. You should have let her step down on her own.

However, that ship has sailed. Yes, since you are the one who kicked her out, you should pay for her dress.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

Agree with @weezy56

cbrown828 · July 2013

Cough up the cash, regardless of whether the shop will take it back or not. She wouldn't have purchased the dress if it wasn't for your wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

Yep, I'd pat her back if you want to attempt to retain and mend the friendship.

You should have lurked here 1st. . . you would have realized that youe friend wasn't obligated to help with or do anything other than show up on time and sober on the day of your wedding, in the dress you all decided upon.

MyNameIsNot · July 2013

You were wrong to kick her out. She did nothing wrong. Your expectations were unreasonable. Kicking out a BM is a terribly nasty thing to do, and you should be ashamed.

Yes, you need to pay back the money. She spent it on YOUR wedding. You should try apologizing, but it's probably too late for that.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

Question: If the bridal shop accepts the dress back YOU'LL refund her money? Did you pay the shop and she paid you?

Simply Fated · July 2013

If you kicked her out, then you should cut your losses.

Ajuliana · July 2013

This is why you shouldn't ask bridal parties so damn early...

aurianna · July 2013

If you want to keep this girl as a friend I highly suggest that you pay her for the dress and tell her she may keep the dress, tell her you are so sorry and you were so wrong and you are ashamed and that if she can find it in her heart to forgive you would be honored if she still stood by you, and if not, if she would still be an honored guest (in which case you better be giving her a corsage).

Bridesmaids aren't your slaves. You can't demand that they plan anything. That's for you and your fiance.
Your super entitled attitude might cost you a friend. I'd be doing serious damage control right now.

QueerFemme · July 2013

zombermanda said:

Hey ladies!

Just curious if I could get some feedback from you guys, I asked one of my bridesmaids today to step down after almost a year of not hearing from her, her not helping plan anything with my other girls and multiple second, third and fourth chances.

I drafted a big speech and was very kind, and her only response was that she wants the $200 back for the dress she purchased.

Am I required to refund this to her regardless? She had been hinting at stepping down on her own for a week previous to today - and I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I feel I shouldn't have to refund it, because she brought this on herself. But if the bridal shop we bought the dresses from can take her dress back, I will happily give her her money back.

Thoughts?

if she had said "hey, I can't be in the wedding", you don't owe her anything. But, you ASKED her to step down. You should reimburse her for the dress and apologize that you were asked her to step down and hope you can repair your friendship.

hlvonb · July 2013

I agree with what everyone has said about repaying her. It may seem unfair to have to do that but you asking her to step down (aka kicking her out) even though she may or may not have been hinting at it was unfair to her since she did nothing wrong. I would have asked her what her thoughts were about being in the wedding and say that you thought like you were getting mixed signals about whether or not she wanted to be in it and then let her say she was stepping down (if that's what she wanted to do). Anyway, yes pay her back whether or not the shop will take the dress back.

AddieCake · July 2013

I was once a bridesmaid in a wedding that didn't take place. The bride felt terrible for us being out money for a dress and paid all the bridesmaids back for their dresses. I can't believe you would kick her out and then not think you owed her for that dress.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

Kicking her out was a bitch move. Pay her back for the dress.

calliopeia2013 · July 2013

Even if you DON'T want to mend the friendship (which I assume you don't since you kicked her out, and that's not something you do unless you intend to end things with her), you need to pay her back, whether or not you can return the dress.

She bought the dress because you asked her to, as a favor. Now you're saying you don't want her to do you the favor anymore. I just..can't even imagine a universe in which you wouldn't be ethically obligated to pay her back.

banana468 · July 2013

You've already done a horrible friendship ending action here. At least do one responsible thing and refund her the money she spent on something she's not going to wear.

if you don't, not only will this reflect even worse on you but you will have given her the opportunity to take legal action to force you to do it.

jlm9113 · July 2013

zombermanda said:

Hey ladies!

Just curious if I could get some feedback from you guys, I asked one of my bridesmaids today to step down after almost a year of not hearing from her, her not helping plan anything with my other girls and multiple second, third and fourth chances.

I drafted a big speech and was very kind, and her only response was that she wants the $200 back for the dress she purchased.

Am I required to refund this to her regardless? She had been hinting at stepping down on her own for a week previous to today - and I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I feel I shouldn't have to refund it, because she brought this on herself. But if the bridal shop we bought the dresses from can take her dress back, I will happily give her her money back.

Thoughts?

I'm baffled at how it could (in any universe) be possible to both kick a friend out of your wedding and be "very kind" at the same time.

Barbiiieee · July 2013

I'm really confused as to how she was hinting at dropping out a week ago, yet you said you haven't heard from her in a year?

Pay her back and apologize.

kmmssg · July 2013

She had to spend 200.00 for a dress YOU required to be in YOUR wedding. YOU kicked her out. YOU need to pay her the 200.00. Kicking her out was inexcusable.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Barbiiieee said:

I'm really confused as to how she was hinting at dropping out a week ago, yet you said you haven't heard from her in a year?

Pay her back and apologize.

Yeah. OP, come back and answer this one.

kking1982 · July 2013

I can only assume there was a reason the two of you have not spoken for a year. If you asked her to step down, you should refund her for the dress, but you should also take possession of the dress. You can then give it to another bridesmaid, return it to the store, sell on craigslist, etc to recoup some of the money lost.

Blue_Bird · July 2013

zombermanda said:

Hey ladies!

Just curious if I could get some feedback from you guys, I asked one of my bridesmaids today to step down after almost a year of not hearing from her, her not helping plan anything with my other girls and multiple second, third and fourth chances.

I drafted a big speech and was very kind, and her only response was that she wants the $200 back for the dress she purchased.

Am I required to refund this to her regardless? She had been hinting at stepping down on her own for a week previous to today - and I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I feel I shouldn't have to refund it, because she brought this on herself. But if the bridal shop we bought the dresses from can take her dress back, I will happily give her her money back.

Thoughts?

I'm not even sure I believe this is real, but yes, you owe her 200 bucks and an apology.

phira · July 2013

Yes, you should pay for the dress. Let's look at this from her point of view:

Your friend asks you to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. You purchase the dress that your friend asked you to purchase. And then one day, your friend says, "Sorry, you can't be in the wedding anymore," and you have a dress you would NOT have purchased except to be in the wedding.

I backed out of a wedding that took place a couple months ago. I didn't ask my friend to pay for my dress because it was my decision to back out. Because YOU told her she was out of the wedding, YOU need to pay for the dress. $200 is a lot of money, and it's a huge slap in the face to your friend.

I agree with other folks here, too: I don't think whatever she did (or didn't do) justified "asking her to step down." Let's cut it out with that phrase, too. You didn't "ask her to step down," as if you were asking her to do you a favor. You fired her; you kicked her out. Doesn't matter how nicely you did it.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

Yes, you most definitely need to reimburse her the dress that she bought under the agreement with you that she would be in your wedding. You kicked her out, you deal with the consequences of that.

And, if you decide you're going to ignore everyone here and not give her the money, she can most definitely take you to small claims court for it and win ...and depending on your state, she can also sue you to pay all of the legal fees while she's at it.

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