What to call new MIL

kdaniels29 · July 2013

My future MIL has signed cards, emails, txt messages and whatever else "mom" for the past couple years that my fiance have been together. It makes me uncomfortable so I usually avoid calling her anything if at all possible, I just use generic "hi there"s and what not. Shes never seemed to take the hint I feel like she really expects me to call her "mom". Its nothing against her, it just feels disrespectful to my mom to call anyone else mom even if she doesn't hear me do it. I would really rather call her by her first name but I don't wanna offend her. Should I just continue avoiding calling her anything or just start calling her by her first name? Have any of you had this problem?

Teddy917 · July 2013

Why don't you just ask her? Just say "Hey, now that we're family, I was wondering what you would like me to call you." If she says she'd like you to call her Mom, just say "I don't want to offend you but I'm not comfortable with that. Could I call you Jane, instead?"
I hope my advice is helpful. My MIL passed away before I met my husband so I don't have that problem, so I'm not totally positive how it should be handled. Other posters will probably have better advice.

kdaniels29 · July 2013

Thanks...My mom has a chronic form of leukemia and although she is not very ill now, it's cancer so you never know when things could south. Calling someone else mom feels like I'm trying to replace her before shes even gone or something like that. Idk if that's rational or not but it just feels wrong to me.

MobKaz · July 2013

"Why don't you just ask her? Just say "Hey, now that we're family, I was wondering what you would like me to call you." If she says she'd like you to call her Mom, just say "I don't want to offend you but I'm not comfortable with that. Could I call you Jane, instead?""

I guess I don't understand the point of actually asking MIL her preference, if the OP doesn't care to use what seems to be MIL's preference of "mom".

OP, when MIL signed cards, were the cards for both you and FI? When my daughter received holiday cards or other "couple" cards, her in-laws would sign them "Mom and Dad", but if it was a card highlighting only daughter's birthday, they would be signed by their first names. If that has been the case with you, then the door is open for you to call them by their first names.

I personally feel it best to just "bite the bullet" and start using her first name in casual conversation. The longer you wait to address it, the more awkward it will become. My son-in-law uses a mom derivative for me, but my daughter-in-law refers to me by my first name. Both work for me.

MairePoppy · July 2013

I have signed all our cards to our SIL with our first names. If I refer to my husband when I'm speaking to my SIL, I use his first name. I wouldn't mind him calling us Mom and Dad, but I thought it would be more comfortable for him. My daughter calls her ILs by their first names, so I was trying to be consistent. By still, my SIL doesn't call me anything. We all like each other, so I'm assuming he's just not sure.

I think you should ask her 'Do you mind if I call you Jane?' or you should just start calling her by her first name. Although it wouldn't bother me if my daughter called her MIL 'mom', I understand why you're not comfortable with that.

AddieCake · July 2013

I call my MIL "Mom" and she signs stuff "Mom JoAnne" to me. If it's not comfortable for you to call her "Mom," then just call her by her first name. If she says anything to you, then you can explain and if she says anything to your fiance, he can explain.

cbrown828 · July 2013

I empathize with where you're coming from. I almost lost my mom a few years back and I can't imagine every calling anyone else my mom, although I don't think it's weird for others who are that close with their MIL, step mom, etc. Just not for me. I actually took advantage of one of those awkward "hi there" moments to ask my future in laws how they'd like me to address them, and they told me (first names, which worked out well for me). A few seconds of awkwardness has saved all of us from a lot more. She still signs cards "mom and dad" when it's for both of us, and first names when it's just for me. Go for it, and just be honest.

Blue & White · July 2013

I call my FILs by their first names. They sign their cards to us as John & Jane (Mom & Dad). My future grandparents in law (is that a thing?) do the same thing: Grandma & Grandpa (Bob & Marie). I usually call them Grams and Gramps but their first names to their faces. I'd recommend either asking or just starting to call her something other than mom and seeing how it goes. Good luck!

kdaniels29 · July 2013

thanks guys, I think I will just call her by her first name one of these days and see how it goes. She does sign things that are just for me "mom" also, not just just things that are addressed to both of us. My FI's sister in law does actually call her mom, so maybe she just assumed I'd be comfortable with it too? She never really asked, she just started doing it.

hockey20 · July 2013

I think I'd have a candid conversation with her, and just tell her you truly appreciate that she wants to be called 'mom', but with your moms ill health you'd prefer to keep that title for her, would it be okay if you called her by her first name. I'm certain she'll be entirely understanding and respect you for that.

saric83 · July 2013

What do you call her now? Mrs. last name?

wittykitty14 · July 2013

If you're not comfortable calling her "mom", then don't.

I love my FILs, and I know they'd be 100% ok if I called them mom and dad. But I already have those, so I'm not comfortable saying that at this point. I also avoid addressing them-it's the "hey you" situation. If I need to, I address them by their first names. The only reason this sometimes gets confusing is that my FI and his dad have the same name.

Anyway, my point is that you don't need to call her "mom" if you dont' want to. Just call her by her first name sometime, and see how it goes.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

She's an adult, you're an adult. I would call her by her first name. If she says "call me mom" you can say "I'm so happy to be part of this family, but I just don't feel comfortable with that."

Ilumine · July 2013

For the love of God, you mean to tell me that you have not addressed her directly in 6plus months because you are unsure of how to address her?

I guess this is becoming my soapbox, but unless you plan on being parented by this woman (and if you need a parent, then you should not be getting married) you are pretty much an equal to her.

So you address her as an equal adult would - by her first name.

kdaniels29 · July 2013

For the love of God, you mean to tell me that you have not addressed her directly in 6plus months because you are unsure of how to address her?

I guess this is becoming my soapbox, but unless you plan on being parented by this woman (and if you need a parent, then you should not be getting married) you are pretty much an equal to her.

So you address her as an equal adult would - by her first name.

Good Lord what is with people on this site hiding behind their IP addresses and using as an excuse to be nasty? I really don't understand why people think just because this is the internet that you shouldn't give people the same politeness you would give someone if you were speaking to them face-to-face. Yes, I haven't addressed her as anything specific quite some time. To be honest, I don't talk to her that often so I have never really needed to. I actually don't address people by name or title very often in general unless I'm writing a letter or speaking to a Dr. at work. How often do you text you friend and say "hi friendsname, what are you up to?". Most people just get to the point and say what they wanna say and skip the addressing all together.

Many people do call their in-laws Mom and Dad- like i said, my FI's sister in law calls her mom and shes probably about 15 years old than I am. She surely doesn't need to be parented by her yet that is just what they do, as do many others. It certainly is a matter of personal preference, I don't judge anyone who does choose to call their In-laws Mom and Dad, for some it's comfortable and others it's not. Addressing people can be at tricky thing, have you seriously never felt awkward addressing someone who you use to call Mrs. soandso when you were a kid and now your grown up so it doesn't feel quite right?

kdaniels29 · July 2013

Oh, but thank you very much to everyone who responded. I decided I'm gonna have a chat with FI and ask him how he thinks his mom would better respond- If I actually have a conversation with her about it or if i should just start doing it. Idk which she'd rather prefer really, I feel like depending on your personality some may prefer one over the other. My mom for example, I could almost bet would rather skip the awkward conversation, as would I. But he knows her better than I so I'll get his opinion.

erinlin25 · July 2013

I call my MIL by her first name--she has never corrected me so I kept it at that. My husbands grandparents from the get go when I called them by their first name they said "you can call me grandma/pa", so I did. I would think if they have a preference they will tell you.

Ilumine · July 2013

I actually don't address people by name or title very often in general unless I'm writing a letter or speaking to a Dr. at work. How often do you text you friend and say "hi friendsname, what are you up to?". Most people just get to the point and say what they wanna say and skip the addressing all together.

^^^^^^^^^^^

Well given I actually communicate with my friends, family, co-workers, contacts and acquaintences through a variety of measures - you know face-to-face, phone, paper, and e-mails, I DO actually address them by their names.

Outside of the fact that it is just common courtesy to use someone's name vs 'HEY YOU' when you are talking to them, it is actually one of those small, yet highly recommended 'tricks' one is taught to do when <meeting new people, interviewing, getting ahead in one's job>.

I still cannot believe that you have never been in a situation over the last 6 months where you have not had to speak directly to your MIL or FIL and that the opportunity to use her or his name did not come up.

But if that is true, if you have not had any reason to speak to your Inlaws, then you get to start from scratch here. You address her how you want to.

"have you seriously never felt awkward addressing someone who you use to call Mrs. soandso when you were a kid and now your grown up so it doesn't feel quite right?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No I have not. By the time I reached my 23rd birthday, I had graduated with two undergraduate degrees and was working on a masters. By the time I was 27, I owned my own home. By the time I reached my 30th birthday, I was working as government contractor managing millions of dollars and had 30 people who worked under me. And by the time I was 33, I had testified before congress as a SME.

At any point along the way, I had reached the same level of "adultness" (except for having a child, but I am not sure when birth became a benchmark for being an adult) as these people. So no, I never felt awkward addressing them as equals. Because we were/are equals.

Now, if your SIL wants to address her inlaws as Mom and Dad, bully for her. But this post was not about your SIL but YOUR comfort or lack there of. And so I addressed YOUR questions in YOUR situation.

So my original reply still stands. Stop avoiding calling your inlaws by whichever name YOU feel comfortable with and if YOU do not want to call them Mom and Dad remember that YOU are not their child and therefore do not have to.

kdaniels29 · July 2013

Well, sounds like you and I are pretty different people with different personalities and life situations, so I guess I can't relate. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

saric83 · July 2013

kdaniels29 said:
Yes, I haven't addressed her as anything specific quite some time. To be honest, I don't talk to her that often so I have never really needed to. I actually don't address people by name or title very often in general unless I'm writing a letter or speaking to a Dr. at work. How often do you text you friend and say "hi friendsname, what are you up to?". Most people just get to the point and say what they wanna say and skip the addressing all together.

If this is the case, why is this even a concern about the mom thing? If you never address her by anything, why start now? I could see a question if you currently formally addressed her as Mrs. blah blah, and she requested that it wasn't so formal and suggested mom or whatever. But it seems like this is such a non-issue. If you don't want to call her mom, don't. That's it.

kdaniels29 · July 2013

so that I can explain myself when I start calling her by her first name vs what she refers to herself as to me ("mom"). If you think its so bizarre, I'm not sure why you even replied to this thread. I asked for the opinions of people who have found themselves in similar situations.

LAM524 · July 2013

I understand. I didnt call my ex-Mil anything for almost 2 years. I can really remember trying to figure out how address her when needing to get her attention. I cant tell you why if felt awkward but it did. I also can't tell you why I started calling her mom and when it became comfortable...but it did. I could guess and say because I was young (17) and it just didnt seem right but now Im 46 and my future MIL refers to herself as mom when she calls or writes...and I feel awkward (at the thought of calling her mom). Usually, I just say "hi luv"

and that works for now. Strange enough, I didnt feel awkward calling my exFIL pop like everyone else did.

How about calling her MIL? jk

Dont stress about it. However you end up addressing her will feel natural...eventually.

CowgirlK39 · July 2013

I have seen a few sides of this. I started calling my MIL "mama" because she would call herself that to all DHs friends. But I really struggled calling FIL "dad." It just felt weird and so I talked to DH and his sister about what I should say. They both said they were fine with me calling him dad and said that would be best for him too. However, my brothers wife doesn't call my parents anything except "hey you" and it drives my mom INSANE. She thinks that is SO RUDE. There is going to come a point where you are out somewhere and need to get your ILs attention. What are you going to say? "Hey! HEY!" No. First names are fine but you have to say something.

kdaniels29 · July 2013

Cowgirlk39, I definitely agree calling future FIL dad is 100x more awkward than calling MIL mom. I'm not close with him at all!! Even more of a reason to start calling her by her first name.

Lauderdale Pink · July 2013

If anybody is still following this thread, as a new MIL and future MIL (my children do keep me busy) I don't care what anybody calls me, just be good to my children. Heck, I'll even answer to the dog's name if it happens, who cares? I will continue to sign my e-mails, cards, and notes as "Mom" because that is who I am to my children. That has absolutely nothing to do with what their SOs call me. I ask that they be polite and respectful in my presence and, for heaven's sake, let me know ASAP if I do something to annoy, irritate, or step over their lines.

That's all,

Love

MOM

melb2013 · July 2013

When my SIL got married last year, her husband made a big show of starting to call my ILs Mom and Dad. That just felt so weird to me. I realized I could never do that. I don't speak to them often, but the little I've seen them since our wedding 2 months ago, I've continued to call them by their names. OP, I totally get where you are coming from and I'd go with your plan of simply starting to call them by them names. You get to choose.

doeydo · July 2013

I would just call her by her first name. If she comes right out and says "Oh, you can call me mom" then you can say something.

What to call new MIL

Re: What to call new MIL

Choose Another Board

Search Boards